“You unsubscribed from our email list. Our unsubscribe donkey, Kevin, will begin his journey…”

“I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target”

“I enjoy long romantic walks in Costco”

“I’m not voting Democrat or Republican. I do not negotiate with terrorists”

“If you keep a baseball bat in your car, also keep a glove. Your lawyer will thank you”

“I’m not voting. I don’t negotiate with terrorists”

“What are those things you blow to make a wish?”/“Sugar daddies.”

“Today I’m having a vision problem. I can’t see myself doing anything at all”

“What do you call those things you blow and make a wish?”/“Breathalyzers.”

“Be the reason why someone has to take a break from social media”

“If you put holy water in a humidifier, it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires”

“Many people ask me why I drink so much whiskey. It’s actually because I have a genetic condition.

“If you bring me coffee without having to ask, then I love you”

“The American flag does not fly because the wind moves it. It flies from the last breath…”

“You unsubscribed from our email list. Our unsubscribe donkey, Pepe, will begin his journey…”

“My body doesn’t produce its own alcohol. Therefore, I’m forced to take a supplement”

“You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution”

“You simply cannot leave those who created the problem in chare of the solution!”

“Our flag does not fly because the wind moves it. It flies with the last breath of each soldier…”

“You can’t just leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution”

“It’s nice outside. I think I’ll sit out on the patio *207 mosquitos liked your post*”

“Never trust anyone who doesn’t drink coffee”

“I can’t wait to be sitting on the riverbank night fishing *207 mosquitos liked your post*”

“I can’t wait till camping season starts!!! *207 mosquitos liked your post*”

“There are no gun ‘bans.’ There are only government monopolies on guns”

“I can’t wait for warm summer nights, outside on the patio. *326 mosquitos liked your post*”

“Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal”

“World peace begins with your turn signal”

“World peace starts with using your turn signal”

“Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal”

“Oh, you got a sticker for voting? That’s cool. A banana gets a sticker for being a banana”

“It’s quite hot tonight, might have to sleep with an open window! *39 mosquitos liked your post*”

“You got a sticker for voting. Bananas get a sticker for being bananas”

“It’s hot tonight. I think I’ll sleep with the window open. *207 mosquitoes liked your post*

“You got a sticker for voting? Bananas get stickers for being bananas”

“Oh, you got a sticker for voting? A banana gets a sticker for being a banana”

“Anything I don’t like should be banned. Everything I like should be a human right…”

“It’s that time of year where people will say, ‘It’s too hot for coffee’”

“Cashier wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years experience”

“They cheated in the last election. Better vote them out this time”

“Food for thought: Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s Chicken was fried in Olive Oil?”

“I like my steak so rare…a good vet could bring it back to life”

“I’m here experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour”

“I am presently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour”

“When someone asks what my dream job is. Literally nothing. Who dreams to have a job…”

“I am currently experiencing life at a rate of several WTFs per hour”

“When the airplane door shuts & the seat next to you is open it feels like you just won the lottery”

“When the flight attendants close the cabin doors and the seat next to you is still empty”

“When the plane door shuts and there’s still an empty seat next to you”

“You’ll never find justice in a country where criminals make the rules”

“You will never find justice in a world where criminals make the law”

“You will never find justice in a world where criminals make the laws”

“You’ll never find justice in a land where criminals make all the rules”

“What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?”/“A coconut on vacation.”

“You’ll never find justice in a world where criminals make all the rules”

“The Milky Way is a hard place to be if you’re galactose-intolerant”

“Since nobody reads the 5,000 page bills. let’s slip in ‘term limits’”

“Since nobody reads the 5,592 page bills, let’s slip in ‘term limits’”

“I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy. I’m galactose intolerant”

“Zucchini noodles taste like settling for a husband who isn’t funny but has a good job”

“Zucchini noodles are a fun replacement for pasta if you want to not enjoy your meal anymore”

“Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops. We have the technology!”

“Calling your life a journey doesn’t make it any less of a disaster”

“Thank you, Cheese Nips, for being a delicious cracker & not the name of a strip club in Wisconsin”

“Fact: Drinking beer every day is healthier for you than being dead”

“Never let someone who has done nothing tell you how to do anything”

“Fun Fact: Drinking whiskey is still healthier than being dead”

“Crazy fact #274: Eating 3 pizzas a day is more healthy for you than being dead”

“Never let people who have done nothing tell you how to do anything”

“Cheez-Its are just adult Goldfish”

“Some Old Indian Wisdom… ‘Silence is always better than bullshit’”

“If you eat an entire cake without cutting it, you technically only had one piece”

“Cheese Nips are just Goldfish for adults”

“Silence is always better than bullshit”

“I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas”

“Silence is better than bullshit”

“Cheez-Its are just Goldfish for adults”

“Tread on those who tread on you”

“Sometimes reasonable men must do unreasonable things”

“‘I’m offended’ is the debate equivalent of flipping over the board game when you start losing”

“I need to start buying condiment colored shirts”

“Anyone fell in love with me yet or do I gotta keep posting memes”

“Humans doing the hard jobs on minimum wage while the robots write poetry and paint…”

“Everyone says they’re a patriot until it’s time to do patriot shit”

“Think outside. No box required”

“Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”/“To get to your house.”/“Knock, knock…”

“Did you know 14 muscles are activated when you pour a cup of coffee? Fitness is my passion”

“People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all”

“Cheez-Its are just square Goldfish”

“I’m on a light diet. I eat by daylight, I eat by moonlight, and sometimes, I eat by fridge light”

“Everyone wants to be a patriot until it’s time to do patriot shit”

“Everyone talks about being a patriot until it’s time to do patriot shit”

“Everyone wants to be a patriot until it’s time to do patriot things”

“Cheese Nips are just square Goldfish”

“Everybody wants to be a patriot until it’s time to do patriot shit”

“Everyone wants to be a patriot until it’s time to do patriot stuff”

“I’m on a light diet. I eat in the daylight, moonlight, and sometime at night by my night light”

“The belief that government is a necessary evil is a belief that evil is necessary”

“Hacker: I have all your passwords. Me: OMG thank you, what are they?”