“Let’s get this weekend started, people! This wine ain’t gonna pour itself!”

“There’s regular crazy and then there’s crazy with an internet connection crazy”

“Let’s get this weekend going, people! That wine ain’t gonna pour itself!”

“Start each day with a positive thought like, ‘I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours’”

“Start each day with a positive thought like, ‘I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours’”

“You’re only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on & the friends you party with”

“Once you start scooping salsa instead of just dipping salsa, you’re officially an adult”

“Mayo is just sandwich lube”

“You are only as strong as the drinks you mix, the tables you dance on & the friends you roll with”

“Mayonnaise is sandwich lube”

“Laughter is the best medicine. Or gin. Whatever”

“People say laughter is the best medicine, but I think a big bottle of wine is the way to go”

“I’ve done a survey on how people walk home from the pub. The results are staggering”

“Laughter is the best medicine. Or wine. It might be wine”

“Just text us when you’re here. There’s no need to knock and get the dogs involved”

“Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us”

“All our waiters are married. They know how to take orders” (restaurant sign)

“Google now hiring! No need to apply, we already have all your information”

“I’ll have the mouse, please.”/“That’s mousse, sir.”

“Beware of the dog. And the cat is not trustworthy, either”

“I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward”

“Legalize marinara”

“Never let your fear decide your future”

“After whisky, driving risky”

“Google now hiring! No need to apply. We already have all of your data”

“After whiskey, driving risky”

“After drinking whiskey, driving is risky”

“After drinking whisky, driving is risky”

“Don’t let your fear decide your future”

“Never let your fears decide your future”

“Don’t let your fears decide your future”

“Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege”

“Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a substantial tax cut save you 30 cents?”

“Imitation crab meat is the hot dog of the sea”

“It was the best of shires, it was the worst of shires” (Worcestershire’s)

“It was the best of shires, it was the Worcestershire’s”

“What do you call a juice without ice?”/“Ju.”

“I never finish anyth”

“You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol; you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol”

“What do you call a juice with no ice?”/“Ju.”

“In this kitchen we dance”

“I’m just one step away from being filthy rich. All I need now is money”

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing”

“I’m just waiting to see if my coffee uses its power for good or evil today”

“I’m just waiting to see if my coffee uses its powers for good or evil today”

“I’m just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its power for good or evil today”

“I’m just waiting to see if my coffee chooses to use its powers for good or evil today”

Saratoga: Saratoga Trunk

“The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear” (bar joke)

“Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body”

“Nobody ever has a bottom locker in high school movies”

“Cremation: my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body”

Hot Dog of the Sea (surimi nickname)

“I made some fish tacos last night. But they just ignored them and swam away”

“How do you get rid of a boomerang?”/“Throw it down a one-way street.”

“Some guy just honked at me to leave my parking space faster, so now I’ll just have to sit here”

“If your phone battery lasts all day, it’s because nobody likes you”

“There are only two absolutes in life: friends and vodka. And the best times usually involve both”

“I set my alarm clock ahead to prevent being late…” (joke)

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer”

“A good mother loves her children. A great mother still loves them when they’re teenagers”

“I wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it back up when it’s ready”

“Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out”

“Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt. People write on walls and worship cats”

“Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money”

“The first time I saw a kiwi I thought it’s a potato with fur”

“Dinosaurs had no coffee. How did that work out?”

Ziomerica (Zionism + America)

“If I offer to do something for you in exchange for calamari, that’s known as a squid pro quo”

“The internet is a lot like ancient Egypt. People write on walls and worship cats”

“Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my wife.”

“My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks”

“A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Am I getting older or is the supermarket playing great music”

“A nun, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“Am I getting older or has the supermarket begun playing great music”

“A bishop, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar…” (bar joke)

“If oranges could talk, what language would they speak?”/“Mandarin.”

“Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked? Me: Like winning an argument with my girlfriend.”

“My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately”

“My relationship with whisky has been on the rocks lately”

“My relationship with whisky is on the rocks”

“My relationship with gin is on the rocks”

“I wish I could speak mandarin. Then I could talk to oranges”

“Welcome to Twitter! If you’re not already followed by a stalker, one will be assigned to you”

“Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, ’Oh shoot, it’s the cops’?”

“I was named after my dad. Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him”

“I start my new job as an apprentice bell ringer. Someone will be showing me the ropes”

“Welcome to Facebook. If you’re not already friends with a creepy stalker, one will be assigned”

“My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it”

“My husband says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it”

“Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without the batteries. It fills you up, but lacks the buzz”

“My family says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it”

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do”

“Never assume that loud is strong and quiet is weak”

“I saw a guy at the beach yelling, ‘Help! Shark! Help!’ I knew the shark wasn’t helping”

“If alcohol can damage your short term memory, just think what alcohol can do”

“Alcohol is bad for my legs.”/ “Do they swell?”/ “No, they spread.”

“Never assume quiet is weak and loud is strong”

“You have been assigned this mountain to show others that it can be moved”