“Stir the eggnog, lift the toddy. Happy New Year, everybody”

“A new year is unfolding—like a blossom with petals curled tightly, concealing the beauty within”

“Water, lemons and sugar are free at restaurants, but lemonade costs money”

“My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate. I’ll start tomorrow”

“Why did Dracula pass out on New Year’s Eve?”/“There was a count down.”

“Dom Pérignon implies the existence of Sub Pérignon”

“My New Year’s resolution is to not have one”

“Smooth jazz implies the existence of chunky jazz”

“At the start of this new year, I am leaving my past behind me. So if I owe you some money…”

“I’ve decided to leave my past behind. So if I owe you money, I’m sorry but I’ve moved on”

“Dom Pérignon implies the existence of Submissive Pérignon”

“Dom Pérignon implies the existence of Sub and Switch Pérignon”

“Cheers to making pour decisions”

“Here we fucking go again. I mean, good morning”

“And here we fucking go again. I mean, good morning”

“Cheers to making pour decisions tonight”

“Dear New Year’s Resolutions, Well, it was fun while it lasted. Sincerely, January 2nd”

“Taxes are essentially just an annual subscription to the country you live in”

“Cheers to pour decisions”

“Dear New Year’s Resolution, Well, it was fun while it lasted. Sincerely, January 2nd”

“You don’t grow out of Legos, you just graduate to Ikea”

“If I die right after I pay my rent, sit me on my couch ‘til the 31st”

“Security at every level of the airport is insane until you get to the baggage claim…”

“Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to baggage claim…”

“Only the government is incompetent enough to be in the business of stealing money…”

“If I die after I pay my rent, sit me on the couch till da 30th”

“Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone..”

“Only government is incompetent enough to be in the business of forcibly extracting money…”

“We do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they were going to be easy”

“We do this not because it is easy, but because we thought it would be easy”

“I hate pending payments. Just take that shit so I can start my healing process”

“Thanks to Millennials I now have to specify if I want my coffee hot or cold”

“I hate pending payments. Just take it already so I can start my healing process”

“Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision”

Bidinflation or Bidenflation (U.S. President Joe Bidwen + inflation)

“Knowledge is power. It doesn’t matter how many resources you have…”

‘Government: It doesn’t matter how many resources you have. If you don’t know how to use them…”

“It doesn’t matter how many resources you have. If you don’t know how to use them…”

Bidenflation or Bidinflation (U.S. President Joe Biden + inflation)

“If you think the state should punish harmless behavior because it MIGHT lead to harmful behavior”

“What’s a cat’s favorite condiment?”/“Mayo.”

“What’s a cat’s favorite condiment?”/“Whiskershire sauce.”

“I need a battery so I can tell the time.”/“Is it for a clock?” (joke)

“What’s a cat’s favorite condiment?”/“Moustard.”

“What’s a cat’s favorite condiment?”/“Catsup”

Died Suddenly (#diedsuddenly)

“I may be ugly, but I fuck like the government”

“I might not be pretty, but I fuck like the government”

“My dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to this house or know what a government is

“I said to my boss the other day, ‘I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!’” (joke)

“Decaffeinated coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle”

“My New Year’s resolution is to stop putting my foot in my mouth. I bet yours is to lose weight”

“Decaf coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle”

“Mike’s Hard Lemonade is just Capri Sun for adults”

“Mike’s Hard Lemonade is just Kool-Aid for adults”

“Almond milk coffee is like a hooker who only wants to cuddle”

“Boxed wine is just an adult Capri Sun”

“Boxed wines are Capri Suns for depressed adults”

“I’m starting a company recycling discarded chewing gum. I just need help getting it off the ground”

“My church serves noodles at communion. We’re Ramen Catholic”

“If I could cure cancer, you’d say that I put doctors out of work” (bad press)

“Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels…”

“If the tinfoil hat crowd secretly runs everything, would that make them the Aluminati?”

Aluminati (aluminum + Illuminati, and jocularly associated with tinfoil hats)

“The will of the people is stronger than the noise of politicians”

“Tinfoil hats are an invention of the Aluminati”

“Just when I’m on the verge of growing cynical about our society I see an old woman smile and…”

“Shitposters are simply feral philosophers”

“Shitposters are just feral philosophers”

“Drink cheap wine, you’re an alcoholic; drink expensive wine, you’re a connoisseur”

Bronx Beauty (nickname of lightweight boxer Al Singer)

Brooklyn Bombers (Brooklyn Dodgers nickname)

Bronx Bomber (nickname of lightweight boxer Al Singer)

“Women are like bacon: We look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you”

“An armed man is a free man”

“An armed man is a free man. An unarmed man is a slave”

“Women are like bacon. They look good, smell good, taste good and slowly kill men”

“My mom tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter”

“An armed man is a free man. An unarmed man is a subject”

“My wife tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter”

“A nectarine is just a peach with a Brazilian wax”

“Nectarines are just peaches with alopecia”

“What is a wolf’s favorite vegetable?”/“Aruuuuuuuuuugala.”

“Nectarines are peaches with alopeachia”

“Nectarines are just peaches with a Brazilian wax”

“It’s the jab, stupid”

“Why would I argue with an antivaxxer when I can just wait”

“Why argue with an Anti-Vaxer, when you could just wait”

“Be the glitch you want to see in the matrix”

“Why argue with a Vaxxer, when you could just wait?”

Cathedral of Baseball (Yankee Stadium)

Baseball’s Home Office (Yankee Stadium)

“Peaches are just hairy nectarines”

Baseball’s Cathedral (Yankee Stadium)

Home Office of Baseball (Yankee Stadium)

“This wine tastes like I’ll be texting you later”

“This tequila tastes like I’ll be texting you later”

“This rum tastes like I’ll be texting you later”

“This vodka tastes like I’ll be texting you later”

“This margarita tastes like I’ll be texting you later”