H-Town (Houston nickname)

H2NO (H2O/water + no)

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

Hablanero (habla + habanero)

Hack-a-Player or Hack-a-Shaq (basketball foul strategy)

"Hack in black (robes)" (activist judge)

"Hacker: I have all your passwords. Me: OMG thank you, what are they?"

"Hackers need to step the fuck up and delete everyone’s loans and mortgages"

"Hackers need to step the fuck up and delete everyone’s student loans"

"Hackers need to step their game up and delete everyone's loans, bad credit and mortgages"

"Had a dream I was at work. Woke up and called off... I ain't working twice!"

"Had no idea why my salad was $175, then the waiter said that they only use beets by Dre"

Had One Never Did Again (Honda backronymic nickname)

"Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa"

Hail Mary (1975 Roger Staubach pass)

Haines Bottom (call of a market bottom on March 10, 2009)

"Hair, Horns and Holler" (ingredients of a cowboy stew)

Hairbag (veteran police officer)

Haircut Street (Pell Street)

"Haircuts for New Yorkers" (Dramatics NYC)

Hairy Man (Bigfoot/Sasquatch-type legend)

"Hairy vine, no friend of mine" (poison ivy adage)

"Hakuna Fermata. It means keep playing for the rest of your days"

"Hakuna Ma'Coffee. It means no worries. I'll just drink coffee for the rest of the day"

"Hakuna Ma'Vodka. It means no memories"

"Hakuna Mimosa. It means it's brunchtime"

"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine"

Half-and-Half (dairy product)

Half-and-Half Pizza

Half-and-Half (sweet tea + unsweetened iced tea)

Half-Baked

Half Marathon

"Half of Louisiana is under water and the other half is under indictment"

Half Of My Energy Wasted On Random Knowledge ("homework" backronym)

Half-Smoke

"Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee. The other half, I wonder if it's too early..."

"Half the game is mental, the other half is being mental"

"Half the money spent on advertising is wasted, but no one knows which half"

Halfmoon: Solar Town, USA (nickname)

Halftime Flush or Super Bowl Flush (bathroom break during halftime)

Halfway House or Half-Way House (Anthony nickname)

Hall of Fame for Great Americans

"Hallmark implies the existence of Hallmatthew, Hallluke and Halljohn"

"Hallmark shows how to fall in love with men. Lifetime shows you how to kill them"

Hallothanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)

Halloweekend (Halloween + weekend)

"Halloween apples!" (Halloween shout)

"Halloween calories don't count"

"Halloween costume idea: You should go as the person you pretend to be on Facebook"

"Halloween is only good for one thing. Which is..."

"Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup..."

"Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets"

"Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Taco Bell hot sauce packets"

"Halloween. Wearing masks, eating candy, listening to scary stuff..."

Hallowine (Halloween + wine)

Hallowthanksmas (Halloween + Thanksgiving + Christmas)

Haloodie (halal + foodie)

HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

Ham and Eggs

"Ham radio implies the existence of a cheese antenna"

"Ham radio implies the existence of a Cuban sandwich radio"

"Ham radio implies the existence of bacon radio"

"Ham radio implies the existence of cheese radio"

"Ham radio implies the existence of turkey radio and roast beef radio"

Ham Sandwich

Ham Tetrazzini

Hamburger (a full etymology)

"Hamburgers are just meat Oreos"

Hamburger Bun

"Hamburger comes from the German city of Hamburg. Cheeseburger comes from the city of Cheeseburg"

Hamburger Disease (hemolytic uremic syndrome)

Hamburger & Fletcher Davis of Athens, TX ("Original Home of the Hamburger"?)

"Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a darker Hamburger Hurter"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Betrayer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Hamperer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Harmer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Hinderer"

"Hamburger Helper implies the existence of a Hamburger Master"

"Hamburger patties are really just meatloaf cookies"

Hamburger Restaurant

Hamburger with everything; Hot Dog with everything; Pizza with everything

Hamburger with mustard and without ketchup (Cowboy Burger; Texas Burger)

"Hamburgers love classical music. They go to the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall"

"Hamburgers love classical music. They go to the Meatropolitan Opera House and Cownegie Hall"

Hamburguesa Mexicana (Mexican Burger)

Hamdog (hamburger + hot dog)

"Hamilton started the Treasury with nothing; that's the closest our country has been to being even"

Hamlet on the Hudson (Hamlet of the Hudson)

Hammunition (ham + ammunition)

Hamptons West (Far Rockaway)

Hand Money Over (HMO nickname)

"Hand sanitizer should be renamed 'paper cut finder'"

"Handcrafted soap is the best. No lye"

"Handmade soap is the best. No lye"

"Hands up! This is a civil asset forfeiture"

Handwich (hand + sandwich)

"Handy as hip pockets on a hog"

"Hang a lantern on your problem"

"Hang On, Peace Exists" ("hope" backronym)

"Hang up and drive" (driver safety slogan)

Hanging for murder is played out in New York

Hangman's Elm or Hanging Tree (English Elm in Washington Square Park)

Hangover Breakfast

Hangover Brunch

Hangover (Hang-over)

"Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever"

"Hangovers are temporary. Memories are forever"

Hangry (hungry + angry)

Hangtown Fry

"Han Solo's diet mainly consists of protein and fat... But he allows himself one carb a night"

Hanukkah Gelt

Hanukkah Gelt

Happetite (happy + appetite)

Happier Hour

"Happier than a bird with a french fry"

"Happier than a seagull with a french fry"

"Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower"

"Happiness is a cup of coffee and a good book"

"Happiness is a cup of coffee while working through the night"

"Happiness is a cup of coffee while working through the night"

"Happiness is a day called Friday"

"Happiness is a Texan headed south with an Okie under each arm"

"Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life"

"Happiness is being halfway through the week"

"Happiness is coffee on a fall day"

"Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky -- and a dog to eat the rare steak"

"Happiness is homemade"

"Happiness is Lubbock, Texas, in my rear view mirror"

"Happiness is not having to set an alarm for the next day"

"Happiness is not having to set the alarm for the next day"

"Happiness is not having to set your alarm for the next day"

"Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them"

"Happiness is the new rich. Inner peace is the new success. Health is the new wealth"

"Happiness lies in our own backyard, but it's probably well hidden by crabgrass"

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open"

"Happy as a witch in a broom factory" ("Happier than a witch in a broom factory")

"Happy Birthday to You...Chinese food!" ("Happy Birthday to You...cha-cha-cha")

"Happy Easter, happy spring, happy happy everything"

"Happy employees make for happy customers"

"Happy fall, y'all" ("It's fall, y'all")

Happy Family (Chinese dish)

"Happy Friday! Don't forget to be fabulous!"

"Happy Friday you beautiful human"

"Happy Friday you beautiful human being"

"Happy Friday you beautiful human beings"

Happy Hour

"Happy International Women's Day to Alexa and Siri. The only women who listen to men"

"Happy Mexican St. Patrick's Day" (Cinco de Mayo)

Happy Minute (similar to "happy hour")

"Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that is raising your children"

"Happy new year!" (new year's shout)

"Happy Oscar Night! When we get to watch people who glorify adultery, murder, theft..."

"Happy Oscar night! Where we get to watch people who glorify disobedience, adultery, murder, theft, and lying..."

"Happy people live longer. Bacon makes you happy. Therefore, bacon makes you live longer"

"Happy slaves are the biggest enemies of freedom"

"Happy Thursday! Sorry, but I’m saving my 'Woo Hoo!' for Friday"

"Happy Thursday! Sorry, but I’m saving my 'Woohoo!' for Friday"

"Happy Thursday!!! You may now return to your regularly scheduled coffee"

Happy Together (Chinese dish of shrimp and chicken)

"HAPPY TUESDAY!!! You may now return to your regularly scheduled coffee"

Happy Waitress (grilled cheese sandwich with bacon and tomato)

Happy Warrior

"Happy whatever doesn't offend you" (greeting)

"Happy Women's Day to Alexa and Siri, the only women who listen to men!"

"Happy Women's Day to Alexa, Siri and Bixby. The only women to listen to men"

Happytalism (happy + -talism)

Harbor District

Hard Case State (Oregon nickname)

"Hard drinker? Drinking's one of the easiest things to do"

Hard Line (Hard Liner)

"Hard seltzer is just millennial Zima"

"Hard seltzer is just Zima for millennials"

"Hard seltzer is just Zima for zoomers"

"Hard shell tacos survive the factory, delivery trucks and the store, but..."

"Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. Weak men create hard times"

"Hard to find four innocent people in New York"

"Hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard"

"Hard work is equal to prayer"

"Hard work is the accumulation of easy things you didn't do"

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" (joke)

"Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now"

Hardball

"Harder than eating red beans with a pitchfork"

"Hardest job ever: Working in a bubble wrap factory. Imagine the self-control needed"

Hare Krishna Tree (American Elm in Tompkins Square Park)

"Harelips the governor" ("hare-lips the governor")

Harlem Apple (cocktail)

Harlem Big Apple Club Plaque Removed (2006)

Harlem Globetrotters

Harlem Hilton (FDNY Engine 69, Ladder 28)

"Harlem of the West" (San Diego, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Chicago)

Harlem Shake (2001 dance)

Harlem Shake (2013 videos)

Harlem Shuffle

Harlem Week

Harlemite (inhabitant of Harlem)

Harlem's Beale Street (West 133rd Street)

Harlem's Cathedral (St. Charles Borromeo Church)

Harlem's jazz musicians (1930s)

Harlem's Main Street, or the Buckle of Harlem's Black Belt (125th Street)

Harlem's Restaurant Row (Frederick Douglass Boulevard)

Harlingenite (inhabitant of Harlingen)

Harm City

Harmony Row (Park Avenue, between 58th and 59th Streets)

Harmony Row (Park Avenue location of German-American musical societies)

Harmony Row (West 28th Street)

Harmony Row (West 28th Street, also called "Tin Pan Alley")

"Harry Potter walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

Harvard of the South (Rice University nickname)

Harvard on the Border (UTEP nickname)

Harvard-on-the-Brazos (Baylor, Texas A&M nickname)

Harvard on the Highway (San Jacinto College nickname)

Harvard on the Neches (Lamar University nickname)

"Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or...?"

"Has anyone else ever noticed that Mallomars are marshmallows backwards? Duhhhhh"

"Has anyone else noticed the word 'pandemic' is just 'dem' surrounded by 'panic?'"

"Has anyone ever found their marbles?"

"Has anyone got any tips on cooking asparagus?"

"Has anyone here ever drank a pint of tequila? I know it's a long shot"

"Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?"

"Has anyone tried turning the country off and on again?"

"Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second jar of Marmite?"

"Has there ever been a meat product that claimed it tastes like vegetables?"

Hasafashafsas

Hash Brownie

"Hash browns are just a socially acceptable way to eat french fries for breakfast"

"Hash browns are just breakfast french fries"

"Hash browns are just breakfast tater tots"

"Hash browns are just flat tater tots"

"Hash browns are just goyish latkes"

"Hash browns are just latkes for gentiles"

"Hash browns are just socially acceptable breakfast french fries"

Hash Browns (Hash Brown Potatoes; Hashed Brown Potatoes; Hashbrowns)

Hash-House Greek

Hash House Lingo

Hashbrowns (Hash Brown Potatoes; Hashed Brown Potatoes; Hash Browns)

"Hashbrowns are goyische latkes"

"Hashbrowns are just breakfast french fries"

"Hashbrowns are just breakfast tater tots"

Hashtivist (hashtag + activist)

"Hasta barista, baby"

"Hasta la pasta" (hasta la vista + pasta)

"Hasta la pizza" (hasta la vista + pizza)

"Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya"

Hat and T-shirt Victory

"Hate injures the hater, not the hated"

"Hating the IRS today is a great respite from hating my job"

Hatriot (hate + patriot)

"Haunted French pancakes give me the crépes"

"Have a big time in Texas" (Texas slogan)

"Have a good weekend because Monday will be here in 30 minutes"

"Have a great weekend because Monday will be here in 20 minutes"

"Have a piece of meat on your shin? That's bologna"

"Have my doubts about this 'smart water,' considering how easily it's captured and bottled"

"Have Only Positive Expectations" ("hope" backronym)

"Have saddle, will travel" (horse adage)

"Have some patience. I'm screwing things up as fast as possible"

"Have to love Easter, baby" (pun on "Hasta la vista, baby")

"Have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better?"

"Have we tried throwing a politician into a volcano to appease the virus yet?"

Have Yachts (from "haves and have nots")

"Have y’all ever tried doing the speed limit and thinking they can’t be serious"

"Have you been called conspiracy theorist in 2020? You may be entitled to an apology"

"Have you been traumatized by the toilet paper shortage? You may be entitled to constipation"

"Have you ever had to park like an asshole because the person next to you parked like an asshole?"

"Have you ever noticed how many towns are named after their water towers?"

"Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing"

"Have you ever wondered how just one little dog controls so many sheep? Fear"

"Have you got anything smaller?" (taxi joke)

"Have you guys tried General Tso Tso's chicken? It's alright"

"Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg"

"Have you heard about the evil group of men who control all the world’s cheese? The Hallouminati!"

"Have you heard about the game where you throw dice to win boats? Yachtzee!"

"Have you heard about the guy who bowled three hundred and one?" (joke)

"Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid-19? Most people infected are eh symptomatic"

"Have you heard about the sauna that serves food? Their specialty is steamed mussels"

"Have you heard the joke about getting rid of COVID? It's a riot!"

"Have you noticed that since all the beauty salons have closed, nobody's taking selfies?"

"Have you or a loved one been called a conspiracy theorist? You may be entitled to an apology"

"Have you seen the baked bean website?"/"I've only just got wind of it."

"Have you seen the baked bean website?"/"I've only just got wind of it."

"Have you seen the boxing website?"/"Yes, it really knocked me out!"

"Have you seen the boxing website?"/"Yes, it really knocked me out!"

"Have you seen the bus website?"/"Yes - it's just the ticket!"

"Have you seen the bus website?"/"Yes - it's just the ticket!"

"Have you seen the Dalmatian website?"/"No - haven't spotted it so far."

"Have you seen the dog bowl?"/"No, but he's pretty good at skating!"

"Have you seen the dog bowl?"/"Yeah, his off-spin needs work."

"Have you seen the dynamite website?"/"Yes, it really blew my mind."

"Have you seen the hypnosis website?"/"Yes, but it put me to sleep."

"Have you seen the new fishing website?"/"No, it's not online yet."

"Have you seen the new fishing website?"/"No, it's not online yet."

"Have you seen the new fruitcake website?"/"Yes - it's my currant favorite!"

"Have you seen the new fruitcake website?"/"Yes - it's my currant favorite!"

"Have you seen the umbrella website?"/"Yes, but it went right over my head."

"Have you stopped beating your wife?" (loaded question)

"Have you tried disabling cookies?"/"Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"

"Have you tried disabling cookies?"/"Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!"

"Have you tried the new 'stop eating crap all the time' diet?"

"Have your people call my people" (business saying)

"Have you heard the one about the bad pole vaulter? It never goes over very well"

"Haven’t gotten anything done today. Been in the produce dept., trying to open this stupid bag"

"Haven't had sex in so long, I'm frying bacon just to get spat on"

"Having 2 incomes is better than 1 when buying a home so make sure your partner is working two jobs"

"Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport"

"Having a beer for breakfast is totally acceptable in an airport"

"Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I still wear underwear"

"Having a daughter is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you're rich"

"Having a favorite politician is like a slave having a favorite master"

"Having a garage sale is a great example of how, with many hours of planning and preparation..."

"Having a kid is like having a little broke best friend who thinks you're rich"

"Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness"

"Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness"

Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success ("haters" backronym)

"Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I've hit an all time low"

"Having Monday off is a great opportunity to hate Tuesday"

"Having more fun than a human being should be allowed to have"

"Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put clothes on and leave your house"

"Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house"

Hawaii: Aloha State (nickname)

Hawaii: "Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?"

Hawaii Five-O (Chinese dish)

Hawaii Four-O (Chinese dish)

Hawaii: "Why do Cyclops have trouble spelling Hawaii?"/"You need two 'i's.'"

Hawaiian Pizza (Toast Hawaii)

Hawk

Hawks (Hunter College teams)

"HBO Max implies the existence of HBO Ruby"

"He ain't fit to tote guts to a bear"

"He always knew he was a little different, but he let his light shine. Be more Rudolph"

"He broke into song because he couldn't find the key"

"He can jump out of the gym" (cliché said of athletic NBA, NFL draft prospect)

"He can run, but he can't hide" ("You can run, but you can't hide")

"He can take his'n and beat your'n, or take your'n and beat his'n" (coaching adage)

"He cast down ten commandments. The two most important are..." (TV news joke)

"He could rescue a child from drowning and you'd accuse him of starving the sharks" (meme)

"He could sell ice to an Eskimo" (a good salesman)

"He could sell sand in the Sahara desert" (a good salesman)

"He couldn't find a Jew in the Bronx"

"He couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a banjo"

"He couldn't sell watermelons with the highway patrol blocking traffic"

"He gave a fireside chat and the fire went out" (joke)

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire"

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious"

"He is a big clog in their machine"

"He is a man of his most recent word"

"He made so many of them" (Daily News Building quote)

"He/She makes coffee nervous" (a very energetic and nervous person)

"He may be a son of a bitch, but he's our son of a bitch"

"He may not be in a class by himself, but it doesn't take long to call the roll"

"he problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven't had any yet"

"He puts his pants on one leg at a time" (he's human)

"He said his non-alcoholic wine was delicious, I said he had no proof"

"He said, 'You remind me of a pepper pot.' I said, 'I'll take that as a condiment'"

"He should be left back...in the changing rooms" (soccer joke)

"He speaks English with the flawless imperfection of a New Yorker"

"He squeezes a nickel so tight the Indian cries" (he's cheap)

"He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams" (he's cheap)

"He stops, pops and it drops" (basketball phrase)

"He was addicted to cowboy line dancing and entered a two-step program"

"He was addicted to cowboy line dancing and entered a two-step program"

"He wears glasses during math because it improves division"

"He went on a cheese diet in order to cheddar few pounds"

"He who casts the first stone...isn't coming fishing again"

"He who controls the memes controls the universe"

"He who controls the memes controls the universe"

"He who controls the memes controls the world"

"He who controls the weather will control the world"

"He who dies with the most toys, still dies"

"He who dies with the most toys wins"

"He who eats ice cream in a car is a sundae driver"

"He who feels that he is too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito"

"He who forgets the language of gratitude can never be on speaking terms with happiness"

"He who frames the issue wins the debate"

"He who goes to bed hungry dreams of pancakes"

"He who has a thing to sell and goes and whispers in a well..."

"He who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree"

"He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next exit"

"He who indulges, bulges"

"He who is content with his lot probably has a lot"

"He who is without ovaries shall not make laws for those who do. Fallopians 5:12"

"He who kills time murders opportunity"

"He who opens a school door, closes a prison gate"

"He who reads the newspaper knows what's going on in the world. He who reads the Bible knows why"

"He who sells what isn't his'n, must buy it back or go to prison"

"He who speaks first loses" (negotiating adage)

"He who tampers with the currency robs labor of its bread"

"He who thanks with lips thanks but in part; the full, the true Thanksgiving comes from the heart"

"He who works with his hands and his head is a craftsman..."

Head-and-Shoulders Pattern

"Head in the oven, feet in the freezer" (statistician joke on "averaging")

"Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job"

"Head of lettuce. That must be a boring job"

"Head, shoulders, knees and toes" (exercise song)

"Headphones imply the existence of shoulderphones, kneephones, and toephones"

"Headphones on. World off"

"Headphones, shoulderphones, kneephones and toephones" (sung to "Head, shoulders, knees and toes")

"Heads, I win; Tails, the government will bail me out"

"Heads in beds" (hospitality saying)

"Heads or tails: The war machine wins"

"Heads, shoulders, knees and toes" (exercise song)

"Heal the past, live the present, dream the future"

"Health is not injected"

Health Sinner

Healther

Healthing (health + helping)

Healthonism (health + hedonism); Healthonist

"Healthy eagles come from America. Ill eagles come from Mexico"

"Healthy eating is a sign of self-respect"

"Hear about the narcoleptic Chinese cook? He was always sleep wokking"

"Hear it now, watch it tonight, read about it tomorrow" (radio-television-newspaper adage)

"Hear me out: a keg but for iced coffee"

"Heard ye ma’s an anti vaxxer, calls herself Mrs. Doubtpfizer"

"Heart attack in a bag"

"Heart attack in a bottle" ("Heart attack in a can")

"Heart attack on a bun" ("Cholesterol on a bun")

"Heart attack on a plate" ("Cholesterol on a plate")

"Heart attack on a rack" (biscuits and gravy)

"Heart attack on a stick" ("Cholesterol on a stick")

Heart Of Texas (H.O.T.)

Heart of the Hills (Kerrville slogan)

Heart of the Valley (Donna motto/slogan)

"Heart wants love. Soul wants peace. Body wants sex. Stomach wants tacos"

Heartbeat Loan

Heartbreak Hotel (Ramada Plaza JFK Hotel)

Heartbreak Hotel (Ramada Plaza JFK Hotel)

"Heat makes things expand, so I don't have a weight problem. I'm just hot"

"Heat makes things expand. So I don't have a weight problem, I'm just hot"

"Heat, Pressure, and Time. The three things that make a diamond, also make a waffle"

Heated Canine (jocular term for "hot dog")

Heaven and Hell Cake (angel food and devil's food)

"Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy. Hell has open borders"

"Heaven has a wall and strict immigration policies. Hell has open borders"

"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife"

"Heaven is where the cooks are French, the policemen are English, the mechanics are German..."

Heavenly Coffee (Not Chock Full O' Nuts?)

Heavenly Hash

Heavenly Houston (Houston nickname)

"Heavens to Betsy!" (exclamation)

Hebrew Brainwashing Organization (HBO nickname)

Hebrew Enemies (pork chops)

Hechsher

"Heck of a job, Brownie!" or "Heckuva job, Brownie!"

Hedgie

Hedgie Hive (15 Central Park West)

Heeler (Tammany Hall politics)

"Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to the kitchen I go. To grab a cup and fill it up. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho"

Heisman Trophy

Helicopter Drop or Helicopter Printing Press ("Helicopter Ben" Bernanke)

Helium City or Helium Capital of the World (Amarillo nickname)

"Helium walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Hell-bent for election"

"He'll do to ride the river with"

"Hell for breakfast" ("Hell-bent for breakfast")

"Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry"

"Hell hath no fury like a child whose sibling just pressed the elevator button"

"Hell hath no fury like a child whose sibling just pushed the elevator button"

"Hell hath no fury like a vested interest masquerading as a moral principle"

"Hell hath no fury like a vested interest parading as a moral principle"

"Hell hath no fury like a vested interest scorned"

Hell Mary (hell + Hail Mary pass; 2023 NY Jets football play)

Hell Paso (El Paso nickname)

Hell Square

"Hello, April. Please, be a month of rebirth, regrowth and renewal"

"Hello Brooklyn"

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you'll be here at 4 p.m." (October saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you'll be here at 5 p.m." (September saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Soon you'll start at 5 p.m." (September saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it's 4 p.m." (October saying)

"Hello darkness, my old friend. Why are you here, it's 5 p.m." (October saying)

Hello Dolly Squares (Hello Dolly Bars; Hello Dolly Cookies; Hello Dolly Cake; Hello Dollies)

"Hello, government? I'd like to unsubscribe from your 'service'"

"Hello, Monday, you bastard"

"Hello, poison control? I just drank unsweet tea"

"Hello, poison control? I just drank unsweet tea"

"Hello, poison control? I just drank unsweetened tea"

"Hello, sucker!" & "Give this little girl a big hand!" (Texas Guinan)

Hell's Bedroom

Hells Fargo or Hell's Fargo (Wells Fargo nickname)

Hell's Half Acre (Sands Street; Chatham Square)

Hell's Hundred Acres

Hell's Kitchen

Hell's Kitchener (inhabitant of Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan)

Hell's Kitchenette

Hell's Pantry

Hellsea (Hell's Kitchen + Chelsea)

Hellyweird (hell + weird + Hollywood)

Hellywood (hell + Hollywood)

"Help! I'm having a coincidence!!"

"help me, i am trapped/ in a haiku factory/ save me, before they"

"Help your friend on a diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn"

Hen Coop (the women's page) & the first advice column

Hen Fruit (eggs)

"Her (end of a date): We should have dinner again. Him: Thanks, but I'm full."

"Her: Let's meet for a drink and see where it goes!" (joke)

Herald Square and Times Square

Herb

"Herbal tea tastes so much better when it's coffee"

"Here Comes Mister Softee" (1959)

"Here Everything's Better" & "HEB-ing" or "Hebbing"

"Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin', giving birth to another Texan" (bathroom graffiti)

"Here in the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the porch and give it a cocktail"

"Here in the South, we don't hide crazy. We parade it on the porch and give it sweet tea"

"Here we fucking go again. I mean, good morning"

"Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi"

"Here's a house without a flaw" (real estate joke)

"Here's a joke for all you mind readers out there..."

"Here's a question for all you mind readers out there..."

"Here's a reminder before you lose your shit today. They don't serve alcohol in prison"

"Here's how!" & "Here's looking at you!" (drinking toast)

"Here's mud in your eye" (toast)

"Here's my take on high school reunions. If I haven't contacted you in the last 20 years..."

"Here’s to a long life and a merry one..." (toast)

"Here's to good women: May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them"

"Here's to our wives and girlfriends -- may they never meet!" (toast)

"Here’s to strong women: May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them"

"Here's to you and here's to me. May we never disagree" (toast)

"Here's to you and here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be" (toast)

"Here’s your Social Security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it"

Herf (draw on a cigar or cigarette)

Herkie Jump (or Herky Jump, after Lawrence Herkimer; incorrectly as Hurkie Jump or Hurky Jump)

Hero Ball (basketball style)

Hero Sandwich

"Heroes are made by the paths they choose, not the powers they are graced with"

"Heroes work here" (slogan)

Heroin Highway (Eighth Avenue; Long Island Expressway)

Heroin Island (heroin + Staten Island)

Herroner (her honor)

"Hershey's Kisses are just big chocolate chips"

"He's 20. In 10 years, he'll have a chance to be 30" (a bad young player)

"He's a master debater" (joke on "masturbator")

"He's got more guts than you can hang on a fence"

"He's making a list, chicken and rice..."

"He's smoking at a gas station because he's about to blow up!"

"He's so dumb, he stayed up all night studying for a urine test"

"He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front"

"Hey autocorrect, quit tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift"

"Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?" (socially distancing pickup line)

"Hey, bartender!"

"Hey, does anyone have a charger? My milk is only at 2%"

"Hey, don’t call me a cynic but I’m starting to think these blood drinking, moloch worshipping..

"Hey girl, are you a cop? Because you’ve taken my breath away"

"Hey girl, are you a parked car?" (joke)

"Hey girl, are you a parking ticket?" (joke)

"Hey girl, are you a piñata? Because I'd hit that" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, are you a school?" (NSFW joke)

"Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because if I took you home, it might kill my parents"

"Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because your smile is infectious" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you're breathtaking" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, are you in the proletariat? Because I feel an uprising in my lower class"

"Hey girl, do you have coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking atchoo" (pickup line)

"Hey girl, your name must be Moderna because you just made my heart stop"

"Hey girl, your name must be Pfizer because you just made my heart stop"

"Hey, hey! Ho, ho! (Person/thing) has got to go!" (protest chant)

"Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business again"

"Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open"

"Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?"/"No idea, they just ransomware."

"Hey, remember when you didn’t need coffee to function and buying jeans didn’t make you cry?"

"Hey, remember when you didn't need coffee to function and your back didn't hurt?"

"Hey, Rube!" (circus cry)

"Hey Siri, delete my belly"

"Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?"/"My name is ALEXA..."

"Hey there, Delilah. What's it like in New York City?"

"Hey there, Friday! Welcome back you sexy son of a bitch! We've been looking for you since Monday!"

"Hey there, Friday! You sexy beast. I've been looking for you since Monday"

"Hey vegans, my food poops on your food"

"Hey vegans, my food shits on your food"

"Hey vegetarians, my food poops on your food"

"Hey vegetarians, my food shits on your food"

"Hey, what are you doing in the supermarket?" (joke)

"Hey Walmart, don't be pissed at me for not scanning everything" (joke)

"Hi everybody, and a pleasant good evening to you, wherever you may be" (Vin Scully catchphrase)

"Hi Friday! I’ve been looking for you since Monday"

"HI, HOW ARE YOU" (Daniel Johnston artwork)

"Hi, I'd like to buy a cookie with chocolate chips."/ "Sorry, we only accept cash."

Hi Sign (Hidy Sign; One-Finger Wave; Medina Wave; Texas Finger Wave)

Hick Hop

"Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock..." (joke)

"Hickory dickory dock, two mice ran up the clock..." (joke)

Hide-and-Speak (electronic constituent communications)

"Hide from wind, run from water" (hurricane adage)

"High blood pressure implies the existence of high crip pressure"

High Finance

High Five Friday

High-rise

"High school bands go to football games, but football players don't attend band concerts"

"High school is like a free trial on education" (college joke)

"High school teams adjust next game; college teams next half; NFL teams next series"

High-Speed Swim Lane (HSSL or "hustle")

"High taxes don't redistribute income, they redistribute people"

High Tech Happy Hour (Low Tech Happy Hour)

"Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor."

Highest Town in Texas -- Where the Stars Come Out to Play (Fort Davis slogan)

Highlanders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

"Highlighter pens are the future. Mark my words"

Highly Trained Broadcast Specialist (radio talk show host)

Highway of Death (Texas State Highway 195)

Highway of Light (1920s air route, New York to San Francisco)

"Hill of beans" (idiom)

Hillbilly (Hill Billy)

Hilltoppers (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Hindenburg Omen

Hindoo or Hindu (a do-over)

Hindoo or Hindu (handball term)

Hip-Hop

"Hip hop onions are rap scallions"

Hip Hop Theater Festival

Hipchester (Williamsburg and Greenpoint)

Hippie Church ("gospel brunch" in Austin)

Hippie Punching

Hippie Roll or Hippy Roll (Eppie Roll or Eppy Roll)

Hippie Sandwich (Hippie Burger)

Hippie School (P.S.3-The Charrette School nickname)

"Hippies use side door" (restaurant sign)

Hippo Capital of Texas (Hutto nickname)

Hipster Express (Knowit Express buses from Brooklyn to Washington, DC nickname)

Hipster Express (L train nickname)

"Hipster ghosts are too ghoul for school"

Hipster Industrial Complex

Hipstrict (hipster + district)

Hipsturbia (hipster +suburbia)

"Hire character. Train skill"

"Hire for attitude, train for skills"

"Hire someone, fire someone, and rearrange the furniture" (a new CEO's tasks)

"Hire teenagers now, while they still know everything"

"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours"

"His limitations are limitless"

"His Prices Are Insane!" (Crazy Eddie)

"His shooting range starts when he enters the gym" (basketball saying)

Hispandering (Hispanic + pandering)

Hispennial (Hispanic + millennial)

Historic Harlem Parks Film Festival

"Historic preservationists make it last longer" (bumper sticker)

"History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme"

"History flows forward on rivers of beer"

"History is a set of lies agreed upon"

"Hit and don't get hit" (boxing axiom)

"Hit hard, run fast, turn left" (baseball/softball advice)

"Hit Sign, Win Suit" (Abe Stark's Clothing Store)

"Hit the books" (to study)

"Hit the gym" (to go to the gym to work out)

"Hit the spot" (satisfy hunger or thirst)

"Hit what you see and see what you hit" (football adage)

"Hitler wasn't all bad. After all, he did kill Hitler"

"Hits rock bottom. *adds Geologist to resume"

"Hitters don't hit home runs -- pitchers throw them" (baseball adage)

"Hitting is contagious" (baseball adage)

"Hitting is timing; pitching is upsetting timing" (baseball adage)

Hizzoner (his honor)

Hillmen (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Hoagie (sandwich)

Noah's Boy (ham)

"Hoarders suffer from 'stock home' syndrome"

Hoaxdemic (hoax + pandemic)

Hoaxiversary (hoax + anniversary)

Hoaxvid-19 (hoax + COVID-19)

HOBO (ham on bagel omelet)

Hoboken Special (pineapple soda and chocolate ice cream)

Hobowery (hobo + Bowery)

Hobowery (hobo + Bowery)

Hoboweryite (hobo + Boweryite)

"Hockey hair, don't care"

"Hockey is a dangerous sport last time I checked"

"Hockey is figure skating in a war zone"

"Hockey is for everyone" (NHL slogan)

"Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world's last Oreo"

"Hockey is technically a water sport"

Hockey on Horseback (polo nickname)

"Hockey players have fire in their hearts and ice in their veins"

Hockey Puck (a burger, especially a hamburger cooked "well done")

Hocto Dog or Hoctodog (octopus hot dog)

"Hocus pocus, I need coffee to focus"

Hodger

"How come 8 hours at home take 20 mins, but 8 hours at work take 6 days"

"How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"Just one, but it takes twelve visits."

Hoffman House (cocktail)

Hogtown (Toronto, Canada nickname)

HoHo (Houston + Holland Tunnel)

Hokey Pokey (ice cream)

"Hold all my calls. Someone on the internet disagrees with one of my tweets"

‘’Hold my bag of chips and coke while I google if raw milk is safe’’

"Hold my bag of chips & Mountain Dew while I google if raw milk is safe"

"Hold my chips and soda while I Google if raw milk is safe"

"Hold my Febreze and Doritos while I google if raw milk is safe"

Hold On Pain Ends ("hope" backronym)

"Holiday calories don't count"

Holiday Pounds

"Hollandaise is just mayonnaise made of ground up people from Holland"

"Hollandaise sauce is just hot mayonnaise"

"Hollandaise sauce is just mayonnaise that did a semester abroad"

"Hollandaise sauce is just warm mayonnaise"

Hollar-peño (holler + jalapeño)

Holler-peño (holler + jalapeño)

Hollow Prize

Hollyweird (Hollywood + weird)

Hollywood East (Astoria; Long Island City)

Hollywood North (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Hollywood on the Hudson (proposed Hudson River pier)

Hollywood South (New Orleans nickname)

"Hollywood's solution to fight online piracy: make movies so bad no one wants to watch them, even for free"

"Holy cow!" (Yankee announcer Phil Rizzuto catchphrase)

Holy Grail of Liberalism (tax increases)

"Holy guacamole!"; "Holy cannoli!"

"Holy jalapeño!"

"Holy mackerel!"

"Holy pepperoni!"

"Holy shiitake!"

Holy Shit Bank Corrupt (HSBC nickname)

Holy Shit Buffalo's Cold (HSBC nickname)

Holy Shit my Bank's Chinese (HSBC nickname)

Holy Trinity (onions, celery, bell peppers in Louisiana cuisine)

Hombre & Bad Hombre Eggs

Home Brainwashing Office (HBO nickname)

Home Cheapo (Home Depot nickname)

Home Despot (Home Depot nickname)

"Home fries imply the existence of away fries"

"Home invasions should decline. Everyone is at home with guns..."

"Home is where I can look and feel ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where my plants are"

"Home is where our story begins"

"Home is where the cat hair is"

"Home is where the cat hair sticks to everything but the cat"

"Home is where the cat hairs stick to everything... except the cat"

"Home is where the dog hair is"

"Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything but the dog"

"Home is where the dog hair sticks to everything except the dog"

"Home is where the free food is"

"Home is where the heart is"

"Home is where the mortgage is"

"Home is where the plants are"

"Home is where the tap water doesn't taste funny"

"Home is where the tap water doesn't taste like anything"

"Home is where the tap water doesn't taste weird"

"Home is where the tap water is tasteless"

"Home is where the tap water tastes good"

"Home is where the tap water tastes normal"

"Home is where the Wi-Fi connects automatically"

"Home is where you can look and feel ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where you can look ugly and enjoy it"

"Home is where you can trust the toilet seat is clean before you sit down"

"Home is where you poop most comfortably"

"Home is where you poop with the door open"

"Home is where you trust the toilet seat"

"Home is where your plants are"

Home of Happy Feet/The Track (Savoy Ballroom nicknames)

Home of Hilton's First Hotel (Cisco slogan)

"Home of the 7 oz. Burger" (Jackson Hole)

"Home of the free 72-oz. steak" (Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo)

Home of the Grapefruit (Mission slogan)

Home of the Haze (Washington Heights)

Home of the Hereford (Albany slogan)

Home of the Oatmeal Festival (Bertram slogan)

Home of the Painted Churches (Schulenburg nickname)

"Home of Warm Beer, Lousy Food, and an Ugly Owner" (Waterfront Ale House)

Home Office of Baseball (Yankee Stadium)

Home Run Apple

Home Run Apple (Shea Stadium & Citi Field, 1980-present)

"Home run hitters drive Cadillacs and singles hitters drive Fords"

"Home schooled kids still have school" (snow/virus school closure joke)

"Home schooling question: Does having your children fix your mixed cocktails count as chemistry?"

"Home, sweet home"

"Home sweet home office"

"Home, Sweet Home"

"Home Sweet Homeroom" ("Home Sweet Classroom")

"Home sweet office"

"HOME: Where the HO & ME come together"

"Homebrewing is my hobby; beer is my reward"

"Homeless are people are the best activists. They're always asking for change!"

"Homemade with love. In other words, I licked the spoon and kept using it"

"Homes are where jobs go at night"

"Homeschool Day One: Wondering how to get this kid transferred out of my class"

"Homeschooled kids miss out on being a gay communist"

"Homework: Because 7 hours of school wasn't enough"

"Homework: If it goes too easy, you're doing it wrong"

"Homework is mandatory unpaid overtime for school children"

"Homework is the school's version of unpaid overtime"

"Hominy, sir?"/"Oh, about four or five." (Northerner ordering grits)

Homo Set

Honest Politician (when bought, stays bought)

"Honestly, I don't mind leg day at the gym. It's just the two days after that I can't stand"

"Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age, it's my use of complete sentences when I text"

"Honestly, I’ve never seen anyone fall because of a banana peel"

"Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking"

"Honesty in politics is like oxygen -- the higher up you go, the scarcer it becomes"

"Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people"

"Honesty is not only morally right, it's also highly efficient"

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the best defense"

Honey Do List ("Honey, do this; honey, do that")

"Honey is the tastiest of all the insect vomits we have tried so far"

Honeymoon Salad (lettuce alone and no dressing)

Hong Kong Dragon Boat Festival

Hong Kong on the Hudson (Hudson Yards)

"Honk if a kid falls out" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if I'm an Aggie" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if I'm paying your mortgage" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if one of my kids flies out" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if parts fall off" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you love Jesus. Text if you want to meet him" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you love peace and quiet" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you see parts fall off" (bumper sticker)

"Honk if you think I'm sexy" (bumper sticker)

Honku (honk + hailku)

Honky Tonk (not from Tonk pianos)

Honorary Texan

Hoofer (a dancer)

"Hook "Em Horns" & "Hook 'Em Cows"

Hooker

"Hooker: Would you like super sex? Old Timer: I'll have the soup!"

Hoop-and-the-Harm (a basket and a foul shot)

"Hoover Hog," "Poor Man's Pig," "Poverty Pig" (armadillo nicknames)

"Hooverville" (1930)

Hope Bubble

"Hope is a lousy hedge" ("Hope is a poor hedge")

"Hope is your worst enemy in the market"

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

Hope Island (Broadway and West 47th Street, outside Palace Theatre)

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible"

"Hope they allow us off lockdown by July 4th, so we can celebrate our freedom"

"Hope this virus gets resolved before tick season starts, or we'll be dealing with Corona with Lyme"

"Hope you like my new recipe. They're called shut the fucupcakes"

"Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon. Shouldn't have eaten it, really"

Hoping your news is good news

Hopium (hope + opium)

Hopkins County Stew

Hoppin' John or Hopping John (Limping Kate; Limping Susan)

Horchata

"Horn broke -- watch for finger" (bumper sticker)

Horndog High (James Madison High School nickname)

Horrible Body Odor (HBO nickname)

Horrible Body Odour (HBO nickname)

Horrible Horseshoe & Hogan's Alley (Colonial Country Club, Fort Worth)

"Horrifying Vegetarians Since 1980" (The Post House)

"Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces"

Horse Ballet (dressage nickname)

"Horse high, bull strong, and pig tight" (qualities of a Texas fence)

"Horse meat burgers won't be around furlong"

Horse Opera

"Horse sense is what keeps horses from betting on people"

"Horsepower is what you read about, but torque is what you feel" (automotive saying)

"Horseradish is just American wasabi"

"Horseradish is just basically Jewish wasabi"

"Horseradish is just redneck wasabi"

"Horseradish is just white people wasabi"

"Horseradish is just cowboy wasabi"

"Horses can't read the tote board" (horse racing adage)

Horseshit Beach (Orchard Beach)

Horseshoe Sandwich

"Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were"

"Hospitals don't have patients; doctors have patients and hospitals have doctors"

"Hot air balloon lands in a field" (accountant/ economist/ mathematician joke)

Hot and Sour Soup

"Hot as fuque" or "Hõte ás fuqùe" ("hot as fuck")

Hot-Button Issue

"Hot chocolate is basically chocolate soup"

"Hot chocolate is like a hug from the inside"

Hot Chubbies (sausages by Nemecek Brothers of West, Texas)

"Hot cocoa is just chocolate soup"

"Hot coffee and cold winter mornings are two of the best soul mates"

"Hot diggety dog" ("Hot diggity dog")

Hot Dog Diplomacy

Hot Dog & Mustard

Hot Dog of the Sea (surimi nickname)

Hot Dog (Polo Grounds myth & a full etymology)

Hot Dog Roll (Hot Dog Bun; Vienna Roll)

Hot dog served with white gloves (myth)

Hot Doggery

Hot Dogs at Baseball Games

"Hot dogs, cold beer -- it's not complicated" (Schnack)

"Hot dogs taste better at the ball park"

"Hot dogs taste better when the home team wins"

"Hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk"

Hot Guts (Elgin, TX hot sausage)

Hot Hamburger

Hot Mineral Water City of Texas (Marlin nickname)

HOT! NYC Celebration of Queer Culture

"Hot Pockets are a poor man's stromboli"

"Hot Pockets are just dinner Pop-Tarts"

"Hot Pockets are just lunch Pop-Tarts"

"Hot Pockets are just meat Pop-Tarts"

"Hot Pockets are just mini strombolis"

"Hot Pockets are the poor man's calzone"

Hot Sauce Blue Cheese or Hot Sauce Bleu Cheese (HSBC nickname)

Hot Sauce Festival (Austin Chronicle)

"Hot sauce in my bag"

"Hot sauce is just angry ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just edgy ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just ketchup for adults"

"Hot sauce is just ketchup for grownups"

"Hot sauce is just Mexican ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just sexy ketchup"

"Hot sauce is just spicy ketchup"

"Hot sauce is traditionally served lukewarm"

"Hot sauce is typically served cold"

"Hot sauce is usually served at room temperature"

Hot Tub (Washington, D.C. nickname)

"Hotel — A place where you pay dollars for quarters"

"Hotel as Theater" (Royalton Hotel)

Hotel for Autos

Hotel Goldman (Embassy Suites nickname)

"Hotel lobbies must be the main place many people had their first experience with cucumber water"

"Hotel Manager: Did you rent the entire second floor to clowns? Me: It's a pretty funny story"

"Hotels offer you free breakfast not as a perk, but so that you get up and check out earlier"

Hotlanta

Hotteok (Korean sweet pancake)

"Hotter than a blister bug in a pepper patch" (very hot)

"Hotter than a firecracker on the Fourth of July" (very hot)

"Hotter than a jalapeño's armpit" (very hot)

"Hotter than a jalapeño's armpit" (very hot)

"Hotter than a Laredo parking lot" (Dan Rather, election night 2000)

"Hotter than a meth pipe on payday" (very hot)

"Hotter Than a Stolen Tamale;" "Hotter Than a Fur Coat in Marfa"

"Hotter than a Times Square Rolex" (very hot)

"Hotter than donut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than donut grease at a fat man convention" (very hot)

"Hotter than donut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than doughnut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than doughnut grease at a fat man convention" (very hot)

"Hotter than doughnut grease" (very hot)

"Hotter than noon on the Fourth of July" (very hot)

"Hotter than the Fourth of July" (very hot)

Hotumn (hot + autumn)

House of Corruption (UK House of Commons nickname)

House of Countless Drops (bar)

House of Death (14 West 10th Street)

House of Reprehensibles (House of Representatives nickname)

"House salad implies the existence of a drum and bass salad"

"House salad implies the existence of apartment salad"

"House to let, inquire within; people turned out for drinking gin"

"House wine should be on the house"

Housemade

"Housework, if you do it right, will kill you"

"Housing IS the business cycle"

Houston Barnacle or Houston Barnicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Chronic (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Comical (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Crummyicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston Hot Sauce Festival

"Houston is actually an hour away from Houston"

"Houston is an hour away from Houston"

"Houston is Los Angeles with the climate of Calcutta" (Molly Ivins?)

"Houston is two hours away from Houston"

"Houston. It's Worth It"

Houston Lite or Baby Houston

Houston Moronicle (Houston Chronicle nickname)

Houston North or Houston of the North or Little Houston (Calgary nickname)

Houston Pest (Houston Post nickname)

"Houston Proud"

Houston Roll (sushi)

Houston Street (Texas "Hew-ston/Heuston" or New York City "House-ton/Howston")

Houston (summary)

Houston (Texas "Hew-ston/Heuston" or New York City "House-ton/Howston")

"Houston -- The Real Texas"

"Houston, we have a problem"

Houstonian (inhabitant of Houston)

Houstonite (inhabitant of Houston)

Houstonize ("Don't Houstonize Austin")

"Houston's Hot"

Houston's Plymouth Rock & Houston's Heart (Allen's Landing)

"How about that!" (Yankee announcer Mel Allen catchphrase)

"How about them cookies?"

How am I doing?

"How are an apple and a lawyer alike?" (lawyer joke)

"How are genders like the Twin Towers?" (joke)

"How are you going to fight me with a block of cheese?"/"It's extra sharp."

"How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?"

"How 'bout them Cowboys?"

"How can a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune & Halloween costume make something tasty?"

"How can anyone not love New York?"

"How can I install Dominion on my bank account?" (Dominion Voting Systems joke)

"How can politicians represent you when they are given millions to represent someone else?"

"How can radio stations claim to play today's best music when today's music sucks?"

"How can the government 'buy back' my guns? They never owned them"

"How can they both be right?"/"You're right, too."

"How can we have world peace when we can't even have Coke and Pepsi in the same restaurant?"

"How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?" (riddle)

"How can you find the Easter bunny?"/"Eggs (x) marks the spot."

"How can you get rich by eating?"/"Eat fortune cookies."

"How can you get rich by eating?"/"Eat fortune cookies."

"How can you get to see the official bird of New York City?"/"Cut someone off."

"How can you help a starving cannibal?"/"Give them a hand."

"How can you make a turkey float?"/"Get 2 ice cream scoops, root beer and a turkey."

"How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?" (riddle)

"How can you tell economists have a sense of humor?"/"They use decimal points."

"How can you tell good cops from bad cops?"/"Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge."

"How can you tell if a fish is a Swedish fish?"/"It only has Finns on one side."

"How can you tell if a guy singing karaoke is a plumber?"/"By how he uses his fauceto."

"How can you tell if a rice cake is stale?"

"How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?"/"The bow is moving."

"How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?"/"He's Dublin over with laughter!"

"How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?"/"By the bark."

"How can you tell the truth is being told? Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it..."

"How can you tell time if clocks don’t have ears?"

"How can you tell when a lawyer is well hung" (lawyer joke)

"How can you tell when a politician is lying? His lips are moving!"

"How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?"/"When the other tenors notice."

"How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert?"/"He stares at YOUR shoes when he talks to you."

"How can you tell which one of your friends got a good Black Friday deal?" (joke)

"How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How come alcohol never kills brain cells that make me want to drink?"

"How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?"

"How come, if ants are always so busy, they always get time to show up at picnics?"

"How come if ants are always so busy they always get time to show up at picnics?"

"How come liquor stores don't have empty shelves? People are about to be quarantined with spouses"

"How come married women are heavier than single women?" (joke)

"How come so many small towns are named after water towers?"

"How come, when my wife says 'we need to talk,' it's never about football?"

"How come 'you're a peach' is a compliment but 'you're bananas' is an insult?"

"How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?"/"He prawned everything."

"How December 2020 is going to look like: 'Merry Crisis and a Happy New Fear'"

"How did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?"

"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?" (restaurant joke)

"How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for his birthday?"/"He felt his presents."

"How did Flori die?"/"She died in Missouri."

"How did Mussolini win the race?"/"He was the fascist."

"How did rich people get their money?"/"They were calm and collected."

"How did Santa kill a dragon?"/"He sleighed it."

"How did Scrooge win the football game?"/"The ghost of Christmas passed!"

"How did the banker die?"/"He cashed out."

"How did the blonde die drinking milk?"/"The cow fell on top of her."

"How did the butcher introduce his wife?"/"Meat Patty!"

"How did the cheesemaker paint his wife?"/"He Double Gloucester."

"How did the egg cross the road?"/"It scrambled across."

"How did the eggs leave the highway?"/"They went through the 'eggs-it'."

"How did the eggs leave the highway?"/"They went through the 'eggs-it'."

"How did the Eskimo build his house?"/"Igloo-d it together."

"How did the gingerbread man wind up with one leg?"/"He lost the other in Nom."

"How did the hipster burn his tongue?" (joke)

"How did the hipster drown?"/"He went ice skating before it was cool."

"How did the Irish jig get started?"/"Lots of beer and only one bathroom."

"How did the jury find the hamburger?"/"Grill-ty as charred."

"How did the math teacher kill himself?"/"He used a hypotenuse."

"How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?"/"It hugged the shore."

"How did the old French cheese-maker die?"/"From age."

"How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?"

"How did the programmer die in the shower?"/"The shampoo bottle read: Lather. Rinse. Repeat."

"How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?"/"He could feel it in his bones."

"How did the vegan fix her flat?"/"A spare I guess."

"How did the wine glass get home?"/"A cab."

"How did the wine glass get home?"/"A cab."

"How did the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?"/"He was dead lifting."

"How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented?"

"How did Wendy die?"/"The Baconator."

"How did you become a star?" (joke)

"How did you find the weather on your vacation?"/"I just went outside and there it was."

"How did you find your steak?" (joke)

"How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?"/"They carry the one."

"How do bees get to school?"/"On the school buzz."

"How do brackish fish communicate?"/"Using tilapiathy."

"How do bunnies stay healthy?"/"Eggercise."

"How do bunnies stay in shape?"/"Hareobics."

"How do chickens dance?"/"Chick to chick."

"How do comedians send messages?"/"By tee-hee mail."

"How do communists measure time?"/"Ours."

"How do Communists tell time?"/"Ours."

"How do construction workers party?"/"They raise the roof."

"How do cops like their coffee?"/"Black with a couple of shots in it."

"How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?"/"They twerk from home."

"How do dentists pay for their lawyers?"/"Retainers."

"How do dog catchers get paid?"/"By the pound."

"How do elves eat their pancakes?"/"In short stacks."

"How do fish celebrate Christmas?"/"By hanging reefs on the door."

"How do fish lose weight?"/"They Swim-fast."

"How do fishermen get jobs?"/"Networking."

"How do flags greet each other on a windy day?"/"They wave."

"How do German breads greet each other?/"By saying 'Gluten Tag!'"

"How do ghosts like their eggs?"/"Terri-fried."

"How do ghosts obtain money?"/"Via a polterheist."

"How do hedge fund workers jerk off?"/"They give it a short squeeze."

"How do hedge fund workers masturbate?"/"They give it a short squeeze."

"How do hens encourage their football teams?"/"They egg them on."

"How do I like my eggs? Umm, in a cake"

"How do I stop eating chips and salsa? Do they run out...or do I die...or what?"

"How do I take my coffee? Seriously. Very seriously"

"How do I tell time when clocks have no ears?"

"How do Indian restaurants stay open without their naan essential staff?"

"How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so shiny?"/"They use Kernel Sanders."

"How do KFC get their popcorn chicken so smooth?"/"They use Kernel Sanders."

"How do knights communicate?"/"Chain mail."

"How do know a clarinet player is playing loud?"/"You can almost hear them."

"How do locomotives hear?"/"Through the engineers."

"How do mathematicians scold their children?"/"If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times

"How do Mexican keep warm?"/"They use chicken for heaters."

"How do mountains hear?"/"With mountaineers."

"How do mountains see?"/"They peak."

"How do mountains stay warm?"/"Snowcaps."

"How do Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head solve their arguments?"/"They hash it out."

"How do parents lose their kids in a mall?! Seriously. Any tips welcome"

"How do pastors make orange juice?"/"They pulpit."

"How do pirates communicate with each other?"/"With an aye phone."

"How do pirates pay for a round of rum down at the pub?"/"With bar-nickels."

"How do preachers make orange juice?"/"Pulpit."

"How do snowmen travel around?"/"By icicle."

"How do they charge you in a Chinese restaurant?"/"Perpetuate."

"How do they figure out the price of hammers?"/"Per pound."

"How do they have their pasta in Hell?"/"Al Dante."

"How do trains drink?"/"They chug."

"How do trains drink?"/"They chug."

"How do trees feel in the spring?"/"Releaved."

"How do trees get on the internet?"/"They log in."

"How do weathermen get up a mountain?"/"They climate."

"How do you ask out a D&D player?"/"Ask them for a D8."

"How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?"/"President Ben Franklin walks into a bar..."

"How do you begin a politically incorrect joke?"/"President Ben Franklin walks into a bar...'"

"How do you break into a house?"/"Intruder window."

"How do you catch a drummer?"/"With a snare."

"How do you catch a school of fish?"/"With a bookworm."

"How do you color a cactus?"/"With a Sharpie."

"How do you convert an atheist to a theist?"/"Just give them a little space."

"How do you cook a crocodile?"/"In a 'croc' pot."

"How do you cook duck eggs?"/"You quack them open."

"How do you cook kidneys?"/"Boil the piss out of them."

"How do you cook toilet paper?"/"Brown it on one side, then throw it in the pot."

"How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?" (flute joke)

"How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?"/"Apply the pumpkin patch."

"How do you decorate a canoe for Christmas?"/"With oar-naments."

"How do you divide 20 potatoes among 6 people?"/"Boil them and mash them."

"How do you do the wave at a chess match?"/"With your eyebrows."

"How do you drown a hipster?"/"In the mainstream."

"How do you eat an elephant?"/"One bite at a time"

"How do you end a prayer to the Noodle God?"/"Ramen."

"How do you feed 1000 people with one loaf of bread? Cut the ends and now you have endless bread"

"How do you feel about canned food? Personally, I'd give it an ate out of tin"

"How do you fix a broken pizza?"/"Tomato paste."

"How do you fix a broken sousaphone?"/"With a tuba glue."

"How do you fix a broken tuba?"/"With a tuba glue."

"How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?"/"With a pumpkin patch."

"How do you get a farm girl to like you?"/"A tractor."

"How do you get a French waiter's attention?"/"Start ordering in German."

"How do you get a grandmother to swear?"/"Have another say 'Bingo!'"

"How do you get a guitarist to turn down the volume?" (joke)

"How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?" (lawyer joke)

"How do you get a parrot to talk properly?"/"Send him to polytechnic."

"How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?"/"Unzip it."

"How do you get an actor off your front porch?" (joke)

"How do you get an actor to complain?"/"Give him a job."

"How do you get an elephant out of the theater?"/"You can't. It's in his blood."

"How do you get gold's attention?"/"You yell Au."

"How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?"/"You column."

"How do you get into college?"/"Through the door."

"How do you get rid of a fat ghost in a house?"/"You exercise it."

"How do you get rid of a boomerang?"/"Throw it down a one-way street."

"How do you get to Carnegie Deli?" (joke)

"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" (joke)

"How do you handle a dangerous cheese?"/"Caerphilly."

"How do you inspect Greek food?"/"With a gyroscope."

"How do you insult a hamburger patty?"/"Call it a meatball!"

"How do you keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer?"/"Invite two of them."

"How do you keep a dog from barking in your front yard?"/"Put him in your back yard."

"How do you keep a violin from getting stolen?"/"Put it in a viola case."

"How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?"/"You take away its tiny brooms."

"How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?"/"You take away its tiny brooms."

"How do you kill a coffee bean?"/"By decaf-itation."

"How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one"

"How do you know if someone invests in crypto?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if someone is a vegan?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?"

"How do you know if someone is holding cryptocurrency?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if someone is vaccinated?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know if there's a lead singer outside your door?" (joke)

"How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes?"/"Have you ever seen rabbits wearing glasses?"

"How do you know when a drummer is at your door?" (joke)

"How do you know when a liberal is really dead?'/"His heart stops bleeding."

"How do you know when a website is lying? It ends in dot gov"

"How do you know when Dracula catches Coronavirus?"/"When he's always coffin."

"How do you know when Santa is in the room?"/"You can sense his presents."

"How do you know when someone is a Bitcoin enthusiast?"/"Don't worry, they'll tell you."

"How do you know when the stage is level?"/"Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth."

"How do you know when the weather is entertained?"/"When the thunder claps."

"How do you know when your girlfriend is getting too fat?"/"She fits in your wife's clothes."

"How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?"/"When it has hares in it."

"How do you like school, Billy?"/"Closed."

"How do you like them apples?"

"How do you make a bandstand?"/'Take away their chairs."

"How do you make a Belgian waffle?"/"Ask him why they have never won the World Cup."

"How do you make a Black Russian?"/"Get the BBC to remake Dr. Zhivago."

"How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?"/"Tell her a joke on Wednesday."

"How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?"/"Tell her a joke on Friday."

"How do you make a cheese puff?"/"Chase it around the kitchen."

"How do you make a cheeseburger sad?"/"Make it with blue cheese."

"How do you make a cream puff?"/"Chase it around the block."

"How do you make a fruit cordial?" (joke)

"How do you make a hamburger laugh?"/"Pickle it gently."

"How do you make a hot dog stand?"/"Take away its chair."

"How do you make a lemon puff?"/"Chase it round the garden."

"How do you make a motherboard?"/"Tell her a long and pointless story."

"How do you make a musician complain?"/"Give him a gig."

"How do you make a pancake smile?"/"Butter him up."

"How do you make a potato puff?"/"Chase it around the garden."

"How do you make a rabbit stew?"/"Make it wait for three hours."

"How do you make a salad wrap?"/"Add some beets."

"How do you make a sausage roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make a slow worker fast?"/"Don't give him anything to eat for a while."

"How do you make a spring roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make a Swiss roll?"/"Push him down a hill."

"How do you make a tissue dance?"/"Put a little boogie in it."

"How do you make a tuna melt?" (joke)

"How do you make a Venetian blind?"/"Poke him in the eye."

"How do you make a violin sound like a viola?"/"Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes."

"How do you make a violin sound like a viola?"/"Sit in the back and don't play."

"How do you make a walnut laugh?"/"Crack it up!"

"How do you make an actor moan?"/"Give them a job."

"How do you make an apple puff?"/"Chase it around the garden."

"How do you make an egg roll?"/"Push it."

"How do you make an electric car go faster?"/"A tow truck."

"How do you make an elephant float?"/"Just add ice cream."

"How do you make an idiot laugh on Boxing Day?"/"Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve."

"How do you make an Italian wine?"/"Kick him in the shins."

"How do you make bourbon?"/"You take some moonshine, put it in a barrel..."

"How do you make Easter easier?"/"Replace the t with an i."

"How do you make extra virgin olive oil?"/"Use extra ugly olives."

"How do you make hard cider?"/"Put it in the freezer."

"How do you make Manischewitz wine?"/"Kick him in the nuts."

"How do you make rice wine cold?"/"Remove the 'r.'"

"How do you make strange bread?"/"Use weirdough."

"How do you make Swiss cheese?"/"With a holey cow."

"How do you milk chocolate?"

"How do you milk sheep?"/"With iPhone accessories."

"How do you order food at a Muslim restaurant?"/"Allah carte."

"How do you photoshop yourself and still look ugly? That's like cheating on a test & still failing"

"How do you pronounce the name of this place?" (Mexia)

"How do you protect a valuable instrument?"/"Hide it in an accordion case."

"How do you repair a damaged Toll Booth?"/"Toll Gate Booth Paste."

"How do you reset your body back to factory settings? Is it kale? It’s kale, isn’t it?"

"How do you prevent a summer cold?"/"Catch it in the winter."

"How do you save a drowning lawyer?" (lawyer joke)

"How do you say goodbye in Arabic?"/"BOOM!"

"How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?"/"Buenos Nachos!"

"How do you say thank you to a New York sushi chef?"/"Gracias."

"How do you scare a snowman?"/"You get a hairdryer!"

"How do you separate church and state when the state is your church?"

"How do you shock chicken broth?"/"With a soup-rise."

"How do you spell candy with two letters?"/"C and Y."

"How do you spot a glacier?"/"You have to have good ice sight."

"How do you start a pudding race?"/"Sago."

"How do you start a rice pudding race?"/"Sago."

"How do you steam clams?"/"Make fun of their religion."

"How do you stop a dog from barking in the back yard?"/"Put it in the front yard."

"How do you stop a dog from barking in the street?"/"Put him in a barking lot!"

"How do you stop a dog howling in the back of a car?"/"Put him in the front."

"How do you stop an elephant from charging?" (joke)

"How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?"/"Hide their trainers."

"How do you stop your laptop batteries from running out?"/"Hide their trainers."

"How do you support a werewolf's YouTube channel?"/"Lycan subscribe."

"How do you survive an Irish vampire?"/"Repel him with Gaelic."

"How do you tell a male door from a female door?"/"One's got a ding-dong, the other has knockers."

"How do you tell a proper joke about eating?"/"In jest."

"How do you tell if a person is a level-headed country boy?"/"Snuff runs out of both sides."

"How do you tell vaccinated from unvaccinated if they aren't wearing masks?" (joke)

"How do you think the unthinkable?"/"With an itheberg."

"How do you tickle a rich girl?"/"Say 'Gucci Gucci Gucci!'"

"How do you tune a fish?"/"With its scales."

"How do you tune a fish?"/"With its scales."

"How do you turn a bee into an atheist?"/"You smack the beejesus out of them."

"How do you turn a T into a P?"/"Drink it."

"How do you turn milk into cheese?"/"Put it in solid dairy confinement."

"How do you turn soup into gold?"/"Add 24 carrots."

"How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?"/"Turn off the light."

"How do you unlock a haunted house?"/"With a skeleton key."

"How do you make a cheese puff?"/"Chase it around the block."

"How do zombies do well in school?"/"They eat lots of brain food."

"How do zombies do well in school?"/"They eat lots of brain food."

"How does a capitalist text?"/"BY YELLING."

"How does a caveman like his drink?"/"On the rocks."

"How does a computer get drunk?"/"It takes screen shots."

"How does a computer get drunk?"/"It takes screenshots."

"How does a computer learn new things?"/"Bit by bit."

"How does a cowboy start his day?"/"He reboots."

"How does a cucumber become a pickle?"/"It goes through a jarring experience."

"How does a flat earther travel the world?"/"On a plane."

"How does a French woman hold her liquor?"/"By the ears."

"How does a hotel room taste?"/"Suite."

"How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars?"/"By starting out with two million dollars.

"How does a kaiju find a home?"/"Through Godzillow."

"How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?"/"Attorney-kit."

"How does a non-binary ninja kill someone?"/"They/Them."

"How does a non-binary samurai kill people?"/"They/Them."

"How does a physicist exercise?"/"By pumping ion."

"How does a rich girl curse?"/"Oh teri Fendi."

"How does a rich girl fart?"/"Praadaa praadaaa."

"How does a rich girl sneeze?"/"Jimmy Choo!"

"How does a southerner ask for money from a bank?"/"With drawl."

"How does a turkey drink her wine?"/"In a gobble-let."

"How does a vegetable win a fight?"/"With carrot-y."

"How does an apothecary pleasure his wife?"/"Elixir."

"How does an attorney sleep?" (lawyer joke)

"How does an eggplant get to work?"/"In an Uber-gine"

"How does an orthodontist hire a lawyer?"/"He puts him on a retainer."

"How does Bigfoot know what time it is?"/"He looks at his Sasquatch."

"How does Darth Vader like his coffee?"/"Black."

"How does Darth Vader like his coffee?"/"Lukewarm."

"How does Darth Vader like his coffee?"/"On the dark side."

"How does Easter end?"/"With the letter R."

"How does gold get your attention?"/"It shouts Au!"

"How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?"/"One that's deep pan, crisp and even."

"How does Moses make his tea?"/"Hebrews it."

"How does NASA organize their company parties?"/"They planet."

"How does North Korea celebrate Christmas?"/"With missile tows."

"How does one 'milk chocolate'?"

"How does one milk chocolate almonds?"

"How does Santa Claus prevent himself from getting coronavirus?"/"He uses santatizer."

"How does Santa get his reindeer to fly?"/"He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!"

"How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?"/"He keeps a log book."

"How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?"

"How does the man in the moon cut his hair?"/"Eclipse it."

"How does the man on the moon cut his hair?"/"Eclipse it."

"How does the Pope get around New York City?"/"Mass transit."

"How does this restaurant prepare the chicken?" (joke)

"How far is it from midtown and how late is it open?" (existential New York question)

"How hard could it be?" (2006 Kinky Friedman campaign slogan for governor)

"How is a baseball team like a pancake?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"How is a baseball team like a pancake?"/"They both need a good batter!"

"How is a drum solo like a sneeze?" (ioke)

"How is credit like cocaine?"/"Everyone needs just one more line."

"How is hunting a sport when the other team doesn't know they're playing?"

"How is soy sauce black and soy milk white when soybeans are green?"

"How it feels to click the tongs twice before you start grilling" ("I have the power!")

"How late does the band play?" (joke)

"How long before Manwich is deemed offensive and called gender neutral meat sauce?"

"How long do chickens work?"/"Around the cluck."

"How long do chickens work?"/"Around the cluck."

"How long does it take to eat a tire?"/"A good year."

"How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?"/"Nobody knows."

"How long have you been chopping wood for?"/"I'm not sure, I'll check the logs."

"How long have you been working at that office?"/"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

"How long have you been working for the company?"/"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."

"How long will the next bus be?"/"Same length as this one."

"How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many Aggies/Texans does it take to eat an armadillo?"

"How many altos does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"To get to the other side!"

"How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?"/"Tenants."

"How many apples grow on a tree?/"All of them."

"How many Austinites does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many bathroom-window curtains must die needlessly to clothe golfers?"

"How many beers does it take for tropical birds to get drunk?"/"Toucans."

"How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many bones are in a human body?"/"Usually, all of them."

"How many bones are in the human foot?"/"All of them."

"How many bones are in your hand?"/"A handful."

"How many bones are in your head?"/"All of them."

"How many cabal members does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?"/"Only one, but it takes nine visits"

"How many citrus fruits does it take to kill a pirate?"/"None."

"How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!"

"How many college freshmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"/None. The Illuminati did it!"

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"Do your own research."

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"The real question is..."

"How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"/"We may never know the truth."

"How many cooks does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many cooks does it take to stuff a turkey?" (joke)

"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"None. They just beat the room for being black."

"How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?"/"None. He fell."

"How many cranberries grow on a bush?"/"All of them."

"How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?"/"Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!"

"How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?" (riddle)

"How many donkeys are there in NYC?"/"Five burros."

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb?"/"None, they prefer natural light."

"How many frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"None, they prefer Natural Light."

"How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"FORE!"

"How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"FOUR, but they wrote three."

"How many good cops does it take to change a light bulb?" (riddle)

"How many good cops does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole?"/"Avocado's number."

"How many guitars does a guitar player need?"/"Just one more."

"How many guitars does a guitarist need?"/"Just one more"

"How many hamburgers can you eat on an empty stomach?" (riddle)

"How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"Why does it have to be a group activity?"

"How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?"/"Never enough."

"How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?" (lawyer joke)

"How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (lawyer joke)

"How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many lives were saved by taping arrows to the floors of supermarket aisles?"

"How many Lowe's would Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe's"

"How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?" (Joke)

"How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many months have 28 days?" (riddle)

"How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many NCAA players does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many NCAA players does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many Nintendo fans does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"They’re playing the switch."

"How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1? or 2?"

"How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many people died on the Titanic?"/"A boatload."

"How many people work here?" / "Oh, about half." (joke)

"How many people work in the Pentagon?" (joke)

"How many personal-injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?" (lawyer joke)

"How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many politicians would it take to save the world?" (joke)

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?"/"None."

"How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many protesters does it take to change a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?"

"How many sides does a ball have?"/"Two -- the inside and the outside."

"How many ska bands does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (Joke)

"How many ska kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many ska musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (joke)

"How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?" (joke)

"How many stars are in the sky?"/"All of them."

"How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?"/"A fish."

"How many teachers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" (riddle)

"How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?"/"None. They can't reach that high."

"How much citrus does it take to kill a pirate?"/"None."

"How much did Santa's sleigh cost?"/"Nothing, it was on the house."

"How much dip would a dipshit shit if a dipshit could shit dip?"

"How much do s'mores weigh?"/"At least a couple grahams."

"How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?"/"About 15 minutes."

"How much do you spend on a bottle of wine?"/"About half an hour."

"How much does a bikini wax cost?"/"A Brazilian dollars."

"How much does a bottled soft drink cost?"/"About a dollar a pop, soda speak."

"How much does a dumpling weigh?"/"Wonton."

"How much does a hipster weigh?"/"An Instagram."

"How much does a pirate pay for corn?"/"A buccaneer."

"How much does a rainbow weigh?"/"Not much, they're actually pretty light."

"How much does it cost to get married?" (joke)

"How much flu would a flu shot stop if a flu shot could stop flu?"

"How much of the cake did the sword want?"/"Just a slice."

"How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?"/"About 30 minutes."

"How much space do fungi need to grow?"/"As mushroom as possible."

"How much to buy a singing ensemble?" (choir joke)

"How much weed am I supposed to put in this chicken pot pie?"

"How often do planes crash?"/"Just once."

"How often does a plane crash?"/"Only once."

"How often should you wear gloves in the winter?"/"Intermittenly."

"How old were you when you learned that BAR stood for Beer & Alcohol Room?"

"How rich are garbage men?"/"Filthy."

How Staten Island got its name ("Is that an island?" joke)

"How sweet it is!" & Brooklyn street signs

"How the cow ate the cabbage"

"How the days feel: Mooooooonday Tueeeeeesday Weednesday Thuursday Friday Strdy S"

"How the FUCK did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?"

"How the heck do you milk chocolate?"

"How the HELL did a generation raised on South Park and Family Guy become so offended by everything?"

"How to approach me with your bullshit: don't"

"How to cook crack and clean a crab. Step one: Use commas"

"How to do math: 1. Write down the problem 2. Cry"

"How to dress for cold weather: 1. take your pants off 2. get back into bed"

"How to eat Peeps: Throw them in the trash"

"How to enjoy pumpkin beer. Step 1: Throw it in the trash"

"How to fall down stairs" (a step-by-step guide)

"How to make a small fortune on Wall Street" (start with a large one)

"How to make holy water -- boil the hell out of it"

"How to say I hate you in a nice way? 'You are the Monday of my life'"

"How to sleep faster: Decorate your bedroom to look like a classroom"

"How to start an argument online: 1. Express an opinion. 2. Wait"

"How to start an argument online: 1. Say something. 2. That's about it"

"How to stop eating during quarantine: Put on your swimsuit instead of your pajamas"

"How to tell if an orange likes to party?"/"Just Invitamin-C."

"How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some headphones in your pocket 2) wait one minute"

"How to vent on Facebook. Step 1: Don't. We are all depressed, broke and fat... not just you"

"How to vent on Facebook. Step 1: Don't. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat"

"How to vent on social media. Step 1: Don’t. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat"

"How to vent on Twitter. Step 1: Don’t. We are all either depressed, divorced, broke or fat"

"How was the hamburger murdered?"/"First it was 'rolled,' then smothered in onions."

Howard Beacher (inhabitant of Howard Beach. Queens)

Howdy Arabia (Texas nickname)

Howdy ("Howdy, Pardner!")

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results"

HOWL! (Festival of East Village Artists)

Howlapeño (howl + jalapeño)

Howlers (Jalapeño Howlers or Texas Howlers)

"How's my driving?" (bumper sticker)

"How's my running? Call 1-800-EAT-DUST"

"How's the Italian food in this restaurant?"/"Good. Try the veal. It's the best in the city."

"How's the New Year going?"/"Shofar, so good."

"How's the weather up there?" (said to a tall person)

"How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it 'already' 2:00pm or 'only' 2:00pm?"

"How's your rabbit food?"/"How's your vulture food?"

Huaraches (sandal- or shoe-shaped Mexican appetizers)

Hub of the Plains (Lubbock nickname)

"Hubby and I exchanged Valentine's Day cards at the store. Then we put them back on the rack"

Huckdummy (Hucky Dummy)

"Huckleberries imply the existence of sawyerberries"

Hudson Heights

Hudson Mustache

Hudson River Ale (water)

Hudson River: American Rhine (Hudson River nickname)

Hudson River Crawl

Hudson River Derby or New York Derby (New York Red Bulls vs. New York City FC)

Hudson River Rivalry or Battle of the Hudson River (New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers)

Hudson River Rivalry or Battle of the Hudson River (New Jersey Nets vs. New York Knicks)

Hudson Square

Huevos Rancheros (Ranch Eggs)

Huffing Paint Post (Huffington Post nickname)

Huffington Joke (Huffington Post nickname)

Huffington Poop or Huff Poop or HuffPoop (HuffPost nickname)

"Hug your kids at home, but belt them in the car"

"Huge financial burden on board" (bumper sticker)

Huggins' Sluggers (New York Yankees nickname)

Hugmen (New York Yankees nickname)

Hug's Men (New York Yankees nickname)

Hug's Sluggers (New York Yankees nickname)

Human Chop Shop (Planned Parenthood nickname)

Human Google (New York Public Library help desk nickname)

Human High Tide

"Human milk is for baby humans. Cow milk is for baby cows. Almond milk is for baby almonds"

"Human rights: Know them, demand them, defend them"

"Human statue street performers can be made to move by taking money out of the hat"

"Humanity runs on coffee"

"Humans are the only animal to drink the milk of another species"

"Humans doing the hard jobs on minimum wage while the robots write poetry and paint..."

"Humans eat more bananas than monkeys" (joke)

"Humid weather is like walking through soup"

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less"

Hummingbird Cake

Hummus

"Hummus is just chickpea guacamole"

"Hummus is just Greek guacamole"

"Hummus is just Jewish guacamole"

"Hummus is Mediterranean guacamole"

"Hummus is really just pita butter"

"Hummus is the guacamole of the Middle East"

Hump Day

"Hump Day: not as depressing as Monday, not as exciting as Friday"

"Hump Day Wednesday: not as depressing as Monday, not as exciting as Friday"

Hungarian Boulevard or Hungarian Broadway (East 79th Street in Yorkville)

"Hungry isn’t even a feeling for me anymore…it’s basically a personality trait"

"Hunting is easier for vegans because it's easier to sneak up on plants"

Huntsvegas (Huntsville nickname)

Hurricane Cocktail (Hurricane Punch)

"Hurry up and pass out the test before I forget everything!"

"Husband and I went grocery shopping with masks, got home, took off masks...wrong husband!"

Hush Puppies

"Hush puppies are just American falafel"

"Hush puppies are just redneck falafel"

"Hush puppies are just Southern falafel"

"Hustle for that muscle"

Hustle Town or Hustletown (Houston nickname)

"Hustle until you no longer have to introduce yourself"

"Hustle until you no longer need to introduce yourself"

"Hustle until your haters ask if you're hiring"

Huttoan (inhabitant of Hutto)

"Hydrate to dominate"

"Hydro Flasks with straw lids are just adult sippy cups"

"Hydroflasks are just sippy cups for adults"

Hydrogin (hydrogen + gin)

Hylan's Holes (abandoned, incomplete Staten Island Tunnel)

Hymietown; Jew York (Jew + New York)

"Hyperbole is the worst figure of speech in the multiverse"

"Hyperbole is the worst thing ever!"

"Hyperbole is the worst thing in the universe"

"Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything" (bar joke)

Hyperpalatable

Hypodermic Needle (Freedom Tower, latest design)

Hypotwit (hypocrite + twit/Twitter)