“You know the brainwashing is real when white people protest against white people for being white”

“There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks”

“You know liberal brainwashing is real when you see white people protesting against white people”

“Explain it to me like I wear a mask alone in my car”

“You know the brainwashing is real when white people start protesting white people…”

“Why don’t you explain this to me like I wear a mask alone in my car?”

“Long range shooting is like golf, but for men”

“I am now ‘take a picture of labels with my phone so I can blow it up bigger and read it’ years old”

“Explain this to me like I wear a mask alone in my car”

“When all else fails, vote from the rooftops”

“Thin Mints imply the existence of average and plus-size mints”

“Thin Mints implies the existence of Fat Mints”

“Thin Mints imply the existence of Fat Mints”

“Super callous fascist risky experimental doses”

“If you eat manicotti with your feet, do they become pedicotti?”

“Before I get in shape, does anybody like me chubby?”

“Before I get in shape, does anyone like me chunky?”

“Before I get in shape, does anyone like me fat?”

“Before I get in shape, does anyone like me chubby?”

“Long range shooting—it’s like golf, but for men”

“I got expelled from music school for theft, but all I was doing was taking notes”

“I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism. I didn’t steal songs; I was just taking notes”

“Manicotti implies the existence of pedicotti”

“I got expelled from music school for theft, but all I was doing was taking notes”

MILF (Man, I Love Fridays)

CAPS LOCK-AMERICAN

“I was thrown out of music school for plagiarism. I wasn’t stealing songs; I was just taking notes”

“Well slap me silly and call me Darlin’, it’s Friday!”

MILF (Man, I Love Friday)

“Please stop calling them Boomers. The proper term is CAPS LOCK-AMERICAN”

“It matters not, to free men, what tyrants write on paper”

“Defund politicians”

“Bottoms get subtitles; tops get domtitles”

“Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don’t blame a Mexican just because you’re unemployable”

“Subtitles are at the bottom of the screen. Domtitles are at the top of the screen”

“This is the Staten Island Ferry” (NSFW joke)

“It’s like winter is really mad and keeps storming out of the room and then coming back…”

“Subtitles imply the existence of domtitles”

“It’s like winter is mad and keeps storming out, then coming back yelling ‘And another thing!’”

“My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens. Bye Rose”

“Apparently ‘just fuck me up’ is not an appropriate coffee order at Starbucks”

“You are never too important to be hanged for treason”

“It all started with gourmet coffee. Followed by skinny jeans and man buns…”

“It’s ironic that pregnant women order virgin cocktails at the bar”

“Apparently ‘just fuck me up’ is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks”

“It’s ironic that pregnant women can only order virgin drinks”

“An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it”

“Before I have coffee, everyone is an asshole. After I have coffee, everyone is still an asshole…”

“Triangle of Sadness is me self-medicating with this family size bag of Doritos”

“Defund involuntary funding”

“Gaslighting isn’t real, you crazy bitch”

“I’ve been waiting all winter to complain about the summer heat”

“Gaslighting isn’t even a real word. You sound crazy”

“I’ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat”

“Get woke, go broke”

“I’m not bossy. I’m the teacher”

“Don’t be a part of the problem. Be the whole problem”

“I love it when the weather turns ugly because it means the decision I already made not to leave…”

“What Orwell failed to predict was that we’d buy the cameras ourselves, and our biggest fear…”

“Don’t be part of the problem. Be the whole problem”

“My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know”

“My grocery list: 1. Don’t run into anyone you know 2. Eggs”

“They never told me which machine, so I’ve been raging against toasters”

“Protected by fuck around and find out surveillance”

“I’m ready to stop complaining about winter and start complaining about summer”

“Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?”

“One nation gone under” (joke on “One nation under God”)

“Protect your tweets from being stolen by writing really bad ones like this”

“I feel like work got custody of me and home just got weekend visits”

“If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under”

“Gaslighting doesn’t exist. You made it up ‘cause you’re fucking crazy”

“Gaslighting isn’t a real word. You’re just crazy”

“Sometimes I write ‘Drink Wine’ on my to-do list, just so I feel like I accomplished something”

“I’m a trust fund baby. My parents trusted me to go fund myself”

“Protected by FAFO fuck around and find out security system”

“Sometimes I write ‘drink wine’ on my to-do list so I feel like I got something done”

“I wonder how many miles I’ve scrolled with my thumb”

“Protected by fuck around and find out home security”

“I’m a trust fund baby. My parents trust me to fund myself”

“Sometimes I write ‘drink wine’ on my to-do list so that I feel like I accomplished something”

“Autocorrect is the bake of my existence”

“Gaslighting is not real. You’re just imagining things again”

“Gaslighting is not real. You’re just crazy”

“There’s nothing more mean spirited than the average ghost”

“Waiter, this egg is bad!”/“Don’t blame me. I only laid the table.”

“Autocomplete is the bake of my existence”

“Sometimes your freedom is not taken away at gunpoint, but instead it is done one piece of paper…”

“I refuse to bookmark a website…” (joke)

“The average ghost is mean spirited”

“Go woke, go broke”

“Tequila shots are so funny, sometimes you need the lime & other times you need to go the fuck home”

“I’m just sitting here drinking coffee and making plans for world domination”

“Make tax collectors birds again” (tar-and-feather)

“People can not be trusted to govern themselves, but people can be trusted to govern others”

“It’s time for many people to be arrested suddenly”

“I continued the cycle of my own oppression today” (“I voted” sticker parody)

“The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch”

“I literally wrote a book to warn you guys about this.—George Orwell”

“Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire…”

“You call me ‘Far Right’ when you should be calling me ‘Right so Far’”