“How do trees feel in the spring?”/“Releaved.”

“I ordered tennis balls on the internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server”

“What did the sandwich say to the doorman?”/“Please lettuce in.”

“Every day is ‘Take Your Child to Work Day’ when you are pregnant”

“Curry OK?”/“Sorry, I hate singing in public.” (karaoke joke)

“I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”/“Is that a fret?”

“My son identifies as a crescent moon. I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase”

“Where do cowboys cook their meals?”/“On the range.”

“What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?”/“Necktarines.”

“There are some things you can only learn in a storm”

Hillmen (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

“Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most”

“I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words”

“Pizza rolls are just mini calzones”

“Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay, but it will make you buy curios”

Kilties (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

“I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math. Glad to know I’m in the other 2%”

“I lent my grandfather clock to my friend and now he owes me big time”

“Traffic is like real life buffering”

“What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?”/“Bullogna.”

“It’s not failure. It’s unfinished success”

“How do you cook duck eggs?”/“You quack them open.”

“The distance between your dreams and reality is called action”

“At my new job, I have hundreds of people under me. I mow the grass at the cemetery”

“Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless”

“Sky above me, earth beneath me, fire within me”

Porchclimbers (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

“Trains are just horizontal elevators” (“Trains are just sideways elevators”)

Invaders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

Hilltoppers (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

“If anyone tells you your dreams are silly, there’s a millionaire who invented the pool noodle”

Highlanders (American League baseball team, later called Yankees)

“Winter is the only season that comes twice a year”

“If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into committees. That’ll do them in”

“The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible”

“I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying—until it crashed”

“Where is the most open green space in New York City?”/“Central Pork.”

“I passed my paintball exam with flying colors”

“Sheet music is really just a sound recipe”

“At work, a coffee machine always gets fixed faster than a printer”

“I know loads of jokes about cash machines, I just can’t think of one atm”

“I thought I had found the perfect website to help me with my fear of flying—until it crashed”

“Yo mama is so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs”

“Nothing makes you feel like a bigger alcoholic than taking out the recycling”

“There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax”

“What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?”/“Nothing, he’s Gladiator.”

“Technically, the air guitar is a wind instrument”

“What stars go to jail?”/“Shooting stars.”

“Me: What’s the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.”

“People often ask me why I wanted to be a film editor. Well, to cut a long story short”

“A person who cares for chickens is a chicken tender”

“I was asked how much television I watch. I said that I usually watch the whole screen”

“I’m a social drinker. Every time someone says ‘I’ll have a drink,’ I say ‘Social I’”

“Have to love Easter, baby” (pun on “Hasta la vista, baby”)

“Conjunctivitis.com—that’s a site for sore eyes”

“What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?”/“Summer!”

“The guy who wrote the program that estimates time left on a download wasn’t serious”

“I keep my hot sauce in the refrigerator. Now it’s just sauce”

“What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?”/“Summer.”

“There are some things you can only learn in a storm”

“I am scared of non-alcoholic lager. It must be a faux beer”

“What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?”/“Where you put the cucumber.”

“I run on caffeine, grease, loud music and cuss words”

“College is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane”

“3 things to keep private: your love life, your income and your next move”

“I run on Starbucks, sarcasm and red lipstick”

“Orange juice got the nickname ‘OJ,’ but apple juice didn’t get the nickname ‘AJ’”

“When it’s over, leave. Don’t continue watering a dead flower”

“Dream big, work hard and make it happen”

“How do you think the unthinkable?”/“With an itheberg.”

“Adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street & then getting hit by an airplane”

“I run on coffee, sarcasm and lipstick”

“Never lie to someone who trusts you, and never trust someone who lies to you”

“Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles”

“Doc, I have lettuce sticking out of my bum.”/“Sorry, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

“What do you say to a Texas man driving a German car?”/“Audi.”

“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it”

“Grocery store workers ask ‘paper or plastic’ because baggers can’t be choosers”

“If you spill paint on your lawn, you can watch paint dry and grass grow at the same time”

“I once played horse chestnut fighting with a giantess. She had to stoop to conker”