A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeye's fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

Recent entries:
New Orange (not Big Orange; 1673-1674) (5/10)
“New York is a sucked orange” (not Big Apple; Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1860) (5/10)
Vaxie (vaccine/vaccination selfie) (5/10)
“Auto-correct walks into a bar…” (bar joke) (5/8)
“Move Tax Day to the day before Election Day” (5/8)
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Entry from July 25, 2015
Month 12—December

The following words or phrases are about December:

“Autumn carries more gold in its pocket than all the other seasons”
“Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring”
“Autumn is my favorite color”
“Autumn skies and pumpkin pies”
“Autumn, the year’s last, loveliest smile”
“Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year. Looks like i’m in for a wild December”
Hanukkah Gelt

Second “Big Apple” explanation: December 1, 1926

DECEMBER (first Monday)
“Cyber Monday—The one time a year that people look forward to Monday mornings”

DECEMBER (first Tuesday)
Giving Tuesday (Tuesday after Thanksgiving)

DECEMBER 22 (or last Saturday before Christmas)
Panic Saturday or Super Saturday (Saturday before Christmas)
Super Saturday or Panic Saturday (Saturday before Christmas)

DECEMBER 23 (day before Christmas Eve)
Christmas Adam (December 23, the day before Christmas Eve)

DECEMBER 24 (Christmas Eve)
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?"/"It’s Christmas, Eve.”
Ensalada de Noche Buena (Christmas Eve Salad)
Oyster Stew (Christmas Eve Oyster Stew)

DECEMBER 25 (Christmas)
“A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing”
“A green Thanksgiving means a white Christmas”
“A man’s life: He believes in Santa Claus, he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus”
“A pub is for life, not just for Christmas”
“About all you can do is dream of a white Christmas; it leaves most of us in the red”
“Absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh”
“All I want for Christmas is a self-cleaning house”
“Always jingle all the way! Nobody likes a half-assed jingler”
“Am I going to put the Christmas tree up myself? No, I’m going to put it up in the living room!”
“An honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus…” (joke)
“Are you putting the Christmas tree up yourself?"/"No, I’m going to put it up in the living room!”
“As long as we have wine, the holidays will be fine”
“Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving this year to save on Christmas gifts”
“Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?” (joke)
“Candy cane wishes and mistletoe kisses”
“Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer” (pun)
“Christmas cookies and happy hearts, this is how the holiday starts”
“Christmas is a competition between who gives up first: your feet or your wallet”
“Christmas is a deeply religious time we observe by going to the mall of our choice”
“Christmas is not as much about opening presents, as opening our hearts”
“Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money”
“Christmas: The only time of year where you can sit by a dead tree and eat candy out of socks”
“Christmas: The time of year when everyone gets Santamental”
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful”
“Co-workers are like Christmas lights. Half of them don’t work; the other half aren’t bright”
“Did Rudolph go to a regular school?"/"No, he was elf taught.”
“Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote for Christmas…”
“Do Santa’s cookies pair well with white wine? Asking for a friend”
“Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle”
“Don’t worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas…”
“Every year for Christmas I ask Satan to cure me of my dyslexia”
“Every year Santa delivers presents to kids based on what their parents’ income is”
“First coffee, then presents”
“For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus. It’s the little things that count”
“For Christmas, I’ve got my wife a telepathic abacus. It’s the thought that counts”
“Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family that I am a gift”
“Happy whatever doesn’t offend you” (greeting)
“He always knew he was a little different, but he let his light shine. Be more Rudolph”
“He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree”
“How did Santa kill a dragon?"/"He sleighed it.”
“How did Scrooge win the football game?"/"The ghost of Christmas passed!”
“How do elves eat their pancakes?"/"In short stacks.”
“How do fish celebrate Christmas?"/"By hanging reefs on the door.”
“How do you decorate a canoe for Christmas?"/"With oar-naments.”
“How do you know when Santa is in the room?"/"You can sense his presents.”
“How do you scare a snowman?"/"You get a hairdryer!”
“How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?"/"One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.”
“How does Santa Claus prevent himself from getting coronavirus?"/"He uses santatizer.”
“How does Santa get his reindeer to fly?"/"He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!”
“How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?"/"He keeps a log book.”
“How much did Santa’s sleigh cost?"/"Nothing, it was on the house.”
“I bet Spider-Man could make a lot of money putting up Christmas lights in New York”
“I bought my mom a fridge for Christmas” (joke)
“I don’t celebrate Christmas, but I do enjoy the festive drinks. You could say I’m eggnogstic”
“I go to the gym religiously. About twice a year around the holidays”
“I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner”
“I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook”
“I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics over Thanksgiving dinner”
“I knew a guy who collected candy canes. They were all in mint condition”
“I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking”
“I’d like to buy Christmas stamps."/"What denomination?” (joke)
“I’ll be home for Christmas, Been here all year anyway. 2020”
“I’m bringing out a new version of the Band Aid song, ‘Duvet Know It’s Christmas?’ It’s a cover!”
“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red”
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th”
“I’m trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won’t open!”
“If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas”
“If judging others is a sin, is Santa going to hell?”
“If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas”
“If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas again”
“If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry fucking Christmas”
“If Santa Claus should fail to call, bears may come to Broad & Wall” (Santa Claus Rally)
“If you leave an alcoholic drink for Santa this year, it must be accompanied by a substantial meal”
“It isn’t the holly, it isn’t the snow. It isn’t the tree nor the firelight’s glow” (Christmas poem)
“It just isn’t Christmas unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve”
“It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes”
“It’s not what you eat between Christmas and New Year’s that makes you fat…”
“It’s the most wonderful time to drink beer”
“Jesus is the reason for the season” (Christmas saying)
“Jingle bells, Batman smells”
“Let’s put the rum in pa-rum pum pum pum”
“Liberals are like Christmas lights. Half of them don’t work; the other half aren’t bright”
“Living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to the world”
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them for Christmas”
“Mary and Abby!"/"Mary and Abby who?"/"Mary Christmas and a Abby New Year!”
“Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from your doorman—second notice”
“Merry everything and a happy always”
“Merry Tex-mas, Y’all!”
“Money’s short, times are hard. Here’s your fucking Christmas card”
“My favorite color is Christmas lights”
“Name three things that don’t hang themselves."/"Christmas ornaments, drywall and Jeffrey Epstein”
“Nobody shoots at Santa Claus”
“Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log”
“Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas. The other letters were not-E”
“Pringles got into my carpet. It’s beginning to look a lot like crisp mush”
“Red or Green (or Christmas)?” (red sauce, green sauce, or half-red and half-green chile sauce)
“Remember the Neediest” (New York Times Christmas Appeal)
“Remember to set your scale back 10 lb. this week”
“Roses are red, violets are blue-ish. If it weren’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish”
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year”
“Santa played a round of golf on Christmas day and hit a birdie. It was a partridge on a par 3”
“Santa saw your Instagram pictures. You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas”
“Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses”
“Shopping days until Christmas”
“Sign in a local hospital: ‘From all of us here at the Dermotology Department - Merry Eczemas‘“
“Some herbs taste much better at Christmas. It’s the most wonderful thyme of the year”
“Someone’s stollen my German Christmas cake”
“Sweet, but twisted. Does that make me a candy cane?”
“The bears have Thanksgiving, but the bulls have Christmas” (or, “The bulls have Thanksgiving…")
“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family”
“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear”
“The devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyers’ tongues and clerks’ fingers”
“The first Noel, the angels did say. You’ll be paying your bills from now until May”
“The gift of giving is the best gift we have been given”
“The magic of Christmas never ends and its greatest of gifts are family and friends”
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live”
“The office Christmas party is a chance to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes”
“The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless”
“There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise” (pun)
“They tried to kill us…we won…let’s eat!” (Jewish holiday parody)
“This Christmas, I’d like a fat bank account and a slim body”
“This year I plan to start putting off my Christmas shopping extra early”
“Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included”
“‘Tis the season to be freezin’”
“To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant”
“Today’s advice: Sing Christmas carols at work until they send you home”
“Today’s advice: Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home”
“Trimming the tree with happy hearts, that’s the way the holiday starts”
“Turkeys don’t vote for Christmas”
“What are you waiting for? Christmas?”
“What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?"/"Silent Night.”
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?"/"It’s Christmas, Eve.”
“What did I get for Christmas? Fat. I got fat”
“What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he looked out the window?"/"Looks like rain, dear.”
“What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?"/"COOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLL!”
“What did the grape say to the peanut butter?"/“‘Tis the season to be jelly.”
“What did the sheep say to the shepherd?"/"Season’s bleatings!”
“What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?"/"Get out of my face.”
“What do elves do after school?"/"Gnomework.”
“What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?"/"Horn-aments.”
“What do Santa’s elves learn at school?"/"The elfabet.”
“What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?"/"Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“What do you call a disobedient kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?"/"A rebel without a Claus.”
“What do you call a rich elf?"/"Welfy.”
“What do you call a singing elf?"/"A wrapper.”
“What do you call it when Father Christmas claps his hands at the end of a play?"/"Santapplause.”
“What do you drain your Brussels sprouts with at Christmas?"/"An Advent colander.”
“What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?"/"Crisp Cringle.”
“What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?"/"A pineapple.”
“What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?”
“What happened to the man who stole an Advent calendar?"/"He got 25 days.”
“What hides in the bakery at Christmas?"/"Mince spy.”
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day”
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present”
“What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?"/"Shortbread.”
“What kind of paper likes music?"/"Wrapping paper.”
“What language does Santa Claus speak?"/"North Polish.”
“What nationality is Santa Claus?"/"North Polish.”
“What street in France do reindeer live on?"/"Rue Dolph.”
“What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?"/"A sad candy cane.”
“What’s Santa’s favorite sandwich?"/"Peanut butter and jolly.”
“What’s the best Christmas present for a musician?"/"A broken drum. You can’t beat it.”
“What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?” (riddle)
“What’s the most popular Christmas wine?"/"I don’t like Brussels sprouts!”
“What’s the worst thing to find in stockings at Christmas?"/"Your dad.”
“What’s white and goes up?"/"A confused snowflake.”
“When does New Year’s Day come before Christmas?"/"Every year!”
“When I say I go to the gym religiously, I mean every Christmas and Easter”
“When Jesus is born, I get presents. When Jesus dies, I get chocolate”
“When someone asks where is your Christmas spirit, point to the liquor cabinet”
“When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hips, thighs and rear”
“When you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear”
“Where does Christmas come before Easter?"/"In the dictionary.”
“Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?”/"In the dictionary.”
“Where does Santa stay when he is on holiday?"/"In a ho-ho-hotel.”
“Which of Santa’s reindeer has bad manners?"/“‘Rude’olph.”
“Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?"/“‘Rude’olph.”
“Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?"/"Tarzipan.”
“Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?"/"They always drop their needles.”
“Why are Dasher and Dancer always taking coffee breaks?"/"Because they’re Santa’s star bucks.”
“Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?"/"They have herd immunity.”
“Why can’t Santa Claus get COVID-19?"/"He has santibodies.”
“Why did Johnny get low grades after Christmas?"/"Everything is marked down after the holidays.”
“Why did Santa’s little helpers sit outside the restaurant?"/"They wanted to eat elfresco.”
“Why did the cranberries turn red?"/"Because they saw the turkey dressing.”
“Why didn’t Rudolph get a good report card?"/"Because he went down in History.”
“Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?"/"So they can have something to unwrap.”
“Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween and Christmas?"/"Because Oct 31 is Dec 25.”
“Why does Christmas always come just when the stores are so crowded?”
“Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?"/"Because it soots him.”
“Why does Scrooge love Rudolph?"/"Because every buck is dear to him.”
“Why don’t strings get any presents for Christmas?"/"Because they’re always on the knotty list.”
“Why is a foot a good Christmas present?"/"Because it’s a great stocking filler.”
“Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?” (joke)
“Why is Santa Claus immune to COVID-19?"/"Because he has santabodies.”
“Why was Santa Claus sick?"/"He came down with the flue.”
“Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?"/"Because he had low elf esteem.”
“Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?"/"Because their days are numbered.”
“Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus”
“Yo mama is so old, her first Christmas was the first Christmas”
“You can tell Santa is a man because no woman would ever wear the same outfit every year”
“You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor to wrap Christmas gifts…”
“Your Merry Christmas depends on what others do for you; New Year on what you do for others”
Blue Santa
Brown Santa
Candy Cane Lane
Christmas Capital of Texas (Grapevine nickname)
Christmas Tree Bill
Dyker Lights (Dyker Heights at Christmas)
Holiday Pounds
Hallothanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)
Hallowthanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)
Kris Kringle
Oyster Stew (Christmas Eve Oyster Stew)
Peppermint Pig
Ponche Navideño or Ponche de Navidad (Mexican Christmas Punch)
Santa Claus & Sidewalk Santas
Santa Claus Curse (New York Mets)
Secret Santa
Tamalada (tamale-making party)
Texas Lizzies (Christmas cookies)
U Suckers Missed Christmas ("USMC” backronym)
Winterval (winter + festival)
World’s Most Famous Christmas Tree

DECEMBER 26 (Boxing Day)
“How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day?"/"Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve.”

DECEMBER 30 (day before New Year’s Eve)
New Year’s Adam (December 30, the day before New Year’s Eve)

“If you’re planning to drink tonight, please remember to wander around your house responsibly”
“Kiss me. It’s midnight somewhere”
“Lift your left leg up on December 31st at 11:59:59. Start the New Year off on the right foot”
“Poop before midnight. You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new year”
“This New Year’s Eve, remember to drink and wander around your house responsibly”
“What did Adam say on the day before New Year’s?"/"Happy New Year’s, Eve.”
“What did Adam say on the day before New Year’s?"/"It’s New Year’s, Eve.”
NYE (New Year’s Eve)

Posted by Barry Popik
New York CityCalendar • Saturday, July 25, 2015 • Permalink