“An oxymoron walked into a bar…” (bar joke)

“An allusion walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A hyperbole totally ripped into the bar and absolutely destroyed everything!” (bar joke)

“I wanted to place a bid at the silent auction, but it was not aloud”

“Do buses and trains run on time?”/“Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.”

“Do buses and trains run on time?”/“Buses run on wheels and trains run on the tracks.”

“Set goals and crush them”

“Set goals. Crush them. Repeat”

“Life is a gift. Live every day as a thank you note”

“What are you eating and how can I help?—dogs”

“Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to climb Mountain Dew”

“Success is something that always comes faster to the man your wife almost married”

“Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it”

“Vision without execution is hallucination”

“Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower”

“I’m not sure how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, how do you not hear the music?”

“Big Apple or Die Tryin’” (Pee-wee’s Big Holiday film, 2016)

“I went to the store to get 6 cans of Sprite, but ended up picking 7 Up”

“Procrastination is easier done than said”

“Mashed potatoes are the potato version of applesauce”

“Applesauce is the apple version of mashed potatoes”

“A clean browsing history is also a dirty one”

“The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement”

“There’s never just one wet butt in a canoe. We’re all in this together”

“Praise works with only three types of people; men, women and children”

“Have some patience. I’m screwing things up as fast as possible”

“I just want to drink coffee, create stuff and sleep”

“I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee”

“I don’t need sleep. I need coffee”

“Diner: There’s a button in my salad. Waiter: It must have come off while the salad was dressing.”

“I can’t espresso how much you bean to me”

“You’re brew-tiful” (brew + beautiful)

“It’s coffee o’clock”

“A day without coffee is like… Just kidding. I have no idea”

“A simile walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A malapropism walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“A dangling participle walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“The worst thing about censorship is—”

“I bought a second-hand time machine next Tuesday…”

“Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me”

“Diner: What’s wrong with these eggs I ordered? Waiter: Don’t ask me. I only laid the table.”

Fakestream Media (fake news + mainstream media); FSM (fake + MSM)

“Mom used to feed me alphabet soup, claiming that I loved it” (joke)

“Marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they won’t eat all of yours”

“Making mistakes is human, but when you make mistakes in a Captcha, you aren’t human”

“Tuesday is just second Monday”

“Statism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory”

“When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed”

“Liberalism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory”

“Progressivism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory”

“Socialism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory”

“Government: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory”

“Communism: Ideas so good they have to be mandatory”

Waldorf Sandwich

Waldorf Sandwich

Waldorf Salad

Waldorf Cocktail

“Don’t be pushed around by your problems. Be led by your dreams”

“Truth is a debit card—pay first, enjoy later. Lie is a credit card—enjoy first, pay later”

“A bend in the road is not the end of the road…unless you fail to make the turn”

“What did one vegan say to the other vegan?”/“We have to stop meating like this.”

“Discipline is just choosing between what you want now and what you want most”

“A wet man does not fear the rain”

“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused”

“Gold medals are made of sweat, determination, and a hard-to-find alloy called guts”

“You can buy education, but wisdom is a gift from God”

“What’s the exchange rate between pounds, rubles, dollars?”/“A pound of rubles equals a dollar.”

“What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?”/“We have to stop meating like this.”

“Look back and be grateful, look ahead and be hopeful, look around and be helpful”

“When shit happens, turn it into fertilizer”

“If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 years, you can believe in yourself for 5 minutes”

“When someone told me I lived in a fantasy land, I nearly fell off my unicorn”

“It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn’t”

“I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas”

“The body achieves what the mind believes”

“A semicolon broke the law; it was given two consecutive sentences”

“What did the dog get when he graduated from school?”/“A pedigree.”

“A friend told me I was delusional. I nearly fell off my unicorn”

“Female wanted; must have own pub. Apply with inn”

“What does a drummer use for contraception?”/” His personality.”

“If you don’t like being a doormat, then get off the floor”

“Let your smile change the world, but don’t let the world change your smile”

“What’s the best cheese to lure a bear out of a cave?”/“Camembert.”

“Sales go up and down. Service stays forever”

“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure”

“If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off”

“Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them”

“What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?”/“Camembert.”

“Female wanted; must have your own pub. Apply with inn”

“If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fly into space”

“When my friend mixed onions with nitrous oxide, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry”

“When it rains, look for rainbows. When it’s dark, look for stars”

“What do call something that is average at making egg whites?”/“A medi-yolker.”

“Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein is not the monster. Wisdom is knowing that Frankenstein is”

“What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a revolving door?”/“It won’t be long now.”

“I’m always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower”

“What did the monkey say after he got his tail in a lawn mower?”/“It won’t be long now.”

“She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower”

“There’s a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror”

“Republicans vote on Tuesday, Democrats vote on Wednesday” (joke)