A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeyes fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

Recent entries:
“Smile. It’s Friday” (3/1)
“So I need a uterus to have an opinion about women’s health, but not to compete in women’s sports” (3/1)
“Income tax: the fine you pay for not being quite the person your ancestor was” (3/1)
“Wind chimes are made from the metallic bones of robots that tried to overthrow us…” (3/1)
Entry in progress—BP3 (3/1)
More new entries...

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"Macaroni is just tube spaghetti"

Macaroni Monday

Macaroni Salad

"Macarons are hipster Oreos"

"Macarons are just bougie Oreos"

"Macarons are just fancy Oreos"

"Macarons are just French Oreos"

"Macarons are the rich person's Oreos"

MacB (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

MacBee (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

Maccabees (Yeshiva University teams)

Maccy D's (McDonald's nickname)

MacDaddy (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

Machaca (Machacado con heuvo)

Machito ("Texas Haggis")

Mackers (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

Macro Tourist

"Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works"

Macy's Flower Show

"Mad as a bag of ferrets" (very mad)

"Mad as a box of frogs" (very mad)

"Mad as a ferret" (very mad)

"Mad as a wet hen" (very mad)

Mad. Ave.

Mad Men (Madison Avenue admen)

Mad Money

"Madder than a box of frogs" (very mad)

"Madder than a hornet" ("As mad as a hornet")

"Madder than a hornet in an old Coke can"

"Madder than a sackful of ferrets" (very mad)

"Madder than a wet hen" (very mad)

"Made a lot of mistakes in my life but adding more cheese than what a recipe calls for has never..."

"Made in New York"

"Made in Texas by Texans"

"Made some mac n cheese without having to retrieve the box instructions from the trash..."

Madhattan (mad + Manhattan)

Madison Avenue of Hispanic Advertising (Houston Street in San Antonio)

Madness Square Garden (Madison Square Garden nickname)

Mae West (life preserver jacket)

Mafia Cop

"Mafia: Same thing as government, without all the pretense"

Mafrika Festival (Music of Africa)

MAGA (Microsoft, Apple, Google and Amazon)

Magic City (Omaha, Nebraska nickname)

Magic Number

Magic Valley (Lower Rio Grande Valley nickname)

Magnet School

Magnolia City (Houston nickname)

MAGS (Microsoft, Amazon, Google and Salesforce)

MaHi (Marble Hill)

Mahjong (Mah Jongg)

"Maid in the living room, cook in the kitchen, whore in the bedroom" (Jerry Hall)

Mail-Order Cowboy

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them for Christmas"

Main Drag of Many Tears (125th or 126th Street)

Main Sewer Media or Mainsewer Media (MSM)

Main Stem (Broadway)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Main Stem Femme (a Broadway girl)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Stemmer (Mainstemmer)

Main Street Across America (Lincoln Highway)

Main Street Media (MSM)

Maine: "As Maine goes, so goes the nation"

Maine: "Does anyone else forget the abbreviation for Maine or is it just ME?"

Maine: Fox (nickname)

Maine: Lumber State (nickname)

Maine: Pine Tree State (nickname)

"Mainhattan" (Frankfurt am Main, Germany)

Mainly Socialist Media (Main Stream Media or MSM nickname)

Mainsewer Media or Main Sewer Media (MSM)

"Mainstream media is the virus"

Mainstream Media (MSM)

"Maintenance doesn't cost -- it pays"

Maiter (model + waiter)

Maitre D'ess (female maitre d')

Majoritarian (Majoritarianism)

"Make a federal case (out of it)"

"Make a living, not a killing"

"Make a mark, not a scar"

"Make Affordable Gas Again" (MAGA)

"Make Affordable Groceries Again" (MAGA)

"Make All Groceries Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make America like Texas" (MALT)

"Make American Gas Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make American Groceries Affordable" (MAGA)

Make Americans Think Harder ("math" backronym)

"Make America's Gas Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make America's Groceries Affordable" (MAGA)

"Make an effort, not an excuse"

"Make any continental breakfast into an incontinental breakfast by pissing in everyone's Cheerios"

"Make Austin Normal"

Make-Believe Media (MBM)

"Make breakfast tacos, not war"

"Make government officials afraid again"

"Make Groceries Affordable Again" (MGAA)

"Make it a Blockbuster night" (Blockbuster)

"Make Life Delicious!" (Shipley Do-Nuts)

"Make like a banana and split"

"Make Margaret Atwood fiction again"

"Make me one with everything" (Zen master-ordering-a-hot dog joke)

"Make Media Honest Again" (MMHA)

Make-or-Miss League (NBA basketball)

"Make Orwell fiction again"

"Make our guns illegal and we'll just call them undocumented"

"Make Politicians Afraid Again" (MPAA)

"Make some coffee and own the day"

"Make sure you are happy in real life, not just on social media"

"Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep a safe distance from doubt. And isolate from unbelief"

"Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep distance from doubt, and isolate from fear"

"Make sure you test positive for faith. Stay 6ft away from doubt, and isolate from unbelief"

"Make sure your kilt is short enough to do a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms"

"Make sure you're happy in real life, not just for the internet"

"Make sure you're happy in real life, not just for social media"

"Make tax collectors birds again" (tar-and-feather)

"Make Tax Day the day before Election Day"

"Make the little things count. Teach midgets math"

"Make today so awesome yesterday gets jealous"

"Make vaccine manufacturers liable again" (MVMLA)

"Make vanilla pudding. Put in mayo jar. Eat in public" (prank)

"Make you the world a bit better or more beautiful because you have lived in it"

"Make your cheese and wine party more appealing by having no cheese or guests"

"Make your cheese and wine party more fun by having no cheese or guests"

"Make your exercise resolution on the Chinese new year to avoid crowded gyms"

"Make your mark in New York, and you are a made man"

"Make your parents proud, your enemies jealous, and yourself happy"

"Make your passion your paycheck"

"Make your stomach a garden, not a graveyard"

"Make your tongue slap your brain" (good cooking)

"Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen"

"Make yourself at home -- clean my kitchen"

Makers and Takers

"Makeup is allowed in beauty pageants, yet steroids aren't allowed in sports"

"Makin' Whoopee" (1928)

"Making a mask mandatory after 2 months of pandemic is like wearing a condom after she’s pregnant"

"Making everyone happy is impossible. Pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake"

"Making fun of a fat person at a gym is like making fun of a sick person at a hospital"

"Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair"

"Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair"

"Making good people helpless won't make bad people harmless"

"Making mistakes does not mean you're a failure. It just means you're trying and learning in life"

"Making mistakes is human, but when you make mistakes in a Captcha, you aren't human"

"Making partner is like a pie-eating contest where the prize is more pie"

Malazy (malaise + lazy)

"Male bees die after mating. Their life is basically Honey, Nut, Cheerio"

"Male libertarians when they find out they have a prostate" (joke)

"Malfunction at the junction" (SWC football announcer Kern Tips)

Malfunction Junction (College Station)

"Mall kiosk workers are the human equivalent of pop-up ads"

"Mallomars are just cold s'mores"

"Mallomars are just inside out s'mores"

"Mallomars are just winter s'mores"

"Mallomars are only sold in New York and New Jersey and nobody else knows what they are"

"Mallomars are the unofficial official food of the Jewish New Year"

"Mallomars are Tunnock's Tea Cakes without the fancy wrappers"

Mallsoleum (mall + mausoleum)

Malnegligence (malice + negligence)

MALT (Make America Like Texas)

"Maltesers are a poor man's Minstrels"

"Maltesers are a poor man's Revels"

Mambo Sauce

Mambo Taxi (cocktail)

Mamie Taylor (cocktail)

Man Aisle (store aisle of products men shop for)

"Man bites dog"

"Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter"

"Man charged with stealing hay denied bale"

"Man does not live by coffee alone. Have a danish"

"Man does not live by words alone -- despite sometimes eating them"

"Man goes in a pub..." (bar joke)

"Man goes into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head" (joke)

"Man is the only animal that can he skinned more than once"

"Man matures when he stops believing that politics solves his problems"

"Man was designed for accomplishment, engineered for success & endowed with the seeds of greatness"

"Man who invented the hamburger was smart; man who invented the cheeseburger was a genius"

"Man with one chopstick go hungry"

"Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done"

"Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things"

Management of Perception Economics (MOPE)

Mancession (man + recession)

"Mandate freedom"

"Mandate vegetables"

Manfluence (man + influence); Manfluencer (man + influencer)

Manhatin' (feminist cocktail)

Manhatitlán (Manhattan + Tenochtitlan)

"Manhattan" (1925) (not "I'll Take Manhattan")

Manhattan Clam Chowder (Coney Island Clam Chowder; Fulton Market Clam Chowder)

Manhattan Cocktail

Manhattan College (in the Bronx)

Manhattan Cooler (cocktail)

Manhattan Distance

Manhattan Drop (wrestling)

Manhattan of the Middle East (Abu Dhabi, Dubai and Tel Aviv nickname)

"Manhattan of the South" (Brickell in Miami, Florida)

"Manhattan on the Maas" (Rotterdam, the Netherlands)

"Manhattan on the Potomac" (Rosslyn, Arlington VA)

Manhattan Project

Manhattan Rubber (bowling ball)

Manhattan Sandwich (similar to Denver Sandwich/Western Sandwich)

Manhattan Schist

Manhattan Silver/White (drugs)

Manhattan Skyline (Tombstoning)

Manhattan Solstice (Manhattanhenge or Sensational Sunset)

Manhattan Special Espresso Coffee Soda (from Brooklyn)

"Manhattan--The Heart of the Big Apple"

Manhattan Transfer

Manhattan Truffle (Tartufo)

Manhattan Wiring (electronics)


Manhattanistan (Manhattan + -istan)

Manhattanite (inhabitant of Manhattan)


Manhattan's Other Island (Roosevelt Island)

ManhattAnt (Manhattan + ant)


"Manicotti are just Italian enchiladas"

"Manicotti implies the existence of pedicotti"

Manitos ("little brothers" or Spanish-speaking New Mexicans)

Mannouncer (man + announcer); Mannouncing

"Manny Hanny" (Manufacturers Hanover Trust)

MaNo (Manhattan North)

Manske Rolls


Manufactroversy (manufactured controversy)

Manufacturers Hangover (Manufacturers Hanover nickname)

"Many are cold, but few are frozen"

"Many failures did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up"

"Many fine things can be done in a day if you don’t always make that day tomorrow"

"Many great things can be done in a day if you don't always make that day tomorrow"

"Many have eaten here -- few have died"

"Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem" (homeschool)

"Many people ask me why I drink so much whiskey. It’s actually because I have a genetic condition.

"Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits"

"Many people spend money they haven't earned...to impress people they don't like"

Many Trains Absent (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year's resolutions, and I've stuck with it"

Manzana Principal (suggested in 1966)

"Maple syrup is just boiled tree blood"

"Maple syrup is thicker than blood" (joke)

"Maple syrup is tree blood"

Mapo Tofu (Ma Po Tofu)

Maprilay (May + April)

Maque Chou (Maque Choux; Maquechou; Maquechoux)

Marble Cake

Marble Ceiling

Marble Row (Fifth Avenue, between 57th and 58th Streets)

"March 17 is over, please resume your normal nationality. See you all on May 5"

March Madness (NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship)

"Marching Band: Making socially awkward kids feel accepted since July"

"Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really"

"Marching Bands of Manhattan" (2005)

Mardi Gras City (New Orleans nickname)

Marfa Lights

Marfa (summary)

Marfaite (inhabitant of Marfa)

Marfan (inhabitant of Marfa)

Margarita Cheesecake

Margarita Chicken (Chicken Margarita)

Margarita (cocktail)

Margarita Monday

Margarita Pie

"Margaritas are just adult slurpees"

"Margaritas because it's Mexico somewhere"

Margin Stanley (Morgan Stanley nickname)

Marguery Sauce (Filet of Sole Marguery)

"Marijuana and coffee is my favorite combination. It's the reason ice mocha lot of weed"

"Marijuana is a gateway drug...to what? My refrigerator?"

"Marijuana is legal. Haircuts are not. It took fifty years, but the hippies have finally won"

Marinara Sauce

"Marinara sauce is just Italian salsa"

"Marine: My job is to protect your ass, not kiss it"

Mark Green and Audrey Munson ("Civic Fame")

Mark-to-Fiction Accounting (imaginary mark-to-market accounting)

Mark-to-Unicorn Accounting (imaginary mark-to-market accounting)

Mark Twain (nautical term and name)

Marketplace for the World (Javits Convention Center)

"Bull markets climb a wall of worry" (Wall Street proverb)

"Markets don't crash from all-time highs"

"Markets make managers"

"Markets make opinions"

Marmageddon (Marmite + Armageddon)

Marranitos or Cochinitos or Puerquitos (little gingerbread pigs)

"Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn't have to end at work"

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

"Marriage is a workshop...where the husband works and the wife shops"

"Marriage is about love and divorce is about money"

"Marriage is like a deck of cards" (joke)

"Marriage is when a man loses his Bachelor's degree and a woman gets her Master's degree"

"Marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle"

"Marriage: When 8 hours having someone point out your flaws at work just isn't enough"

Marriage Without Formalities (Common Law Marriage)

"Married men told their wives, 'I'll do that when I have the time'" (quarantine joke)

"Marry a girl from Texas -- no matter how tough things get, she's tougher"

"Merry crisis and a happy new fear"

"Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won't eat all of yours"

Marshallite (inhabitant of Marshall)

"Marshmallows don’t dissolve. They use hot cocoa as a way to teleport to their homeworld"

Martha or Martha Washington Bridge (lower level of George Washington Bridge)

"Martial arts implies the existence of martial crafts"

Martini Shot (final film shot of day)

"Martinis are like women's breasts. One isn't enough and three are too many"

"Marx failed to consider that workplace pizza parties can be kinda fun"

Marxette (female Marxist)

Marxocrat (Marxist + Democrat); Marxocratic

"Mary and Abby!"/"Mary and Abby who?"/"Mary Christmas and a Abby New Year!"

Mary Ann Pan (Mary Ann Cake Pan)

"Mary has 2 glasses of wine. She drinks 1 and buys 2 more. What does Mary have now? Happiness"

"Mary, I'm having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this again"

Mary Pickford (cocktail)

Maryland: Clam Thumper or Craw Thumper (nickname)

Maryland: Old Line State (nickname)

"Mashed potatoes are just Irish guacamole"

"Mashed potatoes are the potato version of applesauce"

"Mashed potatoes beg the question: 'what else could we massively improve by squashing it?'"

Mask Debate

Mask Debater

"Mask it or casket" (face mask slogan)

Mask Mouth

Mask Trap (police trap for enforcing face mask use)

Maskhole (face mask + asshole)


Maskne (face mask + acne)

"Masks are the new bra..."

Masktard (face mask + retard)

Mason (Fruit) Jar

Massachusetts: Bay State (nickname)

Massachusetts: Taxachusetts (nickname)

Massapequa: Massapizza (nickname)

Massapequa: Matzah-Pizza or Matzoh-Pizza or Matzo-Pizza (nickname)

Massive Bank Account ("MBA" backronym)

Massive Bank Account ("MBA" backronym)

Master Bullshit Artist ("MBA" backronym)

Master of the Universe

Masturbator of the Universe (banker nickname)

Matchstick Potatoes (Matchstick Fries)

"Math is a drama queen. It can't seriously have that many problems"

"Math is like love -- a simple idea, but it can get complicated"

"Math is the source code of the universe. Physics is the anti-cheat of the universe"

"Math puns are the first sine of madness"

"Math tells us of the three saddest love stories..."

"Math -- the only subject that counts"

"Math trumps politics"

"Mathematics is 90% common sense, the other half is intelligence"

"Mathematics is like love -- a simple idea, but it can get complicated"

"Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent imagination"

"Mathematics is the cheapest science"

"Mathematics is the second-cheapest department at any college"

"Mathematics is the source code of the universe"

Maturialism (mature + materialism)

Matzah Ball Soup (Matza Ball Soup; Matzoh Ball Soup; Matzo Ball Soup)

Matzah-Pizza or Matzoh-Pizza or Matzo-Pizza (Massapequa nickname)

Mausoleum (Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum nickname)

Maven or Mavin


Maxxinista (T.J. Maxx + fashionista)

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions"

"May and December can never agree" (May and December marriage proverb)

May-December Romance (May and December Romance)

"May everything I post confuse you until you learn to mind your business"

"May everything I post confuse you until you learn to mind your mf business"

"May everything you want this weekend be within reach of the couch"

"May everything you want this weekend be within the reach of your couch"

"May I have a large container of coffee right now?" (Pi mnemonic for 3.141592653)

"May is like the Friday night of summer"

"May is like the Thursday of summer"

"May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home..." (Irish blessing)

"May none of your real feelings slip out at Thanksgiving dinner"

"May our home know joy, each room hold laughter"

May Take Awhile (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"May the Fourth be with you" (Star Wars Day, May 4th)

"May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you..." (Irish blessing)

"May the luck of the Irish lead to happiest heights..." (Irish blessing)

"May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back..." (Irish blessing)

"May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends beneath it never fall out"

"May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch"

"May today be the Fridayest Friday that ever Fridayed"

"May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience..." (Irish toast)

"May you be blessed with the spirit of the season, which is peace..."

"May you have the gladness of Christmas, which is hope..."

"May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live"

"May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas Eve"

"May you never be too old to search the skies on Christmas Eve"

"May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go"

"May your burdens be light and your coffee be strong"

"May your coffee be hot and your eyeliner be even"

"May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short"

"May your coffee be strong and your lashes be long"

"May your coffee be strong and your students be calm"

"May your coffee be strong and your students be calm" (teacher saying)

"May your coffee be strong and your Sunday be long"

"May your coffee be strong, your lashes be long, and your Monday be short"

"May your coffee be stronger than your toddler"

"May your coffee kick in before reality does"

"May your coffee, pelvic floor, intuition and self-appreciation be strong"

"May your college memories last as long as your student loan payments"

"May your college memories last longer than your student loan payments"

"May your devastating winter blues give way to your debilitating spring allergies"

"May your heart be light and happy, may your smile be big and wide, and may your pockets always..."

"May your house always be too small to hold all your friends"

"May your kilt be short enough to dance a jig, but long enough to hide your lucky charms"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Instagram"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on social media"

"May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Twitter"

"May your Monday be asshole, fucktard, douchebag, asshat, twatface & motherfucker free!"

"May your Monday be asshole, fucktard, douchebag, moron, twatface and motherfucker free!"

"May your morning coffee give you the strength to make it to your mid-morning coffee"

"May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light" (Irish blessing)

"May your soul be in heaven before the devil knows you're dead" (toast)

"May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!"

"May your troubles be less and your blessings be more" (toast)

"May your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions"

"May your turkey be moist and may no one use that word to describe it"

"May your weekend be full of adventure and cheer; may the start of next week be long ways from here"

"Maybe broccoli doesn't like you either"

"Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called 'beautiful' chocolate, just one time"

"Maybe I should've said DiMaggio?" (talking dog joke)

"Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won't be able to see us"

"Maybe if we email the Constitution to each other, the NSA would finally read it?"

"Maybe if we'd made the 'Most Wanted' feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now"

"Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it"

"Maybe Monday doesn’t like you, either"

"Maybe plants are farming us, giving us oxygen until we decompose and they can eat us"

"Maybe plants are farming us, supplying us with oxygen until we all die, then decompose"

"Maybe serial killers are just regular people on a no carb diet"

"Maybe serial killers are just regular people on the keto diet"

"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's the caffeine"

"Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s quarantine"

"Maybe she’s losing it. Maybe it’s quarantine"

"Maybe the world would be a better place if we just wrapped it up in bacon"

"Maybe they call it 'take-home pay' because there is no other place you can afford to go with it"

"Maybe they should call it the Squirrel Flu because everyone is nuts and hoarding everything"

"Maybe vampires are only evil because they’re incapable of self reflection"

"Mayo is just egg jam"

"Mayo is just food glue"

"Mayo is just sandwich lube"

Mayo (mayonnaise)

Mayonegg (mayonnaise + egg)

"Mayonnaise is bread lotion"

"Mayonnaise is just egg jam"

"Mayonnaise is just food glue"

"Mayonnaise is sandwich lube"

Mayor Pothole or Senator Pothole (responsive to constituent needs)

Mayor's Cup Handball Tournament

"Mayor's Eye" & "Get the worms out of the Big Apple" (Dept. of Investigation)

Mayor's Trophy

Mazda Lane (Broadway)

Mazuma (money slang)

McAllenite (inhabitant of McAllen)

McDiving (McDonald's + diving)

McDo (McDonald's nickname)

"McDonald’s apple pies are just sweet Hot Pockets"

"McDonald’s is making a deep fried pickle covered in batter. They are calling it Mc Dill Dough"

McEverything (all McDonald's sandwiches)

McGurk's Suicide Hall (the Bowery)

McHattan (McDonald's + Manhattan)

McKinneyite (inhabitant of McKinney)

McNasty's (McDonald's nickname)

McSteak (McDonald's + steak)

McStrike (labor strike of fast food workers)

"Me and my buddies at the gun club often go to the cheese shop, just to shoot the bries"

"Me and my friends are in a band called 'Duvet.' We're a cover band"

"Me and my limbo team go way back"

"Me at home: Why isn't there more kindness in the world?/Me while driving: I hate everyone"

"Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink..."

"Me bringing a jar of Vaseline to the cash register when mom sends me to buy a cucumber..."

"Me driving at night: I hope this is the road"

"Me eating: / My white shirt: Let me taste it."

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

"Me flirting: If you were a cheeto, you'd be a hot cheeto"

"Me: How do I unsubscribe so I don't get your emails any more? Boss: What?"

"Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus"

"Me: I want to travel. Bank account: Where? To work?"

"Me: I'm sad. I need a purpose My brain: Did you say a purchase?"

"Me: It's not about how many times you fall... Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work."

"Me looking outside to see what chapter of Revelation we're doing today"

"Me? Mature??! Ha! I still laugh when the ketchup bottle 'farts'!"

"Me: Sorry I’m late. I broke down on the way to work. Boss: Is your car working fine now?"

"Me: This meeting could’ve been an email. Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit."

"Me: This show is boring. Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference."

"Me: What's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first."


Meal Ticket

"Mean tweets imply the existence of median tweets and mode tweets"

"Mean without caffeine"

"Meanwhile, back at the ranch"

Meat and Three (Meat and Two)

Meat Cloud

"Meat consumed as comfort food is also an emotional support animal"

Meat Goat Capital of America (Mills County nickname)

"Meat is murder. Milk is misery"

"Meat is murder -- tasty, tasty murder"

"Meat so tender, you can leave your teeth at home" (Pit Stop BBQ, Waxahachie)



Meatball Sandwich (Meatball Hero; Meatball Sub; Meatball Grinder; Meatball Hoagie)

"Meatballs are bite-sized meatloaf"

"Meatballs are just the cupcake versions of meatloaf"

Meatery (meat eatery)

Meatkini (meat + bikini)

Meatless Monday

"Meatloaf is a meatball cake"

"Meatloaf is a rectangular meatball"

Meatloaf (Meat Loaf)

Meaty Urologist ("meteorologist" pun)

Mecca (Madison Square Garden nickname)

Mecca of Telephone Men

Mecca on the Hudson

"Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers build targets"

Media Doesn't Matter (Media Matters nickname)

"'Media' is the plural of 'mediocre'"

"Media is the real virus"

Media Mutters (Media Matters nickname)

"Media: Scientist claims 'Findings are meaningless'" (joke)

Mediacracy (media + -cracy); Mediaocracy (media + -ocracy)

Mediacrat (media + -crat)

Medicaid Mill (or Medicare Mill)

"Medical diagnosis is rarely black and white unless it's a chess infection"

"Medical error is one of the leading causes of death. You better be doing your own research"

Medical Industrial Complex

Medicated Majority

"Medicine is not health care. Food is health care. Medicine is sick care"

"Medicine is not healthcare. Food is healthcare. Medicine is sickcare"

Medicrat (medical + bureaucrat)

Mediocre But Aggressive ("MBA" backronym)

Mediocre But Arrogant ("MBA" backronym)

Mediot (media + idiot)

Mediscare (Medicare + scare)

"Meditation, because some questions can't be answered by Google"

Mee Krob or Mi Krop (Thai noodle dish)

Meekly Standard (Weekly Standard nickname)

"Meet a new Monday and remember that happiness is a choice"

"Meet cute" (romantic comedy rule)

"Meet Me at Clark Street" (St. George Hotel)

Meet Me at/under...


Megatall (a skyscraper over 600 meters or 1,968 feet tall)

MeinSpace (Parler nickname)

Melancauliflower or Melancholiflower (melancholy + cauliflower); Meloncauliflower, Meloncholiflower

Melba Toast (Toast Melba)

Mello Roll or Mell-O-Roll ("Up your hole with a Mello Roll!")

"Mello Yello is a poor man's Mountain Dew. It can't even afford the W's"

"Mello Yello is a poor man's Mountain Dew"

Melody Lane (West 28th Street)

Melody Lane (West 28th Street, also called "Tin Pan Alley")

"Melon + Broccoli = Meloncholy (The saddest vegetable in existence)"

Melt (Tuna Melt; Patty Melt; Fatty Melt)

Melt Up (Meltup)


"Melted cheese is just food glue"

Melting Pot; Mixing Bowl; Mosaic

Melville: Hellville (nickname)

"Meme them until they cry. Then make memes about them crying. -- Sun Tzu"

Memela (appetizer)

"Memes are just inside jokes that the whole internet is a part of"

"Memes do a better job at reporting current events than the main stream media"

"Memes do a better job at reporting current events than the news does"

"Memorial Day -- honor their deaths by questioning anyone calling for more of them"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill in New York"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I am from"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I live"

"Memorizing pothole locations is a survival skill where I’m from"

Memory Vitamin (Choline nickname)

"Men are like bank accounts -- without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest"

"Men are like chocolate bars -- sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips"

"Men are like coffee -- the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long"

"Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere"

"Men are like floor tiles" (joke)

"Men are like wine — age sours the bad and betters the good"

"Men are like wine; some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age"

"Men at 20 play football, at 30 play tennis, at 40 play golf..." (joke)

"Men build houses; women build homes"

"Men go shopping to buy what they need. Women go shopping to find out what they want"

"Men have feelings, too. For example, we feel hungry"

"Men have feelings, too. Sometimes we feel thirsty"

"Men have only two emotions -- hungry and horny"

"Men like football because the priorities are Scoring and Ball Security"

"Men make counterfeit money; in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men"

"Men: No Shirt, No Service -- Women: No Shirt, No Charge" (restaurant sign)

"Men of quality do not fear equality"

"Men of quality don't fear equality"

"Men who cook will do that thing you like..."

"Men who say women belong in the kitchen obviously don't know what to do with them in the bedroom"

Mental Abuse To Humans ("math" backronym)

Mental Attack To Healthy Students ("maths" backronym)

Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Students ("maths" backronym)


Menurkey (menorah + turkey)


MePa (Meat Packing District)

Mercedes Marxist

"Mercury, closest planet to the sun, -173 degrees Celsius at night. First world problems"

"Merde!" (theatrical saying, meaning "good luck")

Merger Monday

'Merikkka (America + KKK)

"Merlot, is it me you're looking for?"

Mermaid Parade

Meroir (sea version of terroir)

"Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from your doorman -- second notice"

"Merry everything and a happy always"

"Merry Tex-mas, Y'all!"

Mess Box

Mess Wagon

Messed-up Monday

MessNBC or MesSNBC (MSNBC nickname)

MessNBC or MesSNBC (MSNBC nickname)

"Met Gala is just Burning Man for rich(er) people"

"Met Gala is the ugly sweater contest for the upper class"

Meteoronomics (meteorology + economics)

Meteoronomist or Weatherconomist (meteorologist/weatherman + economist)


Metroplex (Dallas/Fort Worth nickname)

"Metropolis is New York by day; Gotham City is New York by night"

Metropolis (New Metropolis)

Metropolis of America

Metropolis of the South (New Orleans nickname)

MetroStars/Red Bulls (professional soccer team)


Mets (National League baseball team)

Mex-Mex and New Mex-Mex

Mexi-Skins (potato skins)

Mexiaite (inhabitant of Mexia)

Mexicali (Mexicalli)

Mexican Banana Split

Mexican Brownie

"Mexican by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

Mexican Caviar (ant larvae or escamoles)

Mexican Caviar (huitlacoche or corn smut)

Mexican Chocolate or Mexican Hot Chocolate (and "molinillo" or "little mill")

Mexican Combination Plate

Mexican Cranberries (cranberries + jalapeños)

Mexican Day Parade

Mexican Eggs Benedict

Mexican Food Shit (Mexican Shits; Taco Shits; Screamers)

Mexican Pizza

"Mexican pizza is just a flat taco"

Mexican Po'boy Sandwich or Mexican Poor Boy Sandwich (Torta)

Mexican Polka (Conjunto)

Mexican Potato (jicama nickname)

Mexican Rice

Mexican Roadblock (Mexican Road Block)

Mexican Standoff

Mexican Straw Hat (similar to Frito pie)

Mexican Truffle or Mexican Corn Truffle (huitlacoche or corn smut)

Mexican Turnip (jicama nickname)


Mexicatessen (Mexican + Delicatessen)

Mexicoke (Mexican Coke)

Mexonesian (Mexican + Polynesian)

Mexploitation (Mexican + exploitation)

MFFL (Mavericks Fan For Life)

MFM (MSM nickname)

MGM (Merrill Lynch + Goldman Sachs + Morgan Stanley)

"Mi casa es su casa but mi taco es mi taco"

"Mi casa es su casa pero mi taco es mi taco"

"Mi mosa es su mosa"

"Mi taco es mi taco"

"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die" (Lenny Bruce)

"Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free..."

Michelada ("my cold beer")

Michigan: Michigander (nickname)

MICIMATT (Military-Industrial-Congressional-Intelligence-Media-Academia-Think-Tank complex)

Mickey D's (McDonald's nickname)

Micro Apartment






"Microwave clocks are the best indicator that the power went out recently"

"Microwave clocks are the best indicator that the power went out recently"

Microwave Legislation

"Microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes"

"Microwave: (noun) A hand gesture used by a midget to say hello"

"Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work"

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle"

"Middle Age: When your age starts to show around the middle"

Midlander (inhabitant of Midland)

Midnight Regulation

Midtown International Theatre Festival

Migas (crumbs)

"Might have to start doing some of that shady Klondike Bar shit for a gallon of gas soon"

"Might join the cicadas this summer & scream constantly"

"Might sleep on the couch to cut down on my morning commute"

Might Take Awhile (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

Mike and Ike (salt and pepper shakers; jelly candy)

"Mike's Hard Lemonade is just Capri Sun for adults"

"Mike’s Hard Lemonade is just Kool-Aid for adults"


Mildew Plaza (Milford Plaza nickname)

"MILF Man I Love Food"

MILF (Man, I Love Friday)

MILF (Man, I Love Fridays)

"MILF Man I Love Fried chicken"

"MILF Man I Love Fried rice"

"MILF Man I Love Frybread"

Milhous (middle name to imply "Nixonian")

"Military chaplains bring God to soldiers and soldiers to God"

"Military chefs are literally serving their country"

Military City, USA (San Antonio nickname)

Military-Industrial Complex

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music"

Milk Carton Politician

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Maltesers"

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Riesen"

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Rolos"

"Milk Duds are a poor man's Whoppers"

"Milk in soda is gross, but ice cream in soda is good"

"Milk is good, but it could be butter"

"Milk is misery and then murder"

"Milk loves cookies"

Milk Shake (Milkshake)

Milk Toast (Milquetoast)


"Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place"

Millinery District

"Million-dollar arm, ten-cent head"

"Million-dollar ideas are a dime a dozen"

Million Dollar Movie

Million Dollar Rain

"Million Dollar Video Game Idea: A game that teaches gamers how to say words to women"

Millionaire Pie (Furr's cafeterias)

Millionaire's Building or Power Building/Tower of Power (740 Park Avenue)

Millionaires' Row (Fifth Avenue)

Millrose Games & Wanamaker Mile

Milquetoast (after Caspar Milquetoast)

MiMA (Middle of Manhattan)

"Mimosa es su mosa"

"Mimosas are dangerous as f*ck. One minute you're eating breakfast..."

"Mimosas are dangerous because they taste like juice and then you're blacked out"

"Mimosas are scary because they taste like juice and then you can’t walk"

"Mind over chatter"

"Mind your business" (business proverb)

"Mind your own beeswax" (beeswax = business)

"Mind your own tits" (breastfeeding saying)

"Minds are like parachutes -- they only function when open"

"Mineral water is just spicy water"


Mini-Apple or Minneapple (Minneapolis, Minnesota)

Mini-Madoff (Mini-Me + Bernard Madoff)

Mini-camp (Minicamp)


Mink Brigade

Minnesota Strip (Eighth Avenue, near Port Authority Bus Terminal)

Minnesota: Bread and Butter State (nickname)

Minnesota: Land of 10,000 Lakes (nickname)

Minnesota: "Land of the ski and home of the crazed"

Minnesota: "Land of Two Seasons: Winter Is Coming and Winter Is Here"

Minnesota: Minny (abbreviation)

Minnesota: New England of the West (nickname)

Minnesota: North Star State (nickname)

Minnesota: "Where the elite meet the sleet"

"Minor surgery is surgery that happens to someone else"

Minsky Moment (Minsky Crisis)

"Mint is just reverse spicy"

MINT (Mexico + Indonesia + Nigeria + Turkey)

Mint Ratio

"Minty is just cold spicy"

"Minty is just reverse spicy"

Minute Steak

"Minutes From Bloomingdale's" (Roosevelt Island, Astoria, Long Island City)

Miracle at the New Meadowlands (2010 Giants collapse)

Miracle on Madison Avenue

"Miracle on the Hudson" (US Airways Flight 1549)

"Mirinda is a poor man's Fanta"

"Mirror mirror on the wall, I’ll always get up after I fall"

Mirrortocracy (mirror + meritocracy)

Mischief Night (October 30th)

Miscvegeneation or Misvegenation (miscegenation + vegetation/vegetable)

"Miser -- A person who lets the world go buy"

Misogymnast/Misogymnist or Mysogymnast/Mysogymnist (misogynist + gymnast)

Miss Brooklyn (proposed Brooklyn skyscraper)

Miss Canada

Miss Liberty & Queen of Lost New York (Hettie Anderson, model)

"Miss one day of practice, I notice; miss two, the critics notice; miss three, the audience notices"

Miss Subways

Mission City (San Antonio nickname)

Missionite (inhabitant of Mission)

Mississippi Mud Cake (Mississippi Mud Pie)

Mississippi: Tadpole (nickname)

Mississippi: "What do you call a hippie’s wife?"/"Mississippi."

"Mississippi: "What has four eyes and cannot see?"/"Mississippi."

Missouri: "How did Flori die?"/"She died in Missouri."

Mistake on the Lake

"Mistakes are a great educator when one is honest enough to admit them"

"Mistakes are proof that you are trying"

"Mistakes happen. Don't dwell on them. Just blame somebody else and move on"

"Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others"

"Mistakes just mean you're trying"

Mistakesman (Austin American-Statesman nickname)

Mitzvah Mobile (Mitzvah Tank)

Mixed Bathing (Mixed Swimming)

"Mixed emotions -- when your mother-in-law drives your new car off a cliff"

Mixed Fries (french fries + sweet potato fries)

Mixed Grill

"Mixed martial arts implies the existence of mixed martial crafts"

"Mixing and matching gummy bear brands? That's polygummy"

"Mixing cannabis with cod liver oil is bad for your joints"



"Mm" or "Mmm" or "Mmmm" ("Mm! Mm! Good!" & "MMMM...TOASTY")

"M&M's are a poor man's Smarties"

MOASS (Mother Of All Short Squeezes)

Mobilehoma (Oklahoma nickname)

Mobzdale or Mobsdale (Rosedale, Queens)

MoCA (Museum of Chinese in the Americas) & MoCCA (Museum of Comic and Cartoon Art)

Mockamole (mock guacamole)

Mockingbird Media

Mocktail (non-alcoholic cocktail)

Moctezuma's Revenge or Montezuma's Revenge (traveler's diarrhea)

"'Moderate Republican' -- that's kind of like having a gun rack on a Volvo"

"Modern baseball implies the existence of ancient cringeball"

"Modern Education: Creating people who are smart enough to accurately repeat what they're told"

Modern Gomorrah

"Modern man is frantically trying to earn enough to buy things he's too busy to enjoy"

"Modern slaves are not in chains. They are in debt"

"Modern slaves are not in chains. They are in debts"

Moderna Mambo


Moink Ball (bacon-wrapped meatball)

"Moist people aren't offended by the occasional typo"

Mojito Monday

"Molasses -- what do they do with the rest of the mole?"



Molotes (Oaxacan "cigars")

Molten Chocolate Cake

Mom In Love with Fitness (MILF)

Mom 'n 'em (Mom an' 'em)

"MOM stands for Mother, not Made Of Money"

"Mom used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it" (joke)

"Mom, when I grow up, I'd like to be a musician" (joke)

MoMA (Museum of Modern Art)

MoMath (Museum of Mathematics)

Mombo Sauce

Mom Wine (Mommy Wine)

"Moments of silence are part of the music"

"Momentum is only as good as the next day's starter" (baseball adage)

"Mommy and daddy's little tax deduction" (a young child)

"Mommy, can i lick the bowl?" (joke)

Mommy's Sippy Cup (a wine glass)

"Moms are like buttons. They hold everything together"

"Monday after Super Bowl should be a national holiday"

"Monday! I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee!"

"Monday is a state of mind. Put on your positive pants and get stuff done!"

"Monday is a state of mind. Put your positive pants on and get stuff done!"

"Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life"

"Monday is for people with a mission"

"Monday is just Taco Tuesday Eve"

"Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems"

"Monday is one of my favorite days of the week -- my 7th favorite"

"Monday is the perfect day to correct last week’s mistakes"

"Monday, Joe got drunk on gin and soda water...Soda water causes drunkenness" (joke)

"Monday. Let's go and grab it by the coffee beans"

Monday Morning Quarterback

"Monday must be a man. It comes too quickly"

"Monday: Nothing a glass of wine can't fix"

"Monday plan: Drink coffee, Be awesome, Ignore negativity"

"Monday should be optional"

"Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday blink Monday"

"Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday blink Monday"

"Monday. You. Bastard."

"Monday? You mean Taco Tuesday Eve!"

"Mondays are fine. It's your life that sucks"

"Mondays are for fresh starts"

"Mondays are for people with a mission"

"Mondays are my favorite day to question all my life decisions"

"Mondays are now 'Taco Tuesday Eve' until further notice"

"Mondays are the potholes in the road of life"

"Mondays aren't so bad. It's your job that sucks"

"Mondays should be given a restraining order"

"Mondays suck so hard, they should work in porn"

"Mondays: The only day you can wear the exact same outfit as yesterday without anyone knowing"

Monetary Morphine (printing money)

"Money can buy a lot of things, but it doesn’t wiggle its butt every time you come in the door"

"Money can't buy friends, but it can get a better class of enemy"

"Money can't buy happiness"

"You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream"

"Money can't buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a car than on a bicycle"

"Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty"

"Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy anything"

"Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it"

"Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal"

"Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal"

"Money can't buy you happiness, but poverty can buy you misery"

"Money can't buy you happiness, but poverty can't buy you anything"

"Money can't buy you happiness, but poverty will buy you nothing"

Money Doctor (Doctor of Medicine or MD backronym)

"Money doesn't buy happiness, but neither does poverty"

"Money doesn't grow on trees" (financial proverb)

"Money doesn't make happiness. It buys it already made"

"Money doesn't talk, it screams"

"Money doesn't talk, it swears"

Money Down (third down in football)

"Money follows ministry"

"Money for jam" (easy money)

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike"

"Money goes where money is"

"Money? I haven't heard that name in years"

"Money in politics is like squeezing a balloon" (air/water is displaced)

"Money in politics is like water flowing downhill" (unstoppable)

"Money in the bank" (financial saying for a "sure thing")

"Money is a bit tight, so I’m not buying any apples this Halloween. That should save me a bob"

"Money is like an arm or a leg -- use it or lose it"

"Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around"

"Money is not free speech. Corporations are not people"

"Money is something you got to make in case you don't die"

"Money is the mother's milk of politics"

"Money is to New York City as power is to Washington, D.C."

"Money isn't the most important thing. Love is. Fortunately, I love money"

"Money launderers are filthy rich!"

"Money makes the world go round"

Money Making Manhattan (Money Makin' Manhattan)

"Money, Marbles and Chalk" ("Money, Marbles or Chalk")

"Money may not buy friends, but it will help you stay in contact with your children"

Money Muscle (pork butt)

"Money no longer talks -- it now goes without saying"

Money Note

Money Taking Agency (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"Money talks, bullshit walks"

"Money talks, but credit has an echo" ("Money talks, but credit uses sign language")

"Money talks, chocolate sings"

"Money talks, gold screams" ("Money talks, gold shouts")

"Money talks, nobody walks"

"Money talks" (proverb)

"Money talks, wealth whispers"

Money Thrown Away (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

Money Train

"Money trumps politics"

"Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail"

"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study it"

Moneybomb (Money Bomb)

"Money's short, times are hard. Here's your fucking Christmas card"

Moneyvangelist (money + evangelist)

Mongole Soup (Potage Mongole; Purée Mongole; Creme Mongole)

Mongolian Barbecue

Mongolian Beef

"Monkey bars imply the existence of monkey bartenders"

Monkey Bread

Monkey Court (monkey business + kangaroo court)

Monkey Munch (cereal snack)

Monkey Ward (Montgomery Ward nickname)

"Monkeys write" (New York Times anagram)

"Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail"

Monoscuit or Uniscuit (similar to "biscuit" and "Triscuit")

"Monotony is a bored game. Monopoly is a board game"

"Monotony is my favorite bored game"

Monsatan (Monsanto + satan)

Montana: Stub Toe State (nickname)

Montauk: The End (nickname)

Montauk: The Un-Hamptons (nickname)

Monte Cristo (sandwich)

Montezuma's Revenge or Moctezuma's Revenge (traveler's diarrhea)

Montgomery Pie

Month 01 -- January

Month 02 -- February

Month 03 -- March

Month 04 -- April

Month 05 -- May

Month 06 -- June

Month 07 -- July

Month 08 -- August

Month 09 -- September

Month 10 -- October

Month 11 -- November

Month 12 -- December

Monticello: Mighty M (Monticello Raceway nickname)

Monument District

Monumental City (Baltimore nickname)

"MONY MONY" (1968)

Moo Goo Gai Pan (Chinese chicken with mushrooms)

Moola or Moolah (money slang)

Moola Shmoola (Moolah Shmoolah; Moola Schmoola; Moolah Schmoolah)

Moom Picher or Moom Pitcher (motion/moving picture)

"Moon Pies are basically s'mores in different flavors"

"Moon Pies are inside out s'mores"

"Moon Pies are just cold s'mores"

"Moon Pies are just uncooked s’mores"

"Moon River" (1961); "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (1995)


Moonbatmobile (moonbat + automobile)

Moonbats Spouting Nothing But Crap (MSNBC nickname)

Moonbats Spouting Nothing But Crap (MSNBC nickname)

Moonbatty (moonbat + batty)

Moonlight Towers & Moonlight City (Austin nickname)

Moonshine Monday

"Moose on the table" (big or difficult issue)

Moose Tracks (ice cream)

Mooshine (moo + moonshine)

Mop Sauce (Mopping Sauce; Moppin' Sauce)

MOPAC (Missouri-Pacific; Loop 1; More Packed; More Parked; SLOPAC; SLOWPAC)

Morale Vitamin (Thiamine or Thiamin or Vitamin B1 nickname)

"Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what everybody else is doing"

"'More coffee, Hun?' -- Southern waitress serving Attila"

"More companies die of indigestion than starvation"

"More exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't is a wife who can't cook and will"

"More horses' asses than horses"

"More Money For Your Money" (Emigrant Savings Bank)

"More money has been lost reaching for yield than at the point of a gun"

"More people like baseball than football because they don't need a college education to get tickets"

"More powerful than the will to win is the courage to begin"

More Shit or More of the Same (Master of Science or MS backronym)

More Stupid Nonsense Bull Crap (MSNBC nickname)

"More Than Awful (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"More time is spent checking a speedometer in a school zone than actually watching schoolchildren"

"More time is spent checking a speedometer in a school zone than actually watching schoolchildren"

More Trouble Ahead (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

Moresoupial ("more soup" pun on "marsupial")

Morir Soñando ("To die dreaming" Dominican drink)

"Morning forecast: Slightly exhausted with 100% chance of needing coffee"

"Morning has broken; Mr. Coffee has spoken"

Morning Schmo or Morning Schmoe (MSNBC's Morning Joe nickname)

Morning Schmo or Morning Schmoe (MSNBC’s Morning Joe nickname)

"Morning sex. Proven to be more effective than coffee"

"Morning traffic is like waiting in line to go to work"

Morning Zoo (Z-100, radio station WHTZ)

"Mornings are for coffee and contemplation"

Morntelly (New York Morning Telegraph nickname)

Moroccan Cigar (meat/vegetable-filled crispy wrapper)

Moron Stanley (Morgan Stanley nickname)

Moron Virus or Morona Virus (moron + coronavirus)

Morona Virus or Moron Virus (moron + coronavirus)

Moronavirus or Moronvirus (moron + coronavirus)

Moron.org or MorOn.org (MoveOn.org nickname)

Moronvirus or Moronavirus (moron + coronavirus)

Mortgage Mom

Moscow Mule (cocktail)

Moscow-on-the-Brazos (Austin nickname)

Moscow on the Colorado (Austin nickname)

Moscow on the Hudson (Upper West Side)

"Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud"

Moses' Law: Don't eat in park concessions!

Most Air-Conditioned City in the Nation (Houston slogan)

"Most airline food is pretty bad, but their haggis is just plane offal"

"Most Americans think the Federal Reserve is a national park"

"Most bicyclists in New York City obey instinct far more than they obey the traffic laws"

"Most board games have one winner and multiple losers. Jenga has one loser and multiple winners"

"Most Dangerous Place" (between a politician and a camera or microphone)

"Most Dangerous Place" (between Senator Phil Gramm and a camera or microphone)

"Most Effective Devil In America" ("media" backronym)

Most Effective Devil In America ("media" backronym)

Most Exciting Team in Sports (New York Mets nickname)

"Most kids today don't even know who St. Pancake is"

"Most meetings take place in bored rooms"

"Most of my clothes have been to countries that I have not"

"Most of the best-sellers are cookbooks and diet books — how not to eat it after you've cooked it"

"Most orchestras are just 1800s cover bands"

"Most part-time jobs ironically want you to have full-time availability"

"Most pastas are very serious, but there are a fusilli"

"Most people don't care about your problems, and the rest are glad you have them"

"Most people overgeneralize"

"Most people want to serve got, but only in an advisory capacity"

"Most people wearing the Che Guevara shirt would have been killed by Che Guevara"

"Most people wish to serve God, but in an advisory capacity only"

"Most people wish to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity"

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit"

"Most people would be glad to tend their own business if the government would give it back"

"Most problems can be solved with whiskey or nudity. Or BOTH"

"Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before"

Mostly Mozart

Mother-in-Law of the Army (San Antonio nickname)

Mother-in-Law Sandwich (tamale with chili, usually in a hot dog bun)

Mother-in-Law Sandwich (tongue on rye; cold shoulder and lots of tongue)

Mother In Love with Fitness (MILF)

Mother Merrill (Merrill Lynch nickname)

"Mother Nature apologizes for the late arrival of Spring..."

"Mother Nature just be throwing out temperatures like Powerball numbers"

"Mother Nature not only pre-sliced but also pre-wrapped oranges"

Mother Of All Short Squeezes (MOASS)

Mother of Texas (Jane Long)

"Mother: What did you learn in school today? Son: Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

Motherfuckers Touching my Ass (Metropolitan Transportation Authority or MTA nickname)

"Motherhood: powered by love, fueled by coffee, sustained by wine"

Motherless Greens (greens without meat)

"Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee"

"Motorboat, motorboat go so slow..." (children's rhyme)

"Motorcyclists wearing face masks but no helmet is the ultimate irony"

Mount Bonnell (place name)

Mount Vernon: Money Earnin' Mount Vernon (nickname)

"Mountain lion in Texas" (joke)

Mountain Oyster (or Prairie Oyster)


"Move along! Nothing to see here!"

"Move fast and break things"

Move It Monday

"Move it or lose it" (exercise adage)

"Move over, coffee. Today is a job for champagne"

"Move Tax Day to the day before Election Day"

Movement Conservativism (Movement Conservative)

Mover and Shaker

"Movies are the one time you don’t want front row seats"

"Movies make you famous, television makes you rich and theater makes you good"

"Movies make you rich. television makes you famous, but theatre is what it's all about"

"Movies will make you famous, television will make you rich, but theatre will make you good"

"Movies would be better if they shot less film and more actors"

"Movin' On Up" (Theme to "The Jeffersons") (1975)

Moving Day (May 1st)

Moving Night (October 30th)

"Moving the goal posts" ("Moving the goalposts")

Moxie (carbonated beverage)

Moxie (slang for having heart, courage)

"Mozzarella sticks imply the existence of mozzarella trees"

Mozzarepa (mozzarella + arepa)

Mr. and Mrs. America

Mr. Big

Mr. Bojangles (person and song title)

Mr. Brown ("Mr. Brown Goes to Town") & Miss White (BBQ terms for light/inside and dark/outside meat)

Mr. Irrelevant (last person picked in the NFL draft)

Mr. Met (New York Mets mascot)

Mr. Met And His Journey Through The Big Apple (children's book by Aimee Aryal, 2008)

Mr. Met And His Journey Through The Big Apple (children's book by Aimee Aryal, 2008)

Mr. November (baseball playoffs hero)

Mr. October (baseball playoffs hero)

"Mr. Pibb is a poor man's Dr Pepper"

"Mr. Pibb = the poor man's Dr Pepper. I mean he isn't even a doctor"

Mr. Sands (code name used in a theater)

Mrs. Astor's Pet Horse (Mrs. Astor's Plush Horse)

Mrs. Astor's Plush Horse (Mrs. Astor's Pet Horse)

Mrs. Doubtpfizer (Mrs. Doubtfire + Pfizer)

MSDNC (MSNBC nickname)

MSDNC (MSNBC nickname)

MSGM (Macroeconomic, Systemic, Geopolitical and Monetary risks)

MSLGBT (MSNBC nickname)

MSLGBT (MSNBC nickname)

MSLSD (MSNBC nickname)

MSLSD (MSNBC nickname)

"MSM is the virus"

MSNB-Pravda or MSNBC-Pravda (MSNBC nickname)

MSNB-Pravda or MSNBC-Pravda (MSNBC nickname)

MSNBC White (CNN nickname)

MSNBS (MSNBC nickname)

MSNBS (MSNBC nickname)

MSNPC (MSNBC nickname)

MTA; MetroCard

Much Deeper (Doctor of Medicine or MD backronym)


Mud Bowl (1983 NY Jets-Miami Dolphins AFC Championship)

"Mud is a great leveller" (sports adage)

Muddy Buddies (cereal snack)

Muddy York (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Muffington Post (Huffington Post nickname)

"Muffins are bald cupcakes"

"Muffins are for people who don't have the balls to eat cake for breakfast"

"Muffins are just unfrosted cupcakes"

"'Muffins' spelled backwards is 'Sniffum'"

Muffuletta (Muffaletta; Mufalatta; Muff Sandwich)

Muggers' Express (4 subway line)



Mulligan Stew

Mum In Love with Fitness (MILF)


Mumbo Sauce


Muppet Trade

Muppetry (muppet + puppetry)

Muppets (derogatory name for financial clients)

Mural Capital of Texas (Breckenridge nickname)

Murder Avenue (Myrtle Avenue)

Murder Burger

Murder City (Ciudad Jua?rez nickname)

Murder, Inc.

Murderapolis (murder + Minneapolis)

Murderers' Row

Murderna (Moderna nickname)

"Murphy’s Slaw: If cabbage can go rotten, it will"

Murray Hell (Murray Hill + hell)

Murray Hiller (inhabitant of Murray Hill, Manhattan)

Murraytown (Murray Hill, Kips Bay, Gramercy & the Flatiron)

"Muscle cars imply the existence of blood, bone, and subcutaneous fat cars"

"Muscle cars imply the existence of bone cars, skin cars and blood cars"

"Muscle cars imply the existence of epithelial, connective, and nerve cars"

Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential ("Marine" backronym)

"Muscles are torn in the gym, fed in the kitchen and built in bed"

Museum Mile

Museum of Fine Foods (Dean & DeLuca nickname)

Mush (sauerkraut & roll)

Mushroom Capital of Texas (Madisonville nickname)

Mushroom Management (Mushroom Theory of Management; Mushroom Treatment)

"Mushrooms, the breakfast of champignons"

"Music always sounds better on Friday"

"Music, dogs, coffee"

"Music is how we decorate time"

"Music is like candy -- you throw away the rappers"

"Music is noise in cursive"

"Music is the space between the notes"

"Music is what feelings sound like"

"Music picks you up from where people leave you"

"Music puns are my forte"

Music Row (West 48th Street)

"Music theory is just math in cursive"

Music Under New York (MUNY)

"Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and violinist"

"Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist"

"Musical puns are my forte"

"Musicians are just therapists that you can party with"

"Musicians are therapists that you can party with"

Muslim Day Parade

Muspandering (Muslim + pandering)

"Mussels are the pistachios of the ocean"

"Mussels are the pistachios of the sea"

"Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir" (drought joke)

"Must be nice being able to watch a movie without the overwhelming urge to Google..."

"Must Lett Tom Pick Onion" (mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions)

Must See TV (NBC); Must Agree TV (MSNBC)

Mustard Pie (mustard on pizza)

Mustard Pizza (mustard on pizza)

Mutton-chop Whiskers

Mutts (New York Mets derogatory nickname)

Mutually Assured Blackmail (MAB)

Muzzletard (face muzzle + retard)

Muzztard or Muztard (Muslim/Muzzie + retard)

"My 2yo referred to her coat pockets as 'snack holes' and this is what I shall forever call them"

"My account balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My account was hacked. If you received an inappropriate message it was still me"

"My accountant went to see a psychiatrist because he kept hearing strange invoices"

"My acrobatic friend likes to paint caged petit pois. He's a trapped peas artist"

"My advice is to invest in tennis balls. They have a high rate of return"

"My advice to you is to start drinking heavily"

"My alone time is for everyone's safety"

"My alone time is for your safety"

"My alone time is sometimes for your safety"

"My alone time with coffee is for everyone's safety"

"My alone time with coffee is for your safety"

My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment ("Marine" backronym)

"My attempt to make the perfect halal sandwich failed, when I made a pig's ear of it"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more alcohol"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more beer"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more caffeine"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more coffee"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more rum"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more tequila"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more vodka"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more whiskey"

"My backup plan is just my original plan but with more wine"

"My baggage was lost on a layover in Helsinki. Guess it must have disappeared into Finnair"

"My baker never uses chocolate chips in his cookies. It's okay, I'm sure he has his raisins"

"My bank account balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My bank account is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation"

"My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft"

"My bathroom light just went out. I wonder where it's going"

"My bedroom light just went out. I have no idea where it's going"

"My best mate ran off with the garlic bread and coleslaw. I wish he would stop taking sides"

"My BFF is a Bowl of Fattening Food"

"My biggest contribution to workplace safety is having a cup of coffee in the morning"

"My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee while I'm trying to play dead"

"My bills ain't even bills no more. They grown. I call them Williams"

"My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were..."

"My biology teacher grew human vocal chords in the lab. The results speak for themselves"

"My birthstone is a block of cheese"

"My birthstone is a coffee bean"

"My blood test came back today and my blood type changed from 'A positive' to 'darkly roasted'"

"My blood type is dark roast"

"My blood type is dark roast positive"

"My body doesn't produce its own alcohol. Therefore, I'm forced to take a supplement"

"My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet"

"My body is a garden, not a graveyard"

"My body is a temple. Therefore I am a church and exempt from paying taxes"

"My body is a temple...to Dionysus"

"My body is just a filter. Coffee goes in, sarcasm comes out"

"My body, my choice"

"My body only fights off illness on Saturday and Sunday. I have a weekend immune system"

"My body used to be a temple. Now it’s a combination of a liquor store & a Mexican restaurant"

"My book club only reads wine labels"

"My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I said he doesn't hire stupid people"

"My boss calls me ‘The Computer.' I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes"

"My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes. I feel like this is the end of my Korea"

"My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant" (joke)

"My boss phoned to ask how large my coffee mug is. It was a big weigh cup call"

"My boss said he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me"

"My boss said to me, 'You're the worst train driver ever!'" (joke)

"My boss told me time is money. I don't buy that for a second"

"My boss told me to have a great day. So I went home"

"My boss touched me inappropriately at work today. But it's okay, I'm self-employed"

"My boss yelled, 'You've been late 3 times this week, Do you know what that means?'"(Wednesday joke)

"My boss yelled, 'You've been late 5 times this week, Do you know what that means?'" (Friday joke)

"My brain has too many tabs open"

"My brother ate a Rolex because I told him 'watch his mouth'"

"My brother is dating a girl named Rosemary. I don't know what he season her"

"My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg's cereals. His job is Raisin Bran awareness"

"My car is a hybrid. It burns gas and rubber" (bumper sticker)

"My car is covered in sour cream and chives. Last time I ignore a 'hidden dip' sign"

"My car is getting 3 weeks to a gallon" (quarantine joke)

"My car loan identifies as a student loan" (student loan forgiveness joke)

"My car was on E, I put $20 in the tank, now it's on E+"

"My career as a street fighter didn't last very long. I broke my hand punching a curb"

"My cat is wondering why I keep cleaning my ice cream cone"

"My ceiling fan has 3 speeds..." (joke)

"My chemistry teacher offered me a Pb and J sandwich. Hospital bill is pretty high"

"My child is an honor student" (bumper sticker)

"My child, my choice"

"My child will not eat fish. What can I replace it with?"/"A cat. Cats love fish."

"My children are like inmates at a jail: They eat for free, they are all innocent..."

"My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer..."

"My church accepts all denominations -- fivers, tenners, twenties"

"My church serves noodles at communion. We're Ramen Catholic"

"My city's potholes will change your radio station and unlock your doors"

"My coffee looked at me this morning and told me, 'Sorry I don't do miracles'"

"My coffee needs coffee"

"My colleague is playing heavy metal at work. He's totally office rocker"

"My colleagues at work have given me the nickname 'Mr. Compromise'" (joke)

"My college graduation was in an arena, and it was hot in there, like 5,000 degrees"

"My compliments to the gardener" (said at a vegan/vegetarian restaurant)

"My computer crashed. Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening"

"My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters..."

"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor"

"My COVID-19 is the most weight I’ve gained since my Freshman 15"

"My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull"

"My credit card company called me to report suspicious activity. Someone made a payment"

"My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered"

"My credit card had suspicious activity -- I bought a gym membership"

"My dad always said that it was rude to point. Great dad, terrible bricklayer"

"My dad always said, 'The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more'" (joke)

"My dad always said, 'Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.' Balance: $9.11"

"My dad got shot from a cannon. The circus never found another man of his caliber"

"My dad told me he was into East Asian music and I was like, 'k, pop...'"

"My dad told me that I would make a great mime. I was speechless"

"My dad told me to invest my money in bonds, so I bought 100 copies of Goldfinger"

"My dad was a workaholic. Every time someone mentioned work, he got drunk"

"My dad was the town drunk. Usually that's not so bad, but New York City?"

"My dad's been suffering from seizures. So far, they've taken his car, his house and his boat"

"My dad's brother eats loads of pasta. He's my carbuncle"

"My dad's sister is a fish. She's my Aunt Chovy"

"My dad’s sister works in a Paris bakery and hates it. She’s a cross aunt"

"My dad's sisters can't get Covid. They have antibodies"

"My daughter said she saw a deer on the way to school. How did she know it was going to school?"

"My debit card is starting to feel like a gift card...'not sure how much is on this but try it'"

"My deer cloning operation has succeeded! I can finally make a quick buck"

"My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me, 'Do you smoke or drink coffee?'"

"My desire to be well-informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane"

"My desire to stay well-informed is at odds with my desire to stay sane"

"My dessert just threw itself off the table. It was a lemming meringue pie"

"My diet today: 1% real food, 99% Halloween candy"

"My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room"

"My diving school has gone under"

"My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread. I am black toast intolerant"

"My doctor said to stay away from trans fats, so I left tumblr"

"My doctor said to stay away from trans fats, so I left tumblr"

"My doctor told me to cut down on sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt"

"My doctor told me to drink a glass of wine after a hot bath..." (joke)

"My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, he actually said 'less McDonald's'"

"My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub. So I've started smoking"

"My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror"

"My dog sighs a lot for somebody who doesn’t contribute to this house or know what a government is

"My dream job is no job. I just want to get paid for breathing"

"My dream job is to work for a manufacturer of lamps because of the light workload"

"My dream job would be getting paid to sleep"

"My 'dry' January is Sauvignon Blanc"

"My dyslexic French friend said he owed me some money...OUI"

"My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it's what it's"

"My eighty-percent friend is not my twenty-percent enemy"

"My emotional support animal is a chicken. A four piece. With a biscuit"

"My emotional support animal is a fried chicken"

"My English teacher always told me that spelling doesn't matter because we'll have autocorrect"

My Entire Team Sucks (New York Mets nickname)

"My ex tried to get my baby marijuana plants, but I was granted joint custody"

"My ex-wife says it was my obsession with horoscopes that Taurus apart"

"My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats"

"My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!"

"My Facebook account is for laughing. For crying, I have my bank account!"

"My Facebook-using grandfather died. We won't be seeing the likes of him again"

"My father walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"My fake plants died because I forgot to pretend to water them"

"My fall look this year is drinking my coffee on an empty stomach & visibly shaking until lunch"

"My family says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it"

"My family told me to get help for my drinking...so I hired a bartender"

"My family's in the iron and steel business" (joke)

"My family's leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing. And they're off!"

"My farts always smell like butterscotch. They smell like butt or scotch"

"My father used to say, 'You don't always get what you pay for'" (joke)

"My father uses reddit. I guess it's heredditary"

"My father's answer to everything was alcohol. He didn't drink; he was just shit at quizzes"

"My favorite animal is steak"

"My favorite California city is Austin, Texas"

"My favorite childhood memory is not paying bills"

"My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine"

"My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine"

"My favorite color is Christmas lights"

"My favorite color is food"

"My favorite color is October"

"My favorite color is pizza"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about us"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about you"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares about your health"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for me"

"My favorite conspiracy theory is that the government cares for you"

"My favorite essential oil is bacon grease"

"My favorite exercise at the gym is judging"

"My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch"

"My favorite exercise is chewing"

"My favorite exercise is chewing"

"My favorite game is trying to take something out of the refrigerator..." (Refrigerator Jenga)

"My favorite garden is the beer garden"

"My favorite holiday is Saturday"

"My favorite ice cream flavor is Charm" (physics joke)

"My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine"

"My favorite outdoor activity is getting my packages at the door and bringing them in"

"My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside"

"My favorite outdoors activity is getting my packages at the door and bringing them in"

"My favorite part about having a job is assuming you’re fired every time your boss calls..."

"My favorite position is CEO" ("A woman's favorite position is CEO")

"My favorite seafood is saltwater taffy"

"My favorite teacher at school was Mrs. Turtle. Strange name, but she tortoise well"

"My favorite thing is to clean the kitchen so I can cook dinner so I can clean the kitchen again"

"My favorite time of the year is when the bugs start to die"

"My favorite vegetable is salsa"

"My favorite way to online shop is just to yell out what I'm looking for and wait for an ad"

"My favorite way to online shop is to yell out what I’m looking for & wait for the Facebook ads"

"My favorite winter sport is walking to the coffee maker"

"My favorite winter sport is walking to the nearest coffee shop"

"My favorite zone is the cal"

"My fellow Americans"

"My French teacher has retired. Adios, amigo"

"My financial status: I just rinsed off a paper plate"

"My fine feathered friend" (usually said of a chicken)

"My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea"

"My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience, The second time let me down"

"My food is grown and harvested, not born and killed"

"My food is grown, not born"

"My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil"

"My freedom doesn't end where your fear begins"

"My freedom is more important than your good idea"

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana..." (joke)

"My friend bullied and pressured me to go spelunking, so I caved"

"My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore. So I sent him a card, "Get well soon'"

"My friend cuts up his Indian bread to look like coins. It's naan cents"

"My friend David had his ID stolen the other day. Now we just call him Dav"

"My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in"

"My friend got fired from his cow milking job. He was a danger to himself and udders"

"My friend has just passed his master's degree in salad studies. He now has lettuce after his name"

"My friend helped me move and dropped 20% of my couch on his foot. Ouch"

"My friend is a professional sleep walker. He is living the dream"

"My friend is a professional sleeper. He is living the dream"

"My friend is a qualified greengrocer. He has lettuce after his name"

"My friend is making easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes..." (joke)

"My friend is so vegan, he won't even have his picture taken because he'd have to say 'cheese'"

"My friend just quit his job at BMW. He gave no indication he was leaving"

"My friend phoned that he's changing his name to 'Spinal Column.' I said, 'Can I call you back?'"

"My friend said onions are the only food that make you cry -- so I threw a coconut at his face"

"My friend shouted, “You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot!'" (joke)

"My friend swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital" (joke)

"My friend told me a joke about a TV controller. It wasn't remotely funny"

"My friend tried to convince me 'whey' is spelled 'whfey.' There's no f in whey"

"My friend used my to-do list to roll a blunt. He's high on my list of priorities"

"My friend William changed his name to Lawrence, and that's how a Bill becomes a Law"

"My friends and I experimented with drugs and sex in high school. I was part of the control group"

"My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items. It’s a small scale operation"

"My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast"

"My friends call me 'The Computer.' I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes"

"My friend's getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes..." (joke)

"My friends say I’m a pessimist. But I think it’s far worse than that"

"My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies"

"My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation. We now sell smoothies"

"My gamer girlfriend just left me...said I always tried to controller"

"My graffiti removal company went bust today, but the writing had been on the wall for some time"

"My gauge is fine 'til the third glass of wine"

"My Geography teacher died yesterday. Well, he is History now"

"My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house? I told her it was the Decepticons..."

"My girlfriend broke up with me for being too 'un-American.' I saw it coming from a kilometre away"

"My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box"

"My girlfriend disliked my obsession with Japanese food, sushi left me"

"My girlfriend fell in an ice cream store. She's now a sore bae"

"My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes. In the end it Taurus apart"

"My girlfriend just dumped me for talking about video games. What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4"

"My girlfriend said I wasn't a true cockney, so I pushed her down the apples and oranges"

"My girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter" (joke)

"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I got drunk"

"My goal this weekend is to move just enough so people don't think I'm dead"

"My government spent $1 trillion on the drug war and all I got was this lousy police state"

"My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Blues, and Altered" (joke)

"My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can't see where I'm driving"

"My grandad asked me how to print on his computer. I told him it’s Ctrl-P" (joke)

"My grandad committed suicide by eating the entire 88 keys on a piano. He didn't leave a note"

"My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep, not like his passengers"

"My grandfather makes his own cream cheese. It's called Pap Schmear"

"My grandfather was the best damn podium salesman. He always stood behind his product"

"My grandma is 80% Irish. People call her Iris"

"My grandmother Eleanor gave me her seafood recipes, but nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella"

"My grandmother still doesn't need glasses. Drinks straight from the bottle"

"My gran's collection of antique gravy boats were Bistoed upon me"

"My Greek yogurt is expired. Does this make it Ancient Greek yogurt now?"

"My grocery list: 1. Don’t run into anyone you know 2. Eggs"

"My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know"

"My guns won't be illegal. They will be 'undocumented'"

"My head gets cold at the drop of a hat"

"My heart bleeds blue borscht"

"My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, 'eat a salad'"

"My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys"

"My high school was so small we had driver's ed and sex ed in the same car"

"My hobbies are breakfast, lunch and dinner"

"My hobbies include drinking alcohol and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking beer and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking coffee and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking vodka and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include drinking wine and throwing sarcasm around like confetti"

"My hobbies include eating and also thinking about the next time I will be eating"

"My hobbies include eating and complaining that I'm getting fat"

"My hobbies include eating and thinking about the next time I will be eating"

"My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom"

"My homework ate my dog"

"My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it"

"My house was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it"

"My housekeeping style can best be described as: 'There appears to have been a struggle'"

"My houseplants probably wouldn't die so fast if they could scream for food and water like my kids"

"My husband asked me to act like a 'naughty school girl' for him so I forged a note from my mother"

"My husband says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it"

"My idea of a super bowl is a large bowl of guacamole"

"My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself"

"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit"

"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance"

"My idols are shadowbanned and my enemies are all verified"

"My immune system doesn't have a long history of fraud, bribery, & disinformation"

"My inflatable house got a puncture last night. Now, I'm living in a flat"

"My intellectual property is in foreclosure"

"My internet bride got delivered today. She's the WiFi always dreamed of"

"My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them"

"My internet was down for 5 minutes, so I spoke to my family. They seem like nice people"

"My job as a croupier is ideal"

"My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder"

"My job does this cool thing where if you do your work well, you get to do someone else's work, too"

"My job has this cool thing where if you do your job well, you get to do other people's jobs, too"

"My job has this fun habit of adding responsibilities to your job role without adding any money..."

"My job has this really fun habit of adding more responsibilities to my job role..."

"My job is more than just a paycheck. It's a place I go and cry in the bathroom"

"My job is secure. No one else wants it"

"My job is so top secret even I don't know what I'm doing"

"My job testing fizzy drinks is really getting to me. It's soda grading"

"My kid beat up your honor student" (bumper sticker)

"My kid got your honor student pregnant" (bumper sticker)

"My kid is an honor student at a dumbed-down government indoctrination camp" (bumper sticker)

"My kid is an honor student & my president is an idiot" (bumper sticker)

"My kids say I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, they're in for a shock"

"My kids threw up when I told them I’d put Ginger in the curry. They really loved that cat"

"My kitchen light just went out. I have no idea where it's going"

"My kitchen was clean last week. Sorry you missed it"

"My landlord wanted to come talk to me about the high heating bill. I said, 'My door's always open''

"My last boss was a dwarf. He was a real micromanager"

"My least favorite California city is Austin, Texas"

"My left knee has never committed a crime. I can’t say the same for his felony"

"My legs are weak, my arms are sore, my chest is heavy, my body is tired, I WILL NOT BE STOPPED"

"My liberty is more important than your stupid idea"

"My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to be fat"

"My life is a very complicated drinking game"

"My life is just a series of awkward and humiliating moments separated by snacks"

"My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks"

"My life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance and it's just me laughing"

"My life. My choices. My mistakes. My lessons. Not your business"

"My local bakery accused me of stealing all their yeast. They can't prove anything"

"My mailbox is under quarantine. Not accepting bills at this time"

"My mailman got a sex change. I guess you'd call him a post-man now"

"My main problem is reconciling my gross habits with my net income"

"My mask broke at the store. I felt like Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl"

"My mask broke in the store and it felt like my titty popped out"

"My mask is on the inside. It's called an immune system"

"My mask protects you. Your mask protects me"

"My math teacher called me average. Well, that's just mean"

"My mayonnaise is trying kill me or so my sauces tell me"

"My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem"

"My milk is about to die. It’s at 2%"

"My mind is like an internet browser. I have 19 tabs open, 3 are frozen ..."

"My mom always tells me I'm special, but I can't figure out who this Ed guy is!"

"My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day..." (joke)

"My mom tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter"

"My mom used to say that Greek Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper"

"My mom's sister doesn't get Corona. She has an auntie body"

"My morning coffee contains all of my people skills"

"My mortgage identifies as a student loan" (student loan forgiveness joke)

"My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow"

"My mother served nothing but leftovers; the original meal has never been found"

"My mother taught me about the science of osmosis -- 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper!'"

"My muffin top is now a pound cake"

"My neighbor and I are good friends, so we decided to share our water supply. We got a long well"

"My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall, but it was his dumb asphalt"

"My neighbor has joined the War on Drugs...on the side of drugs"

"My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not"

"My neighbors listen to good music, whether they like it or not"

"My nerdy friend got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes. He is now known as 'Dr. Awkward'"

"My new boss told me to be on call 24/7. I don't mind as July 24th is ages away"

"My new credit card has this awesome theft protection..." (joke)

"My new dog, Minton, just ate all my shuttlecocks. Bad Minton!"

"My new shadow puppet theater could make millions, but that's just projected figures"

"My New Year's resolution is 1080p"

"My New Year's resolution is to buy a velcro wall and I plan on sticking to it"

"My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier"

"My New Year's resolution is to not have one"

"My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate. I'll start tomorrow"

"My New Year's resolution is to stay out of shape. Maybe I won't stick with this one either"

"My New Year's resolution is to stop putting my foot in my mouth. I bet yours is to lose weight"

"My New Year's Resolutions: 1. Get my finances in order 2. Get finances"

"My new year's revolution is to learn how to spell"

"My new years revolution is to learn how to spell"

"My New Year's revolution is to proofread more"

"My next song is about subtraction. Take it away..."

"My nickname at school was glue. I don't know why, it just seemed to stick"

"My obsession with decimals. It's in tenths!"

"My old school bully still takes my lunch money..." (joke)

"My only talent is I just don't quit"

"My opinion of message boards? I'm all forum!"

"My other bumper sticker is funny" (bumper sticker)

"My other car bumper sticker is funny" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is a Porsche" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is a Zamboni" (hockey saying)

"My other car is also a car" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is an honor student" (bumper sticker)

"My other car is another car that has a sticker that says my other car is this car" (bumper sticker)

"My parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called 'Identity Theft'"

"My pee smells like coffee"

"My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work"

"My personal style is best described as 'didn't expect to get out of the car'"

"My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are"

"My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid"

"My phone just filmed a 3 hour documentary about life inside my pocket"

"My phone just filmed a 5 hour documentary about life in my pocket"

"My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket"

"My plan for today? Same as always. Drink coffee and be sexy"

"My personal beliefs are somewhere between all violence is wrong and come try me"

"My political views are somewhere between all violence is wrong and f**k around and find out"

"My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow"

"My posts were removed. Someone took a fence"

"My problem is as soon as I get money my tastebuds become allergic to the food at home"

"My problem is I wanna follow Jesus and slap people too"

"My problem is I want to follow Jesus and slap people too"

"My professor told me that I’m failing ethics class. I slid $20 and asked, 'What about now?'"

"My pronoun is 'Patriot'"

"My relationship with gin is on the rocks"

"My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately"

"My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks"

"My relationship with whisky has been on the rocks lately"

"My relationship with whisky is on the rocks"

"My résumé is basically a list of things I hate to do"

"My résumé is just a list of jobs I never want to do again"

"My résumé is just a list of things I never want to do again"

"My résumé is just a list of things I really never want to do again"

"My retirement plan is societal collapse"

"My rights are not subject to your feelings"

"My rights are not up for negotiation because of your feelings"

"My rights don't end where your fear begins"

"My rights don't end where your fear begins. So go fuck yourself"

"My rights don't end where your fears begin"

"My rights don't end where your feelings begin"

"My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic. Joke's on him, I don’t have a roommate"

"My salads tend to be a bit on the dry side. It’s definitely something that needs addressing"

"My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday"

"My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.2 million dollars"

"My school was so tough, the school newspaper had an obituary section"

"My school's development office will find me" (alumni joke)

"My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook"

"My sex life is like a video game. Single Player"

"My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was classic, then it was light, and now it's zero"

"My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was classic, then went on a diet, and now it's zero"

"My sex life is like Coca-Cola. First it was normal, then light and now zero"

"My sex life is like COVID-19. I don't have COVID-19"

"My son asked me what our IP address was. I pointed to the toilet"

"My son goes to a private school. He won't tell me where it is!"

"My son identifies as a crescent moon. I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase"

"My son said he was smart so I asked him to spell it..." (joke)

"My spirit animal is either Grey Goose or Wild Turkey"

"My spirit animal is Grey Goose"

"My spirit animal is the Jägermeister stag"

"My spirit animal is Wild Turkey"

"My sport is your sport's punishment" (cross-country running aphorism)

"My stomach is flat. The 'L' is just silent"

"My stomach is flat. The 'L' is silent"

"My study breaks are longer than my actual study time"

"My superiority complex is better than yours"

"My swear jar could finance the fucking space program"

"My teacher doesn't know anything. All she does is ask questions"

"My teacher told me guns kill people. I told her my pencil failed my A levels"

"My teacher told me guns kill people. I told her my pencil failed my math exam"

"My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect"

"My thighs are so sexy, they can't stop touching each other"

"My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone trying on summer clothes"

"My tin foil hat won't give me myocarditis"

"My tolerance for alcohol is higher than my tolerance for people"

"My tolerance for alcohol is much higher than my tolerance for people"

"My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people"

"My toxic trait is once that sun starts shining I wanna quit my job"

"My toxic trait is once the sun starts shining I wanna quit my job"

"My truck is a hybrid. It burns diesel and rubber" (bumper sticker)

"My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me. Jerks"

"My TV keeps changing the channels by itself every few seconds. It's an ADHD TV"

"My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They are his watch dogs"

"My uncle used to carry a trifle in the army. He was a desserter"

"My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning"

"My unicorn ate my homework"

"My vaccine dad joke failed. But it was worth a shot"

"My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachos" (Merc.-Venus-Earth-Mars-Jupiter-Sat.-Uranus-Nept.)

"My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can't carry 23 items"

"My walk of shame is going back for a shopping trolley after realising I can't carry 23 items"

"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York."

"My way or the highway"

"My wife and I met while studying to be opthalmologists. We were eye school sweethearts"

"My wife and I watched three movies back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the TV"

"My wife asked if I wanted to eat some of the chicken on the barbecue. I suggested a chair"

"My wife asked if I'd seen the dog bowl. I said I didn't even know he could play cricket"

"My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner..." (joke)

"My wife asked me, 'Did you eat my chocolate in the cupboard?'" (joke)

"My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer..." (joke)

"My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I made it!"

"My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes" (joke)

"My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list. I can’t read a word now"

"My wife asked me to take her to one of those places where they make the food in front of you..."

"My wife asked me what the female version of the 'man cave' was. I told her the kitchen"

"My wife asked why I carry a gun around the house. I told her: fear of CIA. She laughed..."

"My wife broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler..." (joke)

"My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers. To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers"

"My wife dressed up as a nurse to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance"

"My wife dresses to kill; she cooks the same way"

"My wife found I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding..." (Scrabble joke)

"My wife gets annoyed if I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and lemonade & she's sangria"

"My wife gets turned on by shopping. It seems she's buy-sexual"

"My wife got 'romantic' today. It's the best Scrabble score she's ever had"

"My wife has OCD and arranges dinner plates. It's a very rare dish order"

"My wife is leaving me because I've put CCTV all round the house. I can see where she's coming from"

"My wife is leaving me because of my Star Wars obsession. I said, 'May divorce be with you'"

"My wife just called me, 'Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers'" (joke)

"My wife just gave me a restraining order. Who knew there was a correct way to use a colander?"

"My wife left a note on the fridge that said 'This isn't working'" (joke)

"My wife made me join a bridge club -- I jump off next Tuesday"

"My wife made some bread from a North African recipe book..." ("old thyme Moroccan roll" joke)

"My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love. I told her 'Choose one, I can't do both'"

"My wife always prefers the stairs; I take the elevator. I guess we were raised differently"

"My wife ran off with a mustard salesman. She sent me a Dijon letter"

"My wife Rose is leaving me because of my obsession with pens. Bye Rose"

"My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month. It’s part of her minstrel cycle"

"My wife says I put plates and bowls in the wrong cupboards. She thinks I’m dishlexic"

"My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it"

"My wife sighed, 'Why does everything have to be a game with you?'"

"My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are"

"My wife suffers from a drinking problem..." (joke)

"My wife texted me this morning, 'Windows frozen, won't open'" (computer joke)

"My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages" (joke)

"My wife told me I’ve grown as a person. Her actual words were, 'You’ve gotten fat'"

"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it" (joke)

"My wife tried to beat me at Scrabble, but I wooden letter"

"My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard. I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking"

"My wife wanted me to take her somewhere expensive. I took her to the gas station"

"My wife will buy anything that's marked down. Yesterday, she brought home an escalator!"

"My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly. She is infringing on my right to bear arms"

"My wife: You need to do more chores around the house. Me: Can we change the subject?" (joke)

"My wife's a peach -- she has a heart of stone"

"My wife's cooking has really improved. That was the best slice of soup I've ever had!"

"My wife's cooking is incredible. With a silent 'cr'"

"My wife's credit card was stolen..." (joke)

"My word is my bond" ("Word is bond"); Dictum Meum Pactum

My-Yam-Me (Miami)

"My yoga instructor is from Jamaica. She teaches Pilates of the Caribbean"

"My yoga pants have never been to yoga"

"My colleague can no longer attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar, so I have to fill her slot"

Mythical National Championship (MNC)