"The ideal man doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist” is a jocular saying that has been printed on many images. There are many versions of the saying, and authorship is unknown.

“The fellow who doesn’t drink, smoke or swear doesn’t exist. A NICE GIRL” was printed in the Sunday News (New York, NY) on April 13, 1930. “The perfect man doesn’t drink, smoke or swear; doesn’t borrow from his friends and doesn’t steal; doesn’t make love to all the girls and overlord the men. In fact, the perfect man doesn’t exist” was printed in the Abilene (TX) Reporter-News on September 11, 1945.

“The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist” was posted on Twitter by Smile on September 6, 2012. “‘The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.’ — Unknown” was posted on the website YourTango on June 7, 2019.


13 April 1930, Sunday News (New York, NY), “Voice of the People,” pg. 15, col. 4:
Troy, N.Y.: (...) The fellow who doesn’t drink, smoke or swear doesn’t exist. A NICE GIRL.

12 August 1945, Cedar Rapids (IA) , “Yanks from the Camps,” sec. 4, pg. 2, col. 3:
The perfect soldier doesn’t borrow money, doesn’t give women a line, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke—doesn’t exist.
The Armored News

11 September 1945, Abilene (TX) Reporter-News, “In West Texas,” pg. 6, col. 1:
As it seems to the Bronte ENTERPRISE: The perfect man doesn’t drink, smoke or swear; doesn’t borrow from his friends and doesn’t steal; doesn’t make love to all the girls and overlord the men. In fact, the perfect man doesn’t exist.

14 July 1948, The Courier-Journal (Louisville, KY), “Try and Stop Me” by Bennett Cerf, sec. 1, pg. 7, col. 5:
AT THE last booksellers’ convention, a prim lady from New England reminded a Californian who possibly had drunk to the health of too many publishers, “We have a saying in our State, young man. The perfect man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t swear—and above all, doesn’t drink.” “You forgot to add one item,” the Californian answered cheerfully. “He doesn’t EXIST.”

Twitter
Evio Productions
@EvioPro
Heyy listen up!! An ideal man doesn’t drink, doesn’t snore, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t argue, doesn’t come late and DOESN’T EXIST!!
5:38 AM - 10 Jun 2009

Twitter
the devil in prada 👠
@hesmyluckystar
the perfect boy doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t lie, doesn’t cheat.. doesn’t exist!
11:58 AM - 10 Nov 2009

Twitter
Smile
@_SmileJustSmile
The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.
3:16 PM - 6 Sep 2012

Twitter
Olutoyese
@uncle_toye
The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.
4:22 PM - 6 Sep 2012

Twitter
Rocket 🚀
@TumblrJournaI
The perfect boyfriend doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t cheat...and doesn’t exist.
2:00 AM - 22 Nov 2012

Google Books
Aunty Acid’s Guide to Love
By Ged Backland
Layton, UT: Gibbs SMith
2013
Pg. ?:
THE PERFECT GUY DOESN’T DRINK, DOESN’T SMOKE, DOESN’T CHEAT...AND DOESN’T EXIST.

Google Books
Only for Special Women
By Mathias Gonzalez
Lulu Press (Lulu.com)
2015
Pg. ?:
The perfect man: doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t come home late, doesn’t betray… in short, he doesn’t exist!

Google Books
A Run for the Money
By Stephen G. Yanoff
BLoomington, IN: AuthorHouse
2016
Pg. ?:
“The ideal man doesn’t complain, doesn’t flirt, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t gamble, and doesn’t exist.”

Google Books
Of Quips ‘N’ Quirks
By Vincent Thnay
Lulu Press (Lulu.com)
2019
Pg. ?:
The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist. - Unknown

YourTango
30 Quotes For Men About Masculinity, Being A Good Father & What Makes A Man
Steven Hall
June 7, 2019
(...)
12. Your ideal doesn’t exist.
“The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.” — Unknown