Many magicians have performed the “sawing a woman in half” trick. A joke was posted on Twitter by Fresh Stand Up on May 23, 2014:
   
“I belong to a family of failed magicians…I’ve got two half-sisters http://bit.ly/RjAbKM  via @sickipedia”
 
The joke originated on the Sickipedia website. English comedian Milton Jones used the joke in March 2015, but it doesn’t appear that he said it first.
 
     
Wikipedia: Sawing a woman in half 
Sawing a woman in half is a generic name for a number of stage magic tricks in which a person (traditionally a female assistant) is apparently sawn or divided into two or more pieces.
   
Twitter
Essai - Rocinante 🏴‍ ☠  ⚓
@MMBM_LOAG
Dude belong to a family of failed magicians… Niqqa’ve got two half-sisters >.<

3:54 PM - 23 May 2014
   
Twitter
Bob Kostic
@causticbob
I belong to a family of failed magicians…  I’ve got two half-sisters   #sickipedia
3:56 PM - 23 May 2014
   
Twitter
Fresh Stand Up
@FreshStandUp
I belong to a family of failed magicians…I’ve got two half-sisters http://bit.ly/RjAbKM  via @sickipedia
4:55 PM - 23 May 2014
         
The Guardian (London, UK)
Milton Jones review – pun-loving comedian’s desert island adventure
Brian Logan
Mon 2 Mar 2015 06.29 EST Last modified on Wed 29 Nov 2017 17.32 EST
(...)
The one about the biography of the man who invented Sellotape; the one about Holby City; the one about “coming from a family of failed magicians: I’ve got two half-sisters.”
 
Herald Sun (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia)
Milton Jones and The Temple of Daft ★★★★
Andrew Fenton, Herald Sun
March 27, 2015 8:32pm
(...)
“I come from a family of failed magicians,” he tells us. “I have two half-sisters.”
   
Twitter
Andrew Fenton
@andrewfenton
Milton Jones and the Temple of Daft. Quality puns. And some Dad jokes. “I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half sisters”.
1:22 AM - 28 Mar 2015
 
Reddit—Jokes
Posted by u/trekiez_revamped April 2, 2015
I come from a family of failed magicians
I have 2 half sisters
       
Twitter 
Stuart Gordon
@Hugh_Jarse
@themiltonjones was fantastic at his Reading gig last night. “I come from a family of failed magicians. I have two half-sisters ...”
4:20 AM - 10 Jun 2016
 
The Scotsman
Martyn McLaughlin: The problem with an award for best Edinburgh Fringe joke
By MARTYN MCLAUGHLIN
Published: 06:00
Wednesday 22 August 2018
(...)
Similarly, Milton Jones once took it upon himself to construct an entire narrative for one stand-up show around one-liners. The result demonstrated the importance of lateral thinking and the use – and misuse – of language. Despite the self-imposed limitations of the format, he found ample opportunity to showcase some lines that were as thoughtful as they were hilarious. (“I come from a family of failed magicians,” went one. “I’ve got two half-sisters”).
   
Reddit—Jokes
Posted by u/dennyitlo October 29, 2018
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have two half-sisters.
 
Reddit—Dadjokes
Posted by u/Tamizander February 28, 2019
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I’ve got two half sisters.
 
Twitter
You Are Joking
@lahlahbean
#badjokefriday #1PUN
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have two half-sisters.
8:00 AM - 10 May 2019