“I am instantly 70% nicer after 3 PM on Fridays”

“Hey there, Friday! You sexy beast. I’ve been looking for you since Monday”

“I added some Friday to your coffee. You’re welcome”

“Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things…”

“I work with animals (...) I’m a butcher”

“I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired”

“I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired. Today isn’t looking so good, and I’ve already used up…”

Pfertility (Pfizer + fertility)

“Oh, you’re an anarchist? Then solve every single problem in the world right now”

“What’s the difference between an American and a computer?” (riddle)

“I can’t wait to go home and pour myself some dinner”

“It’s Friday. I can’t wait to get home and pour myself some dinner”

“Hi Friday! I’ve been looking for you since Monday”

“Happy Friday you beautiful human beings”

“I can’t wait to get home and pour myself some dinner”

“Oh Friday, let me hug you”

“Happy Friday you beautiful human being”

“Oh Friday! Let me hug u!”

“It’s Friday and I’m thirsty”

“Happy Friday you beautiful human”

“Be a rebel. Enjoy Monday and find a reason to like it”

“It’s Monday. Grab some coffee and be awesome”

“It’s Monday. Don’t forget to be awesome”

“Happy Friday! Don’t forget to be fabulous!”

“May today be the Fridayest Friday that ever Fridayed”

“It’s Friday! Don’t forget to be fabulous!”

“You there, Friday! Welcome back you sexy son of a bitch! We been looking for you since Monday!”

“Hey there, Friday! Welcome back you sexy son of a bitch! We’ve been looking for you since Monday!”

“My favorite holiday is Saturday”

“You there, Friday! Welcome back you sexy beast you! We have been looking for you since Monday!”

“Coffee. Chaos. Bed. Repeat”

“If baklava is still in the oven, it’s called bakmagma”

“The most important parts of the Super Bowl are the commercials and the food…”

“Into a bar Yoda walks” (bar joke)

“What’s a kinky Italian’s favorite dish?”/“Fetish-ini Alfredo.”

“Is there a such thing as a pasta fetish and if so please tell me it’s called fetishini alfredo”

“My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were…”

“How do cops like their coffee?”/“Black with a couple of shots in it.”

“This is the Mondayest Monday that ever Mondayed”

“Don’t be a jabroni. Eat your ravioli”

“I haven’t been this excited about a Friday, since last Friday”

“Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. That’s why I shit on company time”

“I haven’t been this excited about Friday since last Friday”

“Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late”

“You know what rhymes with Monday? Coffee”

“You talk shit about cops now, but just wait until a guy breaks into your house…”

“People are prisoners of their phones. That’s why they are called cell phones”

“If you feel the need to point out that I look tired, the least you could do is buy me a coffee”

“I hope we can all still be friends even if we end up in different concentration camps”

“The wise man poops on company time. The foolish man waits until his break”

“How does one milk chocolate almonds?”

“How the heck do you milk chocolate?”

“Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. That’s why I crap on company time”

“I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship”

“How do you milk chocolate?”

“Boss makes a dollar. I make a dime. That’s why I poop on company time”

“This build back better thing must be waiting on the building permits”

“The strongest weapon in the United States is a patriotic American”

“How does one ‘milk chocolate’?”

“I’m not feeling very worky today”

“CAUTION: May bite before coffee (and after too)”

“I work to buy coffee. I buy coffee to work. It’s the circle of life”

“I don’t buy coffee to work, I work to buy coffee. It’s the circle of life”

“I don’t feel very worky today”

“WARNING: May bite before coffee ...and maybe after”

“What do you call twin police officers?”/“Copies.”

“Life isn’t always tacos and margaritas. But it should be”

“I want to start juicing but I’m hesitant because I don’t know how to juice tacos”

“Life isn’t all tacos and tequila. But it should be”

“Life isn’t always tacos & tequila. But it should be”

“Can you tell me the Japanese word for a ninja throwing star?”/“Sure I can.”

“My debit card is starting to feel like a gift card…‘not sure how much is on this but try it’”

“I love social media. Back in my day, I had to insult people one at a time”

“There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your house is haunted”

“There’s nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your hotel room is haunted”

“Can you name a Japanese weapon?”/“Sure I can.”

“I want fresh ice cubes! None of that frozen shit!”

“There’s nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your dorm is haunted”

“Can you name a Japanese weapon?”/“Shuriken.”

“There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted”

“All we know about today is that coffee will be involved”

“All I know about today is that coffee will be involved”

“I work to buy coffee. I buy coffee so I can work. It’s the circle of life”

“In God we trust. My guns are just backup”

“Be the peace you wish to see in the world”

“All we know for certain about today is that coffee will be involved”

“In God we trust. The guns are just backup”

“In God we trust and all the guns are just backup”

“All I know for certain about today is that coffee will be involved”

“In God we trust. Guns are just backup”

“Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking”

“It’s only baklava if it is above ground, otherwise it’s bakmagma”

“Baklava implies the existence of bakmagma”

“I went for a run, but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something..”

“Why are artichokes so beloved?”/“They’re known for their hearts.”

“One of the weirdest mainstream political beliefs is that secretive government agencies…”

“Never give support to a law unless you would let your worst enemy enforce it”

“Nobody blamed the lightsaber when Anakin killed the younglings”

“Nobody blamed the light saber”

“Nobody blamed the lightsaber”