“Why is a police dog called a K-9?”/“Because if it was higher it would be a cat.”

Goolag (Google + gulag)

“I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up”

“Coffee is my morning wine”

“Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?”/“To get to the other side.”

“Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?”/“She wanted to lay it on the line.”

“It’s kind of funny how there’s never lines at water park restrooms”

“I get fatter and broker each time I don’t take my lunch to work”

“I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up”

“What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?”/“He wiped his ass.”

“Tequila is just dream-flavored water”

“If I had a penny for every time I said ‘diet starts tomorrow,’ I’d afford lipo”

“Beer is just dream-flavored water”

Confungry (confused + hungry)

“Name your baby ‘Gotham’” (joke)

“Why did the vegan meat cross the road?”/“To prove it wasn’t chicken.”

“Why did the vegan meat cross the road?”/“To prove it wasn’t chicken.”

“What happens when frogs park illegally?”/“They get toad.”

“The 5 second rule does not apply when you have a 2 second dog”

“If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?”

“Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?”/“Because they have a supreme ruler.”

“What kind of tree has no money?”/“Burr oak.”

“If you eat too many Little Debbie cakes, you’ll become a Big Deborah”

“If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?”

“I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. I’ve been charged with a graph-aided assault”

“August is like the Sunday of summer”

“I’m addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp”

Monsatan (Monsanto + satan)

“What dinosaur loves pancakes?”/“A tri-syrup-tops.”

“Where did the Easter bunny go to college?”/ “Johns Hopkins.”

“The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work”

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on your computer”

“What is a bear’s favorite drink?”/“Koka-Koala.”

“What is an autograph?”/“A chart which shows car sales.”

“What did the tornado say to the car?”/“You wanna go for a spin?”

“Why did the man put a clock under his desk?”/“He wanted to work overtime.”

“What did the painter say to the wall?”/“One more crack and I’ll plaster you!”

“Where did the fortune-teller go on her vacation”/“To Palm Beach.”

“What do you call a Russian tree that grows meat?”/“Dimitri.”

“If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which station would it work? A crust station.”

“How do you make Swiss cheese?”/“With a holey cow.”

“Is a subpar golfer good or bad?”

FAANG (Facebook, Apple, Amazon, Netflix and Google)

“85% of the Internet considers themselves an introvert and they are all outspoken about it”

“If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem. Just accuse them of raise-ism”

“What’s a teddy bear’s favorite pasta?”/“Tagliateddy.”

“What do you call an eternity?”/“Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.”

“Keep your friends close and your wine glass closer”

“What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?” (joke)

“I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and the car is parked”

“The ladder to success” (joke)

“I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting”

“A nap is just a shortcut to your next meal”

“What’s a KKK member’s favorite donut?”/“White powder.”

“I don’t see why there aren’t marches against fat shaming…” (joke)

“I felt bad, but then I installed a new version of office. It improved my outlook”

“Watermelon is 50% water and 50% melon”

“What’s the difference between EA and North Korea?” (gaming joke)

“New York strip—how does a steak get a dance name?”

“Any guy who plays heavy metal at work is office rocker”

“The American flag on the moon has turned white. It’s now a French flag”

“As I get older, I remember all the people I’ve lost. Maybe a tour guide career wasn’t for me”

“You should get an employee discount for using self-checkout in a store”

“I don’t see why there aren’t marches against fat shaming…” (joke)

“How do you tune a fish?”/“With its scales.”

“What famous Greek might have invented baseball?’/“Homer.”

“Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life”

“If you do pass the McKinley bill, we shall have to come over to your country and thrash you”

“What kind of underwear should you wear during an eclipse?”/“Fruit of the moon.”

“There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator” (math joke)

“Why did the cow cross the road?”/“To get to the udder side.”

“Checking social media at work is our generation’s smoke break”

“What did the bunny say when he had only thistles to eat?”/“Thistle have to do!”

“How does the man in the moon cut his hair?”/“Eclipse it.”

“Oh my God, a talking sausage!” (joke)

“Parking a single car doesn’t require much space. But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot”

“How does the man on the moon cut his hair?”/“Eclipse it.”

“I stole the car because I had to get to work” (joke)

“You had one job” (meme)

“The exact defense chili developed to preserve the species is the exact reason they are devoured”

“Cheerios are donut seeds”

“Why didn’t you take the bus?” (joke)

“Yo mama is so fat, when she went skydiving she caused an eclipse”

“We live in a world where community service is a punishment”

“Why did the chili pepper cross the road?”/“To get to the Otherside.”

“I would get up early and jog in the morning, but I don’t want to be the guy to find dead bodies”

“Yo mama is so fat, when she went skydiving she caused an eclipse”

“I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder”

“Solar energy is just nuclear energy from a safe distance”

“With Google Earth, people can see any place on the globe. But we just look up our homes”

“Where do Martians drink beer?”/“At a Mars bar.”

“I give the eclipse one star”

“If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse…”

“I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder”

“Why is Spain so good at soccer?”/“Because no one expects the Spanish in position.”

“The TW in Twitter stands for Time Wasted”

“Why did the chili pepper cross the road?”/“To get to the Otherside.”

“With great power comes great electricity bill”

Soviet Poverty Lie Center (Southern Poverty Law Center or SPLC nickname)

“What prize did the meteorologist win for coming in last?”/“A precipitation trophy.”