“Tater tots are hash brown nuggets”

“What do you call 2 witches sharing an apartment?”/“Broomates.”

“If they’re not serving beer at my funeral, I’m not going”

“Make vaccine manufacturers liable again” (MVMLA)

“Tater tots are hashbrown nuggets”

“Water is just coffee that hasn’t reached its full potential”

“When I suck in my belly where does the fat go? And why can’t science make it stay there?”

“I endorse podiums. That’s a product I can stand behind!”

“Not all game shows are sports. but all sports are game shows”

“Dear Science, when I suck in my tummy, where does the fat go and why doesn’t it stay there?”

“If they don’t have alcohol at my funeral, I’m not going”

“‘Are your arms tired from holding five pieces of paper? You need a podium!’ (podium salesman)”

“My grandfather was the best damn podium salesman. He always stood behind his product”

“If they don’t have party favors & alcohol at my funeral, I’m not going”

“Technically, televised sports are game shows”

“I’m proud of my job as a podium salesman. It’s a product I can stand behind”

“The media isn’t silent on child sex trafficking because of the children…”

“Vax passports do not stop the spread of a virus. They stop the spread of freedom”

“It was supposed to be a fight against the pandemic to protect the people…”

“You can pray all you want, but eventually David had to pick up a stone and act against Goliath”

“Some people like to relax with a glass of wine… And others prefer a bottle”

“‘Follow the money’ is much wiser advice than ‘follow the science’”

“What do witches use on their hair?”/“Scare spray.”

“Real medicine comes from the earth. not from a lab”

“What does a witch use to keep her hair up?”/“Scarespray!”

“Either Coke or Pepsi is fine. I’m bi-carbonate”

“If you watch TV, you are in the middle of a deadly pandemic. If you don’t, it’s Wednesday”

“I don’t care about mandates because I don’t date men”

“How does an orthodontist hire a lawyer?”/“He puts him on a retainer.”

“Janet Street-Porter walks into a bar…” (bar joke)

“How do dentists pay for their lawyers?”/“Retainers.”

“True medicine comes from the earth, not from a lab”

“What do the teeth pay their lawyer?”/“Retainer fee!”

“Austin Powers walks into a bar….” (bar joke)

“A lawyer asked his dentist to give him a retainer”

“Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss cheese?”

“Never let your findings interfere with your funding”

“Never let your findings conflict with your funding”

“First rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want”

“1st rule of family gatherings, always bring your own vehicle so you can leave when you want”

“A horse goes into a bar and says, ‘Can I have a large aperitif?’” (bar joke)

“Of course all scientists agree, when you censor the ones who don’t”

“A large aperitif: contents of an Italian horse’s mouth”

“Dr. Watson, there are a lot of break ins lately.”/“Sure. Lock homes.”

“What do you call the man who shreds your cheese at a restaurant?”/“A grate guy.”

“My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month. It’s part of her minstrel cycle”

“If you like subpoena coladas, and getting caught in Ukraine”

“I once knew a bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender. He served subpoena coladas”

“What is a lawyer’s favorite drink?”/“Subpoena colada.”

“The DMV be like you forgot to bring the original copy of the Constitution”

Catskill Mountains: Sour Cream Alps (nickname)

“The DMV be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence”

“If you trust the government, I don’t trust you”

“Coffee is Friday in a cup”

“Kissing ass is a class I didn’t pass”

“What do you say to an angry potato?”/“Anything, just butter him up.”

“What’s a lawyer’s favorite cocktail?”/“Subpoena Colada!”

“New York is dead. Don’t come back”

Actors Stewdio (Jim Downey’s Steak House nickname)

Actors Stewdio (nickname of Jim Downey’s Steak House, near the Actors Studio)

“New York’s not dead. It’s just underground”

“Meatloaf is a meatball cake”

“Freedom is the greater good”

“Never let anyone take away your freedom because of the greater good. Freedom is the greater good”

“Being healthy is the ultimate rebellion in a sick, diseased and dysfunctional society”

“Individual liberty is the greater good”

“Definition of a Socialist: Someone who wants everything you have…except your job”

“You do not suspend freedom for the greater good. Freedom is the greater good”

“Tyrants are not the problem. People obeying tyrants is the only problem”

“Never settle for shitty coffee, shitty friends or shitty relationships”

“God. Guns. Guts. Glory”

“Personal liberty is the greater good”

“Liberty is the greater good”

“Never let anyone take away your liberty for the greater good. Liberty is the greater good”

“Never settle for shitty coffee, shitty friends or shitty men”

“Born, raised and protected by God, guns, guts & glory”

“If two vegans have an argument, is it still called a beef? Or is it a quornfrontation?”

“A socialist is someone who wants everything you have, except your job”

“I have a rice cake joke, but it’s tasteless”

“What do you call a lawyer that knows karate?”/“Chop suey!”

“In a world of propaganda, the truth is always a conspiracy”

“Why did the skeleton cross the road?”/“To get to the body shop.”

“If two vegans have a fight, is it still considered a beef?”

“You can’t reform fascism”

“Can a monitored soul be free?”

“80% of success is drinking enough coffee”

“Coffee makes me a better person”

“Don’t keep calm. Destroy this corrupted government”

Incontinental Breakfast (incontinent + continental breakfast)

“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off”

“I hope your favorite football team wins, so it can benefit your life in no way whatsoever”

“Lifetime warranty means the lifetime of the product, not your lifetime”

“Don’t keep calm. Destroy this corrupt government”

“Iced coffee makes me a better person”

“Lifetime warranties really mean the company’s lifetime, not yours”

“I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living”

“I don’t need to go to Area 51. I’ve been to Walmart”

“Life is what you make it. I like to make bacon”

“Yes, it is.”/“Is time travel possible?”

“What do you call a lawyer who does karate?”/“Chop suey!”