The 2019–20 coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak was eventually declared to be a worldwide pandemic. Here are some associated quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, portmanteaus, acronyms, anagrams and terms (letters H-N). See also Part 1 (quotations, A-G), Part 3 (quotations, O-S), Part 4 (quotations, T-Z) and Part 5 (terms). Please share your results with others because this website is censored by Google.
“Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa”
“Halloween. Wearing masks, eating candy, listening to scary stuff…”
“Has anyone else noticed the word ‘pandemic’ is just ‘dem’ surrounded by ‘panic?‘“
“Has anyone tried turning the country off and on again?”
“Have we tried throwing a politician into a volcano to appease the virus yet?”
“Have you been called conspiracy theorist in 2020? You may be entitled to an apology”
“Have you been traumatized by the toilet paper shortage? You may be entitled to constipation”
“Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid-19? Most people infected are eh symptomatic”
“Have you heard the joke about getting rid of COVID? It’s a riot!”
“Have you noticed that since all the beauty salons have closed nobody’s taking selfies?”
“Have you or a loved one been called a conspiracy theorist? You may be entitled to an apology”
“Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I still wear underwear”
“Heard ye ma’s an anti vaxxer, calls herself Mrs. Doubtpfizer”
“Help! I’m having a coincidence!!”
“Heroes work here” (slogan)
“Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?” (socially distancing pickup line)
“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because if I took you home, it might kill my parents”
“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you’re breathtaking” (pickup line)
“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because your smile is infectious” (pickup line)
“Hey girl, do you have coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking atchoo” (pickup line)
“Hey girl, your name must be Moderna because you just made my heart stop”
“Hey girl, your name must be Pfizer because you just made my heart stop”
“Hoarders suffer from ‘stock home’ syndrome”
“Home invasions should decline. Everyone is at home with guns…”
“Home schooled kids still have school” (snow/virus school closure joke)
“Home schooling question: Does having your children fix your mixed cocktails count as chemistry?”
“Homeschool Day One: Wondering how to get this kid transferred out of my class”
“Hope they allow us off lockdown by July 4th, so we can celebrate our freedom”
“Hope this virus gets resolved before tick season starts, or we’ll be dealing with Corona with Lyme”
“How come liquor stores don’t have empty shelves? People are about to be quarantined with spouses”
“How December 2020 is going to look like: ‘Merry Crisis and a Happy New Fear‘“
“How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?”/“They twerk from home.”
“How do Indian restaurants stay open without their naan essential staff?”
“How do you know if someone is vaccinated?”/“Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.”
“How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?”/“When he’s always coffin.”
“How do you tell vaccinated from unvaccinated if they aren’t wearing masks?” (joke)
“How does Santa Claus prevent himself from getting coronavirus?”/“He uses santatizer.”
“How many lives were saved by taping arrows to the floors of supermarket aisles?”
“How to stop eating during quarantine: Put on your swimsuit instead of your pajamas”
“Husband and I went grocery shopping with masks, got home, took off masks…wrong husband!”
“I almost caught COVID yesterday, but I quickly stood on a social distancing sticker”
“I am 100% in support of mandatory vacations for everyone and booster vacations every 4 months”
“I am exempt from continual government bullshit”
“I am exempt from government bullshit”
“I am not a conspiracy theorist. I am an ‘it’s fucking obvious’ theorist”
“I am tired of being a part of a major historical event” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“I asked a Walmart worker where I could find the nuts. He said they’re in the toilet paper aisle”
“I can always remove my tin foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?”
“I can remove my tin-foil hat. Can you remove your spike proteins?”
“I can’t believe it’s riot season already. I still have my COVID decorations up”
“I don’t care about mandates because I don’t date men”
“I don’t like the fact that my chances of survival seem to be linked to the common sense of others”
“I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been avoiding people since way before the coronavirus”
“I don’t take health advice from people who think the world is overpopulated”
“I don’t think the Renaissance Festival should be closed, because having a real life plague there…”
“I fill sorry four all the kids that half to learn from home with parents who can’t reed…”
“I finished Netflix today”
“I forgot how expensive outside is” (after quarantine)
“I forgot how expensive outside was” (after quarantine)
“I gave my freedom away to get my freedom back and I’m still not free and it’s all your fault”
“I gave up my freedom to get my freedom back and I’m still not free and it’s all your fault”
“I got kicked out of the hospital after telling the coronavirus infected patients to stay positive”
“I got my first shot. And I’ll get my second shot as soon as I can get the bartender’s attention”
“I got pulled over in the carpool lane today…” (joke)
“I got so pissed last night, I don’t remember getting home from the kitchen” (quarantine)
“I had to fly across the country for my vaccine, and, wow, are my arms sore”
“I had to throw out all of my Danish currency. I didn’t wanna catch the Kronervirus”
“I hate anti-maskers. They make me sick”
“I have a condition that prevents me from staying home or wearing a mask. It’s called freedom”
“I have a condition that prevents me from wearing a mask. It’s called freedom”
“I have a medical condition. I’m allergic to tyranny. It makes me break out in rebellion”
“I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors…”
“I hear the monastery is laying off workers. All nun essential staff are gone”
“I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill Corona, so if you see me naked and drunk in the yard…”
“I hope my government will let me go outside today”
“I hope the bars open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking”
“I hope the grocery stores will put the arrows back on the floor again so I can feel safe”
“I hope the pubs open soon. I need to cut down on my drinking”
“I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda”
“I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are They/Lied”
“I identify as a conspiracy theorist, my pronouns are Told/You/So”
“I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister”
“I like my women how I like my Coronavirus…” (NSFW joke)
“I like my women how I like my Covid…” (NSFW joke)
“I may be quarantined, but my boobs have never been freer”
“I might sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and pretend I’m in a hotel” (quarantine joke)
“I miss being able to raw dog oxygen”
“I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator”
“I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve”
“I never thought I would see the day when weed was easier to get than toilet paper”
“I never thought ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole’ would become a national policy”
“I never thought ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 10-foot pole’ would become a national policy”
“I never thought in my entire life that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth”
“I no longer identify as a ‘conspiracy theorist’…”
“I pledge allegiance to the mask of the World Health Organization…”
“I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers… The Times are rough”
“I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus. They’re really good carriers”
“I remember a time when people who got tested with no apparent symptoms were called hypochondriacs”
“I saw you from across the bar. Stay there” (social distancing pickup line)
“I still can’t believe people’s survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper”
“I still don’t know what I’m wearing to the living room New Year’s Eve. I might not even go”
“I tested positive for sickofthisshit-20. There is no cure, and I may or may not be contagious”
“I think it’s about time we start calling this ‘virus’ by its proper name: #5GFLU”
“I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink water, wipe their ass, and wash hands”
“I think we need to stop calling it ‘working from home’ and start calling it ‘living at work‘“
“I thought I had Covid-19 because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was OK”
“I told a joke on a Zoom call today and no one laughed. I guess I’m not remotely funny”
“I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage”
“I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are of naked fat people laying on a couch”
“I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are people lying around with their tits out”
“I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get”
“I TRUST THE SCIENCE!”/“You trust the television.”
“I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account… I can only panic”
“I wanted to do some panic buying today, but after checking my bank account all I can do is panic”
“I washed my hands so much due to COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced”
“I wasn’t sitting here awaiting govt guidance on whether I could celebrate Christmas this year”
“I wear a mask while jogging. It’s a running gag”
“I will not wear it on my face. I will not wear it any place…” (anti-mask poem)
“I will not wear someone else’s fear” (anti-facemask saying)
“I wiped my TV screen with anti-virus wipes. I lost CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, MSNBC, and CNN”
“I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
“I wish the coronavirus had started in Las Vegas. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
“I would never have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds”
“I’d make a COVID joke, but it would be tasteless”
“I’ll be home for Christmas. Been here all year anyway. #2020”
“I’ll take a Corona, hold the virus” (bar request)
“I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it”
“I’m adding ‘showed up for work during the apocalypse’ to my résumé”
“I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing”
“I’m excited that the phrase ‘get the fuck away from me’ is no longer rude but a PSA”
“I’m getting way too comfortable looking this ugly all the time”
“I’m going to be real pissed if I get my shit together and the world ends”
“I’m going to stay up on New Year’s Eve this year. Not to see the new year in…”
“I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited”
“I’m in a bad place right now. Not mentally. I just live in the United States”
“I’m just a girl, standing 6 feet away from a boy. Asking him to maybe move back another foot”
“I’m no scientist, but has anyone tried killing the rona with the bowling alley shoe spray yet?”
“I’m not a conspiracy theorist. I’m a ‘things aren’t adding up and it’s pretty obvious’ theorist”
“I’m not adding this year 2020 to my age. I didn’t use it”
“I’m not adding this year to my age. I didn’t use it”
“I’m not buying a 2021 planner until I see a trailer”
“I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines, but my right arm just told me…” (joke)
“I’m so happy I don’t drive. Especially with all this car owner virus going around”
“I’m starting to miss people I don’t even like” (2019-20 coronavirus lockdown)
“I’m wondering… What should I wear to the couch tonight?” (quarantine joke)
“I’ve been social distancing for years…mostly because of restraining orders”
“I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax”
“I’ve noticed a lot of you are not posting selfies anymore since the beauty salons have closed”
“If 2020 was a bath bomb, it would be a fucking toaster”
“If 2020 was a drink, it would be bong water”
“If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?”/“Colonoscopy prep.”
“If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you?”
“If a leader needs mandates to get people to comply with science…”
“If a manager at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?”
“If a supervisor at work gets the covid, do the people who kiss that ass need to be tested?”
“If coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“If COVID-19 had originated in Sweden, would we be calling it the kronavirus?”
“If government can suspend your rights anytime it deems something a crisis, you don’t have rights”
“If graduation can’t be done at a gym or a football field, perhaps grads could walk thru Walmart”
“If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only, would they have to change their name to Knockers?”
“If it worked and was safe, you wouldn’t need to mandate, force, deceive or threaten…”
“If science was never questioned, you’d still be drinking cocaine…”
“If someone is videotaping a person in a mask, is that a masking tape?”
“If the coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“If the fully vaccinated can get it and spread it, why aren’t they losing their jobs too?”
“If there is a risk, there must be a choice”
“If there is risk, there must be choice”
“If they had just called it ‘the stay at home challenge’ and posted it on social media…”
“If we all stay inside a bit longer, then maybe we can starve mosquitos to extinction”
“If we can just get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to…”
“If we continue wearing masks, the next generation will think a mouth is a private part”
“If we’re going to have one way grocery aisles, I’m going to need a passing lane”
“If you can smell their fart, you’re not far enough apart” (social distancing)
“If you can’t drink for three, plus leave your place for the professionals” (bar sign)
“If you can’t handle me when I’m broke, then you don’t deserve me when I have 60 bucks”
“If you can’t handle me when I’m broke, then you don’t deserve me when I have $600”
“If you catch the coronavirus twice, is it called Dos Equis?”
“If you divide 2020 by 5 you get 404, so basically this entire year is an error message”
“If you get corona virus twice, is it called Dos Equis?”
“If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands”
“If you have a threesome, you have the recommended six feet between you”
“If you keep a beer in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you keep a drink in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you keep a sword in one hand and the decapitated head of an enemy in the other…”
“If you leave an alcoholic drink for Santa this year, it must be accompanied by a substantial meal”
“If you leave your children a world where you never stood up, they’ll get one where they can’t”
“If you mix Tabasco in hand sanitizer, it will not only kill germs…”
“If you need a vaccine passport to ‘return to normal,’ you’re not returning to normal”
“If you pretend I’m wearing a mask, I’ll pretend yours works”
“If you see me talking to myself, mind your business. I’m having a parent teacher conference”
“If you see my kids crying outside and picking weeds, just keep on driving. They’re on a field trip”
“If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill”
“If you show your papers to attend a Remembrance Day ceremony, you’ve already forgotten”
“If you truly want to follow the science, then follow the silenced”
“If you trust the government, I don’t trust you”
“If you use a stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing…”
“If you want to follow the science, follow the silenced”
“If you watch TV, you are in the middle of a deadly pandemic. If you don’t, it’s Wednesday”
“If you wear jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight”
“If you’re down by the schoolyard, stay away from Rosie. She’s the Queen of Corona”
“If you’re homeschooled, all your work is homework”
“If you’re planning to drink tonight, please remember to wander around your house responsibly”
“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your chance!” (face mask requirement)
“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your time to shine!” (face mask requirement)
“If you’re ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment!” (face mask requirement)
“If you’ve ever wondered whether you would have complied during 1930s Germany, now you know”
“If your crush gets Covid, propose to her. She might say yes due to lack of taste”
“Imagine a virus so dangerous that you have to be tested to know if you have it”
“Imagine a virus so deadly that it doesn’t infect those who don’t give a shit”
“Imagine a virus so deadly that you have to be tested to know if you have it”
“Imagine being on the wrong side of history while it repeats itself. Like failing an open-book test”
“In 20 years, this country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers”
“In England, ‘booster shot’ is spelled ‘borchestershire shot‘“
“In Massachusetts, booster shot is spelled borcester shot”
“In my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the barman shouted ‘last call‘“
“In Pagan cultures, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods”
“In Pagan times, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods”
“In retrospect, it was a mistake not being a billionaire before heading into this pandemic”
“In Scandinavia, they call it the Kronavirus”
“Insanity is taking the same vaccine over and over again, and expecting to be protected”
“Insisting on rights without acknowledging responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence”
“Instead of ‘unvaccinated,’ call yourself organic. Being natural is normal”
“Ironically, the only people still scared of Covid are vaccinated against it”
“Is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism?”
“Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids go to school? Or am I just a bad teacher?”
“Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?”
“Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that logic only apply to global warming?”
“Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that only work for climate change?”
“It could be worse, you could be quarantined with me”
“It happened! I finally got laid…… Off”
“It is time for many people to be arrested suddenly”
“It should be illegal for you to choose whether you leave your house because you could harm me…”
“It started with a bat, went quickly to toilet paper… We’ve all gone bat, shit, crazy”
“It takes a village to raise a child…and a distillery to home school one”
“It takes a village to raise a child…and a vineyard to home school one”
“It was supposed to be a battle against the pandemic to protect the people…”
“It was supposed to be a fight against the pandemic to protect the people…”
“It’s a great time to walk in a cemetery. It’s guaranteed that everybody is at least 6 feet away”
“It’s a little early for a cocktail. When did you start drinking?”/“March.”
“It’s Delta variant if it’s from the Delta region of India. Otherwise it’s just sparkling Covid-19”
“It’s just as easy to buy a scientist as it is to buy a politician”
“It’s just as easy to buy scientists as it is to buy politicians”
“It’s like I’m 16 again. $5 is gas money & we all grounded” (quarantine joke)
“It’s no longer 5 o’clock somewhere. It’s 2020 everywhere, so drink whenever you want”
“It’s not a booster, it’s a 3rd shot of something that didn’t work the first 2 times!”
“It’s not a booster. It’s the 3rd shot of a product that already failed twice”
“It’s not a booster. It’s the third shot of a product that already failed twice”
“It’s not a pandemic. It’s an IQ test”
“It’s not about safety. It’s about control”
“It’s not the government’s job to protect my health. Its job is to protect my rights”
“It’s not the virus they want to control. It’s us”
“It’s not the virus they want to control. It’s you”
“It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante region of France” (joke)
“It’s the jab, stupid”
“It’s time for many people to be arrested suddenly”
“Just got kicked out of the hospital for telling the Covid patients to stay positive”
“Just seen a burglar kicking is own door in. He was working from home”
“Just to be clear, none of this matters if there is a virus” (said at Constitutional Convention)
“Just to be clear, we have all agreed that liquor stores are ‘essential’ and schools are not”
“Just tried to buy toilet paper, but the grocery store’s supply was wiped out”
“Keep in mind even during a pandemic, no matter how much chocolate you eat, earrings will still fit”
“Keep your nose in your mask and out my business bitch”
“Keep your nose in your mask and out of my business”
“Kinda starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the front door opens”
“Leaving the house in 2020: keys, phone, card, vape, face mask, hand sanitiser…”
“Legalize recreational dining”
“Let’s all stay inside until people never die again!”
“Let’s have Netflix run the next pandemic. They don’t let anything get three seasons”
“Let’s make one thing clear, ‘the experts’ were never wrong. They were always lying. Big difference”
“Let’s not tell some people when quarantine is over”
“Let’s not tell some people when the quarantine is over”
“Liberal media is the virus”
“Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes”
“Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole”
“Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole”
“Liquor (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together”
“Mainstream media is the virus”
“Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep a safe distance from doubt. And isolate from unbelief”
“Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep distance from doubt, and isolate from fear”
“Make sure you test positive for faith. Stay 6ft away from doubt, and isolate from unbelief”
“Mandate freedom”
“Mandate vegetables”
“Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem” (homeschool)
“Marijuana is legal. Haircuts are not. It took fifty years, but the hippies have finally won”
“Married men told their wives, ‘I’ll do that when I have the time‘“ (quarantine joke)
“Mask it or casket” (face mask slogan)
“Masks are the new bra…”
“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s quarantine”
“Maybe she’s losing it. Maybe it’s quarantine”
“Maybe they should call it the Squirrel Flu because everyone is nuts and hoarding everything”
“Me looking outside to see what chapter of Revelation we’re doing today”
“Me: This show is boring. Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference.”
“Media is the real virus”
“Might sleep on the couch to cut down on my morning commute”
“Motorcyclists wearing face masks but no helmet is the ultimate irony”
“MSM is the virus”
“My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet”
“My car is getting 3 weeks to a gallon” (quarantine joke)
“My COVID-19 is the most weight I’ve gained since my Freshman 15”
“My dad’s sisters can’t get Covid. They have antibodies”
“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about us”
“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about you”
“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about your health”
“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for me”
“My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for you”
“My freedom doesn’t end where your fear begins”
“My mailbox is under quarantine. Not accepting bills at this time”
“My mask broke at the store. I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl”
“My mask broke in the store and it felt like my titty popped out”
“My mask protects you. Your mask protects me”
“My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day…” (joke)
“My mom’s sister doesn’t get Corona. She has an auntie body”
“My rights don’t end where your fear begins”
“My rights don’t end where your fear begins. So go fuck yourself”
“My rights don’t end where your fears begin”
“My sex life is like COVID-19. I don’t have COVID-19”
“My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone trying on summer clothes”
“My tin foil hat won’t give me myocarditis”
“My vaccine dad joke failed. But it was worth a shot”
“Nail Salons-Closed. Hair Salons-Closed. Lash Salons-Closed. It’s about to get real ugly out here”
“Name a product that blames its failure on those who didn’t use it”
“Name a product that blames its failure on those who don’t use it”
“Natural immunity is science. Just not the revenue generating kind”
“Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth”
“Never take health advice from any person or institution that believes the world is overpopulated”
“New walk of shame: Walking back to your car because you forgot your mask”
“New York is dead. Don’t come back”
“New York’s not dead. It’s just underground”
“No one in Antarctica has COVID-19. It’s because they are ice-o-lated”
“No Shirt, No Shoes, No Mask, No Service” (business sign)
“No Shoes, No Shirt, No Mask, No Service” (business sign)
“Nobody but you should get to decide if taking a product with death listed as a side effect…”
“Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season” (joke)
“Not forcing you, just taking away everything until you consent”
“Not to brag, but we haven’t been late for anything in over two weeks”
“Nothing says ‘trust the science’ like ‘we can’t tell you what’s in it and you can’t sue us‘“
“Now I know why dogs get so excited to go for walks”
“Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people” (virus joke)
“Now is probably the perfect time to become a ventriloquist”
“Now Showing: No Close Encounters of Any Kind” (quarantine movie joke)
“Now that the gyms are closed, this summer is going to be about personalities”
“Now that the gyms are closed, this summer is going to be about personality”
“Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly. Next week: turn signals”
New York City • Government/Law/Military/Religion /Health • Wednesday, September 30, 2020 • Permalink