A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeye's fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

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Entry from May 15, 2020
800+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 3

The 2019–20 coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak was eventually declared to be a worldwide pandemic. Here are some associated quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, portmanteaus, acronyms, anagrams and terms. See also Part 1 (quotations), Part 2 (quotations) and Part 4 (terms). Please share your results with others because this website is censored by Google.

“Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg”
“Rapunzel was quarantined and met her future husband so let’s think positively here”
“Remember DO NOT grab another person’s facemask. It’s a 15-yard penalty and an automatic 1st down”
“Remember wishing the weekend would last forever? Happy now?” (quarantine joke)
“Right now in America, it is easier to get an AR-15 than toilet paper”
“Romance novels written during COVIDー19: ‘As she slowly slipped her mask down…‘“
“Roses are red. Contagion is plenty. I’m drinking for breakfast, Because fuck 2020”
“Save the date!! The end of quarantine was just announced: Octemburary 54th”
“Security without liberty is called prison”
“Security without liberty is prison”
“Shaking hands is the new first base”
“Sign at bowling alley: ‘Due to Coronavirus, please refrain from touching other people’s balls‘“
“Since all the public libraries are closed, I’m checking you out instead” (pickup line)
“Since everyone’s now washing their hands, we’ll be working on shapes & colors next week”
“Since we’re all in quarantine, I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on”
“Single man with Purell and Lysol seeking single woman with toilet paper for good clean fun”
“Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun”
“Small weekend is over.. now entering big weekend”
“Sneezing with a mask on feels like shitting your pants with your face”
“So in order to enter stores now, do I bring a face mask, a brick, or both? 2020 is confusing”
“So many coronavirus jokes are going viral, it’s a real pundemic!” (pun + pandemic)
“So when quarantine is over, will the producers of ‘My 600 Pound Life’ just find me?”
“So you’re staying inside, practicing social distancing and cleaning yourself? Congratulations…”
“‘Social distancing’ is an anagram for ‘dissociating clan‘“
“Social distancing is boring. ‘Exiled for the good of the realm’ sounds much more interesting”
“Social distancing is like a restraining order for everyone against everyone”
“Social media is the virus”
“Some cool photos of all the places I visited in 2020” (quarantine joke)
“Some people write ‘lockdown’ because they can’t spell Kwarinteen”
“Sometimes I wonder if all of this is happening because I didn’t forward that message”
“Somewhere, someone is showering with a mask on. I just know it”
“Standing less than 6 feet apart is the new first base”
“Stay home if u sicc. Come over if u thicc”
“Stay home if you sicc. Come over if you thicc”
“Stay home if you’re sicc. Come over if you’re thicc”
“Stay inside, isolate or practice social distancing, clean yourself. Omg, I’ve become a housecat”
“Stepped on my scale this morning and it said: ‘Please use social distancing, one person at a time‘“
“Stop eating out, cook at home and you’ll lose weight. Quarantine determined that was a lie!”
“Stop locking down businesses and start locking up politicians”
“Suddenly, staying at home in underwear doing nothing is the most proactive thing you can do”
“Taking a girl’s mask off is the new first base”
“Teachers, remember that ANGRY mother who said she would have your job? Call her…”
“Thanks to Covid, my glove box is now my mask box”
“That face mask you were duped into wearing symbolizes you losing your freedom of speech”
“The 12 Days of 2020” (song parody)
“The 12 Days of Corona” (song parody)
“The 12 Days of Covid” (song parody)
“The adult version of ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ is now ‘Mask, wallet, keys and phone‘“
“The best stimulus package would be a 0% income tax”
“The buttons on my jeans have started social distancing from each other”
“The CDC says to disinfect the places that you touch the most. Don’t do it, it freaking burns!”
“The City that Never Sleeps is taking a nap” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“The coronavirus? I’m not shaking hands because people are out of toilet paper”
“The coronavirus vaccine is going to eliminate the coronavirus…”
“The coronavirus will come and go. But the government will never forget how easy…”
“The coronavirus won’t last long because it was made in China”
“The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society…” (joke)
“The Department of Health is seeking married people to educate on social distancing”
“The drop in fuel prices during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush”
“The drop in gas prices during this lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush”
“The drop in petrol price during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush”
“The goal of wearing masks is to not have to wear masks”
“The guy who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing his hands together right now”
“The junk drawer in now called the mask drawer”
“The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them ‘Scraps‘“
“The Lego store has finally reopened. People are lined up for blocks”
“The lockdown is getting to me. Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap”
“The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to society where bras are required”
“The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to society where pants are required”
“The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. This is going to burn”
“The media is the virus”
“The Nazis had a phrase which covered all abuses by the state: ‘Für Ihre Sicherheit‘“
“The only non-essential business is government”
“The opposite of isolate is isoearly”
“The opposite of isolate is yousoearly”
“The person who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing their hands together right now”
“The plan will be a phased plan that we plan to utilize in phases”
“The Powerball Jackpot is now up to a 24 pack of Charmin”
“The Quarantini. It’s just a regular martini, but you drink it all alone in your house”
“The quicker I give all my rights away, the quicker I will get them all back…”
“The quickest way to get a Democrat politician to put on a mask—is to turn on a camera”
“The real conspiracy theory is believing that you can replace your immune system with masks…”<?a>
“The real virus is communism. Coronavirus is just how it spreads”
“The real virus is communism. Covid-19 is just how it spreads”
“The Starbucks barista was wearing a face mask. It was a coughy filter”
“The toilet paper ‘crisis’ confirms that we have more assholes than we thought”
“The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe…”
“The whole country would be tested by midnight if Chick-fil-A was running the drive-thru”
“The wife and I have been in lockdown for eight days now. No fucking way I’m retiring”
“The World Health Organization has said dogs are immune to COVID-19. WHO let the dogs out”
“The world is now Vegas. Everyone is losing money, it’s acceptable to drink at all hours…”
“The worst part about turning the clocks back is having to endure an extra hour of 2020”
“There are three ways to come out of this lockdown. A hunk, a chunk or a drunk. Your choice!”
“There’s a urinary side effect to the new Pfizer vaccine. It makes your p silent”
“They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store…” (virus joke)
“They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer… *coughs*”
“They say you can’t fix stupid. Turns out you can’t quarantine it either”
“They should first test the COVID vaccine on government officials…”
“Think you’re bored? Sir Isaac Newton invented calculus during the plague”
“This cleaning with alcohol is total bullshit. Nothing gets done after the first bottle”
“This is a mind control device” (face mask message)
“This is the first year I haven’t done the London Marathon because of Covid-19. Usually I don’t do it because I’m fat and I can’t run”
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji due to Covid-19. I usually don’t go because I’m poor”
“This lockdown is no walk in the park”
“This mask is as useless as our governor” (face mask saying)
“This mask is as useless as our politicians” (face mask saying)
“This mask is as useless as the government” (face mask saying)
“This New Year’s Eve, remember to drink and wander around your house responsibly”
“This pandemic is exactly why I hated group projects in school”
“This Quarantine is getting old. So old, in fact, that is it starting to become a Quaranadult”
“This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars”
“This year I won’t be going to the Maldives because of covid19” (joke)
“This year was the first time I couldn’t travel to Europe because of Covid-19” (joke)
“Time to change from my daytime pajamas to my nighttime pajamas” (quarantine joke)
“To all the people panic buying, make sure you stock up on condoms so you don’t produce more idiots”
“To be honest, I’ve wanted to spray a lot of people with Lysol before this all started”
“To those turning in your neighbors and local businesses, you did the reich thing”
“Today’s weather? Room temperature” (quarantine joke)
“Toilet paper hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking”
“TP hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking for the first time in years”
“Travel plans: To the window, to the wall, then I might go down the hall”
“Turns out my three hobbies are eating at restaurants, shopping at nonessential businesses…”
“Victory is surrender. Lockdown is safety. Hysteria is virtue”
“Waiting for my thighs to socially distance themselves”
“Walked into a post office and saw people wearing masks. Fortunately, it was just a robbery”
“Walking back to the car because you forgot your mask is the new kinda pissed off”
“Wash your hands and say your prayers because Jesus and germs are everywhere”
“Wash your hands. COVID-19 doesn’t kill itself, just like Jeffrey Epstein”
“Washes his hands. Always wears a mask. Rearrange the letters in Racoon and it spells CORONA!”
“We all live in a COVID quarantine” (song)
“We all live in a yellow quarantine” (song)
“We are about 3 weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color” (pandemic joke)
“We are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions”
“We should all be allowed to commit a crime since we’ve technically already served the time”
“We’re gonna have to retire the expression ‘avoid it like the plague’…”
“Wear a mask and say a prayer because Jesus and germs are everywhere”
“Wear your mask at home. This is not to avoid the virus. It’s to avoid the constant eating”
“Welcome to 2020. If you don’t already suffer from an anxiety disorder, one will be assigned”
“Welcome to quarantine. You’re gonna need bigger pants”
“Well what a fucking year this week has been”
“Went to a new restaurant called ‘The Kitchen’. You have to make your own meal”
“What a year this week has been”
“What are murder hornets and how much toilet paper do we need to buy?”
“What can the coronavirus do that the U.S. government can’t?"/"Stop school shootings.”
“What do you call a cough that attracts a lot of attention?"/"Phlegm-boyant.”
“What do you call a gang of 19 crows?"/"Corvid-19.”
“What do you call an Instagram celebrity who got coronavirus?"/"An influenzer.”
“What goes great with a Coronavirus?"/"Lime disease.”
“What goes great with a Coronavirus?"/"Lyme disease.”
“What happened to Covid 1 to 18?”
“What if this quarantine is just the aliens fattening us up before the big harvest?
“What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?"/"College.”
“What kills coronavirus?"/"Ammonia cleaner."/"Sorry, I thought you worked here.”
“What should you use to fix your mask if it breaks?"/"Masking tape.”
“What’s the difference between COVID and a Karen?” (NSFW joke)
“What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?"/"Coronavirus & Verona Crisis.”
“What’s the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?” (NSFW joke)
“What’s the opposite of isolate?"/"I so early.”
“What’s the opposite of isolate?"/"You so early.”
“What’s the presidential ventilator called?"/"Forced Air One.”
“What’s way more dangerous than the coronavirus? The belief that government cares about you”
“When Newton was quarantined due to the plague, he invented calculus”
“When this is all over, please continue to stay at least 6 feet away from me” (social distancing)
“When this is over, should I go to Weightwatchers or AA first?”
“When we changed the clocks, we went from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone!”
“When we do go back to work, we’re going to need at least a week’s notice to find our pants”
“When you find out your daily lifestyle is actually called ‘quarantine‘“
“When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Auschwitz”
“When you let governments do whatever they want, you get Waco”
“When you work from home, all work is homework”
“When you’re not even done with Covid-19 and China releases Covid-20 Pro max”
“Whenever I get asked to do something I don’t want to do I just answer ‘in a pandemic?‘“
“Where can I buy a face mask that doesn’t smell like bad breath?”
“Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?"/"Aisle B, back.”
“Which composer got the coronavirus?"/"DryCoughsky.”
“Who called them ’surgical masks’ instead of ’coughy filters’?”
“Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?"/"Drycoughsky.”
“Whoever said one person can’t change the world never ate an undercooked bat”
“Why are Santa’s reindeer allowed to travel on Christmas Eve?"/"They have herd immunity.”
“Why can’t China play cricket?"/"They keep eating their bats.”
“Why can’t Santa Claus get COVID-19?"/"He has santibodies.”
“Why couldn’t Covid get a drink at the bar?"/"Because Covid 19.”
“Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?"/"Because she went to woo Han.”
“Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?"/"Too many handshakes.”
“Why did the chicken cross the road?"/"Social distancing.”
“Why do people pull their mask down to hear better?”
“Why do people pull their mask down to listen better?”
“Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story…”
“Why do women with nieces and nephews have great immune systems? Because of their auntie-bodies”
“Why is Santa Claus immune to COVID-19?"/"Because he has santabodies.”
“Why’s a graveyard the safest place in quarantine?"/"Everybody’s 6 feet away.”
“Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?” (joke)
“With everything going on, you’d think America is cursed or something. Like it was built on…”
“Without you, my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf”
“Wow.. bars, clubs, and gyms all closed? My life is about to seriously be exactly the same”
“WTF do you unemployed people do all fucking day? I’m going insane” (quarantine)
“Yes. I’d like to report some people not living in fear”
“Yo mama is like groceries during a pandemic—available for curbside pickup”
“Yo mama is so fat, the government cancelled her for being a mass gathering”
“You can’t spell quarantine without ‘u r a q t‘“ (pickup line)
“You can’t spell virus without U and I” (pickup line)
“You can’t spell virus without us” (pickup line)
“You know that stash of food napkins in your glove box? It’s their time to shine”
“You know why women’s eyes are so noticeable these days? It’s the mask era”
“You never realize how anti-social you are until there’s a pandemic and your life doesn’t change”
“You think 2020 was bad? Just wait until it turns 21 and starts drinking”
“You thought dogs were hard to train? Look at all the humans who can’t sit and stay”
“You want to hear a coronavirus joke? You probably won’t get it”
“You want to see social distancing? Lend them some money”
“Your mask protects me. My mask protects you”
“Your obedience is prolonging this nightmare”
“Zoot (noun): when you toot on a zoom call”

Posted by Barry Popik
New York CityGovernment/Law/Politics/Military/ Religion • Friday, May 15, 2020 • Permalink