T-Dot or Tdot (Toronto, Canada nickname)

T-triple-P (titles, power, pork and patronage)

Ta-kill-ya (tequila)

"Tabasco is just sexy ketchup"

Tablecloth Barbecue (Tablecloth BBQ)

"Tables are for eating customers only" (restaurant sign)

"Table's not ready. Can you wait?"/"OK."/"Great! Take these plates to table six, then."

"Tablets were replaced by scrolls. Scrolls were replaced by books..."

Tabloid Headlines ("FORD TO CITY: DROP DEAD")

Taco

Taco Breath (Burrito Breath; Enchilada Breath; Jalapeño Breath)

"Taco cat spelled backwards is taco cat"

Taco Guts

Taco Hell (Taco Bell nickname)

Taco Polaco or Polaco Taco (Polish Taco)

Taco Salad

"Taco salad is just lettuce nachos"

"Taco salad is just nachos with lettuce"

Taco Short of a Combination Plate ("not all there")

Taco Smell (Taco Bell nickname)

Taco Tech

Taco Truck (Taco Trailer)

Taco Tuesday

"Taco Tuesday Eve is why Mondays are great!"

Tacos Ahogados (drowned tacos or drowning tacos)

"Tacos alone will not fill the emptiness in your soul. You will also need tequila"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need beer"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need hot sauce"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need margaritas"

"Tacos alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul. You'll also need tequila"

"Tacos are edible folders"

"Tacos are healthier than crystal meth"

"Tacos are just deconstructed cheeseburgers"

"Tacos are just meat folders"

"Tacos are just well-organized nachos"

Tacos de Trompo (Tacos Arabes)

Tacotarian or Tacoterian (someone who eats tacos)

Tacoterian or Tacotarian (someone who eats tacos)

Tacro (taco + croissant)

"Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic"

"Tact is the ability to step on a fellow’s shoes without ruining his shine"

"Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without letting him feel your boot"

"Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without messing up the shine on his shoes"

"Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without scuffing the shine on his shoes"

Tailgate Party or Tailgate Picnic (Tailgating)

Taiyaki (Japanese fish-shaped cake)

Take A Chance Airlines (TACA backronymic nickname)

"Take a drug test? I know all about drugs!"

"Take a song to church" (music saying)

Take A Walk, New York! (TAWNY)

"Take all you want, but eat all you take"

Take Another Plane (TAP Portugal backronymic nickname)

"Take care of you because if you died today, your job will be posted online before your obituary"

"Take care of your body. It's the only place you have to live"

"Take care of your pennies and your dollars will take care of your widow's next husband"

"Take half as many clothes and twice as much money" (travel axiom)

Take-Home Tune

"Take human bites!" & "(I'm not hungry) I'll just pick"

"Take it with a grin of salt"

"Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll" (grocery sign)

"Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila"

"Take me to your liter" ("Take me to your litre")

"Take off your mask so you can smell the bullshit"

"Take one for the team"

"Take only pictures, leave only footprints" (parks policy)

Take-Out (not Take-Away)

"Take risks: If you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise"

"Take the 'A' Train" (1941)

"Take the masks off. Smell the bullshit"

"Take the professor, not the class" (college adage)

"Take the Train to the Plane" & Airtrain

"Take the W out of Waffle House and it's just Awful House"

"Take this job and shove it"

"Take to the cleaners" (financially wipe out)

PM (precious metals)

"Take to the Water" (NY Waterway)

"Take your boy hunting and you won't have to hunt for your boy"

Takedown

"Takeoffs are optional; landings are mandatory" (aviation adage)

"Takes the cake"

Takeunder

"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a very bad idea"

"Taking a girl's mask off is the new first base"

"Taking away the punch bowl" (Federal Reserve saying)

"Taking care of business" (TCB)

"Taking the first bite of a burger determines where the front of it is"

"Taking things away from people until they say yes is not a choice"

"Taking wealth from the air" (air rights)

Takoyaki (Japanese octopus ball/dumpling)

"Talent is God-given, be humble; conceit is self-given, be careful"

"Talent on loan from God"

"Talent recognizes talent"

"Talk dirty to telenarketers. They will hang up faster than you"

"Talk doesn't cook rice"

"Talk is cheap because the supply always exceeds the demand"

"Talk is cheap -- gasoline is not"

"Talk is cheap; money buys whiskey"

Talk Radio

"Talk. Text. Crash." (TxDOT slogan)

Talk Turkey (Talking Turkey)

"Talking Big Apple ’75" (song by Loudon Wainwright III, 1976)

"Talking Big Apple '75" (song by Loudon Wainwright III, 1976)

"Talking its book"

Tall-Building Lawyer (TBL)

Tall City (Midland nickname)

Tamal (Tamale)

Tamalada (tamale-making party)

Tamale Boat

Tamale Sandwich (hot tamale on a bun; hot tamale bun)

Tamale Town; Tamaleville (San Antonio nicknames)

Tamalero (tamale vendor)

Tammany Hall

Tammany Tiger

"Tampico is a poor man's orange juice"

"Tampico is a poor man's SunnyD"

"Tampico is a poor man's Tang"

Tampiqueña Plate (Carne Asada Tampiqueña; Steak Tampiqueña )

"Tang is a poor man's orange juice"

"Tang is a poor man's SunnyD"

"Tango is a poor man's Fanta"

TANJ (There Ain't No Justice)

Tank Town (small town)

Tanked Tuesday

Tanks for the Memories (Killeen slogan)

Tannersville: Painted Village in the Sky (nickname)

TANSTAAFMWH (There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Minimum Wage Hike)

"Tapas is Spanish for 'not enough food'"

Taper Tantrum (taper + temper tantrum)

Taquito

Tar Beach

Tar Beach (rooftop)

Tartan Day Parade

"Tartar sauce implies the existence of Mongol sauce"

Tarzhay or Tarjay (Target nickname)

Tasso

"Taste makes waist"

Taste of Chinatown

Taste of the Nation Brooklyn

Taste of the Village

Taste of Times Square

Taste of Tribeca & Dine Around Downtown

"Tastes like cardboard"

"Tastes like chicken"

Tasty Tuesday

Tater Tots

"Tater tots are hash brown nuggets"

"Tater tots are hashbrown nuggets"

"Tater tots imply the existence of tater adults"

"Tater tots imply the existence of tater parents"

"'Tater tots' is short for 'potato toddlers'"

"Tattoos should actually make you more employable because it shows you can sit in place..."

Tavern Sandwich

"Tax and spend"

"Tax bads, not goods"

"Tax Day should be the day before Election Day"

Tax Donkey (Tax Mule)

Tax Payer (Will B. Johnstone cartoon character)

"Tax the people and tax with care..." (tax poem)

"Taxation is red. Taxation is blue. Taxation is theft. They don't care about you"

"Taxation is robbery. Inflation is theft"

"Taxes are essentially just a yearly subscription to the country you live in"

"Taxes are essentially just an annual subscription to the country you live in"

"Taxes are the fines one pays for the crime of being useful and productive"

"Taxes are the price we pay to avoid ass-rape in prison"

"Taxes are the price we pay to avoid going to jail"

"Taxes are the price we pay to avoid prison"

"Taxes are the price we pay to fund the things that you protest against"

"Taxes are the price you pay to avoid being kidnapped by the government"

"Taxes are the price you pay to avoid being murdered for not paying taxes"

"Taxes are the price you pay to avoid going to prison"

"Taxes are the price you pay to fund the things that you protest against"

"Taxes grow without rain"

"Taxes have consequences"

Taxes (Take the commercial rent tax, please!)

"Taxi" (1972); "Mr. Cab Driver" (1989)

"Taxi driver made them pray" (joke)

Taxi (the word "taxicab" and the "yellow" color)

Taxicide or Tax-icide (tax + suicide)

"Taxidermists really know their stuff"

"Taxidemists. They know their stuff"

Taxmageddon (tax + Armageddon)

"Taxpayer: A person who resents that death and taxes don't come in that order"

"Taxpayer: Someone who works for the government but doesn't have to take a civil service exam"

Taylorite (inhabitant of Taylor)

"Tbh cleaning is better when no one else is home"

TBM (tomato, basil and mozzarella)

TBOTFG (The Balls On This Fucking Guy)

TBTF Consortium (Financial Services Roundtable nickname)

"TCU is like a cockroach" (UT football coach Darrell K. Royal)

"Tea is a cup of hope in a world full of chaos and Mondays"

"Tea is a cup of life"

"Tea is for mugs"

"Tea is instant wisdom -- just add water"

"Tea is just hot leaf juice"

"Tea is just leaf soup"

"Tea is just seasoned water"

"Tea is liquid wisdom"

"Tea parties are for little girls with imaginary friends"

Tea-sipper or Teasipper; Tea-sip or Teasip (University of Texas at Austin student nickname)

TEA (Taxed Enough Already) Party

Teabagger or Tea Bagger (Teabagging or Tea Bagging)

Teabilly (tea party participant + hillbilly)

Teabonics (tea party + Ebonics)

"Teach 25 years, not one year 25 times" (teaching adage)

"Teach a man to fish and he has to buy a boat and a truck"

"Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day"

"Teach a man to garden, and the whole neighborhood gets tomatoes"

"Teach a manta fish..." (joke)

"Teach a women to garden, and the whole neighborhood gets zucchini"

"Teach, Love, Inspire"

"Teach your boys to be men before our enemies teach them to be women"

"Teach your boys to be men before the world teaches them to be women"

"Teach your boys to be men before their teachers teach them to be women"

"Teach your children about taxes -- eat 30% of their ice cream"

"Teacher -- A person who helps you solve problems you'd never have without them"

"Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning" (joke)

"Teacher: 'Is that a phone!?' Me: 'No. It's my calculator.'"

"Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny's test again?" (joke)

"Teacher: Name a book that made you cry. Me: Algebra."

"Teacher: Name a book that made you cry. Me: Organic Chemistry."

"Teacher: Open up to page 26" (joke)

"Teacher, teacher I declare I see someone's underwear"

"Teacher -- The only job that makes you reconsider all future names for your children"

"Teacher: There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool" (joke)

"Teacher: What sound do pigs make? Student: FREEZE!"

"Teacher: 'Why are you late?' Student: 'Why does it matter? You still get paid, right?'"

"Teacher: Why are you late for class?" (school joke)

"Teacher: Why are you late? Student: Class started before I got here."

"Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?" (joke)

"Teacher: You have the same mistakes as the person next to you. How could that happen?"

"Teacher: 'You missed school yesterday, didn't you?' Pupil: 'Not very much!'"

Teacherpreneur (teacher + entrepreneur)

"Teachers are sometimes like an alarm clock. They won't shut up when you're trying to sleep"

"Teachers: Just log into Zablezoot, scroll down to the Zorkle app..."

"Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself"

"Teachers, remember that ANGRY mother who said she would have your job? Call her..."

"Teachers should wear body cams like police so parents can see how their children act.."

"Teachers tell us to follow our dreams, but get mad when we fall asleep in their class"

"Teachers who take class attendance are absent-minded"

"Teaching children is an accomplishment; getting children excited about learning is an achievement"

"Teaching creates all other professions" (teaching adage)

"Teaching is a work of heart" ("Nursing is a work of heart")

"Teaching is like a bad marriage. You never get your needs met, but you stay in it for the kids"

"Teaching is the greatest act of optimism"

"Teaching -- We're not in it for the income; we're in it for the outcome"

Teahadist (tea party + jihadist)

Tealiban (tea party + Taliban)

Team Titanic (2005-06 New York Knicks)

Team Turmoil (1977 New York Yankees, 2005-06 New York Knicks)

"Teamwork divides the task and multiplies the success"

"Teamwork: Ensuring that your hard work can always be ruined by someone else's incompetence"

"Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say"

"Teamwork makes the dream work" (teamwork adage)

"Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself"

"Teamwork: Simply stated, it is less me and more we"

"Teamwork: The fuel that produces uncommon results in common people"

Teanami (tea party + tsunami election)

"Teapot is on, the cups are waiting" (poem)

Teapublican (tea party + Republican)

"Tearing up the pea patch" (a team is doing very well)

Tearrorist (tea party participant + terrorist)

"Tears will get you sympathy; sweat will get you results"

Teatanic (tea party + Titanic)

Teatard (tea party participant + retard)

Teavangelist (tea party supporter + evangelist)

"Technically, a lawless state would be crime free"

"Technically, all national anthems are country music"

"Technically, all national anthems are country music"

"Technically, anyone who works in an office is an officer"

"Technically, every beverage is just flavored water"

"Technically, it's impossible to skip breakfast"

"Technically, it’s not drinking alone if the bartender is there"

"Technically, origami is a kind of woodworking"

"Technically speaking, beer is a solution"

"Technically speaking, there is a lot of food in this house. However, none of it is sweet..."

"Technically, sperm is a bodybuilding supplement"

"Technically, televised sports are game shows"

"Technically, the air guitar is a wind instrument"

"Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating or drinking"

Technology (Free wifi!)

"Technology is great...when it works"

Tedium Tatters (Media Matters nickname)

Tee-Pee & "Time and Patience" (Texas and Pacific Railway Company nicknames)

"Teem was like a poor man's Sprite or 7 Up"

"Teenagers drive like they're going to die: elders drive like they have all the time in the world"

Teeny Weeny Airlines (Trans World Airlines or TWA nickname)

Teflon Don

Teh Blahz (The Blaze website nickname)

Tejano

Tejolote (stone pestle)

Telecom Corridor (Richardson nickname)

Telegram Square and Globe Square (formerly in lower Manhattan)

Telegraph Capitol of America (Western Union Building, 60 Hudson Street)

"Telephone poles are just trees that got a job"

Telera (Mexican flat bread)

Telethon

"Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home"

"Television has changed the American child from an irresistible force to an immovable object"

"Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other"

"Television is a writer's medium" (television adage)

"Television is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done"

"Tell it to Sweeney! The Stuyvesants will understand."

Tell-lie-vision

"Tell me and I forget; teach me and I may remember; involve me and I will learn"

"Tell me one thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on. Aisle weight"

"Tell me who told you about our Dutch national holidays."/"You mean my Holland days source?"

"Tell someone you love them today. Tomorrow is not promised"

"Tell the boss what you really think of him — and the truth shall set you free"

"Temper gets you into trouble and pride keeps you there"

"Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there"

Temple of Capitalism (Jarmulowsky Bank nickname)

Tempura

Ten Bagger (Tenbagger)

Ten-Foot Cop (NYPD Mounted Unit)

Ten Gallon Hat

"Ten-hut!" or "A-ten-hut!" ("attention" command)

Ten O'Clock Number (10 O'Clock Number)

"Ten packets of Walkers crisps have been sent to the ISS. It was running low on air"

"Ten percent of my ashes shall be handed to my agent" (show business joke)

"Ten percent of the fishermen catch ninety percent of the fish" (fishing adage)

"Ten seconds of drug commercials are spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest is spent basically daring you to take it"

Tenderfoot (or Tender Foot)

Tenderloin

Tenement House

Tenement House in a Shower of Rain (hamburger steak and gravy)

Tennessee: Hog and Hominy State (nickname)

Tennessee: Lion's Den State (nickname)

Tennessee: Mudhead (nickname)

Tennis "Bagel"

Tenny Runners (or Tennie Runners)

"Tent poles are not for pole dancing. Please find alternative ways to disappoint your father" (sign)

Tenther (Tenth Amendment to the Constitution adherent)

Teppanyaki

"Tequila! Because beer isn't fast enough!"

"Tequila because it's Mexico somewhere"

Tequila Chicken or Tequila Lime Chicken (Chicken Tequila)

Tequila Daisy (cocktail)

"Tequila. Fiesta. Siesta. Repeat"

"Tequila! Have you hugged your toilet today?"

"Tequila: Helping people wake up in strangers' beds since 1521"

"Tequila helps me appreciate the little things in life, like shot glasses"

"Tequila helps me appreciate the small things in life, like shot glasses"

"Tequila helps me appreciate the smaller things in life, like shot glasses"

"Tequila is a good drink. You drink it and you feel like a cactus"

"Tequila is a Spanish word meaning... 'I don't remember doing that'"

"Tequila is just dream-flavored water"

Tequila Mockingbird (cocktail)

"Tequila (noun) -- magic water for fun people"

"Tequila (noun): The glue holding this shitshow together"

Tequila Salty Dog (Perro Salado)

"Tequila shots are so funny, sometimes you need the lime & other times you need to go the fuck home"

"Tequila shots because it's Mexico somewhere"

Tequila Shrimp (Margarita Shrimp Skewers)

Tequila Sour (cocktail)

Tequila Sunrise (cocktail)

Tequila Tuesday

TERF (Tired of Explaining Reality to Fools)

TERF (Tired of Explaining Reality to Fuckwits)

Teriyaki (Teriyaki sauce)

"Term limits - one term in office and one term in jail"

Term Limits (yes, it's an issue again)

Terminal City (Grand Central Terminal)

Terrace Envy (Terrace Guilt)

Terriers (St. Francis College teams)

Terrific Tuesday

Terroirist (terroir + -ist)

Terror Vandalism

Terroracism (terror + racism); Terroracist (terror + racist)

Terrorganda (terror + propaganda)

"Terrorism is the poor man's war" ("War is the rich man's terrorism")

"Teslas don’t have that new car smell. They come with that Elon Musk"

Test Kitchen

Test of a Champion (Belmont Stakes)

"Test that assumption at your earliest convenience"

"Test your air bag here" (sign on rear of a vehicle)

"Testing yourself constantly for disease when you have no symptoms is a form of mental illness"

Tetrazzini (Chicken Tetrazzini; Turkey Tetrazzini; Spaghetti Tetrazzini)

"Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in, you’ll disappear"

Tex Appeal

Tex-Mex Addict or Mex Addict (cuisine enthusiast)

Tex-Mex (cuisine)

Tex-Mex Mile or Mexican Food Mile or Taco Row (South First Street, Austin)

Texaholic (Texas + -aholic)

Texalina (Texas + Carolina) barbecue

"Texan: A person who chooses a restaurant based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan: A person who chooses a restaurant based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan by blood. American by birth. Patriot by choice"

"Texan (noun): A person who chooses restaurants based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan (noun): A person who chooses restaurants based on their chips and salsa"

"Texan Spoken Here"

Texana or Texiana or Texicana ("all things Texas")

"Texans barbecue everything except ice cream"

"Texans measure distance in hours, not miles"

Texaplex

Texarkanian (inhabitant of Texarkana)

Texartini (cocktail)

Texas 1015 Onion & Texas SpringSweet Onion

Texas Adultery Law (lawyer joke)

Texas Apple Delight (cocktail)

Texas Basement (an attic)

Texas BBQ Trail

Texas Bean Dip

Texas Bilingual Lawyer (lawyer joke)

Texas Bird of Paradise (Flycatcher; Road-Runner or Roadrunner; Paisano; Clown of the Desert)

Texas Blessing

Texas Bloody Mary (cocktail)

"Texas born, Texas bred, when I die, I'll be a Texan dead!"

Texas Bowl

Texas Breakfast

Texas Bruschetta

Texas Brush Popper

Texas Bubble Gum Machine (police car)

Texas Bulldogger (cocktail)

Texas Bumper

Texas Burger (with pastrami)

Texas Butter

Texas Cadillac (pickup truck or Chevy Suburban)

Texas Caesar Salad

Texas Cake

Texas Cakewalk (a hanging)

Texas Cannonballs (black stuffed olives)

Texas Caviar (black-eyed peas)

Texas Celery (cardoon)

Texas Champagne (hot sauce)

Texas Chicken (ship-passing maneuver)

Texas Chicken (Church's Chicken in Mideast)

Texas Chowder (Texas Clam Chowder)

Texas Coleslaw (Texas Cole Slaw)

"Texas: Come for the adventure, stay for your wrongful execution"

"Texas cooking: Kill something, bacon wrap it with a jalapeño and grill it. Enjoy with cold beer"

"Texas could exist without U.S., but U.S. can't exist without Texas" (Sam Houston)

Texas Cow Chips

Texas Crabgrass or Texas Crab Grass (a spinach and crabmeat dish)

Texas Crud

Texas Crutch (using aluminum foil in BBQ)

Texas Cucumber (banana squash; hot pepper; watermelon)

Texas Death Match (wrestling)

Texas Deep-Fried Turkey

Texas Dim Bulb Award

Texas Dip (debutante curtsy)

Texas Dip (sandwich)

Texas Dirt (banana pie with crushed Oreos)

"Texas: Disproportionately Awesome"

"Texas does not...simply have indigenous dishes. It proclaims them" (Alistair Cooke)

Texas Draw (buy/sell agreement)

Texas Earthworm (a rattlesnake)

Texas Egg Roll

Texas Eggs Benedict (Tex-Mex Eggs Benedict)

"Texas even claims George Washington was a Texan" (joke)

Texas Exit (traffic term)

Texas Fairy Tale ("Y'all ain't gonna believe this" instead of "Once upon a time")

Texas Fifth (half-gallon of liquor)

Texas Fizz (cocktail)

Texas flag only one at same height as U.S. flag (urban legend)

Texas Flag "Pledge of Allegiance"

"Texas food groups in spring: BBQ, Tacos, Claritin"

"Texas forever"

Texas French Toast

"Texas Friendly Spoken Here"

"Texas fries everything but ice cream" (Edna Ferber)

Texas Fruitcake

Texas Goat Sauce

Texas Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Texas Gulag (Gulag State of Texas)

Texas Haircut (financial term)

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes" (Yogi Berra?)

Texas has four seasons: Drought, Flood, Blizzard and Twister

"Texas has yet to learn submission to any oppression, come from what source it may"

Texas Hash

Texas Hat Trick (four goals by a player in an ice hockey game)

Texas Heart Shot (hunting shot)

Texas Hibachi

Texas Hold 'Em

Texas Holey Rock (honeycomb limestone)

Texas Hollywood (movie studio/theme park in Spain)

Texas Hooker (or Panhandle Hook)

Texas Horned Lizard Capital of the World (Kenedy nickname)

Texas Horseshoes (Washer Pitching; Washer Tossing; Redneck Horseshoes; Hillbilly Horseshoes)

Texas Hot Peanuts

Texas Hot Weiners (Texas Weiners, or Texas Wieners)

Texas House (Breezeway; Dog-Run House; Dogtrot House; Possum Trot House; Saddlebag House)

"Texas: illegally acquired; universally admired"

"Texas: I’m ready for the week! I got my umbrella, my flip flops, turtle neck, my suntan lotion...

Texas Ironwood (mesquite)

"Texas is a blend of valor and swagger" (Carl Sandburg)

"Texas is a state of mind. Texas is an obsession." (John Steinbeck)

"Texas Is Calling, Your Opportunity Awaits"

"Texas is like hot yoga without the yoga"

"Texas is neither southern nor western. Texas is Texas." (William Blakley)

"Texas is paradise for men and dogs, but hell for women and horses"

"Texas is so big that the people in Brownsville call the people in Dallas 'Yankees.'"

"Texas is the garden spot of the world" (Davy Crockett)

Texas Island Dressing

"Texas -- It's Bigger Than France"

"Texas: It's Like a Whole Other Country"

Texas Kool-Aid or Texas Cool-Aid (cocktail & wine & Crown Royal nickname)

Texas Lawyer Hunting (lawyer joke)

Texas Leaguer (Texas League Hit)

Texas Leica

Texas Lemonade (Texas Limeade)

Texas Lizzies (Christmas cookies)

Texas Manhattan (cocktail)

Texas Martini (or Mexican Martini)

Texas Medicine (mescaline)

Texas Mickey

Texas Midwest (Texas Midwest Day)

Texas Mile (country mile)

Texas Millionaires (cookies)

Texas Mudslide (cocktail)

Texas Nectar (cocktail)

Texas North or Texas of the North or North Texas (Alberta province nickname)

"Texas occupies all of the North American continent except Canada, Mexico and the rest of the U.S."

Texas of Africa (Nigeria nickname)

Texas of Asia (Mongolia nickname)

Texas of Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul nickname)

Texas of Canada (Alberta province nickname)

Texas of China (Szechuan/Sichuan province nickname)

Texas of Costa Rica (Guanacaste province nickname)

Texas of Cuba (Camagüey province nickname)

Texas of Germany (Bavaria nickname)

Texas of Kazakhstan (Shymkent city nickname)

Texas of Panama (Chiriqui province nickname)

Texas of Russia (Russian Texas; Texas of the Soviet Union)

Texas of South Africa (Vryburg, North West province nickname)

Texas of Venezuela (Zulia state nickname)

Texas oil well sayings

Texas Omelet

"Texas, One and Indivisible"

Texas Outhouse (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Texas Panhandle (or, Texas Pan Handle)

Texas Pea Sheller

Texas Peach Cobbler

Texas Pecan Pie

Texas Penny ($100 bill)

Texas Pete (hot sauce from Winston-Salem, NC)

Texas Philly (sandwich)

Texas Pink Cloud (cocktail)

Texas Popcorn (fried okra; stuffed jalapeños)

Texas Potatoes

"Texas potholes will change your radio station and unlock your doors"

Texas Punch

Texas Quiche

Texas Rain Gauge (upside down bottlecap)

Texas Ranch Beans

Texas Ranger Nine-Bean Soup

Texas Ratio

Texas Ratio

Texas Rattlesnake (cocktail)

Texas Rice Salad (Texmati Rice Salad)

Texas Riviera (Texas Gulf Coast)

Texas Road Fairy

"Texas Roadhouse is a poor man's Outback Steakhouse"

Texas Roadkill (Texas Roadhouse nickname)

Texas Rock Rose (Pavonia lasiopetala)

Texas Roll (sushi)

Texas Room (family room)

Texas Rose (cocktail)

Texas Rose (onion appetizer)

Texas Sausage Trail

Texas Schmexas (Texas Shmexas)

Texas Scramble (golf)

Texas Scramble (scrambled egg and other dishes)

Texas Sharpshooter Fallacy

Texas Sheath Cake

Texas Sheet Cake

Texas Shootout or Texas Showdown (buy/sell agreement)

Texas Shuffle (jury selection)

Texas Spaghetti (or Mexican Spaghetti)

"Texas Stadium has a hole in the roof so God can watch his favorite team" (D. D. Lewis)

Texas Stop

Texas Stop Sign (Dairy Queen)

"Texas Stories Told Here...Some True"

Texas Strangers (Texas Rangers baseball team unofficial nickname)

Texas Strategy (Paul Krugman NY Times column)

Texas Straw Hat (similar to Frito pie)

Texas Strawberries (beans; jalapenos; shelled corn)

Texas Strong

Texas Sunrise (Big Red + tequila)

Texas Sunshine (citrus-ade)

Texas Sweat (cocktail)

Texas Sweet Onion

Texas Switch

Texas T-Bone Corridor (high-speed rail)

Texas T-Shirt (disposable toilet seat cover)

Texas Tacks (thorns)

Texas Taffy (beef jerky for dogs)

"Texas tall talk is not a lie; it is an expression of a larger truth." (Paul Crume)

Texas Tapenade

Texas Tarragon (Mexican Mint Marigold)

Texas Tea (oil, alcoholic drink, iced tea, et al.)

Texas Tender

Texas Three-Kick Rule (lawyer joke)

Texas Three-Step (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio)

Texas Timex (gold Rolex watch)

"Texas to the Bone" (Saltgrass Steak House)

Texas Toast

Texas Tommy (dance)

Texas Tommy (ice-box cookies; hot dogs)

Texas Tonion (LongHorn Steakhouse)

Texas Toothpick (onion and jalapeño strips)

Texas Tornado Cake

Texas Torpedo (stuffed jalapeños)

Texas Tough (Texas criminal justice)

Texas Tower (a radar tower)

Texas Trash (Chex mix dish)

Texas Trash (chocolate-covered candy)

Texas Treasure Chest (Texas Facilities Commission store)

Texas Triangle (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio)

Texas Trifecta (Dallas, Houston, San Antonio/Austin)

Texas Trinity (brisket/ribs/sausage; mustard/mayo/pickles)

Texas Trio (steak, chicken, shrimp)

Texas Tumbleweeds (snack)

Texas Turkey (armadillo)

Texas Tuscan (architecture)

Texas Tuxedo

Texas Twinkies (bacon and brisket wrapped cream cheese-filled jalapeño poppers)

Texas Twist or Texas Tornado or Country Boy (three-card monte scam)

Texas Twister (barbecued cutlets)

Texas Twister (chili dogs)

Texas Twister (drink)

Texas Two-Step (dance)

Texas Two-Step (Primary & Caucus voting; Primacaucus; Primaucus; Primacus; Caucumary; Caucary)

Texas U-Turn (Texas Turnaround)

Texas University (t.u.)

"Texas weather and Texas women, pretty much the same thing"

"Texas weather just be throwing out temperatures like Powerball numbers"

Texas Wedge (golf putter)

Texas Wedge (salad)

Texas Wedgie

"Texas -- Where men are men and women are governors"

"Texas: Wide Open for Business"

"Texas will again lift up its head, and stand among the nations" (Sam Houston)

Texas With a Little Something Extra (Beaumont slogan)

"Texas woman and Texas weather, pretty much the same thing"

"Texas women and Texas weather, pretty much the same thing"

"Texas women are like the weather in Texas -- unpredictable and bipolar"

"Texas women are like the weather -- so hot"

Texas Wontons (Tex-Mex Wontons)

"Texas -- You can see farther and see less than any place on earth"

Texasing ("Texas" as a verb)

Texass ("The jackass is the finest flower of Texass" -- Groucho Marx)

Texatini (cocktail)

Texcation (Texas + vacation)

Texecution (Texecuted)

Texian

Texicali (Texicalli)

Texican

Texification/Texify (Texafication/Texafy)

Texile (Texas Exile)

Texit (Texas + exit)

Texlahoma (Tex-La-Homa)

Texmati (rice)

Texodus (Texas Exodus)

Texoma (Texas + Oklahoma)

Texpatriate (Texpat)

Texsucks (Texsux)

"Text without context is pretext"

Texxas

TGI Friday's (1965); "Thank God It's Friday" or "TGIF" (1934)

Thai Iced Tea (Cha Yen)

"Thank God for Mississippi" ("Thank Heaven for Mississippi")

"Thank God it's Monday...said no one ever"

"Thank God It's Almost Friday" or "Thank Goodness It's Almost Friday" (TGIAF)

"Thank God It's Fermented" (TGIF)

"Thank God It's Friday" or "Thank Goodness It's Friday" (TGIF)

"Thank God it's Friday. Only 40 more years of work left!"

"Thank God it‘s Friday. Only 40 more years of working"

"Thank Goodness It's Almost Friday" or "Thank God It's Almost Friday" (TGIAF)

"Thank Goodness It's Friday" or "Thank God It's Friday" (TGIF)

"Thank you, 5" ("Thank you, five")

"Thank you, ATM fees, for allowing me to buy my own money"

"Thank you, Cheese Nips, for being a delicious cracker & not the name of a strip club in Wisconsin"

"Thank you, craft beer, for making my alcoholism seem like a neat hobby"

"Thank you, five" ("Thank you, 5")

"Thank you for calling the incontinence hotline. Please hold"

"Thank you, student loans. How will I ever repay you?"

"Thanks a melon" (thanks a million + melon)

"Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary"

"Thanks to Covid, my glove box is now my mask box"

"Thanks to Millennials I now have to specify if I want my coffee hot or cold"

Thankscaking (Thanksgiving + cake)

"Thanksgiving calories don't count"

"Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year"

"Thanksgiving dinner is a unique experience. It's like an orgy that's rated G"

"Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime"

"Thanksgiving dinner eating takes 12 minutes, which coincides with halftime"

"Thanksgiving is for those who take time to remember; no one can give thanks who has a short memory"

"Thanksgiving is nothing if not a glad and reverent lifting of the heart to God"

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants"

"Thanksgiving, to be truly Thanksgiving, is first thanks, then giving"

"Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day"

Thanksgivukah or Thanksgivukkah (Thanksgiving + Chanukah/Hanukkah)

"Thar's gold in them thar hills"

"That awful moment when you realize you left your to-go box on the table at the restaurant"

"That awkward moment when you don’t know what to do with your life when you leave the computer"

"That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don't know what to do"

"That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything..."

"That awkward moment when you leave a store and didn't buy anything..."

"That awkward moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, 'I got nothing'"

"That awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are jumping...and you're a dude"

"That awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are jumping...and you're a guy"

"That awkward moment when you're running and your boobs are jumping...and you're a man"

"That awkward moment when you've realized your muffin top has now become a pound cake"

"That ball is gone, goodbye" (baseball home run call)

"That bit between Christmas and New Year where you don't know what day it is"

"That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long"

"What do you call bread that’s into BDSM?"/"Gluten for punishment."

"That dog won't hunt" (LBJ)

"That face mask you were duped into wearing symbolizes you losing your freedom of speech"

"That face you make after they take your guns" (skulls)

"That has too much cheese on it...said no one ever"

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it"

"That makes as much sense as government cheese"

"That moment when your high school music is on the oldies station"

"That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: It said, 'Goodbye'"

That Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

"That smells like lentils and desperation"

"That stupid walk you do when someone's mopping a floor and you know you're going to walk over it.."

"That twenty in the gas tank ain't twentying like it used to" (inflation joke)

"'That wasn't chicken.' Worst fortune cookie ever"

"That wasn't very cash money of you" (not cool)

"That'll be the day!" (Buddy Holly; John Wayne; Kellogg's cereal)

"That's a nice ham you got there..." (joke)

"That's a spicy meatball!"

"That's all she wrote"

"That's all there is -- there isn't any more!" (Broadway curtain-call speech)

"That's how we do it in Brooklyn" ("This is how we do it in Brooklyn")

"That's it, Fort Pitt" (Fort Pitt Beer)

"That's racing" ("That's racin'")

"That's show business" ("That's show biz")

"That's the tea" (that's the truth)

"That's the way baseball go"

"That's the way the cookie crumbles"

"That's too much cheese...said no one ever"

"That's what cheese said"

"That's what I do. I drink beer. I hate people and I know things"

"That's what I do. I drink coffee. I hate people and I know things"

"That's what I do. I drink wine. I hate people and I know things"

"That's what I like about Texas"

"That's what money's for -- to spend"

"That's what speed do" (baseball saying)

"That's why they make vanilla and chocolate ice cream" (i.e., people have different tastes)

"That's why they play the games" (sports adage)

"That's yacht racing"

"The #1 Family Shoe Chain in NY/NJ" (Fabco Shoes)

"The 12 Days of 2020" (song parody)

"The 12 Days of Corona" (song parody)

"The 12 Days of Covid" (song parody)

"The 12-Step Chocoholics Program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate"

"The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people. Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen"

"The 21st century: Where deleting history is more important than making it"

"The 24-hour Indian restaurant is a naan-stop"

"The 2nd Amendment is my gun permit"

"The 3 C's of life: Choices, Chances and Changes. You must make a choice to take a chance"

"The 5 days between Christmas and New Year where you don’t know what day it is"

"The 5 second rule does not apply when you have a 2 second dog"

"The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)" (1966)

"The 8th deadly sin is leaving a friend a voicemail"

"The Actor's Resource" (Back Stage)

"The adult version of 'head, shoulders, knees and toes' is 'glasses, wallet, keys and phone'"

"The adult version of 'Head, shoulders, knees and toes' is now 'Mask, wallet, keys and phone'"

"The adult version of the ice cream machine being broken at McDonald's is the car wash being broken"

"The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise wealth"

"The aim of a college education is to teach you to know a good man when you see one"

"The air fryer was probably invented by a guy who just wanted reheated french fries to taste good"

"The air hurts my face. Why am I living where the air hurts my face?"

"The airlines have become so cash-strapped, they charged me for my emotional baggage"

"The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor"

The American Dream City (Arlington, TX slogan)

"The American flag does not fly because the wind moves it. It flies from the last breath..."

"The American flag on the moon has turned white. It's now a French flag"

"The American people don't believe anything until they see it on television"

"The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but I always like to check"

"The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle of wine, but you should at least check"

"The answer to 1984 is 1776"

"The answers to my anatomy test were inside me the whole time"

"The apple never falls far from the tree" (proverb)

The Apple (sculpture in Hudson River Park)

The Apple (sculpture in Hudson River Park, 2004)

"The area of space in the donut after you remove the donut hole is a don'tnut"

"The ark was built by amateurs, but professionals built the Titanic"

"The astronomer's research project didn't win a Galaxy Award, but he received a constellation prize"

"The atomic structure of salad is proton, neutron, electron and crouton"

"The audience never goes out humming the scenery" (musical theatre adage)

"The August place to be" (Saratoga Race Course)

"The average ghost is mean spirited"

"The average home has two washing machines: 1) The real washing machine, and 2) Television"

"The average person thinks he isn't"

"The awkward moment when you buy a hula-hoop and it fits"

"The backup quarterback is the most popular player on a (losing) team"

"The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot"

"The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs"

"The ball never gets tired" (soccer adage)

"The ball will find you" (baseball adage)

"The bank is open for [player name]" (basketball bank shot catchphrase)

"The bank wants to repossess my tree house. I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches"

"The Banking Alternative for the 21st Century" (NYC Check Express)

"The bar sign said: 'Topless & Bottomless.' I went inside and nobody was there!"

The Bard's Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth' curse)

"The bartender asked me, 'What'll you have?' I said, 'Surprise me'" (joke)

"The bases are F.O.B. (full of Brooklyns)"

"The batter with the butter is the batter that is better!" (tongue twister)

"The battle is won when the average American regards a corporate journalist..."

"The Beach Boys walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The bears have Thanksgiving, but the bulls have Christmas" (or, "The bulls have Thanksgiving...")

The Beast (2 subway line)

"The Beat of New York" (WKTU-FM)

The Beautiful Game (soccer)

"The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water..."

"The beginning of eternity. The end of time and space" (riddle)

"The belief that government is a necessary evil is a belief that evil is necessary"

"The belt is the original wearable fitness tracker"

"The best ability is availability"

"The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try-angle"

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute talk with the average voter"

"The best band name is 'Free Beer'"

"The best band name is 'Free Beer'"

"The best beer in a homebrewed batch is the last one you drink"

"The best camera is the one that's with you" (photography adage)

"The best cure for a recession is a recession"

"The best day between yesterday and tomorrow is Saturday"

"The best day...two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine"

"The best exercise is the one you will do" (exercise adage)

"The best exercise to lose weight is to push yourself away from the table"

"The best exercise to lose weight is to shake your head back and forth no (more food)"

"The best fertilizer is the gardener's shadow"

"The best friendships are the ones that you met at a job that neither of you work at anymore"

"The best gun is the one you have with you"

"The best house wine is on the house"

"The best imaginary dish to say in a MA accent 'garlic braised arctic char with artichoke hearts'"

"The best is yet to come. Unless you're out of wine"

"The best jeans and sneaker stores in America" (V.I.M.)

"The best-kept secret of medicine is that the body heals itself if we create the right conditions"

"The best kind of morning conversation is the one that doesn't actually occur"

"The best librarians are certified in reshushitation"

"The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because nobody would ever find it"

"The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender."

“The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree is the presence of a happy family"

"The best part of a cucumber is the worst part of a watermelon"

"The best pass defense is a good pass rush" (football adage)

"The best pitch is strike one" (baseball adage)

"The best players win MVPs; the best teams win championships"

"The best preparation for good work tomorrow is to do good work today"

"The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today"

"The best program is the one you're not on"

"The best public servant is the worst one"

"The best restaurant on this block" (restaurant sign joke)

"The Best Show in Town" (Texas Legislature)

"The best social program is a job"

"The best stimulus package would be a 0% income tax"

"The best teams make the playoffs; the hottest team wins the championship"

"The best thing about Austin is that it's so close to Texas"

"The best thing about freshmen is that they become sophomores"

"The best thing money can buy is financial freedom"

"The best thing one can do when it is raining is to let it rain"

"The best thing to come out of Dallas/Houston is I-45"

"The best things in life are cruelty free" (vegan saying)

"The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them"

"The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive"

"The best things in life either make you fat, drunk or pregnant"

"The best things in life make you drunk, fat or pregnant"

"The best things in life make you fat, drunk or pregnant"

"The best throw of the dice is to throw them away" (gambling adage)

"The best time on a clock is 6:30. Hands down"

"The best time to buy an antique is when you see it"

"The best time to exercise is whenever you can"

"The best time to invest is when you have the money"

"The best time to make a sale is right after a sale"

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now"

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does"

"The best time to work out is whenever you can"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get first"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get now"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get the soonest"

"The best vaccine is the one you can get today"

"The best view comes after the hardest climb"

"The best vitamin for making friends is B-1"

"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one"

"The best way to celebrate Leap Day is coming to the Empire State Building"

"The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line"

"The best way to control the opposition is to lead it"

"The best way to cook fish is to have a slow waiter walk it through a hot kitchen"

"The best way to cut carbs is with a knife and fork"

"The best way to eat Peeps is to throw them in the trash"

"The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it"

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others"

"The best way to finish an unpleasant task is to get started"

"The best way to follow the science is to follow the silenced"

"The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it"

"The best way to go into business is with high hopes and low overhead"

"The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas"

"The best way to learn is to teach"

"The best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap the wife"

"The best way to predict the future is to design it"

"The best way to refute a gambit is to accept it" (chess adage)

"The best way to rob a bank is to own one"

"The best way to save money is to go in da house and lay yo ass down"

"The best way to save money is to go in the house and lay down"

"The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear"

"The best way to stop a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun"

"The best way to stop the next pandemic is to arrest the people who started the first one"

"The best weight you’ll ever lose is the weight of other people’s opinions of you"

"The best wines are the ones we drink with friends"

"The best wood in an amateur's bag is a pencil" (golf joke)

"The better the view, the worse the food"

"The Bible must be considered as the great source of all the truth"

"The bicycle is a curious vehicle. Its passenger is its engine"

The Big Apple Band (1972-1977); Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band (1976)

The Big Apple Band (1972-1977); Walter Murphy & The Big Apple Band (1976)

The Big Apple (bar in Ballyforan, Ireland, 2003?-present)

The Big Apple Bash (Jay McShann album, 1979)

The Big Apple Bash (Jay McShann album, 1979)

"The Big Apple Bites" (The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode, 2018)

"The Big Apple Can Bite Me" (Cybill episode, 1996)

"The Big Apple" (Gimme a Break! episode, 1984)

The Big Apple (ice cream shake at Forty Deuce in Columbus, OH, 2022)

"The Big Apple" (instrumental song by Hugh Masekela, 1972)

"The Big Apple" (instrumental song by Hugh Masekela, 1972)

"The Big Apple" (Kate Plus 8 episode, 2010)

The Big Apple (novel by Pat Booth, 1984)

The Big Apple Shopping Bazaar (Delray Beach, FL, 2013-present)

"The Big Apple" (Strut episode, 2016)

"The Big OD" & Slowdeatha (Odessa nicknames)

The Big Sleep (a long period of no growth)

"The bigger the base, the higher in space" (Wall Street adage)

"The bigger the Cheerio, the better it tastes" (donut saying)

"The bigger the field, the bigger the certainty" (horse racing adage)

"The bigger the government, the smaller the citizen"

"The bigger the top, the bigger the drop" (Wall Street adage)

"The biggest doves in Washington wear uniforms"

"The biggest lie ever told is any voicemail greeting that says 'sorry I missed your call'"

"The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune, but the chick peas can only hummus one"

"The blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice"

"The blackest land and the whitest people" (Greenville, Hunt County, TX)

The Block Beautiful (East 19th Street, Gramercy Park)

"The boat store held a paddle sale. It was quite an oar deal"

"The body achieves what the mind believes"

"The body heals itself if we create the right conditions for it"

"The body heals with play. The mind heals with laughter. The spirit heals with joy"

"The bond market is smarter than the stock market"

"The book 'The Very Hungry Caterpillar' taught me that I can binge eat and take a two-week nap"

"The boss said I was tardy" (joke)

"The bottom of the fifth" (alcohol saying)

"The Bowery" (1892)

"The Boys on the Big Apple" (Harper's Bazaar article, May 1947)

"The brain never stops working until you start to speak in public"

"The brain starts working when you get up, and doesn't stop until you get into the office"

"The brave don’t live forever, but the cautious don’t live at all"

"The bread never falls but on its buttered side"

"The bright side of Christmas... Everyone at Walmart will be wearing new pajamas"

"The British cannibal enjoyed snacking on fish and chaps"

"The broccoli says, 'I look like a small tree' ..." (joke)

"The broker made money and the brokerage firm made money – and two out of three ain’t bad"

"The Bronx" (Batley, England)

The Bronx (Da Bronx)

"The Bronx is burning" (1972; alleged Howard Cosell quote during the 1977 World Series)

The Bronx? No Thonx!

"The Bronze winner is always happier than the one who wins Silver"

"The Brooklyn Dodgers have three on base."/"Which base?"

"The bubonic plague, the flu, and HIV walk into a bar... (bar joke)

"The buck stops here" (accept responsibility)

"The bull walks up the stairs and the bear jumps out the window"

"The Burning of the School" ("Battle Hymn of the Republic" parody)

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work"

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work"

"The butcher who made seabird sausages took a tern for the wurst"

"The butler did it" (murder mystery drama saying)

"The buttons on my jeans have started social distancing from each other"

The Caledonian Tragedy (name used to avoid the "Macbeth" curse)

"The camera adds ten pounds" (film and television adage)

"The camera doesn't lie" ("The camera never lies")

"The camera looks both ways" (photography adage)

"The 'Canadians are nice' stereotype is funny considering their favorite sport..." (hockey joke)

"The cannibal had a wife and ate kids"

"The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume. That’s sound advice"

"The cashier at the local grocery store asked me if I wanted to donate $2 to end world hunger..."

"The cashier said, 'Strip down, facing me.' How was I to know she actually meant my debit card?"

"The CDC just announced you can stop wearing socks with your sandals"

"The CDC says to disinfect the places that you touch the most. Don’t do it, it freaking burns!"

"The cemeteries are full of indispensable men"

"The Center For Health in the Center of the World" & "Another Day, Another Breakthrough"

"The center of a Bundt cake is the Bundt hole"

"The center of a donut is 100% fat free"

"The Central Park Zoo should be named 'Zoo York'"

"The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together..."

The Championship Track (Belmont Park nickname)

"The checkbook and the calendar never lie"

"The Chicago style hot dog implies the existence of the MLA style hot dog"

"The Chicken and the Pig" (lessons in commitment from bacon/ham and eggs)

"The chicken is the only animal we eat before it's born and after it's dead"

"The chocolate filing in Ferrero Rocher is Nutella"

"The Christian Right is neither"

"An ice cream van crashed on my street yesterday. The whole area was coned off"

"The Citi Never Sleeps" (Citibank)

"The City of New York is more well known than the place it's named after"

The City of Opportunity (Seagoville slogan)

"The city should hire the guy that salts the fries at McDonald's to do the roads"

"The city should hire the guy who salts the fries at McDonald’s to do the roads"

The City That Faith Built (Wichita Falls slogan)

"The City that Never Sleeps is taking a nap" (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)

The City That Works (Portland slogan)

The Clays (Barclays Center nickname)

"The closer I get to nature, the farther I am from idiots"

"The closer you are to nature, the further you are from idiots"

"The closer you get, the slower I drive" (bumper sticker)

"The closer you get to nature, the further you are from idiots"

"The closest I get to a spa day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face"

"The closest I've been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history"

"The closest I've ever come to being a 'hunter and gatherer' is opening my own pistachios"

"The closest most people will ever get to participate in the Olympic sport of curling is..."

"The closest some of us will ever get to heaven" (World Trade Center)

"The cobwebs in my house just became decorations! Thanks, Halloween!"

"The cold air hurts my face"

"The College Board is phasing out the essay portion of the SAT. The test will be known as the T"

"The comeback is always stronger than the setback"

The Company (Central Intelligence Agency or CIA nickname)

"The Company You Keep" (New York Life)

"The Company You Love to Hate" (Con Edison)

"The Complete Shrimp Cookbook is pure prawnography"

"The Constitution actually says you can legally overthrow your government if they are tyrannical"

"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people"

"The Constitution was not established by cowards and cowards will not preserve it"

"The cook's course is the hardest course in the army"

"The cool kids don't eat animals"

The Corner (23 Wall Street, at Broad Street)

"The coronavirus? I’m not shaking hands because people are out of toilet paper"

"The coronavirus vaccine is going to eliminate the coronavirus..."

"The coronavirus will come and go. But the government will never forget how easy..."

"The coronavirus won't last long because it was made in China"

"The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499. I didn't have ID"

"The Costco sample lady called spanikopita 'spankopedia' and I'm still disappointed..."

"The country's in the very best of hands"

"The COVID19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society..." (joke)

"The cows are giving evaporated milk" (Texas heat joke)

"The cream rises until it sours"

"The crowd at the cannibal's party grew silent when he announced he would be serving finger foods"

"The crowd is always wrong" or "The public is always wrong" (Wall Street proverb)

"The crux of the biscuit"

"The cupcake is just the slutty cousin of the muffin"

"The cure for everything but death" (black seed oil or Nigella Sativa)

"The cure for everything except death" (black seed oil or Nigella Sativa)

"The cure for high prices is high prices" ("The cure for low prices is low prices")

"The cure for the ills of democracy is more democracy" (Al Smith)

"The currency is the share price of a country"

"The customer is always right" (business motto)

"The customer is never wrong" (business motto)

"The customer is not always right. Sometimes the customer is a twat!"

"The daily diary of the American dream" (Wall Street Journal slogan)

"The 'dark matter' which holds the universe together has finally been identified as coffee"

"The darkest hour has only sixty minutes"

"The day has begun, drink coffee, smile, and be thankful for the life you have"

"The days of good grammar has went"

"The days of wine and roses are over" (Gov. Hugh Carey)

"The dead soldier's silence sings our national anthem"

The Deadly Toxin or The Daily Toxin (The Daily Texan nickname)

"The decline of civilization can be traced back to when they stopped putting toys in cereal boxes"

"The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal"

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work"

"The Democrat Party: A bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for rich people..."

"The Department of Health is seeking married people to educate on social distancing"

"The depressing thing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall"

The Deuce (42nd Street)

"The devil makes his Christmas pie of lawyers' tongues and clerks' fingers"

"The 'devil's lettuce' is actually coleslaw, not weed"

"The dice have no memory"

"The dick vein on a Snickers really makes it"

"The difference between a boss and a leader: a boss says 'Go!' — a leader says 'Let's go!'"

"The difference between a democracy and a people's democracy" (joke)

"The difference between a farmer and a pigeon is the pigeon can make a deposit on a John Deere"

"The difference between a gang and a state is the belief that there is a difference..."

"The difference between a jogger and a runner is an entry blank"

"The difference between a rebellion and a revolution is which side wins"

"The difference between a rut and a grave is the depth"

"The difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is staggering"

"The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that the pessimist is better informed"

"The difference between coffee and your opinion is that I asked for coffee"

"The difference between coffee and your opinion is that coffee doesn't make me want to punch you"

"The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets"

"The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie"

"The difference between harassment and flirting is your financial position"

"The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys"

"Difference between my girls and married women is that my girls give a man his money's worth"

"The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra"

"The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is the way a person uses them"

"The difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army is that the Scouts have adult supervision"

"The difference between the government and thieves is that thieves don't pretend they're helping"

"Difference between NYC Council and rubber stamp is that a rubber stamp leaves an impression"

"The difference between try and triumph is a little umph"

"The difficult we do immediately; the impossible takes a little longer"

"The dinner bell is always in tune"

The Dinosaur (English Elm in Washington Heights)

"The dinosaurs didn't 'rule the earth,' they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administrative skills..."

"The director of EA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The dishwasher put plates and bowls in the wrong order. He was dishlexic"

"The distance between your dream and reality is called action"

"The distance between your dreams and reality is called action"

"The DMV be like you forgot to bring the Declaration of Independence"

"The DMV be like you forgot to bring the original copy of the Constitution"

"The doctor said I can only eat greens, so I went on a dye it"

"The doctor told me to lose some weight, so I bought a dog" (joke)

"The dog ate my homework" (student excuse)

"The dollar votes more times than the man"

The Dollhouse (Barbizon Hotel for Women nickname)

"The dots are practically almost touching each other, and people still cannot connect them"

"The dots are practically touching and some people still can't connect them"

The Drag on Guadalupe Street, Austin (Drag Worm; Drag Rat)

"The dream is free, but the hustle is sold separately"

"The drinker's definition of LOL: Low On Liquor"

"The driver is safer when the roads are dry. The roads are safer when the driver is dry"

"The drop in fuel prices during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush"

"The drop in gas prices during this lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush"

"The drop in petrol price during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush"

"The drunker I sit here the longer I get" ("Starkle, starkle little twink")

"The drunkest knight of the round table was Sir Rhosis"

"The duration of a mass shooting is dependent upon the proximity of a second gun"

"The duration of a mass shooting depends entirely on the proximity of a second gun"

"The duration of a mass shooting is determined by the proximity of a second gun"

"The dust on Doritos and cheese puffs is chip keef"

"The 'ea' in 'tea' is silent"

"The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid"

"The early bird can have the worm. I'll take coffee"

"The early bird can have the worm. Just give me my coffee"

"The early bird can have the worm. Worms are gross and I prefer coffee"

"The early bird catches the worm, but the early worm gets eaten"

"The early bird makes the coffee"

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese"

"The ear's loss is the palate's gain" (opening champagne)

"The earth used to be flat...until they buried yo mama"

"The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk"

"The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement"

"The easiest way to make money is to stop losing it"

"The economy is so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf"

"The economy is too important to be left to economists"

"The editor's indecision is final"

"The egg is to cuisine what the article is to speech"

"The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes”

The Elevated Acre

"The empire has no clothes"

"The employee shortage is so bad that long haired freaky people can now apply"

"The enemy doesn't have to defeat you. All he has to do is to distract you"

"The enemy doesn’t have to defeat you. All they have to do is distract you"

"The energy to take you anywhere" (Valero Energy Corporation)

"The engineer sees the glass as twice the size it needs to be" (joke)

"The English invented soccer, but the Brazilians perfected it"

"The envelope, please" (awards show saying)

"The envelope, please" (hotel tips envelope)

"The era of pumpkin will fall & northern winds whisper 'peppermint everything.' Minter is coming"

"The evil of two lessers" (voting for "the lesser of two evils")

"The exact defense chili developed to preserve the species is the exact reason they are devoured"

"The exam questions are the same every year -- only the answers change" (joke)

"The existence of a New York City rat czar implies the existence of a New York City Ratsputin"

"The existence of a rat czar implies the existence of a rat Lenin"

"The existence of cardamom implies the existence of envelopeadad"

"The existence of pizza pockets implies the existence of pizza pants"

"The existence of smoothies implies the existence of roughies"

"The existence of the 'dreamcatcher' implies the existence of a dreampitcher and a dreambatter, too"

"The existence of the meatball sub implies that there is a meatball dom"

"The existence of the umami flavor profile implies the existence of an aypapi flavor"

"The existence of umami implies the existence of udaddy"

"The existence of umami implies the existence of udadi"

"The existence of umami implies the existence of upapi"

"The existence of unsalted saltines suggests the existence of salted unsaltines"

"The existence of Worcestershire sauce implies the existence of Bestestershire sauce"

"The eye in the sky never lies" (game film adage)

"The F in communism stands for food"

"The facilities in a church should be called amen-ities"

"The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope"

"The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without brains gives hope to many"

"The fact that microwaves still do not have a volume button for the beeps is amazing"

"The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move yet refuses to glow..."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist"

"The fact that we only get 4/5 hours after work before having to prepare for bed just to go to work"

"The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog"

The Failing New York Times (New York Times nickname)

"The fans are behind the coach 100 percent, win or tie"

"The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges" (property sign)

The Fashion Projects (London Terrace)

"The faster I type in my password, the more secret agenty I feel"

"The faster you climb an escalator, the more steps it takes to reach the top"

"The faster you run, the faster you're done" (running adage)

"The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth"

"The fastest way for a politician to become an elder statesman is to lose an election"

"The fat acceptance movement is the only movement without movement"

"The fat, alcoholic transvestite just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary"

"The Fed can print money, but it can't print jobs"

"The federal government is an aircraft carrier, not a speedboat"

"The federal government is organized crime"

"The feel of the wheel seals the deal" (car sales technique)

"The feeling of not having to work tomorrow is better than the feeling of not having to work today"

"The female version of teabagging is a flappachino"

"The female version of teabagging is called a flappuccino"

"The female version of teabagging is called a flapuccino"

"The female equivalent of the man cave is the kitchen"

"The fewer things controlled by politicians, the less it matters who controls the politicians"

"The fewer things politicians control, the less it matters who controls the politicians"

"The final Covid variant is called communism"

"The final variant is communism"

"The finish line is just the beginning of a whole new race"

"The fire at the clock factory caused a lot of second hand smoke"

"The first automobile race occurred right after the second car was built"

"The first casualty of war is truth"

"The first clown to take a pie in the face was a pie-oneer"

"The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte"

"The first day of school -- the day when the countdown to the LAST day of school begins"

"The first draft of anything is shit"

"The first duty of wine is to be red"

"The first few weeks of Weight Watchers you're just finding your feet"

"The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest"

"The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest"

"The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile..."

"The first generation builds the business, the second makes it a success, and the third wrecks it"

"The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist"

"The First Law of Management: Kickbacks must always exceed bribes"

"The first loss is always the smallest" (Wall Street proverb)

"The first man gets the oyster; the second man gets the shell"

"The first myth of management is that it exists"

"The first Noel, the angels did say. You'll be paying your bills from now until May"

"The first period is won by the best technician..." (wrestling adage)

"The first rule of firearm safety is to never let the government take your guns"

"The first rule of gun safety is to never let the government take your guns"

"The first rule of Mime Club: "

"The first rule of Mime Club goes without saying"

"The first rule of Mime Club is: You do not talk about Mime Club"

"The first rule of mud wrestling is fight dirty"

"The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE"

"The first rule of rescuing is don’t become the second victim"

"The first rule of show business is to always leave them wanting more"

"The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"

"The first rule of vegan fight club. Tell everyone about vegan fight club"

"The first step to changing the system is to stop complying with it"

"The first submarine sandwich shop opened in 1898, but the store went under"

"The first syllable of the word 'diet' is "die'"

"The first symptom of Covid is no common sense"

"The first thing I do each morning is to read the obituaries" (joke)

"The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine"

"The first thing you lose on a diet is your sense of humor"

"The first time I saw a universal remote control I thought, 'This changes everything'"

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider trying it"

"The five-second rule doesn't apply to soup"

"The five-second rule doesn’t apply to M&M’s because they have an exoskeleton"

"The five stages of Monday; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Wine"

"The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe"

The Flying Kangaroo (Qantas nickname)

"The following movie contains scenes of a cup of tea. It's rated PG"

"The font family changed their TV today. It wasn't working with their Arial"

"The food is terrible -- and such small portions!"

"The food label read, 'Store in a cool place,' so..." (joke)

"The food pyramid is a 'pyramid' not 'triangle,' so what’s on the other sides?"

"The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood..."

"The fork spooned the knife, so the spoon knifed the fork"

"The foundation of acting is the reality of doing"

The Four Hundred

"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar"

"The four seasons are deer, turkey, rabbit and duck"

"The four seasons of Texas: January, Summer, Summerer, Christmas"

"The fourth estate has become a fifth column"

"The fourth win in a series is always the most difficult to get"

"The freedoms you surrender today are the freedoms your grandchildren will never know existed"

"The French restaurant served Napoleon Chicken. No meat -- only the boneypart"

"The freshest street in town is made of pave-mint"

"The fridge broke, so I had to eat everything"

"The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside"

The Friendly Firehouse (Ladder Co. 159, Brooklyn)

"The Friendly Frontier" and "Keep Abilene Beautiful" (Abilene slogans)

"The first time I played chess I tried to move my castles diagonally. Classic rookie mistake"

"The first time I saw a kiwi I thought it's a potato with fur"

"The Front Page of the Internet" (Reddit slogan)

"The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms"

"The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands"

The Fumble or Miracle at the Meadowlands (1978 Giants fumble)

"The funny thing is, when you don’t let people disrespect you, they start calling you difficult"

"The further north you go, the further south you get" (Florida adage)

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams"

"The future belongs to those who build it"

"The future is female"

"The future is not a gift; it is an achievement"

"The G spot is located at the end of the word 'shopping'"

"The gallows are a really popular hang out spot if you ask me"

"The game is the best teacher" (soccer adage)

"The gas comin’ out of our cows ain’t near as dangerous as the BS out of our politicians"

"The gastric band: waist knot, want not"

"The Gates of Heaven -- Never Closed" (Hamburg Heaven)

"The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is fructose financer"

"The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian"

"The gentleman will take a chance" (eating hash)

"The Germans will never forgive the Jews for Auschwitz"

"The ghost walks" (theater salaries are paid)

"The gift of giving is the best gift we have been given"

"The gift that keeps on giving"

"The gift that keeps on giving" (an interest-bearing savings account)

"The girl who can't dance says the band can't play" (Yiddish proverb)

"The Girl Who Went To The Big Apple" (Asia's Next Top Model episode, 2016)

"The girls all get prettier at closing time" (barroom adage)

The Glamis Comedy (name used to avoid the "Macbeth" cruse)

"The goal is to die with memories, not dreams"

"The goal of the 'for dummies' books is to get rid of their target audience"

"The goal of wearing masks is to not have to wear masks"

"The goalposts will keep moving as long as they know you'll obey"

"The gold and other items of value placed in Egyptian tombs was the very first cryptocurrency"

"The golf swing starts from the ground up" (golf adage)

"The good part of a cucumber is the bad part of a watermelon"

"The government can legally lie to you. But they cannot force you to trust them"

"The government doesn't want you living a long happy life. They owe you social security"

"The government has no plans to return your freedom. How long will it take to realize that?"

"The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently" (joke)

"The government is good at one thing. It knows how to break your legs, and then hand you a crutch"

"The government is just a business with no incentive to deliver agreed upon services..."

"The government is just the armed gang you're afraid would take over in the absence of government"

"The government is lucky that people never think"

"The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year. Everyone was dismayed"

"The government offered to buy my guns from me..." (joke)

"The government sells fear so they can become your savior"

"The government today is the direct result of your choosing the lesser of two evils for generations"

"The governor proposes and the legislature disposes"

The Great Mentioner

The Great Place (Fort Hood nickname)

"The Great Resist. They will own nobody and they will be unhappy"

The Great Saunter (32-mile walk around Manhattan)

"The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid"

"The great thing about Miami is that it's so close to the United States"

"The Greater New York Dairy" (Dairy Associates)

"The greatest bear is a sold out bull" (Wall Street adage)

"The Greatest City in Las Vegas" (New York, New York Hotel & Casino)

The Greatest City in the World

"The greatest crimes in the world are not committed by people breaking the rules..."

The Greatest Little Town in Texas (Ballinger slogan)

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one"

"The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think"

"The greatest quest in life is to reach one's potential"

"The greatest thing since radio"

"The greatest thing since sliced bread"

"The greatest threat to our planet is the belief that someone else will save it"

"The greatest trick the refrigerator manufacturers ever pulled..." (crisper drawer)

"The greatest weapon is not a gun, nor is it nuclear. It is information control"

"The greatest weapon is not a gun or a bomb. It is the control of information"

"The Grinch never hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair"

"The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription. Well. he called it a receipt...whatever"

"The guy who discovered gluten intolerance has died. The family has requested no flours at the funeral"

"The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital. He’s in fair condition"

"The guy who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing his hands together right now"

"The guy who robbed a health spa jumped on a scale and got a weigh"

"The guy who said that the truth never hurts never had to fill out a form 1040"

"The guy who stole all the chocolate is now a fudgitive"

"The guy who wrote the program that estimates time left on a download wasn't serious"

"The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides"

"The gym accused me of stealing, but the sign clearly said 'free weights'"

"The gym is the only place where the customers work harder than the employees"

"The 'h' in Democrat stands for honesty"

"The halfway point of a marathon is 20 miles" (running adage)

"The Happiness I Never Knew" ("think" backronym)

"The harder you work for something, the greater you'll feel when you achieve it"

"The hardest animal to kill is a school mascot"

"The hardest lift of all is lifting your butt off the couch"

"The hardest part about being vegan is waking up at 5 a.m. to milk the almonds"

"The hardest part of bringing your lunch to work is resisting the temptation to eat it"

"The hardest part of making skimmed milk is throwing the cows across the lake"

"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn"

"The hardest thing to raise in my garden is my knees"

"The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread"

"The Hawk" or "Hawkins" (strong cold winter wind)

"The hay is in the barn" (football and running expression)

"The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF"

"The heels of the bread are to be eaten last. You eat them as punishment for not buying more bread"

"The high for today was 54. The low was eating an entire batch of cookies"

"The high for today was 75. The low was when I ate a whole sleeve of Thin Mints"

"The high-jump event is basically reverse limbo"

"The high school music teacher told his students to read band books"

"The high school music teacher told his students to read band books"

"The higher the hair, the closer to God"

"The higher you go, the better the snow" (skiing adage)

"The highways of life are full of flat squirrels who couldn't make up their minds"

"The highways of life are full of flat squirrels who couldn't make up their minds"

"The homework is due Monday."/ "Can I get an extension?"/ "The homework is due Monday.png."

"The horse doesn't know what its odds are" (horse racing adage)

"The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip"

"The hospital you were born in is the only building you leave without entering"

"The hot air hurts my face"

"The hotel towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase"

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who...maintain their neutrality"

"The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless"

"The hours between coffee and wine really are pointless"

"The House has affairs; the Senate has relations"

The House that Herring Built (Russ & Daughters nickname)

"The House That Ruth Built" (Yankee Stadium)

"The House That Tex Built" (Boyle's Thirty Acres)

"The House That Tex Built" (Madison Square Garden, 1925-1968)

"The Houston Astros/Texas Rangers have won the World Series!" (Texas weather joke)

"The human body is 80% water, so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety"

"The human body is roughly 60% water. I'm not fat, I'm flooded"

"The human brain is a very sophisticated organ. It works day and night, until you turn on the news"

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television"

"The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television"

"The ice age walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated. The rest of the house needs cleaning"

"The ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, doesn't exist"

"The IKEA job interviewer said, 'Welcome! Come in and make a seat'"

"The illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer"

"The in-flight movie was so bad, people were walking out"

"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government"

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has"

'The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has"

"The Income Tax: The fine you pay for the crime of being useful and productive"

"The information they censor is exactly what you need to know"

"The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people"

The International Magazine of Events (TIME backronym)

"The internet becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do"

"The internet is a lot like ancient Egypt. People write on walls and worship cats"

"The internet is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something"

"The internet is a series of tubes filled with cats"

"The internet is full of cats because dog people go outside"

"The internet is too pc. Disabled cookies? In my day, they were called broken biscuits"

"The internet was once a fun place for watching cat videos instead of monitoring the real-time collapse of late-stage capitalism"

"The introduction of religious passion into politics is the end of honest politics"

"The inventor of gravy granules has had the freedom of the city bisto-ed on him"

"The inventor of Pop Rocks: Sugar isn't enough, it should also detonate"

"The investor's advocate" (Securities and Exchange Commission slogan)

"The invisible hand of the free market is fisting me"

"The invisible hand of the market is fisting us at night"

"The IQ of a committee is equal to the IQ of the dumbest member..."

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet"

"The itsy-bitsy paycheck just post to my account. Down came the bills and wiped the money out"

"The Jägermeister stag is my spirit animal"

"The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Sampson's time"

The Jews' Highway (Williamsburg Bridge)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The job requires me to get a potato clock" (get up at eight o'clock)

"The judo club knows how to throw a party"

"The junk drawer in now called the mask drawer"

"The key to a happy life is to drink coffee before work and avoid talking to morons"

"The key to getting along with people is to either lower your expectations or learn to drink"

"The key to happiness is as simple as A-B-C: Always Brew Coffee"

The Kid from the Big Apple (two films, 2015 and 2017)

The Kid from the Big Apple (two films, 2015 and 2017)

"The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them 'Scraps'"

"The Kids' Department Store" (Cookie's)

"The kitchen was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it"

"The ladder of success is never crowded at the top"

"The ladder to success" (joke)

"The land is so flat you can watch your dog run away for three days" (joke)

"The landscaper thought gardening magazines were fun to leaf through"

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away"

"The largest room in the world is the room for improvement"

"The last bite of a cookie isn’t really a bite because you don’t bite it"

"The last line of the national anthem is often thought to be 'Play ball!'"

"The last man on earth walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The last official act of any government is to loot the treasury" (Washington?)

"The last ten hits (to 3,000 career hits) are the hardest"

"The last three outs are different" (baseball adage)

"The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis"

"The last time I heard that I fell off my dinosaur" (an old joke)

"The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty"

The Last Word (cocktail)

"The lasting legacy of most deceased pets is a computer password"

"'The later I get here, the quicker this ends' isn’t the right answer for 'why are you late?'"

"The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they'd turn over by themselves"

"The leaves are falling and the coffee is calling"

"The leaves are falling. My coffee is calling"

"The left is called the 'left' because they're NEVER RIGHT!!"

"The Legend Continues" (Galveston slogan)

"The Lego store has finally reopened. People are lined up for blocks"

"The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on"

"The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed"

"The lesson is always love"

"The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year's"

"The library before finals looks like the gym after New Year's"

"The life of a snail is taken with a pinch of salt"

"The life you live is the lesson you teach"

"The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts"

The Line That Time Forgot (Second Avenue Subway)

The Little Chapel That Could (St. Paul's); The Little Church That Could (St. Nicholas)

"The little old woman who lived in a shoe wasn't the sole owner. There were strings attached"

"The living deserve our respect; the dead deserve the truth"

"The local Goodwill burned down last night. A person died from second-hand smoke"

"The local rabbi invited me to a BBQ, but it was just a bris cut"

"The lockdown is getting to me. Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap"

"The lonely Trekkie at a Star Wars convention was looking for love in Alderaan places"

"The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look"

"The longer the party, the bigger the hangover"

"The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be to return to society where bras are required"

"The longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be to return to society where pants are required"

"The longest distance in any race is the six inches between your ears"

"The longest drum solo was 10 hours, 26 minutes & was performed by the child sitting behind me..."

"The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the 'Skip Ad' button on YouTube"

"The Lord giveth and the government taketh away"

"The Lord giveth and the Internal Revenue Service taketh away"

"The Lord giveth and the IRS taketh away"

"The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don’t have to. Please use your blinker"

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5"

"The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5"

"The lottery is a wonderful thing; it lays the taxation only on the willing"

"The lottery is essentially crowd funding for a random person to become a multi-millionaire"

"The loudest way to open a bag of chips is to try to open it quietly"

The Louvre of Lox (Russ & Daughters nickname)

"The Lower Rio Grande Valley is a great place to live -- it's so close to the United States"

"The lowest ranked door-to-door salesperson is awarded a knockwurst"

"The luck is gone, the brain is shot, but the liquor we still got"

"The luckiest horse wins the Derby, the fastest horse the Preakness, the best horse the Belmont"

"The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most. This is going to burn"

"The 'mac' in mac and cheese is also an acronym for 'mac and cheese'"

"The magic of Christmas never ends and its greatest of gifts are family and friends"

"The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out"

"The magician said to take a card, any card. So I took his credit card"

"The mail must go through" (postal service adage)

"The main function of the little toe is to make sure that all the furniture is in place"

"The main ingredient in hand sanitizer is paranoia"

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team"

"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible"

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live"

"The Man in the Brooks Brothers Shirt" (1942)

"The man leaned on the printer cartridge because he wanted to tone up his abs"

"The man on top of the mountain didn't fall there"

"The man who butts his head against the stock market soon learns why it's called Wall Street"

"The man who created autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece"

"The man who created the chickpea spread passed away, but has been given an award posthummusly"

"The man who dies rich dies disgraced"

"The man who drank a bottle of varnish had a horrible end, but a lovely finish"

"The man who gets into a cage full of lions impresses everyone but a school-bus driver"

"The man who gives in when he's right is married"

"The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace"

"The man who loves his job is always on vacation"

"The man who rolls up his sleeves seldom loses his shirt"

"The man who rows the boat generally doesn't have time to rock it" (political proverb)

"The man who stops advertising to save money is like the man who stops the clock to save time"

"The market can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent" (Keynes?)

"The market is always here" (Wall Street phrase)

"The masses are asses"

"The Masters doesn’t really begin until the second nine on Sunday" (golf adage)

"The Mattress Professionals" (Sleepy's)

"The mayor from Jaws is still the mayor in Jaws 2. It is so important to vote in local elections"

"The meal isn't over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself"

"The meaning of peace is the absence of opposition to socialism"

"The media breaks its neck trying to demonize humans and humanize demons"

"The media is the virus"

"The media is the virus. People's behavior is the pandemic. Common sense is the cure"

"The media isn't silent on child sex trafficking because of the children..."

"The media lies. Open your eyes"

"The media report planes that crash, not planes that land safely"

"The mediocre teacher tells, the good teacher explains, the superior teacher demonstrates"

"The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights"

"The men who wrote the second amendment did not just finish a hunting trip..."

"The menu had many different kinds of food on it. So I asked, 'Can I have a clean one?'"

"The Met Gala is Burning Man for people named in the Panama Papers"

"The Met Gala is Halloween for celebrities"

"The Met Gala is just boujee Halloween"

"The Met Gala is just Final Fantasy cosplay for rich people"

"The Met Gala is just Halloween for rich people"

"The Met Gala is like a bougie Halloween party"

"The #MeToo movement is supposed to be empowering, but why PoundMeToo?"

"The middle of a bundt cake is a bundthole"

"The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large"

The Mighty Wurlitzer (CIA "playing" the media)

"The military is protecting democracy, not practicing it"

"The Milky Way is a hard place to be if you're galactose-intolerant"

"The mind of a slave asks 'Is it legal?' The mind of a free man asks 'Is it right?'"

"The Minnesota Night Hawks. I'm coaching. The Big Apple!" (Slap Shot film, 1977)

"The Minnesota Night Hawks. I'm coaching. The Big Apple!" (Slap Shot film, 1977)

"The minus sign ran for office to make a difference"

"The mob is just like the government, without the pretense"

"The modern definition of 'racist' is someone who is winning an argument with a liberal"

"The moment we stop fighting for each other is the moment we lose our humanity"

"The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment that we lose our humanity"

"The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's the moment we lose our humanity"

"The money is a nice bonus, but the real joy in robbing banks is watching the tellers move quickly"

"The money is always greener in the other guy's wallet"

"The money in your bank account is one 'state of emergency' away from being the government's money"

"The moon landing never happened! It’s still in the sky"

"The more captains you have on the field the better" (soccer adage)

"The more comfort food I eat, the less comfortable I am"

"The more dangerous the neighborhood, the better the tacos"

"The more you eat, the more you want" (Cracker Jack slogan)

"The more you know, the crazier you look"

"The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget..."

"The more you research, the crazier you sound to ignorant people"

"The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war"

"The more you sweat in practice, the less you bleed in battle"

"The more you tell, the more you sell" (marketing adage)

"The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe -- eat cake"

"The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you to do nothing with your life"

"The most beautiful thing you can wear is confidence"

"The most bullish thing the stock market can do is go up"

"The most common form of robbery is inflation"

"The most dangerous 8 seconds in sports" (bull riding)

"The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee"

"The most dangerous eight seconds in sports" (bull riding)

"The most dangerous food is wedding cake"

"The most dangerous part of an automobile is the nut behind the wheel"

"The most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it"

"The most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare"

"The most exciting two minutes in sports" (Kentucky Derby slogan)

"The most expensive part of having kids is all the wine you have to drink"

"The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart"

"The most expensive vehicle to operate, per mile, is the shopping cart"

"The most fattening thing you can put in an ice-cream sundae is a spoon"

"The most important ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people"

"The most important parts of the Super Bowl are the commercials and the food..."

"The most important thing a girl wears is her confidence"

"The most impressive thing about Covid is how it turned a systemically racist patriarchy into a trustworthy government..."

"The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don't check their phone for 3+ hours"

The Most Jewish Place on Earth (Brooklyn)

The Most Jewish Spot on Earth (Brooklyn)

"The most nervous fruit is a pear annoyed"

"The Most New York You Can Get" (Daily News)

"The most painful exercise is running out of money"

"The most painful exercise is running out of money"

"The most romantic thing you can ever do for me is buy me food"

"The most trusted name in fake news" (The Daily Show, CNN)

"The most trusted name in news" (CNN slogan)

"The most unrealistic thing about Monopoly is the free parking"

"The most used piece of equipment at the gym is the mirror"

"The most violent element in society is ignorance"

"The mountain is out" (Mount Hood is visible)

"The movie Blazing Saddles could never be made today..." (anti-joke)

"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums"

"The music teacher got irritated because her students kept passing notes"

The Musical Instrument Megastore (Sam Ash)

"The musician in jail was anxiously awaiting his next release"

"The national arms are covered with glory" (Ignacio Zaragoza, after the battle of Cinco de Mayo)

"The national dish of America is menus"

The Nation's Newspaper (USA Today nickname)

"The Nazis had a phrase which covered all abuses by the state: 'Für Ihre Sicherheit'"

"The new American dream is to be left the hell alone"

"The new Covid variant is communism"

"The New World Order is the real virus"

"The New World Order is the virus"

"The New York City Marathon is really just a bunch of people running away from Staten Island"

"The New York City police chief said, 'We will never forget 9/11'" (joke)

"The New York Idea"

"The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department"

"The New York Times is the official leak of the State Department"

The New Yorker Festival

"The news is trauma based mind control. You're not being informed, you're being manipulated"

"The Newspaper That Can't Be Bought" (Village Voice)

"The next Covid variant is communism"

"The next forecast with the words 'ice' and 'salt' better be a damn margarita recipe"

"The next pandemic -- driven by a virulent conspiravirus. We'll need to go into a Facebook lockdown"

"The next person who asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade is gonna get a punch"

"The next song is all about subtractions. Take it away, boys"

"The inmates are running the asylum"

"The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it"

"The NSA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The NSA walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The NWO is the real virus"

"The NWO is the virus"

"The NYPD toilets were stolen. Police have nothing to go on"

"The obedient always think of themselves as virtuous rather than cowardly"

"The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf"

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd" (male-female ratio)

"The odds are good that you will be laid up long before you are laid out" (insurance adage)

"The office Christmas party is a chance to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes"

"The official flag of 2020" (a face mask on a flagpole)

"The official tree of New York City is scaffolding"

"The oil field never sleeps" (adage)

"The oilfield never sleeps" (adage)

"The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner. There were strings attached"

"The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy"

"The older I get the better I was" (sports adage)

"The older I get, the more coffee I need to drag my sorry carcass around in the morning"

"The older I get, the tighter the companies are putting the lids on jars"

"The older I get, the uglier I’m willing to go out in public"

"The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana"

"The older you get, the uglier you're willing to go out in public"

"The Oldest Apothecary in America" (C. O. Bigelow)

"The oldest word in politics is 'new'"

"The one thing the government fears is the day we stand together"

"The one who gets vaccinated to be free is already enslaved"

"The one who reads a newspaper knows what is happening in the world. One who reads the Bible..."

"The ones asking to be left alone aren't the extremists. The ones demanding we comply..."

"The ones selling the panic are the same ones selling the vaccine"

"The onion is the only vegetable that fights back"

"The only abs I have are abnormalities"

"The only Apple product that I can afford to buy is apple juice"

"The only B.S. I need are bikinis and sandals"

"The only bad workout is the one that didn't happen"

"The only bad workout is the one that you didn't do"

"The only bottomless brunch I’ve had is when my kids refuse to wear pants at the breakfast table"

"The only BS I have time for is Burritos & Salsa"

"The only B.S. I need is bikinis and sandals"

"The only carbon they want to reduce is you"

"The only color that matters is blue" (police adage)

"The only communists left are in China, Cuba, North Korea and on American universities"

"The only cure for presidential fever is embalming fluid"

The Only Day After Yesterday ("today" backronym)

"The only difference between Lunchables and a charcuterie board is class aesthetics"

"The only difference between the U.S. and a banana republic is we don't grow bananas"

"The only difference between this place and the Titanic is they had a band"

"The only downside to Cinco de Mayo is Seis de Hangover"

"The only easy day was yesterday" (Navy SEAL motto)

"The only entitlement I expect from my government is freedom"

"The only exercise some people get is jumping to conclusions"

"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable"

"The only gambling I do is buying shoes online"

"The only good substitute for a coffee is two coffees"

"The only good substitute for a cup of coffee is two cups of coffee"

"The only good substitute for coffee is two coffees"

"The only good time to say 'I have diarrhea' is during a game of Scrabble"

"The only job where you can start at the top is the job of digging a hole"

"The only man able to stop Michael Jordan was Dean Smith"

"The only man worth chasing this summer is the ice cream man"

"The only non-essential business is government"

"The only people who put ketchup on hot dogs are mental patients and Texans"

"The only person telling you the truth in politics is the one who says he is not voting for you"

"The only person who likes change is a baby with a wet diaper"

"The only pizza worth eating" (Abitino's)

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary"

"The only problem with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music does"

"The only problem with dancing naked is that not everything stops when the music stops"

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back"

"The only reason I get up early on a Sunday is coffee"

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again"

"The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality"

"The only reason I'm up this early on a Sunday is the coffee"

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory"

"The only reason the government would outlaw body armor is to make it easier for them to kill you"

"The only reason why the government would want to disarm you after 243 years is because..."

"The only river wet on one side and dry on the other" (Rio Grande during Prohibition)

"The only soda that will survive the apocalypse is Dr. Prepper"

"The only stock options I have are chicken and beef"

"The only stock options I have are chicken and beef"

"The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window"

"The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming"

"The only thin blue line I respect is a negative pregnancy test"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the Mississippi River"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the mountain coldness indicator on Coors Lite"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the one at the bottom of the pride flag"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the U.S. Postal Service"

"The only thin blue line I respect is the wetness indicator on a baby’s diaper"

"The only thin blue lines I respect are my local rivers and estuaries"

"The only thing a vegan can kill is a conversation"

"The only thing a vegan kills is a conversation"

"The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself"

"The only thing he brought to this job was his car"

"The only thing I fear more than the government shutting down is the government staying open"

"The only thing i have planned for today is to get my new glasses. Then I'll see what happens"

"The only thing I know for sure about today is coffee. Everything else is just wild speculation"

"The only thing I throwback on a Thursday is a glass of wine"

"The only thing I'm not good at is modesty, because I'm great at it"

"The only thing in Texas that changes faster than the weather is a woman's mind"

"The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist"

"The only thing not delivered by a truck is a baby"

"The only thing stopping me from smashing my alarmclock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone"

"The only thing that matters in wrestling are your teeth and your testicles"

"The only thing that should be rising is the people"

"The only thing that travels faster than light is weekends"

"The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans"

"The only thing that will survive the apocalypse is student loans"

"The only thing you can believe in the papers is the date"

"The only thing the prevent defense does is prevent you from winning"

"The only thing vegans kill is a conversation"

"The only thing we need from animals is forgiveness"

"The only thing worse than a buffering video is a buffering ad"

"The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is finding out the chef is bald"

"The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work"

"The only thing wrong with Austin is that it's surrounded by Texas"

"The only time a fisherman ever tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar"

"The only time a golfer tells the truth is when he calls another golfer a liar"

"The only time a hunter tells the truth is when he calls another hunter a liar"

"The only time a politician tells the truth is when he says that the other politician is a liar"

"The only time a politician tells the truth is when speaking about their opponents"

"The only time a woman is helpless is when her nail polish is drying"

"The only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other liars"

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire" (aviation adage)

"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"

The only town in Texas that's Knott Texas (Knott slogan)

"The only use of pennies is to avoid getting more"

"The only useful thing banks have invented in the last 20 years is the ATM"

"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen"

"The only way for baked evils to triumph is for baked goods to not be eaten"

"The only way to get ahead is to decapitate someone"

"The only way to lose weight by drinking green tea is to go to the mountain and pick it yourself"

"The only way to see New York" (Circle Line)

"The opening ceremony for my ribbon repair business was pretty confusing"

"The opera ain't over until the fat lady sings"

"The operation was successful, but the patient died"

"The opposite of a dominant chord is a submissive chord"

"The opposite of capitalism is lowercaseism"

"The opposite of Dr Pepper is Patient Salt"

"The opposite of Flavortown is Blandberg"

"The opposite of Flavortown is Blandland"

"The opposite of isolate is isoearly"

"The opposite of isolate is yousoearly"

"The opposite of New Orleans is Old Andfat"

"The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist invents the parachute"

"The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank..." (Imhoff's Law)

"The origami shop says business is in creasing"

The Other Big Apple (Meaford, Ontario nickname)

"The other day, I saw a guy dragging a clam on a leash..." (joke)

"The outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab"

"The 'pan' in pansexual is just short for pan pizza"

"The parking lot at clown school must be really small"

"The party always ends up in the kitchen"

"The party in power is smug; the party out of power is insane" (Jane's Law)

"The party's not over till you smile for the mugshot"

"The past is rewritten so fast that you don't know what will happen yesterday. -- Soviet joke"

"The past is your lesson. The present is your gift. The future is your motivation"

"The past tense of 'fit" is 'fat'"

"The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The path of inner peace begins with four words: not my fucking problem"

"The path to inner peace begins with 3 words: not my problem"

"The path to inner peace begins with four words: not my fucking problem"

"The path to inner peace begins with three words: not my problem"

"The pathway to glory is strewn with pitfalls and dangers" (Per Ardua ad Astra)

"The patriarchy isn't going to fight itself"

"The patriarchy isn't going to fuck itself"

"The patriarchy isn't going to smash itself"

"The patron saint of checking your bread rolls in the oven is St. John the Bap test"

"The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless"

"The pawns in chess are gender fluid"

"The pay stinks, but the benefits are out of this world" (religious work joke)

"The peasants are revolting" ("The people are revolting")

"The penalty for not participating in politics is to be governed by your inferiors"

"The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square, but the contractor kept cutting corners"

"The people against voter ID wanted you to show vaccine papers"

"The people get the government they deserve"

"The people have spoken...and they must be punished"

"The people have spoken -- the bastards!"

"The people on the 'right side of history' are usually fighting for freedom and liberty..."

"The people stand up for royalty. The queen sits down for royal tea"

"The people that want to own everything are telling us we will be happy with owning nothing"

"The people who take memes seriously are the same people who think the stripper likes them"

"The people who take politicians seriously are the same people who think the stripper likes them"

"The people who told you everything was fine because they were in control will shift to saying..."

"The people who told you you don’t need guns and walls have surrounded themselves with..."

The People's House (U.S. House of Representatives)

The People's Money (silver nickname)

People's Republic of Austin (Austin nickname)

"The performer is available for a limited number of cancellations"

"The person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it" (success/failure proverb)

"The person who doesn't know where his next dollar is coming from..."

"The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn. He orders a bear" (bar joke)

"The person who invented hand sanitizer must be rubbing their hands together right now"

"The person who named sweetbreads isn't allowed to name stuff anymore"

"The person who said 'All men are created equal' has never watched a porno movie"

"The person who would proof read Hitler's speeches was a grammar Nazi"

"The personal is political"

"The pessimist sees an obstacle in every opportunity; the optimist sees an opportunity..."

"The Pharmaceutical industry does not create cures. They create customers"

"The philosophy of the classroom in one generation will be the philosophy of government in the next"

"The phrase 'Built to stay free' is an anagram of what monument?" (riddle)

"The phrase 'it's not opposite day' is always true"

"The phrase 'working mother' is redundant"

"The Pillsbury Dough Boy is a great roll model"

"The Pillsbury Doughboy is a great roll model"

"The pirates were fighting with each other because they didn't have good anchor management"

"The plain fact of the matter is that New York is much too good for New Yorkers"

"The plan will be a phased plan that we plan to utilize in phases"

The Planet (Brooklyn)

"The plans for a paperless office looked really good...on paper"

"The play opened at 8:40 sharp and closed at 10:40 dull" (Broadway saying)

"The playoffs don't start until the home team loses a game"

"The police asked me if I would take a lie detector. I said yes..." (joke)

"The police say they burn all the weed they confiscate. That would explain the doughnuts"

"The poor pay tax. The middle-class pay accountants. The rich pay politicians"

"The popularity of origami is in creasing"

"The positive thinker sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible"

"The potato farmer who crossed the mob is sleeping with the knishes"

"Potatoes will cry their eyes out" (if next to onions)

"The power of the people is greater than the people in power"

"The power of the people is stronger than the people in power"

"The power you let government use today is the power they'll use on you tomorrow"

"The Powerball Jackpot is now up to a 24 pack of Charmin"

"The price of gold is understood by exactly two people in the entire world -- and they disagree"

"The problem is not who sits on the throne. The problem is that there is a throne to sit on"

"The problem isn't the abuse of power; it's the power to abuse"

"The problem that governments are trying to solve is the existence of your freedom"

"The problem with 9/11 jokes is that they never seem to land"

"The problem with being single is it's always my turn to do the dishes!"

"The problem with close-minded people is that their mouth is always open"

"The problem with close-minded people is that their mouths are always open"

"The problem with closed-minded people is that their mouth is always open"

"The problem with closed-minded people is that their mouths are always open"

"The problem with democracy is that those who need leaders are not qualified to choose them"

"The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you're finished"

"The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well"

"The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well"

"A problem with drinking with people from work is they’re the ones I bitch about when I’m drunk"

"The problem with guns is too few people carry one"

"The problem with having a job is that it gets in the way of being rich"

"The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are derivative, trig jokes are too graphic..."

"The problem with natural immunity is that it’s free"

"The problem with sex in the movies is that the popcorn usually spills"

"The problem with socialism is, you can vote your way into it, but you have to shoot your way out"

"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur"

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind"

"The problem with Workaholics Anonymous meetings is they never end"

"The Projects" (public housing projects)

"The prophecy has been fulfilled" ($7.11 gas at 7-Eleven store)

"The protected need to be further protected from the unprotected by forcing the unprotected..."

"The protected need to be protected from the unprotected by forcing the unprotected..."

"The pub is ten minutes from my house. However, my house is two hours from the pub"

The public be damned! (William H. Vanderbilt)

"The public cannot be too curious concerning the characters of public men"

"The public ignores a presidential election until after the World Series"

"The public stayed away in droves"

"The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines. It’s always the center of a tension"

"The punchline comes before the question. What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?"

"The punishment for tax evasion is getting to live off of other people's taxes"

"The purpose of a meme is to disturb the humorless, and to humor the disturbed"

"The purpose of NATO is to keep the Americans in, the Russians out and the Germans down"

"The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped"

"The Quarantini. It's just a regular martini, but you drink it all alone in your house"

The Queer Big Apple Corps (marching band)

The Queer Big Apple Corps (marching band, 2022-present)

"The quicker I give all my rights away, the quicker I will get them all back..."

"The quickest way to get a Democrat politician to put on a mask -- is to turn on a camera"

"The race is not always to the swift, but to those who keep on running"

"The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet"

"The race to Finland isn’t over until you cross the Finnish line"

"The radar gun gets you drafted, but you have to pitch to get to the big leagues" (baseball adage)

"The raised nail gets hammered down" (management proverb)

"The real conspiracy theorists believe that the government cares about them..."

"The real conspiracy theory is believing that you can replace your immune system with masks..."

"The real gun problem is, too few good people carry a good one"

"The real joke is always in the comments"

"The real menace to our republic is the invisible government"

"The real pandemic is how stupid everyone is"

"The real pandemic is stupidity"

"The real problem with FOX News is that it never actually reports on anything about foxes"

"The real 'problem' with guns is too few people carry one"

"The real problem with reality is the lack of background music"

"The real problem with the upcoming election is that one of them is going to win"

"The real problem with the upcoming election is that one of them is going to win"

"The real reason your golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing"

"The real virus is communism. Coronavirus is just how it spreads"

"The real virus is communism. Covid-19 is just how it spreads"

"The real winner in the 'every child gets a trophy' is the trophy making company"

"The reason there's a February 29 is because it takes a full day to explain what a leap year is"

"The reason Uncle Sam has to wear such a tall hat is that he's always passing it around"

"The reason Uncle Sam has to wear such a tall hat is that he's always passing it around"

"The reason why I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple... and messed everything up"

"The reason why I use Android is because Adam and Eve had an Apple... and fucked everything up"

"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit"

"The recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is..." (joke)

"The recipe for today: One cup cluster, Two cups fuck"

"The recipe said 'Set the oven to 180 degrees'" (joke)

"The regular season is where you make your name, but the postseason is where you make your fame"

"The relationship of a journalist to a politician should be that of a dog to a lamppost"

"The rent is too damn high!" (political party slogan and name)

"The Republic of Texas is no more" (Anson Jones on 1846 annexation)

"The resistance is not something you join. It's what you are"

"The resistance is not something you join. It's what you do"

"The resistance is not something you join. It's who you are"

"The restaurant advertised 'Chicken Dinner $1." I paid $1 and they gave me a bowl of corn"

"The restaurant sign says, 'Try our new menu.' I'm guessing it tastes like paper"

"The restaurant's special of the day was dalas. The waiter said it was mixed salad"

"The revolution will be memed"

"The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing"

"The reward for saving your money is being able to pay your taxes without borrowing"

"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more"

"The rewind on the remote of life does not work"

The Rialto (14th Street)

"The rich and powerful piss on us and the media tell us it's raining"

"The rich and powerful piss on us and the media tells us it's raining"

"The rich have advantages that money cannot buy"

"The rich invest in time, the poor invest in money"

"The richer you get, the more expensive happiness becomes"

"The right to bear arms means no tattoos"

"The Right Way to Invest" & Fireman's Carry symbol (Oppenheimer Funds)

"The (rising) star of Texas" (Texas State slogan)

"The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision"

"The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision"

"The road to a friend's house is never long"

Big Apple Corner (1992-1997)

"The road to hell is paved with Ivy League degrees"

"The road to success is always under construction" (business adage)

"The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places"

"The road to truth is paved with lost friends and offended strangers..."

"The road to tyranny is paved with people telling you to stop questioning everything"

"The roadside farm sign said: 'DUCK, EGGS'" (joke)

"The rodeo ain't over till the bull riders ride"

"The Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL" (i.e., weight gain at 40 makes one Xtra Large)

"The room was so small, I had to go out in the hall to change my mind"

"The rotation of the earth really makes my day"

"The Royal Albert Hall is the only place a modern composer can hear his music twice"

"The sad moment when you lose a chip in the dip, so you send a recon chip to save it..."

"The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket"

"The Sahara desert walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The same people that are angrily demanding you tolerate and accept their way of life, hate you passionately for yours"

"The same people who sell the panic, sell the vaccine"

"The scariest part of that song 'Born to be Wild' is when they find a head out on the highway"

"The school board wishes you a speedy recovery, by a vote of 4-3"

"The score is still 0-0 -- you haven't missed anything" (joke)

The Scotsman's Kilt

The Scottish Business (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

The Scottish Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

The Scottish Tragedy (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

"The scrawny personal trainer had to give a too weak notice"

"The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli"

"The season of leggings and yoga pants is upon us"

"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it"

"The secret ingredient is always love"

"The secret ingredient is always love...and butter"

"The secret ingredient is love"

"The secret ingredient is love...and butter"

"The secret ingredient is one heaping teaspoon of love"

"The secret of eternal youth is arrested development"

"The secret of success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching"

"The secret to a clean kitchen is simple. Don't cook. Ever"

"The secret to a happy life is to drink coffee and avoid talking to morons"

"The secret to dancing is pretending you have a wedgie and trying to get it unstuck without hands"

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started"

"The secret to happiness is as easy as A-B-C: Always Brew Coffee"

"The secret to living well & longer is: eat well, walk double, laugh triple & love without measure"

"The secret to managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the five who are undecided"

"The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons"

"The self-deprecation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down"

"The self-depreciation society is taking applications for new members. I've already put myself down"

"The Senate is the enemy" (House of Representatives saying)

"The Senate is the saucer into which we pour legislation to cool" (Senatorial saucer)

"The serve was invented so that the net can play" (tennis joke)

"The seven ages of man are spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills"

The Shack (police reporters area)

"The shape of soup is a circle"

"The shape of soup is round"

The Shawarma (nickname of Vessel at Hudson Yards)

"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room"

"The Shortcut to Mexico" & "The Mex! Without the Tex" (Guajillo's in San Antonio)

"The shortest book in the world is called 'Great Jewish Sports Heroes'"

"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction"

"The show must go on" (show business adage)

"The show must go wrong" (show business adage)

Showplace of the Nation (Radio City Music Hall)

"The sideline is a defender's best friend"

"The sign in my hotel room said, 'Not responsible for stolen items.' So I stole some stuff"

"The sign said, 'Employees must wash hands.' I waited, but I finally washed them myself"

"The sign says 'Wait for Hostess to be Seated' but the bitch will NOT SIT DOWN!"

"The sign says you're open 24 hours." / "Not in a row!" (joke)

"The Signature of American Style" (Lord & Taylor)

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place"

"The single greatest tool of oppression is ignorance"

"The six stages of evil: First we overlook evil. Then we permit evil. Then we legalize evil..."

The Six (Toronto, Canada nickname)

"The Sky's the Limit" (Midland slogan)

"The slow man with integrity will ultimately catch the swift one who has none"

"The slower it comes off, the longer it stays off" (weight loss adage)

"The smell of breakfast is the best alarm clock"

"The smell of coffee in the morning is the best alarm clock"

"The smell of coffee is the best alarm clock"

"The soccer goalkeeper invited my son and me to a party. It was the father, son and the goalie host"

"The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran"

"The Soviet Union made the best bread in history. People would wait days in line for it!"

"The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing"

"The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing"

"The spell czech on my computer has never failed me"

Sport of Kings (polo nickname)

"The sports page records people's accomplishments and the front page has nothing but man's failures"

"The spring blossoms get you out of your head and out working in the garden"

"The square root of -1 walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"The Stanley Cup is the toughest championship to win"

"The Starbucks barista was wearing a face mask. It was a coughy filter"

"The start of the Girl Scout cookie season marks the end of the New Year's resolution season"

"The state bird is the (construction) crane"

"The state does nothing, and can give nothing, which it does not take from somebody"

"The state is a system that requires people of integrity to run it..."

"The state is the mafia pretending to be a human rights organization"

"The State of the Union Address does not take place in any state in the union"

"The Staten Island Ferry is the poor man's Circle Line"

"The statesman shears the sheep, the politician skins them"

"The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!"

"The Statue of Liberty has been trying to hail a taxi for years!"

"The stickiest of King Arthur's knights was Sir Up"

"The stock market abhors uncertainty" & "Money runs from uncertainty" (Wall Street adage)

"The stock market has spoiled more appetites than bad cooking"

"The stock market is a barometer of business"

"The stock market trades to inflict the maximum amount of pain"

"The stock price is a hollow god"

"The story of milk: Good milk, bad milk, cheese!"

"The streets are desserted. Cake and ice cream everywhere"

"The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people"

The Stroll (Seventh Ave. between 131-132 Streets)

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us..."

"The strongest weapon in the United States is a patriotic American"

"The Sturgeon King" (Barney Greengrass)

"The subway is just a moving waiting room"

"The suck"

"The sun and the sand and a drink in my hand"

"The sun don't shine on the same dog's butt every day" (investment proverb)

"The sun has riz, the sun has set, and here we is in Texas yet"

"The sun is up, the sky is blue, my coffee's so delicious I think I'll have two!"

"The sun will rise and we will try again"

"The Supreme Court follows the election returns" ("Judges follow the election returns")

"The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream"

"The Supreme Court isn't final because it's supreme, it's supreme because it's final"

"The system didn't fail. The system worked. That's the problem"

"The system isn't broken. It was built that way"

"The system isn't broken. It was built this way"

"The system isn't broken. It was designed that way"

"The system isn't broken. It was designed this way"

"The system isn't broken. It was made that way"

"The system isn't broken. It was made this way"

"The system isn't broken. It's fixed"

"The system was never broken. It was built this way"

"The system will have you thinking 'legal' means 'right', but remember slavery was legal"

"The system works because you work"

"The tape tells the story" (Wall Street proverb)

"The task ahead of you is never greater than the strength within you"

"The tassel's worth the hassle"

"The tax code is longer than the Bible, but without the good news"

"The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back"

"The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad" (joke)

"The team in first on July 4th will win the pennant" (baseball adage)

"The team that gets the best player wins the trade"

"The team that won't be beaten can't be beaten"

"The team, the team, the team"

"The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper" (summer to fall)

"The term 'street tacos' implies the existence of off-road tacos"

"The term 'street tacos' implies the existence of park, vert, slalom, and downhill tacos"

"The term 'street tacos' infers the existence of 'sidewalk tacos'"

"The 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' film was a big lie. They didn't damage a single chainsaw"

"The Texas legislature should meet two days every 140 years"

"The therapist said I can get over my fear of buffets. But first, I've got to want to help myself"

"The thing about smart people is that they seem like crazy people to dumb people"

"The thing about Workaholics Anonymous is that if you have time to come to the meetings..."

"The third hand on a clock is also the second hand"

"The thought of going back to life without a mask scares me..." (joke)

"The three C's of life: Choice. Chance. Change. You must make the choice to take the chance"

"The three stages of tequila: I'm fine... I'm drinking... I'm invisible..."

"The time to live in New York is when you're young and poor, or old and rich"

"The toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you'll kiss tomorrow"

"The toilet paper 'crisis' confirms that we have more assholes than we thought"

"The toughest fades are the best trades"

"The toughest job you'll ever love" (Peace Corps; teaching; nursing; parenting)

"The town which can't support one lawyer can always support two lawyers" (LBJ)

The Town Without a Toothache (Hereford slogan)

"The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name" (golf saying)

"The trend is your friend" (Wall Street proverb)

"The trouble with being a good sport is that you have to lose to prove it"

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it"

"The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older"

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is nobody appreciates how difficult it was"

"The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate"

"The trouble with living alone is that it's always my turn to do the dishes"

"The trouble with New York is that it’s so convenient to everything I can’t afford"

"The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field"

"The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected to office"

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off"

"The trouble with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money"

"The trouble with staying home from work is that you have to drink coffee on your own time"

"The trouble with the last snowfall of the season is that you can't be sure"

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat"

"The trouble with today's taxes is that they keep your take-home pay from ever getting there"

"The trouble with unemployment is that you never get a day off"

"The true administration of justice is the firmest pillar of good government"

"The true entrepreneur is a doer, not a dreamer"

"The truth does not mind being questioned. A lie does not like being challenged"

"The truth does not require your participation to exist. Bullshit does"

"The truth is extreme. To make it moderate is to lie"

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will shatter your illusions"

"The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable"

"The truth will set you free, but first it will shatter your illusions"

"The truth will set you free. Except on Facebook, where it will get you a 30-day ban"

"The tug is the drug" or "The tug is my drug" (fishing saying)

"The tune that old cow died on must have been written in beef flat"

The Turk (person to cut a player from the team)

"The turtle took two chocolates to Texas to teach Thomas to tie his boots"

"The TV told me that if I eat bugs and enslave myself on behalf of the ruling 1% that the weather will get gooder...."

"The tv told me that if I eat bugs and pay more money to the government the weather will be gooder"

"The TV told me that if I pay money to the government and accept totalitarian surveillance state the weather will be gooder"

"The TV told me that if I pay money to the government the weather will be gooder"

"The TW in Twitter stands for Time Wasted"

"The two enemies of the people are criminals and government..."

"The two happiest days in a time traveler's life..." (joke)

"The two happiest days of a man's life—the day he bought the boat and the day he sold the boat"

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why"

"The two most important things about money are, to make it first, then make it last"

"The two worst feelings in the world are not having a job and having a job"

"The tyrants don't create the tyranny. Your obedience does"

"The U.S. government is an insurance company with a sideline business in defense"

"The U.S. government is an insurance company with an army"

"The ugliness of ignorant ideas is BEAUTIFUL compared to the horror of everyone's mouth sewn shut"

"The ultimate liquid measure is the supreme quart"

"The UN is really just a country club"

The Unexpected Borough (Staten Island)

"The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced"

"The United States is the greatest country in the nation"

"The United States of America does not have friends; it has interests"

The United States of Goldman Sachs

"The universe is made of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons"

"The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf"

The Unmentionable Play (name used to avoid "Macbeth" curse)

"The unvaccinated are not a threat to society. They are a threat to authority"

"The upper crust is a bunch of crumbs held together by a lot of dough"

"The U.S. dollar is the best-looking horse in the glue factory"

"The U.S. dollar is the cleanest dirty shirt"

"The U.S. dollar is the leper with the most fingers"

"The U.S. should add three more states. Because 53 is a prime number. Then they can truly be one nation, indivisible"

"The USA: A country so great that even her haters refuse to leave"

"The USA became the land of the free because regular citizens had military-grade weapons"

"The USA is having so many disasters you'd think it was built on ancient Indian burial grounds"

"The used car salesman knows when he's lying" (joke)

"The vaccine should be tested on politicians first. If they survive, the vaccine is safe..."

"The Vatican police speak pig Latin"

"The vice presidency is a spare tire on the automobile of government"

"The vice presidency isn't worth a pitcher of warm spit" (John Nance Garner to Lyndon B. Johnson)

The Village (airplane coach seating section)

"The 'W' in Wednesday stands for wine"

"The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just kind of a tired feeling"

"The waiter said, 'Your table will be ready shortly'" (at the IKEA restaurant)

"The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country..."

"The war machine wins every U.S. presidential election"

"The Washington monument looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton"

"The way out of trouble is never as simple as the way in"

"The way taxes are today, you might as well marry for love"

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

"The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation"

"The way to make money is to identify the trend whose premise is false, then bet against it"

"The weather is like the government, always in the wrong"

"The weather is so nice I think I'll go outside and watch other people run"

"The weather is so nice I think I'll go outside and watch other people run"

"The weather just went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper" (summer to fall)

"The weather outside is frightful, but the wine is so delightful"

"The weekend should get a speeding ticket"

"The West wasn't won with a registered gun"

"The whiter your bread, the sooner you’re dead"

"The whole country would be tested by midnight if Chick-fil-A was running the drive-thru"

"The whole point of living in New York City is indoors. You want greenery? Order the spinach"

"The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows"

"The whole salad dressing industry exists because people really just don't like the taste of salad"

"The wife and I have been in lockdown for eight days now. No fucking way I'm retiring"

"The wife bet I couldn't make a spaghetti car. Then I drove pasta"

"The wife wants me to sell my exercise bike because I 'don't use it'..."

"The will must be stronger than the skill"

"The will of the people is stronger than the noise of politicians"

"The Winter Olympics: Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn"

"The wise man poops on company time. The foolish man waits until his break"

"The woods are full of long hitters" (golf adage)

"The word 'cheese' is cancelled. Everyone must now call it a loaf of milk"

"The word 'Fat' just looks like someone took a bite out of the word 'Eat'"

"The word 'homeowner' has the word 'meow' in it. Good luck pronouncing it correctly ever again"

"The word 'politics' is derived from 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' meaning 'parasites'"

"The word 'vocabulary' isn't even in my -- "

"The word 'vocabulary' isn't even in my stock of words"

"The working class pay taxes. The middle class pay accountants. The upper class pay politicians"

"The world does not owe you anything. You are not a loan"

"The World Health Organization has said dogs are immune to COVID-19. WHO let the dogs out"

"The world is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something"

"The world is full of apathy, but I don't care"

"The world is not full of assholes, but they are strategically placed so that you come across one"

"The world is now Vegas. Everybody's losing money, it's acceptable to drink at all hours..."

"The world is now Vegas. Everyone is losing money, it's acceptable to drink at all hours..."

"The world is run by those who show up"

"The world is your lobster"

"The world is your taco"

"The world is your taco. Fill it with what you want"

"The world needs ditch diggers, too"

"The world owes me a living"

"The world would be a better place if more things were wrapped in bacon"

The World's Borough (Queens)

"The World's Greatest Newspaper" (SCREW)

"The world's most prolific Facebook user sadly passed away. We shall not see his Like again"

"The world's not that bad. It's your government that sucks"

"The worst advice is free advice" ("The most expensive advice is free advice")

The Worst Airline (Trans World Airlines or TWA backronymic nickname)

"The worst kind of loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself"

"The worst lead in hockey is a two-goal lead"

"The worst part about Friday is realizing it's only Tuesday"

"The worst part about Friday is realizing it's only Wednesday"

"The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses"

"The worst part about turning the clocks back is having to endure an extra hour of 2020"

"The worst part of my apple addiction is not being able to see a doctor about it"

"The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn"

"The worst spread for a bagel has to be the pap shmear"

"The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them"

"The worst thing about an apple addiction is that you can't see a doctor about it"

"The worst thing about censorship is -- "

"The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses"

"The worst thing about running the Chinese Marathon? Hitting the Wall"

The worst part of spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is..."

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades"

The Year the Big Apple Went Bust (book by Fred Ferretti, 1976)

The Young Turds or The Dumb Turds (The Young Turks nickname)

"The earth is not overpopulated, the government is"

"Theater is a verb before it is a noun, an act before it is a place"

Theater Row

"Theatre is life, film is art, and television is furniture"

Theatre of the Absurd (Theater of the Absurd)

Theatre of the Absurd, 2005

Theft by Cop (civil asset forfeiture)

"Their plan for a paperless office looked good, on paper"

"The key to happiness is to find a woman who can cook, clean and is great in bed" (joke)

"Them awkward days between Christmas and New Year when you don't know what day it is"

"Them: 'Mandatory buy back' Me: How can you buy back something that never belonged to you?"

"Them that has, gets"

Themhattan (them + Manhattan)

ThemTube (YouTube nickname)

"Then you were a prospect and now you are a client" (joke)

"There are 10 genders. Because gender is binary"

"There are 1,013,913 words in the English language, but I could never put any of them together..."

"There are 13 minerals that are essential to human life, and all of them are found in wine"

"There are a thousand ways to lose a horse race and only one way to win"

"There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough.."

"There are better things in the world than alcohol, but alcohol sort of compensates"

"There are but two parties now, traitors and patriots"

"There are conspiring satanic billionaires paying lying millionaires to keep telling brainwashed..."

"There are days when I need coffee to come out of the shower head"

"There are days when we need to drink our coffee strong, play our music loud and get our stuff done"

"There are four dimensions to most things we buy these days: length, width, height and debt"

"There are friends, there is family, and then there are friends that become family"

"There are Lunchables, but no Breakfastables"

There are many apples on the tree, but when you pick NYC, you pick the Big Apple (1975)

"There are many different apple flavors, but only one apple juice flavor"

"There are many good reasons for drinking, and one has just entered my head..."

"There are many possible reasons to sell a stock, but only one reason to buy" (Wall Street adage)

"There are more Baptists than people in Texas"

"There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any"

"There are no accidental visits by politicians"

"There are no accidents in politics"

"There are no atheists in foxholes"

"There are no bears living on Park Avenue"

"There are no called strikes in investing"

"There are no dull stories, only dull reporters"

"There are no ex-Marines"

"There are no fish under the ice!" (ice fishing joke)

"There are no guilty men in prison" (prison adage)

"There are no gun 'bans.' There are only government monopolies on guns"

"There are no jobs on a dead planet"

"There are no lost causes because there are no gained causes"

"There are no markets anymore, just interventions"

"There are no new stories, only new reporters" (journalism adage)

"There are no small parts, only small actors" (theatre adage)

"There are no traffic jams along the extra mile"

"There are no votes in foreign aid" (political adage)

"There are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin"

"'There are no words in English that have all vowels in alphabetical order,' he said facetiously"

"There are old pilots and bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots"

"There are old traders and bold traders, but there are no old, bold traders"

"There are only three lawyer jokes –- the rest are true stories"

"There are only two absolutes in life: friends and vodka. And the best times usually involve both"

"There are only two great plays -- 'South Pacific' and put the ball in the basket"

"There are only two ingredients to ice cream soup -- ice cream and patience"

"There are only two kinds of music -- good music and bad music"

"There are only two places in this league: first place and no place"

"There are only two places you should never attempt a drop pass -- home and away" (hockey adage)

"There are only two sports in Texas -- football and spring football (practice)"

"There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe -- call in sick"

"There are over 7,500 different types of apple, but only one 'apple juice'"

"There are several reasons for drinking, and one has just entered my head..."

"There are so many scams on the Internet. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them"

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them"

"There are some things you can only learn in a storm"

"There are some things you can only learn in a storm"

"There are things we are taught to accept without question..."

"There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy"

"There are three dimensions to credit cards: length, width and debt"

"There are three good reasons to be a teacher: June, July and August"

"There are three kinds of mathematician: those who can count and those who can't"

"There are three parties in Congress: Republicans, Democrats and Appropriators"

"There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can't"

"There are three ways to come out of this lockdown. A hunk, a chunk or a drunk. Your choice!"

"There are too many people counting calories and not enough people counting chemicals"

"There are two classes of people, those who are Irish and those who lack ambition"

"There are two kinds of congressmen -- show horses and work horses"

"There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead"

"There are two kinds of people: Bacon lovers and liars"

"There are two kinds of people: Bacon lovers and sad people"

"There are two kinds of people: Coffee people and sad people"

"There are two kinds of people in this world: givers and takers"

"There are two kinds of people in this world: People who love bacon, and liars"

"There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2"

"There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know"

"There are two seasons in the North -- winter and road construction"

"There are two sides to every story -- and then there's the truth"

"There are two theories about how things happen in Washington: consensus or crisis"

"There are two types of pain: Pain that hurts you and pain that changes you"

"There are two types of people: Coffee people and sad people"

"There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data"

"There are two types of people in this world. Avoid both"

"There are two types of people in this world: People you want to drink with and people who make..."

"There are two types of people: those who trust the government and those who have read history"

"There are two types of windows -- windows that leak and windows that will leak"

"There are two ways to conquer and enslave a nation. One is by the sword. The other is by debt"

"There are two ways to run for office -- scared or unopposed" (political adage)

"There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works"

"There can be no higher law in journalism than to tell the truth and shame the devil"

"There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question is, the answer is always wine"

"There goes the neighborhood"

"There, I guess King George will be able to read that!" (John Hancock?)

"There is a big difference between confidence and conceit"

"There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'"

"There is a button on my oven that says 'stop time'"

"There is a cure for buffetphobia, but first you’ve got to want to help yourself"

"There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?"

"There is a guy stealing iPhones around the town. He is probably going to face time"

"There is a lot more juice in a grapefruit than meets the eye"

"There is a providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children, and the United States of America"

"There is a saying about April: It is a wonderful month filled with love, happiness & various fools"

"There is a self depreciation course starting at my college next term. I've already put myself down"

"There is a special place in hell reserved for people that break the '10 items or less' rule"

"There is a time and a place for decaf coffee. Never and in the trash"

"There is a time and place for wine –- in my hand and now"

"There is absolutely no excuse for laziness. But if you find one, let me know"

"There is always free cheese in a mousetrap"

"There is angel investing. Is there devil investing?"

"There is another side to the pancake" (another opinion or look)

"There is hardly anything that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper"

"There is magic in the air and it's called WiFi"

"There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle" (proverb)

"There is more law at the end of a policeman's nightstick than in a decision of the Supreme Court"

"There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else"

"There is never a line for the restroom at a waterpark"

"There is never a line to the urinal at a water park"

"There is never one cockroach" (business adage)

"There is no back row" (online classroom adage)

"There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger"

"There is no Catholic way to cook a hamburger" (judicial adage)

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can control the firm resolve of a determined soul"

"There is no dish that requires you to exclusively use both a spoon and a knife"

"There is no education in the second kick of a mule"

"There is no education in the second kick of a mule"

"There is no education like adversity"

"There is no excuse for animal abuse"

"There is no First Amendment without the Second Amendment"

"There is no glory in practice, but without practice, there is no glory"

"There is no greater disease than fear; and there is no greater threat than those who weaponize it"

"There is no gym for your face"

"There is no 'I' in stupidity"

"There is no 'I' in team, but there is in win"

"There is no law so trivial that the government won't kill you to enforce it"

"There is no law so trivial that the police won't kill you to enforce it"

"There is no law so trivial that the state won't kill you to enforce it"

"There is no left or right. There is only tyranny and freedom"

"There is no left or right. There is only tyranny or freedom"

"There is no life without water because water is needed to make coffee"

"There is no plan to fix anything because the plan was to destroy everything"

"There is no Planet B"

"There is no possibility of informed consent while adverse reactions are being censored"

"There is no substitute for hard work"

"There is no substitute for hard work"

"There is no such thing as a cheap politician" (Ferdinand Lundberg's Law)

"There is no such thing as a good tax"

"There is no such thing as a little garlic"

"There Is No Such Thing As A Pitching Prospect" (TINSTAAPP)

"There's no such thing as government. It's just other individuals telling you what to do"

"There is no such thing as overtraining, only undereating" (bodybuilding adage)

"There is no such thing as vegan food. It is either vegan or it isn't food"

"There is no talent so ardently supported, nor generously rewarded, as the ability to convince parasites they are victims"

"There is no truth in news and no news in truth" (Russian Izvestia and Pravda adage)

"There is no 'we' in pizza"

"There is no WiFi in the forest, but I promise you will find a better connection"

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate"

"There is nothing inherently wrong with fiat money, provided we get perfect authority"

"There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted"

"There is nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your house is haunted"

"There is nothing more grotesque than a media pushing for war"

"There is nothing so disturbing to one's well-being and judgment as to see a friend get rich"

"There is nothing so good for the inside of a man as the outside of a horse" (horse-riding adage)

"There is nothing wrong with sex on television as long as you don't fall off"

"There is nothing wrong with the charts, only the chartists"

"There is one advantage to having nothing -- it never needs repair"

"There is one day that is ours. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American."

"There is only one and this is it" (Carnegie Deli)

"There is only one bad word: taxes"

"There is only one fruitcake -- it just keeps getting sent around"

"There is only one thing better than a glass of wine. A bottle"

"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking"

"There need to be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation"

"There needs to be a restaurant named Chick-fil-B open exclusively on Sundays"

"There never was a horse that couldn't be rode or a man that couldn't be throwed" (Will James)

"There once was a dog named Tax. I opened the door and income Tax"

"There once was a girl who loved pi..." (limerick)

"There ought to be more dancing"

"There oughta be a law!"

"There should be a calorie refund for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected"

"There should be a Godzillow app where you can buy houses Godzilla has smashed for really cheap"

"There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work on Mondays"

"There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks"

"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation"

"There was a crime spree at IKEA. Police are having a hard time putting the pieces together"

"There was a fight at the fish and chip shop. The fish got battered"

"There was a fire at my local dollar store. Damage is estimated to be in the tens of dollars"

"There was a gathering on a golf course. I guess you could call it a par-tee"

"There was a guy who played the organ in his garden to get organically grown food"

"There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol has on walking..."

"There was a shootout in The Gap. There were many casual-tees"

"There was an early bird special, so I ordered Archaeopteryx"

"There was an explosion at the cheese factory. De brie was everywhere"

"There was Chop Suey all over my bed this morning. I've been sleep wokking again"

"There was laughter back of the theater, leading to the belief that somebody was telling jokes"

"There were two types of Jews in 1933 -- optimists and pessimists"

"There would be no game of chess if the pawns refused to play"

"There’s elbow macaroni, but no knuckle macaroni"

"There's a certain irony to getting married on Independence Day"

"There's a chance this is wine" (written on a mug or container)

"There’s a correlation between how poorly a job pays and how many inspirational quotes there are"

"There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator" (math joke)

"There's a man at work who plays heavy metal all day. He's office rocker"

"There’s a moron in every office. They usually get paid more than you"

"There's a new pie shop near me. It’s open 22/7"

"There's a nudist convention in my town tomorrow. I might go if I've got nothing on"

"There's a reason the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror"

"There's a reason why 'sober' and 'so bored' sound almost exactly the same"

"There's a reason you take kids to pick apples, but don't take them to a slaughterhouse"

There's a sucker born every minute (NY gambler slang, but not P. T. Barnum)

"There's a tweet for everything"

"There's a $20 fee to leave your apartment" (joke)

"There's a urinary side effect to the new Pfizer vaccine. It makes your p silent"

"There's a woman in the park who sells batteries. She sells C cells by the seesaw"

"There's a woman who sells batteries by a convenience store. She sells C cells by the C-store"

"There's always a bull market somewhere"

"There's always room at the top"

"There's always room for dessert"

"There's always room for Jell-O"

"There’s always that one pistachio that just tastes terrible"

"There's always time for a glass of wine"

"There's always work at the post office"

"There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called 'camera'"

"There's an app on my phone that makes me look fat. It's called 'camera'"

"There's banana juice, but bananas don't have juice"

"There's boxing and then there's heavyweight boxing" (boxing adage)

"There's life outside the internet."/"Send me the link."

"There's more than one way to peel an orange"

"There's more than one way to skin a cat"

"There’s never just one wet butt in a canoe. We’re all in this together"

"There's no bad publicity except an obituary"

"There’s no better biodegradable spoon than a tortilla chip"

"There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap"

"There's no business like Shoah business"

"There's no crying in baseball!" ("There's no sentiment in baseball")

"There’s no excuse for anyone to work harder than you do"

"There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one"

"There's no fever like gold fever"

"There's no future in becoming a historian"

"There’s no 'I' in denial"

"There's no 'I' in 'team'"

"There's no 'I' in team, but there are two in schizophrenia"

"There's no 'I' in 'team,' but there is a 'me'"

"There's no life without water. Without water, there's no coffee. Without coffee, I'll kill you all"

"There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday"

"There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let others get inspired by your imperfections"

"There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let people get inspired by your imperfections"

"There's no place like home" ("Home, Sweet Home")

"There's no place like home, except grandma's"

"There's no plan to fix anything because the plan was to destroy everything"

"There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise" (pun)

"There's no point in being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway"

"There's no quit in him"

"There's no room for BS in my life, unless it's Burritos and Salsa"

"There's no secret about success -- a successful man will tell you about it"

"There's no such thing as a bad audition" (performing arts adage)

"There's no such thing as a routine traffic stop" (police adage)

"There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong gear" (running adage)

"There's no such thing as good money or bad money -- there's just money"

"There’s no such thing as government funded. It’s all taxpayer funded"

"There's no training for garbage men. They pick it up as they go along"

"There's no way like the American way. World's highest standard of living"

"There's no ‘we’ in bacon"

"There's no 'we' in chocolate"

"There’s no 'we' in food"

"There's no 'we' in fries"

"There's no 'we' in pizza"

"There's no 'we' in tacos"

"There's not enough coffee in the world"

"There's not one dime's worth of difference in the two parties"

"There’s nothing a cup of coffee can’t fix. If not, make it two"

"There's nothing between Amarillo and the North Pole except a barbed wire fence"

"There's nothing in the middle of the road except yellow stripes and dead armadillos"

"There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it’s cold. Over ice..."

"There's nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your dorm is haunted"

"There's nothing like the sound of a child's laughter to remind you that your hotel room is haunted"

"There’s nothing more mean spirited than the average ghost"

"There's nothing sweeter than a cup of bitter coffee"

"There's nothing wrong with me a little ice cream won't fix"

"There's nothing wrong with show business that good shows won't cure"

"There's now an avian strain of coronavirus. One flu over the cuckoo's nest"

"There’s one rule in life and one rule in cooking; when in doubt, add some more wine"

"There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk. Up"

"There's Only One New York" (NY1 News)

"There's only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it"

"There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."/"Which is?"

"There's only one thing better than a glass of wine. Two glasses of wine"

"There's plenty of room for all God's creatures -- right next to the mashed potatoes"

"There's regular crazy and then there's crazy with an internet connection crazy"

"There's snow place like home"

"There's snowplace like home"

"There's something missing in my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito"

"There's something missing in my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a pizza"

"There's too much blood in my caffeine system"

"There's too much cheese on it...said no one ever"

"There's too much cheese on this pizza...said no one ever"

"There's too much month left at the end of the money"

"There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami..."

"Thermopylae had her messenger of defeat, but the Alamo had none"

"Thermostrocka Mortimer" or "Thermostrocker Mortimer" (Cactus Pryor)

"These 2 day weekends are starting to feel a lot like 30 minute lunches"

"These days govt. is a four-letter word"

"These days you can't even say 'black paint' any more" (NSFW joke)

"These fruit delivery trucks are driving me bananas"

"These Korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks"

"These pretzels are making me thirsty"

"These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down"

"These weekends are starting to feel like 30 min lunch breaks"

"These weekends are starting to feel like a 30 minute lunch break"

"They all laughed when I wore one puff pastry boot. But now the choux's on the other foot"

"They all share the same kitchen" (East 6th Street Indian restaurant joke)

"They are giving away free money!! At a place called 'work'"

"They are not after your guns. They are after you. The guns are just in the way"

"They are not after your guns. They are after you. Your guns are just in their way"

"They aren't making yardsticks any longer"

"They asked if I could sing solo -- so low they can't hear me"

"They asked if I could sing tenor -- ten or twelve miles away"

"They call it fishing, not catching"

"They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken"

"THEY call it 'summer break.' TEACHERS call it 'recovery'"

"They call it 'take-home pay' because it's too little to go home by itself"

"They call us dreamers, but we're the ones who don't sleep"

"They came to do good and stayed to do well" (Washington bureaucrats/politicians)

"They can't balance the budget, but they all become millionaires"

"They can't balance the budget, but they're all millionaires"

"They cheated in the last election. Better vote them out this time"

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that’s real small pieces"

"They did not isolate a virus. They isolated you"

"They divide with fear. We unite with courage"

"They don’t ban hate speech. They ban speech they hate"

"They don't get big by being dumb" (hunting and fishing adage)

"They don't have enchiladas in Europe. They have centimeterladas"

"They don't have to say it's martial law if they call it a quarantine"

"They don't like it when your authenticity is louder than their facade"

"They don't make things like they used to -- and they never did"

"They don’t want to ban guns. They want a monopoly on them"

"They don't want to ban hate speech. They want to ban speech they hate"

"They don't want you to have free speech. so they invented the term 'hate speech' to shut you up"

"They eat anything with legs except a table and anything with wings except an airplane"

"They finally made a documentary about clocks. It's about time!"

"They finally published my book about sex with herbs. It's about f*cking thyme!"

"They gave their tomorrow for our today"

"They gave their tomorrows for our todays”

"They have fought grandly, nobly, and we must have more of them"

"They have plant based burgers, but not a meat based salad"

"They keep saying that nobody wants to work anymore but really... nobody wants to be overworked & underpaid anymore"

"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now"

"They met in cooking class. It was boil meets grill"

"They need to bring back teaching binary in schools. That's just my 10 cents"

"They need to build golf courses for people who aren’t that into golf but just want to drink and drive"

"They never told me which machine, so I've been raging against toasters"

"They now say exercising for at least one hour a week can half your chances of getting Alzheimer's"

"They only call it class war when we fight back"

"They picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone else works twice as hard"

"They pretend to pay us and we pretend to work" (Soviet joke)

"They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store..." (virus joke)

"They said I could be anything, so I decided to be caffeinated"

"They say a banana a day cleans your colon. Then I found out you're meant to eat them"

"They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less"

"They say cows are bad for the environment, but all they do is eat plants & fart. Kinda like vegans"

"They say cows are bad for the environment. They eat plants and fart, kinda like vegetarians"

"They say do what you love and the money will follow" (joke)

"They say I have the best ass below 14th Street"

"They say Jesus was a Carpenter, but you never see his name on any of their albums"

"They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... *coughs*"

"They say marijuana is a gateway drug. To what? The fridge?"

"They say money has germs, but even a germ couldn't live on the money I make"

"They say never go food shopping when you're hungry, but it's been over a week"

"They say one glass of wine a day is good for you. They never said how many times to fill it"

"They say politics makes strange bedfellows, but it’s the taxpayer who has the nightmare"

"They say Republicans are for the rich, Democrats are for the poor"

"They say the food you eat can affect your sex life. I have to stop eating Minute Rice"

"They say the food you eat can affect your sex life. Some people need to stop eating minute rice"

"They say the meaning of life can be found in a bottle of wine. I haven't found that bottle yet..."

"They say there's safety in numbers. Tell that to six million Jews"

"They say you are what you eat. I don't remember eating a big disappointment"

"They say you are what you eat. I bought ready to eat apricots..."

"They say you are what you eat. That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast for breakfast"

"They say you are what you eat. That's funny. I don't remember eating a sexy beast this morning"

"They say you are what you eat. Today I bought some ready to eat chicken..."

"They say you can’t fix stupid. Turns out you can’t quarantine it, either"

"They say you find love in every corner. My life must be a circle"

"They say you should test your fire alarm every month. That would cost a fortune in houses"

"They should first test the COVID vaccine on government officials..."

"They should let everyone on hold with customer service talk to one another"

"They should put more wine in the bottle so there's enough for two people"

"They should start reporting the number of kids that go missing every day the way they report Covid"

"They should stock ATM's better. I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds"

"They sleep, we grind. They dream, we shine"

"They somehow managed to demonize coughs, sniffles and having no symptoms at all..."

"They sure don't make time machines like they're going to!"

"They talk about me like a dog"

"They tried to bury us, but they didn't know we were seeds"

"They tried to kill us...we won...let's eat!" (Jewish holiday parody)

"They who drink beer think beer"

"They who drink of the San Antonio River will return"

"They wouldn't need to censor us if we were wrong"

Theyhattan (they + Manhattan)

"They're called Karen because they be Karen too much about things that don't concern them"

"They're called the left because they're never right"

"They're making a male version of Amazon Alexa. It doesn't listen to anything"

"They're not after our guns. They're after us. Our guns are just in their way"

"They're not illegal firearms. They're just undocumented firearms trying to live in sanctuary homes"

"They're not saying 'boo,' they're saying 'Lou' (Piniella)" (sports cheer)

"They're off!" (horse racing starting call)

"They're playing our song" (romantic drama dialogue)

TheyTube (YouTube nickname)

Thieves' Alley (5 Norfolk Street)

Thieves' Lair (Longacre Square/Times Square)

Thieves' Market (between Delancey and Houston Streets in Manhattan)

"Thieves steal and run; politicians run and steal"

"Thieves wear sneakers, artists wear sketchers and language teachers wear converse"

"Thieves who stole 3 tons of tarmac have been hiding. Police are hoping they will resurface soon"

"Thin Mints implies the existence of Fat Mints"

"Thin Mints implies the existence of Thicc Mints"

"Thin Mints implies the existence of Thick Mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of average and plus-size mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of Fat Mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of Thicc Mints"

"Thin Mints imply the existence of Thick Mints"

"Things are not getting worse. They are getting uncovered"

"Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working"

"Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle"

"Things taste better in small houses"

Things Which I Type That Everyone Reads ("Twitter" backronym)

"Things work out best for those who make the best of how things work out"

"Think about how stupid the average person is...half of 'em are stupider than that"

"THINK before you text, tweet, facebook. Is it true, hurtful, illegal, necessary and kind?"

"Think like a fundamentalist; trade like a technician"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on Facebook"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on social media"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you post on Twitter"

"Think once before you act, twice before you speak, and three times before you tweet"

"Think outside. No box required"

"Think outside the Fox" (anti-Fox News saying)

"Think outside the Fox" (anti-Fox News saying)

Think Regress or ThinkRegress (Think Progress nickname)

"Think things through -- then follow through" (six-word success formula)

"Think while it's still legal"

"Think with your mouth" (mouthinking; mouthinker)

"Think you're bored? Sir Isaac Newton invented calculus during the plague"

"Thinking is hard! So just do what the government says"

"Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax"

"Thinking is the hardest work, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"

"Thinking isn't to agree or disagree -- that's voting"

"Thinking that printing banknotes ends poverty is like thinking that printing diplomas ends ignorance"

Thinspiration (thin + inspiration)

Thinspo (thin + inspiration)

Third Avenue Guy (Wall Streeter working in a less important location on Third Avenue)

Third Coast

Third Degree

Third Smallest Town in Texas (fictitious Tuna, Texas slogan)

Thirsday (Thursty Thirsday)

"Thirst come, thirst served" (bar saying)

Thirst Trap (Thirst Trapping)

Thirst Trapping (Thirst Trap)

Thirstday

"Thirsty days hath September" (beer rhyme)

Thirsty Thursday

"This ain't my first rodeo" ("This is not my first rodeo")

"This ain't no regular heat...this high class heat...bitch it's hõte ás fuqùe"

"This asparagus is just a spear, I guess"

"This beer tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This beer tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This beer tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This beer tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This build back better thing must be waiting on the building permits"

"This chef on TV said, 'Where there's fat, there's flavor.' I know he was talking about food..."

"This chocolate just went past me at 120 mph!! I think it was a Ferrari Rocher"

"This Christmas, give your children the gift of STANDING UP FOR THEIR FUCKING FUTURE"

"This Christmas, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body"

"This Christmas instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited"

"This cleaning with alcohol is total bullshit. Nothing gets done after the first bottle"

"This coffee is broken! I'm still tired!"

"This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined"

"This food is fit for a king, Here, King!"

"This girl said she knew me from a vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore"

"This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies"

"This guy was so large, he had his own climate"

"This Halloween you should go as the person you pretend to be on Grindr"

"This heat got me sweating harder than my ex tryna tell the truth"

"This holiday was made possible by citizens with guns"

"This home runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This home runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This home runs on love, laughter and lots of strong coffee"

"This home runs on love, laughter and lots of strong coffee

"This house is protected by the good Lord and a gun. Trespass and you will meet them both"

"This house is protected by the good Lord and a gun. You might meet them both..."

"This house isn't dusty. It's sprinkled with fairy dust"

"The house isn't under construction -- kids just live here"

"This house runs on coffee, wine and Amazon Prime"

"This house runs on coffee, wine and Amazon Prime"

"This is a bathroom, not an internet cafe. Poo & shoo"

"This is a bathroom, not an internet cafe. Shit & split"

"This is a family newspaper" (no obscenities are allowed)

"This is a family show" (no obscenities are allowed)

"This is a mind control device" (face mask message)

"This is a nonprofit organization. We didn't plan it that way"

"This is a self-cleaning kitchen -- clean up after yourself"

"This is a terrible spell of wheather"

"This is an elegant hotel -- room service has an unlisted number"

"THIS IS CAPITALISM. this is lowercaseism"

"This is God's Country. Don't Drive Thru It Like Hell" (Hondo road sign)

"This is it, Charlie Brown, if you vote one more time, there will be real change!"

"This is my house."/"What's upstairs?"/"Stairs don't talk."

"This is not a recession. This is a robbery"

"This is not a restaurant" (joke)

"This is not a scam. Inbox me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500"

"This is not Facebook and I am not your friend"

"This is not sweat. This is liquid awesome"

This is Texas (Cleburne slogan)

"This is the first year I haven’t done the London Marathon because of Covid-19..." (joke)

"This is the first year I'm not going to Fiji due to Covid-19. I usually don't go because I'm poor"

"This is the government our founders warned us about"

"This is the government the founders warned us about"

"This is the Mondayest Monday that ever Mondayed"

"This is the Staten Island Ferry" (NSFW joke)

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history" (Gib Lewis)

"This is what democracy looks like"

"This is what happens when you don't click your tongs twice before grilling"

"This is why we can't have nice things"

"This is your captain speaking. AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN YELLING"

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you are amazing and you can handle anything"

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you are powerful beyond measure..."

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you can handle whatever life throws at you this week"

"This is your Monday morning reminder that you can handle whatever this week throws at you"

"This is your Sunday evening reminder that you can handle whatever this week throws at you"

"This isn't an office -- it's hell with fluorescent lighting"

"This kale salad tastes like I'd rather be fat"

"This kitchen is seasoned with love"

"This kitchen was clean yesterday. Sorry you missed it"

"This lady just asked the waitress if the salmon was grass fed. I literally have no idea what went wrong in the world"

"This lockdown is no walk in the park"

"This mama runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This margarita tastes like I don't even have kids"

"This margarita tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This mask is as useless as our governor" (face mask saying)

"This mask is as useless as our politicians" (face mask saying)

"This mask is as useless as the government" (face mask saying)

"This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine"

"This might be wine" (written on a mug or container)

"This mom runs on coffee, wine & Amazon Prime"

"This Monday is sponsored by coffee"

"This morning I called my mom by ‘birth giver’ and she replied ‘yes, financial drain?’"

"This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I must have a chess infection"

"This morning, I made a Belgian waffle. This afternoon, I'm going to make a Frenchman talk bollocks"

"This morning's coffee brought to you by here we fucking go again"

"This New Year's Eve, remember to drink and wander around your house responsibly"

"This next song is about subtraction. Take it away, boys"

"This office will not tolerate redundancy in this office"

"This orange juice says shake well before drinking..." (drinking joke)

"This pandemic ain’t over until Costco starts serving free samples again"

"This pandemic is exactly why I hated group projects in school"

"This printer is now called Bob Marley because it's always jammin'"

"This Quarantine is getting old. So old, in fact, that is it starting to become a Quaranadult"

"This recipe says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them"

"This republic was not established by cowards; and cowards will not preserve it"

"This rum tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This salad tastes like I'd rather be fat"

"This sofa can seat 6 people without any problems."/"Where can I find 6 people without problems?"

"This spring I'm looking for someone who has the same allergies as I do"

"This spring I'm looking for that special someone who has the same allergies I do"

"This system got y'all thinking 'legal' means 'right.' Reminder: Slavery was 'legal'"

"This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch"

"This tequila tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This tequila tastes like I'm not going to work tomorrow"

"This tequila tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This too shall pass. And then some other bullshit will come and take its place"

"This too shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass"

"This too shall pass -- just like a kidney stone"

"This too shall pass... Painfully, like a kidney stone, but remember it'll pass!"

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us"

"This Valentine's Day, I will almost certainly be inundated. Sorry. In, undated"

"This vehicle protected by anti-theft sticker" (bumper sticker)

"This virus has done what no woman had been able to do...cancel all sports, shut down all bars"

"This vodka tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This vodka tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This whiskey tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This whiskey tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave"

"This wine pairs well with turkey and difficult relatives"

"This wine tastes like I'll be texting you later"

"This wine tastes like I'm about to tell you how I really feel"

"This winter, keep warm by burning all the previous advice we gave you that turned out to be BS"

"This year, 4/20 falls on taco Tuesday. This is it people. This is what we've been training for"

"This year for Halloween I'm dressing up as freedom. This seems to be what people are afraid of"

"This year I plan to start putting off my Christmas shopping extra early"

"This year I won't be going to the Maldives because of covid19" (joke)

"This year instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinion. Get excited"

"This year was the first time I couldn't travel to Europe because of Covid-19" (joke)

Thoity Thoid and Thoid (33rd Street and Third Avenue)

"Thomas Edison walks into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Those burning books today will be burning bodies tomorrow"

"Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still"

"Those who aim torpedoes are always ready to press charges"

"Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it"

"Those who burn books today, will be burning bodies tomorrow"

"Those who burn books today, will burn bodies tomorrow"

"Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it -- next semester"

"Those who can’t teach, teach gym"

"Those who demand you declare your pronouns to make others feel comfortable..."

"Those who do not have goals are doomed forever to work for those who do"

"Those who do not move do not notice their chains"

"Those who drive like hell are bound to get there"

"Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it"

"Those who give up pizza to get little temporary abs, deserve neither pizza, nor abs. -- Benjamin Franklin"

"Those who go to college and never get out are called professors"

"Those who graduate with a theater degree and can't find work suffer post dramatic stress disorder"

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not"

"Those who have the privilege to know, have the duty to act"

"Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars"

"Those who invest in chocolate put their money behind bars"

"Those who know the least, obey the best"

"Those who like my posts are happier, more intelligent and better-looking than those who don't"

"Those who like my tweets are happier, more intelligent and better-looking than those who don't"

"Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened"

"Those who need leaders are not qualified to choose them"

"Those who pay taxes, pay attention"

"Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it"

"Those who stay will be champions"

"Those who would give up essential Pizza, to purchase a little temporary Abs, deserve neither Pizza nor Abs"

"Those whom the gods love they let live in Texas"

"Thou shalt not steal, except by majority vote"

"Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator"

"Thought I could put dolphin in my fish pie. Until I noticed I was using all porpoise flour"

Thoughts Which I Think They Enjoy Reading ("Twitter" backronym)

Thousand Islands: Thousand Islands Dressing

Thousand Layer Cake (Spekkoek)

Thousands Standing Around (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"The fact that you aren't where you want to be should be enough motivation"

"Three bass players walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three boxes govern the world" (ballot box, jury box, cartouch box)

"Three chords and the truth" ("Country music is three chords and the truth")

"Three Christmas spirits -- gin, vodka and bourbon"

"Three Christmas spirits -- rum, brandy and whiskey"

"Three Christmas spirits -- scotch, vodka and tequila"

"Three Christmas spirits -- vodka, rum and gin"

"Three Christmas spirits -- whiskey, gin and vodka"

"Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three C's of Credit (Credit reputation, capacity and collateral)

Three-Cup Chicken or Three-Glass Chicken (San Bei Ji)

Three-Day Town (Three-Day City)

"Three Democrats walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Democrats walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three D's" or "Five D's" of Auctions/Foreclosures (Death, Disease, Drugs, Divorce, Denial)

"Three great inventions: fire, the wheel and central banking"

Three G's of Politics (God, guns and gays)

"Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I was wrong, 2. I love you, 3. Worcestershire Sauce"

"Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I was wrong, 2. I need help, 3. Worcestershire Sauce"

"Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three kinds of economists" (joke)

Three Kings Day Parade

"Three languages, you're trilingual; two, you're bilingual; one, you're American"

Three Laws of Plumbing (joke)

"Three little pigs walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three little words: mar gar ita"

"Three logicians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three main rules of American engineering: (1) Always use the right tool for the job..."

"Three men in a room"

"Three men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three Musketeers (Chinese dish of scallops/chicken, shrimp and beef)

"Three Nazis walk into a BAR..." (bar joke)

"Three of the hardest things to say: 1. I'm sorry, 2. You were right, 3. Worcestershire Sauce"

"Three phrases that sum up Christmas: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included"

"Three places you can stay for free: in your lane, out of my business and over there"

"Three programmers walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Republicans walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three Republicans walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three rights walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three R's (Riding, Roping, Rodeo; also with 'Rangling, 'Rastling, Roundups, Ranching)

Three Rules of Plumbing (joke)

"Three sewing machines walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Three Sisters: Corn, Beans, Squash (Three Sisters Soup; Three Sisters Stew)

Three Sisters or Twisted Sisters or 100-Mile Loop (RR335, RR336, RR337)

"Three S's of wine tasting: Swirl, Sniff and Sip"

"Three stages of career development are: I want to be in the meeting, I want to run the meeting..."

"Three things can happen when you throw the football, and two of them are bad" (UT coach Royal)

"Three things I'm thankful for: 1) family 2) friends 3) Caller ID to avoid family & friends"

"Three things tell the truth: children, drunk people and yoga pants"

"Three things you can do in a baseball game: You can win, you can lose or it can rain"

"Three things you can't take back: a spent arrow, a spoken word and a lost opportunity"

"Three tickets come out of Iowa" (Iowa caucus adage)

"Three types of people with more than 10 items: People who can't read, can't count, and assholes"

"Three umpires are sitting in a bar..." (baseball joke)

"Three vampires walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, forbid kids from doing it"

"Three weeks now, I've been practicing resistance training. I'm avoiding anything to do with sports"

"Three yards and a cloud of dust" (football saying)

Three Yellow Chicken (San Huang Ji)

Threek ("fork" with three prongs/tines)

"Threw my neighbors a really nice housewarming party. The cops are calling it arson, however"

"Threw some butter at my coworkers today. They said I should try Anchor management"

Thrilledy (thriller + comedy)

"Throw away the fish, eat the plank" (joke)

"Throw good money after bad" (to waste additional money)

"Throw me something, mister!" (Mardi Gras parade cry)

"Throw me something, sister!" (Mardi Gras parade cry)

"Throw money at a problem" (Washington reflex)

"Throw nickels like manhole covers" (stingy)

Throw Red Meat at the Political Base (reward hard-core supporters)

"Throw the book at him/her" (give the maximum penalty)

"Throw the rascals in!"

"Throw the rascals out!"

"Throw your hands in the air like you just don't care"

"Throwing acid is wrong -- in some people's eyes"

"Throwing spaghetti against the wall"

THRU Streets

Thucydides Trap

Thugocracy

Thugs and Sexual Assailants (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Thumbprint Cookies

Thumbs Up Thursday

Thumbsucker (a news analysis or think piece)

Thunder on the Left (Thunder on the Right)

Thundering Herd & We, the People (Merrill Lynch nicknames)

Thurmond Rule or Biden Rule (no judicial appointments in election year)

"Thursday doesn't even count as a day, It's just the thing that's blocking Friday"

"Thursday -- the most useless day of the week"

"Thursdays are just wannabes. They wannabe Friday, but they're not!"

Thyme Square (pun on Times Square)

"Tick taco" (tick tock + taco)

"Ticker tape ain't spaghetti"

Ticker-tape Parade

"Ticketmaster be like: Concert ticket: $40 Venue fee: $21.32 Access fee: $18.32..."

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketcommander"

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketslaves"

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketsub"

"Ticketmaster implies the existence of Ticketsubmissive"

"Tidy desk, tidy mind"

"Tidy house, tidy mind"

"Tidy room, tidy mind"

"Tie one on" (to get drunk)

Tiffany Network (CBS)

Tiger Beat on the Potomac (Politico nickname)

"Tight as a tick" (said of a close election)

Tightening of Adam's Apple (suggested in 1978)

"Tighter than the skin on a grape"

Tighthouse (Tight House)

"TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon, but the contractor kept cutting corners"

Timber (Political Timber; Gubernatorial Timber; Presidential Timber)

"Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana"

"Time flies when you throw away calendars"

"Time flies when you throw your watch"

"Time flies when you're having fun"

"Time flies when you're having rum"

"Time flies when you’re throwing watches"

"Time goes by fast when you’re avoiding homework"

"Time in the market is better than timing the market" (Wall Street adage)

"Time is money. Money is power. Power is pizza. Pizza is knowledge"

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time"

"Time is precious. Spend it wisely"

"Time is precious. Waste it wisely"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students"

"Time is the friend of stocks, the enemy of bonds"

"Time kills all deals"

"Time machine for sale. Guaranteed previous day delivery"

"Time machine for sale. Previous day delivery available"

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician"

"Time, talent, and treasure"

"Time to change from my daytime pajamas to my nighttime pajamas" (quarantine joke)

"Time to get up and get going. Today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves"

"Time to make the donuts"

"Time to spare? Go by air." (aviation saying)

"Time to start replacing the term 'vaccine hesitancy' with 'survival instinct'"

"Times are hard. A friend of mine had to get a second job as a butcher just to make meat ends"

"Times are tough. Thinking of cooking a rump roast just to make ends meat"

"Time's fun when you're having flies, Kermit said"

Times New Ramen (Times New Roman font + ramen noodles)

Times Plaza (Brooklyn)

Times Square and Herald Square

Times Square in the Sky (Brooklyn Bridge nickname)

"Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block"

"Times Square is like using the internet without ad-block"

Timmy Ho's (Tim Hortons nickname)

Tin Pan Alley (West 28th Street)

Tin Pan Alley (music publishing industry)

Tin Pan Alleyite

Tin Pan Alleyite

Tin Pan Alleyite

Tin Pan Handle Alley (West 50th Street and Eighth Avenue)

Tin-pot Dictator (Tin-pot Dictatorship)

Tin Roof Sundae

TINA (There Is No Alternative)

Tinfoil Hat or Tin Foil Hat (Tinfoil Hat Brigade or Tin Foil Hat Brigade)

"Tinfoil hats are an invention of the Aluminati"

Tinsel Town or Tinseltown (nickname of New York City, then Hollywood)

TINVOWOOT (There Is No Voting Our Way Out Of This)

"'Tiny House Community' is just hipster lingo for 'Mobile Home Park'"

Tip Jar

Tip Sag (pizza slice tip sag)

"Tipping is not a city in China"

"Tipping your waiter is like paying shipping and handling for your food"

"Tips are for waiters" (Wall Street adage)

Tipsy Palmer or Tipsy Arnold Palmer (cocktail)

Tipsy Tuesday

"Tiramisu is just dessert lasagna"

"Tiramisu sounds a lot more Japanese than Italian"

Tiramisunami (tiramisu + tsunami)

"Tired of being fat and ugly? Just be ugly" (gym sign)

"Tired: summer bodies. Wired: summer antibodies"

"It's not a pandemic. It's an IQ test"

"Tis the sea-sun"

"Tis the season to be freezin'"

"'Tis the taste that tells the tale"

Titans (professional lacrosse team nickname)

"Titjobs imply the existence of titunemployment"

Title Town or Titletown (usually Green Bay, WI, but also other sports cities)

Tits-for-Tots (strip club "pole tax")

T.J. Smaxx (T.J. Maxx nickname)

TLA (three letter agency)

Tlacoyo

Tlayuda or Clayuda (Oaxacan "Mexican pizza")

TLC (Taxi & Limousine Commission; Tender, Loving Care)

"Ten years ago, I swore I would give up drinking whilst I'm at work. I haven't touched a job since"

Tennessee: Whelp (nickname)

"To acquire knowledge, one must study; but to acquire wisdom, one must observe"

"To all the people panic buying, make sure you stock up on condoms so you don't produce more idiots"

"To anger a conservative, lie to him: to anger a liberal, tell him the truth"

"To avoid cracked, dry skin this winter, take half a lemon, a bottle of tequila, salt, and don’t go outside"

"To avoid straining your eyes at work, use the 30-30 rule. After 30 minutes of work, quit your job..."

"To avoid taking down my Christmas decorations, I'm converting my house into a Chinese restaurant"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into an Italian restaurant"

"To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm making my house into a Chinese restaurant"

"To be a success in business, be daring, be first, be different"

"To be a successful fisherman you should get there yesterday when the fish were biting"

"To be disillusioned, one first must be illusioned"

"To be fair, I should stay out of the sun"

"To be hated for loving freedom has been the weirdest experience of my life"

"To be honest, I’ve wanted to spray a lot of people with Lysol before this all started"

"To be Irish is to know that, in the end, the world will break your heart"

"To be old and wise, you must first be young and stupid"

"To be scary on Halloween, carry a school fundraising packet to every door"

"To be successful at fishing, you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting"

"To be successful, you have to have your heart in your business, and your business in your heart"

"To be the best, you have to play the best"

"To be yourself in a world trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment"

"To brie or not to brie" (cheese pun)

"To clarify: Teachers are not 'off for the summer,' they are 'in recovery'"

"To clarify: Teachers are not 'off for the summer.' We are 'in recovery'"

"To conquer a nation, first disarm its citizens"

"To die for" (an excellent food dish)

"To Do: 1. Get my finances in order 2. Get finances"

"To do important work, two things are necessary: a plan and not quite enough time"

"To do list: Become teacher. Dress up as Gandalf. Tell class they shall not pass"

"To do the impossible, you need to ignore the popular"

"To eat is human; to digest, divine"

"To eat is human; to drink wine, divine"

"To err is human. To arr is pirate"

"To err is human; to blame it on someone else shows management potential"

"To err is human; to forgive is against company policy"

"To err is human; to hedge divine" (Wall Street proverb)

"To err is human, yet we must prove that we are not robots by entering captions flawlessly"

"To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Friday"

"To feel 'fit as a fiddle,' you must tone down your middle"

"To finish first, first you must finish" (auto racing adage)

"To get along, go along" (Sam Rayburn)

"To get to the time machine."/"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

"To give the news impartially, without fear or favor" (New York Times)

"To go forward, put it in D; to go backward, put it in R" (D=drive, Democrat; R=reverse, Republican)

"To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart"

"To have and to hold and to keep your beer cold" (koozie saying)

"To have and to hold and to keep your drink cold" (koozie saying)

"To have your head in the sand, you have to first be on your knees"

"To hell with the Constitution when the people want coal!"

"To Insure Promptness" ("tip" false etymology)

"To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart. It's painstaking"

"To know and not to do is not to know"

"To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize" (Voltaire?)

"To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often"

"To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there"

"To lose weight, go to a paint store. You can get thinner there"

"To make me happy: Make me coffee, bring me coffee, be coffee….coffee"

"To make us love our city, we must make our city lovely" (Municipal Art Society motto)

"To me, 'drink responsibly' means don't spill it"

"To me, essential oils are what drips out of tacos"

"To my customer: I may not have the answer, but I'll find it..."

"To neigh or not to neigh, that is equestrian"

"To people who put antlers and a nose on their car for Christmas: You can't trick me. That's a car!"

"To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow"

"To ride a horse or not to ride a horse, that is equestrian"

"To ride horses or not to ride horses, that is equestrian"

"To speculate in Wall Street when you are no longer an insider, is like buying cows by candlelight"

"To survive in a nation of sheep, ruled by wolves, owned by pigs, you must become a lion"

"To stay healthy this spring I'm only going to eat the white part of the Cadbury's Creme Eggs"

"To stay out of hot water when brewing a pun, it is best to use subtle tea"

"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner" (joke)

"To the guy who found my empty wallet... I don't know how to repay you"

"To the musicians playing it, New York is 'The Big Apple'" (New York Is book, 1959)

"To the musicians playing it, New York is ‘The Big Apple‘" (New York Is book, 1959)

"To the people who lose one shoe on the highway: Please tell me what the rest of your life is like"

"To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale: You won’t get a weigh with this"

"To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you. I have contacts"

"To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now"

"To the right of Ivan the Terrible/ Attila the Hun/ Genghis Khan"

"To the victor belongs the spoils" (Spoils System)

"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world"

"To the world, you may just be one crazy vegan. To the animals, you are their only hope"

"To those turning in your neighbors and local businesses, you did the reich thing"

"To thrive in life you need three bones: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone"

T.O. (Toronto, Canada nickname)

"To trot or not to trot, that is equestrian"

"To try when there is little hope is to risk failure. Not to try at all is to guarantee it"

"To understand paranoid people better, follow them around"

Toast ("burned" football cornerback)

"Toast is just bread jerky"

"Toast is just soft bread that has been hurt before"

"Toast is just twice-baked bread"

Toast (sports slang)

Toaster (Columbia University Law School)

"Toasters are like tanning beds for bread"

"Toasters should have a window so you can see how toasted your bread is before it burns"

"Toasters were the first pop-up notification"

Tobacco Onions

"Tobacco, weed, beer and whiskey are all made from plants... I think I might be a vegetarian!!"

"To beer or not to beer, that's a stupid question -- Shakesbeere"

TOBO or TURBO (turkey on bagel omelet)

"Today a peacock, tomorrow a feather duster" (business axiom)

"Today I bought a cupcake without sprinkles. Diets are hard"

"Today, I found a penny. It reminded me of you" (joke)

"Today I got tested to see if I’m sick. Tomorrow I’ll go to the cemetery to see if I’m dead"

"Today I learned that British imperial florida ounces are different from US florida ounces"

"Today I learned that 'Wet Floor' signs are not a request"

"Today I was drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is"

"Today, I went for a walk with a beautiful girl. Then she noticed me, so we went for a run"

"Today, I will be as useless as the 'g' in lasagna"

"Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry"

"Today I will drink coffee, smile and be thankful"

"Today, I woke up and realized my muffin top has become a pound cake"

"Today I'd like to sit and sip, forget the world a little bit"

"Today I'm having a vision problem. I can't see myself doing anything at all"

"Today in veterinary class we learned that cows have four stomachs..." (joke)

"Today is a gift -- that's why it's called the present"

"Today is April Fools' Day. Believe nothing and trust no one. Just like any other day" (April 1)

"Today is International Women's Day" (joke)

"Today is like coffee. It will be as good as you make it"

"Today is one of those days where even my coffee needs coffee"

"Today/Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365 page book. Write a good one"

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday.."

"Today we march, tomorrow we vote"

"Today's advice: Sing Christmas carols at work until they send you home"

"Today's advice: Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home"

"Today's American Dream is to be left the fuck alone"

"Today's date is 7/11, which is convenient"

"Today's forecast: 100% chance of coffee"

"Today's forecast calls for a 100% chance of coffee!"

"Today's Forecast: Sunrise, sunset and some shit in between"

"Today's Forecast: Sunrise, sunset and some stuff in between"

"Today's good mood is brought to you by coffee"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by alcohol"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by beer"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by coffee"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by vodka"

"Today's good mood is sponsored by wine"

"Today's gossip is tomorrow's headline"

"Today's Monday is sponsored by coffee"

"Today's plan? Drink coffee and be awesome"

"Today's problems are yesterday's solutions"

"Today's Soup: Whiskey with ice croutons"

"Today’s weather? Room temperature" (quarantine joke)

"Today's yoga pose is Downward Spiral"

Toddy (Hot Toddy)

Toffee Apple

"Tofu are savory marshmallows"

"Tofu are savoury marshmallows"

"Tofu is just savory jello"

"Tofu is just savoury jello"

"Tofu is just soy cheese"

"Tofu is just soy milk cheese"

"Tofu is just soya cheese"

"Tofu is just soya milk cheese"

"Tofu is just soymilk cheese"

"Tofu is overrated. It's just a curd to me"

"Tofu is really kung fu for toes"

"Tofu is really kung fu for toes"

"Tofu never screams"

Tofucken (tofu + turducken)

"Together Everyone Achieves More" (TEAM)

"Together forever, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

Togetherment (suggested name for "apartment")

"Toi, toi, toi" (good luck saying)

"Toilet paper hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking"

Toilet Paper of Record (New York Times nickname)

Toilet Paper (or, Medicated Paper)

Toilet-to-Tap (recycled water)

Tokambrian (token + Cambrian); Tokambrian Explosion

"Tolerance will reach such a level that intelligent people will be banned from thinking..."

"Tom Landry is such a perfectionist he'd expect Raquel Welch to cook"

Tom Turkey

Tom Yam or Tom Yum (Thai soup)

Tomahawk Dunk (basketball shot)

"Tomato soup is just a hot fruit smoothie"

Tomatonaise (tomato + mayonnaise)

Tombs Prison (and the "Bridge of Sighs")

Tombstone Agency

"Tomorrow -- a mystical land where 99% of human productivity is stored"

"Tomorrow doesn't care what today's food tasted like"

"Tomorrow Happens Here" (SXSW slogan)

"Tomorrow is April Fools' Day. Believe nothing and trust no one. Just like any other day" (March 31)

"Tomorrow isn't guaranteed... Tell someone you don't like to fuck off today"

"Tom's Diner" (Nov. 18, 1981; 1984, 1987)

TomTato (tomato + potato)

"Tonic water implies the existence of dominant water"

"Tonic water implies the existence of mediant water and dominant water"

"Tonic water tastes like if 7 Up had depression"

"Tonight, I'll be having my favorite drink. It's called a lot"

"Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called 'a lot'"

"Tonight's Powerball jackpot is a full tank of unleaded gas and a sheet of plywood"

Tonkatsu (Japanese pork cutlet)

Tonkatsu Sauce

Tony Award

"Too bad alcohol isn't heavily discounted the day after St. Patrick's Day"

"Too big to comply"

"Too big to fail" (TBTF)

"Too big to jail"

"Too big to prosecute"

"Too caustic? To hell with the cost, we'll make the picture anyway"

"Too close to call"

"Too Cold To Keep Changing Sign. Sin Bad. Jesus Good. Details Inside" (church sign)

"Too cool for school"

"Too dumb for New York City, too ugly for L.A."

"Too good to check" (journalism adage)

"Too Hot To Keep Changing Sign. Sin Bad. Jesus Good. Details Inside" (church sign)

"Too many chiefs and not enough Indians"

"Too many people do weightlifting with the wrong equipment - a knife and fork"

"Too many people do weightlifting with the wrong equipment - a knife and fork"

"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold"

"Too much ain't enough" (Lone Star Cafe, NYC; Darrell Royal)

"Too much ain't enough" (Lone Star Cafe slogan)

"Too much attention to the pigskin doesn't help the sheepskin" (sports vs. academics)

"'Too much milk left need more cereal' always leads to 'too much cereal need more milk'"

"Too much Monday, not enough coffee"

"Too much Monday, not enough coffee"

"Too old for Snapchat and too young for Life Alert"

"Too poor to paint and too proud to whitewash"

"Too small to bail"

"Too soon!" (comedy saying)

Too Stupid for Arby's (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"Too thin to plow, too thick to drink" (Rio Grande)

"Took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name"

"Took a tip to buy shares in fermented apple juice. Got accused of in cider trading"

Tools of Ignorance (baseball catcher's equipment)

"Toot and scramble" (tout ensemble)

TOOTBLAN (Thrown Out On The Basepaths Like A Nincompoop)

"Toothpaste before orange juice equals death"

Tootsie Roll

"Tootsie Rolls are just chocolate Starbursts"

"Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?"

Top Banana & Second Banana

Top Dog (a boss or leader)

Top Dollar

Top of Texas (Pampa slogan)

"Top Ramen implies the existence of Bottom Ramen"

Top Shelf (premium or best quality liquor)

"Topology implies the existence of bottomology"

"Topology implies the existence of bottomology, and they both study holes"

"Topology implies the existence of bottomology and versology"

Toppy

"Tops are a process and bottoms are an event" (Wall Street adage)

Torikatsu or Tori Katsu (Chicken Katsu)

Tornado Alley

"Tornado warning in central Texas! Everyone head to Cowboys Stadium. No chance of a touchdown there"

Toronto the Good (Toronto, Canada nickname)

Torpedo Sandwich

Torpedo Soup (Malaysian bull's penis soup)

Tortilla

Tortilla Chip

Tortilla Chips and Salsa (State Snack)

Tortilla Curtain & Cactus Curtain

Tortilla Soup (Sopa de Tortilla)

Tortilla Soup or Sopa de Tortilla (Aztec Soup or Sopa Azteca)

Torture All Kids Severely ("TAKS" backronym)

Torygraph (Telegraph nickname)

Tosc-Mex or Tusc-Mex (Tuscany, Italy + Tex-Mex cuisine)

"Toss your hair in a bun, drink some coffee, put on some gangsta rap and handle it"

"Toss your hair in a bun, drink some coffee, put on some music and handle it"

Tostada Burger

Tostada (Tostado)

"Tostadas are just flat tacos"

Total Sexual Assault (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Totalitolerance (totalitarian + tolerance)

Totally Stupid Assholes (Tranportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Totchos (tater tots + nachos)

Totopo

TOTUS (Teleprompter Of The United States)

Touch Football

"Tough love"

Tough Shit, America (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

"Tough shit if you do not eat enough fiber"

"Tough times don't last, tough people do"

"Tough tomatoes!"

"Tougher than a two-dollar steak"

"Toughest job I ever had was as a door to door salesman, selling doors" (joke)

Toughest Town in Texas (Luling slogan)

Tour de Brooklyn

"Tourists are terrorists with cameras; terrorists are tourists with guns"

Tout TV

Town Without a Frown (Happy slogan)

Townie (tart + brownie)

Toxic City (Texas City nickname)

Toxic Hell (Taco Bell nickname)

Toxic Smell (Taco Bell nickname)

Toxicana (Texarkana nickname)

Toy District (Toy Center)

"TP hoarding explained: Some people will be eating their own cooking for the first time in years"

TPTB or PTB (The Powers That Be)

TPTSB or PTSB (The Powers That Shouldn't Be)

Track Pizza

Track Town, USA (Eugene nickname)

"Trade follows the flag"

"Trade him for a six pack. It doesn’t even have to be cold"

"Trade the first day, and stay away"

"Trade wars are tariffying" (tariff + terrifying)

"Trade what you see, not what you think"

Trader Hoe's (Trader Joe's nickname)

Trader Vic's Columbia (cocktail)

"Traders drive Chevrolets, investors drive Cadillacs"

"Traders would cut your heart out for an eighth of a point" (Wall Street saying)

"Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people"

"Tradition never graduates"

"Traffic and weather together" (on the "1s" or "8s")

Traffic Court

"Traffic is like real life buffering"

"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines"

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger; comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die"

Tragic Number

Trail Mix

"Trail mix is just M&M's with obstacles"

"Trail mix is just a deconstructed granola bar"

"Trail them, nail them and jail them" ("Surveil them, nail them and jail them")

"Train because you love your body, not because you hate it"

"Train, don't strain" (exercise adage)

"Train insane or remain the same"

"Training is like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired"

Training Table

Trainmageddon or Trainageddon (train + Armageddon)

"Trains are just boring rollercoasters"

"Trains are just horizontal elevators" ("Trains are just sideways elevators")

Trainwreck (Texas Natural Resource Conservation Commission or TNRCC nickname)

Traitorcrat (traitor + bureaucrat/Democrat)

"Trans fat implies the existence of cis fat"

"Trans girls float really well. They're boyn't"

"Trans rights are human rights"

Transfarency (transparency + fare)

"Transfat implies the existence of cisfat"

"Transformation happens on the other side of surrender"

"Transgender rights are human rights"

Translaptation (translation + adaptation)

Translender

Transportation (Second Avenue Subway; Lower Manhattan link to JFK)

Trans-slender

TRAP Law or TRAP Bill (Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers)

"Traps for the chaps" (weightlifting saying)

Trashed Tuesday (Trashy Tuesday)

Trashuries (trash + Treasuries)

Trashy Tuesday (Tuesday night gay bar-hopping in Dallas)

"Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer"

"Travel plans: To the window, to the wall, then I might go down the hall"

"Traveling is like sitting in a moving waiting room"

Tray Stackers Association (Transportation Security Administration or TSA nickname)

Trayvonista (Trayvon Martin + -ista)

"Tread on those who tread on you"

Treadmill of Mediocrity (Mediocrity Treadmill)

"Treadmills are hamster wheels for humans"

"Treason is the reason for the season" (Independence Day)

Treason magazine (Reason magazine nickname)

Treasoncrat (treason + bureaucrat/Democrat)

Treasure Island of America (Galveston nickname)

"Treat a password like a toothbrush. Don't let anybody use it; get a new one every six months"

"Treat new plays like classics and classics like new plays"

"Treat the janitor the same way you treat the CEO"

Treaty Oak (of Austin)

Tree-hugger

"Tree men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Tree of Hope

Trekathon (trek + marathon)

"Tremendously Grateful It's Friday" (TGIF)

Tremonter (inhabitant of Tremont, Bronx)

"Trend is not destiny"

Tres Leches (three milks cake)

"Trespassers will be hog tied and told they have a purdy mouth"

"Trespassers will be hog tied and told they have a purty mouth"

"Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again" (property sign)

Tri-State Area (New York, New Jersey and Connecticut)

Triangle Numbers (a player's height, weight and speed)

"Triangle of Sadness is me self-medicating with this family size bag of Doritos"

TriBeCa (Triangle Below Canal Street)

Tribeca Design District

Tribecan (inhabitant of Tribeca, Manhattan)

Triburbia

"Trick or Treat" ("Trick or Treat for UNICEF")

"Trick or treat, bags of sweets, ghosts are walking down the street"

"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat"

"Tricks or treats, money or eats!" (Halloween shout)

"Trick or tweet" ("trick or treat" variation)

Trickle-Down Economics

Tricolor Salad (Insalata Tricolore)

Tridemic (flu + RSV + COVID)

"Tried the pay phone, but used my donor card instead of my calling card. It cost me an arm and a leg"

"Tried to start a dating site for chickens, but it didn't work out. It was hard to make hens meet"

Trikini (tri- + bikini; a bikini with a face mask)

"Trillion is the new billion"

"Trimming the tree with happy hearts, that's the way the holiday starts"

Triple A-Stros (Houston Astros nickname)

Triple Bottom Line

Triple Bypass Tour (Lockhart's Black's Barbecue, Kreuz Barbecue, Smitty's Market)

Triple Crown or Mandarin Triple Crown (Chinese dish of shrimp, beef and chicken)

Triple Delight (Chinese dish of chicken, beef and shrimp)

Triple-double (basketball statistic)

Triple H (hazy, hot and humid)

Triple Harvest (Chinese dish of beef, chicken and shrimp)

Triple Threat (acting, singing, dancing)

Triple Threat (football)

Triple Witching Hour/Day (Quadruple Witching Hour/Day)

Triquini (tri- + quarantine + bikini; a bikini with a face mask)

"Tris for the guys" (weightlifting saying)

"Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a monoscuit"

"Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a quadriscuit"

"Triscuit and biscuit imply the existence of a uniscuit"

"Triscuits are just savory Mini-Wheats"

"Triscuits are the only snack that taste exactly like the box they come in"

"Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture"

"Triscuits are what I imagine the inside of a scarecrow tastes like"

Troika (European Commission, European Central Bank, International Monetary Fund)

(Trolley) Dodgers (National League baseball team, now in Los Angeles)

Trolley Series (1889 World Series, Brooklyn Bridegrooms vs. New York Giants)

Tropical Playground of Texas (Harlingen nickname)

"Trouble is only opportunity in work clothes"

Troy: Boston Shake (Boston Milkshake)

Troy: COB Pizza (cheese-on-bottom)

Troy: Collar City (nickname)

Troy: Laundryville (nickname)

"Truckin'" or "Truck on Down" (1935)

"Trucks carrying beef and beans collided. It caused chili con carnage"

"True beauty is within -- for example, opening your fridge"

"True fact: Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home"

"True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart"

"True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically"

True Happiness Ended Since It Started ("thesis" backronym)

"True house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid"

"True medicine comes from the earth, not from a lab"

"True terror is waking one morning and discovering your high school class running the country"

"True words are not always pretty, and pretty words are not always true"

True York City (true + New York City)

Trunk Song

"Trust is like a paper. once it's crumpled it can't be perfect again"

"Trust because you are willing to accept the risk, not because it’s safe or certain"

"Trust is good, control is better"

"Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose"

"Trust is like an eraser -- it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake"

"Trust is like virginity -- once you lose it, it's lost forever"

"Trust me, you can dance. -- Vodka"

"Trust the government, said no founding father, ever"

"Trust the process"

"'Trust the science' has never been anything other than a marketing term that means shut up and obey"

"'Trust the Science' is a euphemism for 'Trust the System'"

"'Trust the Science'" is now a euphemism for 'Trust the System'"

"Trust your neighbor, but brand your cattle"

"Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter"

Truth Bomb (Truth Bomber; Truth Bombing)

"Truth has no agenda"

"Truth has no expiration date" ("Truth never perishes")

"Truth is a debit card -- pay first, enjoy later. Lie is a credit card -- enjoy first, pay later"

"Truth is authority. Authority is not truth"

"Truth is the new hate speech"

"Truth is treason in the empire of lies"

"Truth, Justice and the Comics" (New York Newsday)

"Truth sounds like hate to those who hate the truth"

"Truth sounds like hate to those who hate truth"

Truther or Troofer/Trufer (9/11 Truth movement follower)

Truthtard (truther + retard)

"Try and fail, but don't fail to try"

"Try is a small word that makes a big difference"

"Try my new recipe. They're called shut the fucupcakes"

"Try Organic Food...or as your grandparents called it, 'food'"

"Try Relying Upon Steps and Traditions" ("trust" backronym)

Try Walking Across or Try Walking Again (Trans World Airlines or TWA nickname)

"Trying to help people understand what's going on right now is like going back into a burning building..."

"Trying to pick my favorite politician is like trying to decide which STD is just right for me"

"Trying to pick my favorite politician is like trying to decide which STD would be best for me"

"Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9"

"Trying to understand the behaviour of some people is like trying to smell the colour 9"

"Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8"

"Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 9"

Trylon and Perisphere (1939); Unisphere (1964)

"It's a hundred and hell degrees outside" (very hot)

"Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus"

Tube Steak (Tubesteak)

"Tuck Fexas"

Tudor City

"Tuesday is just Monday's ugly sister"

"Tuesday is just Monday's evil twin"

"Tuesday is just second Monday"

"Tuesday isn't so bad. It's a sign that I've somehow survived Monday"

Tulipcoin (tulip mania + bitcoin)

Tump

"Tuna is the pulled pork of the sea"

Tuna Noodle Casserole

Tuna Tetrazzini

Tungsten Territory (Broadway)

Tunnel of Fudge Cake

Tunnelgeddon (tunnel + Armageddon)

"Tupperware more like tupperWHERE THE FUCK IS THE LID"

"Tupperware more like tupperWHERE THE HELL IS THE LID"

Turbaconducken (Turducken wrapped in bacon)

Turbo Tuesday

Turboparalysis

"TurboTax is the worst computer game ever"

"TurboTax is the worst video game ever"

"Turbulence is the pot hole of the sky"

"Turbulence is the pothole of the sky"

Turd Blossom

Turd Press or TurdPress (WordPress nickname)

Turd Sandwich

TurdPress or Turd Press (WordPress nickname)

Turducken (Churkendoose; Chuckey; Churkey; Qua-duc-ant; Osturducken)

"Turducken is the matryoshka doll of meats"

"Turducken is the Russian nesting doll of holiday meals"

Turista (traveler's diarrhea)

Turketarian or Turkeytarian (turkey eater)

Turkey (a flop production); Turkey Show

Turkey Dance (Thanksgiving football sack dance) & Funky Chicken Dance

Turkey Day (Thanksgiving Day)

Turkey Manhattan & Roast Beef Manhattan

Turkey Tamale Pie (Turkey Tamales)

Turkey Tetrazzini

"Turkeys don't vote for Christmas"

Turkish Day Parade

"Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday"

"Turn Around, Don't Drown" (flash flood warning)

"Turn in your weapons. The government will take care of you"

"Turn out the lights. The party's over"

"Turn the key, be idle free" (anti-idling slogan)

"Turn your sets off there" (an insurmountable lead)

"Turn your worry into worship and watch God turn your battles into blessings"

Turnaround Tuesday

"Turning on your lights and siren after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

"Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

"Turning on your lights and sirens after losing a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

"Turning on your lights and sirens after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship"

Turnkey Tyranny

"Turns out my three hobbies are eating at restaurants, shopping at nonessential businesses..."

"Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself. Nobody checks"

Tuttorosso Pasta Eating Competition

Tuxedo Park: Tuxedo (clothing)

"TV said if I get all my booster shots, eat bugs, and get an electric car that the weather would get gooder"

TWA Tea (dirty joke)

Twatter (Twitter nickname)

Twatzi (Twitter + twat + Nazi)

Twecipe (Twitter recipe)

Tweeding or Tweeded (after William M. Tweed)

"Tweet what you want. We can delete it in the morning. -- Alcohol"

Tweezer Food

"Twelve-Thirty"(1968)

Twenty-Minute Actor (vaudevillian)

Twenty-Three Skidoo (23rd Street myth)

Twerk (redneck for "to work")

Twice as Nice & Where Life Is So Large It Takes Two States (Texarkana slogans)

"Twick or tweat" ("trick or treat" variation)

"Twick or tweet" ("trick or treat" variation)

Twidiocracy (Twitter + idiocracy)

Twin Cities (Minneapolis and St. Paul)

Twindemic (twin + -demic)

Twinkies (Twin Donut's donut holes)

"Twinkle, twinkle, little star. Point me to the nearest bar"

Twiplomacy (Twitter + diplomacy)

Twisted Tuesday

"Twister is just competitive yoga"

Twitmo (Twitter + Gitmo)

"Twitter becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do"

"Twitter brought it to my attention that I offended some of you. I apologize. I meant to offend all"

"Twitter crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket"

"Twitter doesn't ban hate speech. Twitter bans speech it hates"

"Twitter is a handy and constant reminder that socialists are disgusting people"

"Twitter is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended by something"

"Twitter is for people who like to talk to themselves"

"Twitter is for people who talk to themselves and enjoy their own company"

"Twitter is for people who want attention while being left alone"

"Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better"

"Twitter is like a fridge..."

"Twitter is my morning newspaper"

"Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends, but..."

"Twitter isn't an app. It's a lifestyle"

"Twitter isn't just an app, it's a lifestyle"

"Twitter just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless"

"Twitter just removed one of my puns about rice cakes. They said it was tasteless"

"Twitter makes you love people you've never met; Facebook makes you hate people you actually know"

"Twitter removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless"

"Twitter removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless"

"Twitter: Where people come to argue with jokes"

Twitterette (user of Twitter)

"Twix have an endoskeleton and M&M's have an exoskeleton"

"Twizzlers taste like they made a toy at first and then said nvm yall just eat it"

"Twizzlers are beef jerky for vegans"

"Twizzlers are just candy beef jerky"

"Twizzlers are just candy Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are just gay beef jerky"

"Twizzlers are just gay Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are just sugar jerky"

"Twizzlers are just vegan Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are just vegetarian Slim Jims"

"Twizzlers are the beef jerky of candy"

"Twizzlers taste like they was almost finna be a toy"

"Twizzlers taste like they were almost about to be a toy"

"Two and barbecue"

"Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married" (joke)

"Two apples met, fell in love and got married. They lived appley ever after"

"Two bacteria walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest"

"Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it"

Two Bridges

"Two can eat as cheaply as one"

"Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym..." (joke)

"Two cats sit on a roof. Which falls off first?"/"The one with the smaller mu."

Two Cents Plain

"Two chemists walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two choices: take it or leave it" (food menu joke)

"Two clowns are eating a cannibal" (joke)

"Two condoms walk past a gay bar..." (joke)

"Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven..." (9/11 joke)

"Two Corinthians walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two crisps are walking down the road..." (Walkers crisps joke)

"Two crows walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two deer walk out of a gay bar..." (bar joke)

Two Dow Shay (two show day)

"Two dragons walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-Dum-Tss"

"Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss"

"Two elephants and cymbals fall off a cliff. Boom-Boom-Tss"

"Two elephants walk off a cliff. Boom boom!"

"Two elves walk into a bar. A dwarf walks under it" (bar joke)

"Two elves walk into a bar. A hobbit walks under it" (bar joke)

Two Face (chocolate and rainbow sprinkles)

"Two faces and a ball" (sports photography rule)

"Two fermions walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says, 'Play better. Tomorrow, we're in the cup!'"

"Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate?" (cheer)

"Two guys walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two immigrants order hot dogs. One asks, 'What part did you get?'"

"Two impeachments is unpresidented"

"Two incomes are better than one so make sure your partner has two jobs"

"Two Jews, three opinions"

"Two Karens are out having dinner. The waiter stopped by their table and said, 'Is anything OK?'"

Two Left Feet (clumsy at dancing)

"Two managers talk to each other"

"Two men walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two men walk into a bar. The first orders H2O..." (bar joke)

"Two mutes walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

Two-Napkin, Three-Napkin, Four-Napkin or Five-Napkin Burger

Two New Yorks; Other New York; How the Other Half Lives

"Two nudists were discussing politics. One asks, 'Have you read Marx?'" ("red marks" joke)

"Two oranges walk into a bar..." (joke)

"Two-out hits will get you to heaven" (baseball adage)

"Two overachievers walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two peanuts walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two peanuts walk out of a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two peanuts were walking down the street -- one was assaulted" (joke)

"Two penguins walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two people lectured me on brown bread. I think they're Hovis witnesses"

"Two quotation marks 'walk into' a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two random variables were talking in a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two reasons we don't trust people: 1. We don't know them, 2. We know them"

"Two reasons why I don't give money to homeless people..." (joke)

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with a Starbucks drive-thru"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with tacos"

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -- I took the one with tacos"

"Two rules for this heat: 1. Drink a lot of water, 2. Watch how you talk to me"

"Two rules of business: 1. Mind your own 2. Stay out of mine"

"Two rules of business: 1. Mind your own 2. Stay the fuck out of mine"

"Two rules of business: 1. Mind your own 2. Stay the hell outta mine"

"Two seasons -- winter and August"

Two-Sewer Man (stickball term)

"Two sewing machines walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two sheep from Boston walk into a baaaaaaa" (bar joke)

"Two sheep walk into a baaaaaa" (bar joke)

"Two sheep walk into a New York City pizzeria..." (joke)

"Two sheep walk into a pub..." (bar joke)

"Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie"

"Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast"

"Two things are important in politics: The first is money and I can't remember the second"

"Two things to make your day better: 1. Do not watch the news. 2. Stay off the bathroom scales"

"Two types of people: People who think the government is looking out for their best interest..."

"Two vampires walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two whales walk into a bar..." (bar joke)

"Two wings of the same bird of prey"

"Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test..." (bar joke)

"Two words on how to pitch -- throw strikes" (baseball saying)

"Two wrongs don't make a right, but two margaritas usually do"

"Two wrongs don't make it right, but two margaritas usually do"

"Two zombies were at a graduation party. One asked, 'How was the grad you ate?'"

Twofer

Twok ("fork" with two prongs/tines)

TWTW (The Will To Win)

"Tyler and Texas!"

Tylerite (inhabitant of Tyler)

Typhoid Mary

Typing Pool or Stenography Pool (press corps nickname)

"Tyranny is defined as that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry"

"Tyranny is never invincible"

"Tyranny is that which is legal for the government but illegal for the citizenry"

Tyranny of Good Intentions

"Tyrants are not the problem. People obeying tyrants is the only problem"

"Tzatziki is just Greek ranch dressing"

"Tzatziki is Mediterranean ranch dressing"